Scene: Bar last Friday night.
Me: Sitting up at the bar enjoying a nice dark pint.
He: Approaches from the back.
I: Turn to smile, then turn back to my beer.
He: Cozies up to my shoulder and asks why I rolled my eyes at him.
I: Tell him I didn't roll my eyes at him. I smiled at him.
He: Asks me my name.
I: Internally sigh.
I: Ignore this question, but I ask how he is doing.
He: Answers, "Blah."
He: Asks me same question.
I: Answer, "Blah."
He: Is fishing in his wallet for something.
I: Turn my left shoulder back into the bar yet, more importantly, back to my beer.
He: Slips a business card under my beer.
I: Turn to him, oozing sarcasm and say, "Subtle."
He: Answers in all seriousness, "Yes, and classy."
I: Flip the card with my fingernails to see his name.
"Well, Stupid Head, have a good time tonight."
"And what is your name?"
Not a Stupid Head who is going to buy into your game is what I was thinking. However, being the classy lady I am I said, 'PG.'
He gets his beer. He ordered a Miller Lite.
The bar serves over 100 kinds of beer, but he orders a Miller Lite.
He tells me to call him.
I slip his card upside down and put it under my coaster, the one with my pint on it.
Two things: Unless we have been talking for awhile, don't give me your business card. It speaks volumes, but it is screaming only negative things. Mainly that you have nothing to offer me, except your business card. Yawn. Or really, don't give me your business card at all. Please, not at all. Program it into your phone, write it on a napkin, something, but don't give me your damn business card.
Next thing: If a bar has a HUGE selection of beers to choose from, say over 100, don't be a clueless dumbass and order a Miller Lite. Or a Bud Light..or any kind of 'lite' or 'light' Look at the menu, look at the wall of taps...be risky, take a gamble, be adventureous..order from the wall god damn it.
Friday night was quite entertaining in a very lame and exhausting way.
South Sider was in a mood and I was sure he, NDG, and I were going to get our asses kicked, cause he was just being an ass. An ass with a loud mouth who was bad mouthing everyone and everything to the point that I finally had to ask him if he was being serious cause, shut-up.
NDG has certainly come out of his shell in the two weeks since I first met him. He said, 'hi' to me by sticking his face in my boobs. He then proceeded for the rest of the night to grope, fondle and lay on my boobs. He became very protective of my boobage. He wanted other men to stop staring at what he clearly thought belonged to him. To set him straight, I tweaked his nipples a little too hard and a little too often. He didn't get up from the table for awhile as a result. Something about it going all the way to his stem or something....
However, he is taking my advice to heart which is; to not take any of this (gestures wildly with arms around the bar) seriously. Take chances, take risks, don't be stupid, no more Miami Vice style drug buys, and it will be just fine. And no, I won't sleep with you.
Basically they cock blocked me all night. All night.
They left.
I sat up at the bar.
I made small talk with the bartender and he gave me permission to make fun of all the clueless dumbasses who ordered a Bud Light, only to be told they don't have it and then order a Miller Lite.
No, problem. Mission accomplished.
I did have one guy call me a vixen. That was nice.
Off to buy a few slices of pizza.
Met three decent men in line.
Realized the place to meet men and have a decent conversation is in line buying a slice at 2 a.m.
However, I digress. This is about cheesy pick-up lines.
Business cards: Don't do it.
Lesson over.
*Note to self: Make a list of the 10 stupid things men do in bars trying to meet women.
*Second note: Do a list on what women do to get noticed in bars only to shoot the men down, therefore rendering the men clueless.
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12 comments:
Me? I'd have ordered some type of porter that I'd never tried before but would probably have been too chicken to say anything to any non-males within 3 miles of the place. Even when I was single. The Spousal Unit pretty much did all the work.
OMG! I have that rule too. If a woman orders a Coors or Bud or, basically, any American beer in a bar that has 100s of selections.. she is history! It does say alot about someone. Stuck in their ways. Will not try something new. Are dumb asses. Are boring. And are probably boring as hell in the sack. "How do you want to have sex tonight, honey?" What!? In bed and missionary? See ya!
BTW... I'm sure you were looking fine and were quite the lure sitting alone at the bar. My line would have been a smile and a simple hello.
I tape my business card to the Bud Light, then slip it in front of my prey when she isn't looking.
It's the classy move.
I must be so out of touch with the singles scene. This is the first I've heard of the business card approach.
Just a couple of years ago, I was on a business trip alone. Sitting at a pub minding my own business and this woman comes up to me and just starts talking.
I'm not interested, she won't leave me alone, and I'm desperate for an escape, so here's how the conversation ended:
"Sorry, I have to go. Survivor's on."
"Oh, I love that show! Maybe we could watch it together?"
"Yeah maybe" and I disappear out the door.
First and only time I've been approached in a bar.
Gee...The reality of that statement just hit me. Now I'm a little sad.
Phollower: The porter would have gotten you noticed. I would have started the conversation from there.
Trapped: Thank you, exactly one of my points. Hmmm, over 100 beers (or over 100 postions) you go with an old water downed standard...that they don't even have. Then you have a lame approach??/ C-ya.
Oh, and thanks. Me in a bar usually ends with some sort of tale to tell. Me alone in a bar and not afraid or uncomfortable to be alone in a bar...proves most interesting.
South Sider said, "Happy hunting" to me as he left. 'Nuff said.
P: THAT is classy. I bet you get the ladies hangin all over you with that one.
Is your shirt open oozing black curly chest hair with lots 'o gold chains??...Cause, yum!
OMC: The single scene is ridiculous. The single scene in a bar that is wall to wall ball? Most ridiculous. Add in the mood of SS and NDG...beyond ridiculous. Again...you can't take it seriously or your self-esteem, attitude, outlook on life in general will just all go to hell.
I'm sure it was just because you weren't use to the scene and always had a woman on your arm googling and oodling all over you. That's why it only happened once.
SB: Wow. I'd have a lot of material. May be too depressing. Or hilarious.
...I'll go with depressingly hilarious.
Life is too short to drink lame-ass beers like Bud and Miller, Coors, and whatever piss-making stuff that makes up 80% of the shelf space in the store.
Come to Michigan and taste some Oberon ale - made only in the summer in Kalamazoo.... great stuff.
I wish I had a pick-up line to offer, but I don't. If I had one, it wouldn't be "can I buy you a Budwieser?"
Mark: The best pick-up line ever, "Hey, how are you doing? ........." and the conversation goes from there.
Start with a simple, "hello, hi, how ya doin?" and it goes from there. No, cheesiness needed. No, angle. No, line. No, bs. Just, hello.
.....you can get me with a, 'hello.'
I heard one at my bar the other night you'd appreciate...a girl was sipping on a drink and pulled the cherry out and offered it to the guy next to her. he looked at her and said, "I'm pretty sure your cherrys been busted, but you've still got the box it came in, and that's perfect for me." - and promptly got popped in the eye.
GG: I liked the 'vixen' comment because it was so out of the ordinary. I loved the compliment.
Acid: Oh, that's nice. The line and the pop in the eye.
Have you ever seen a girl throw a drink in a guy's face? I've always wanted to do, but never have.
Actually party girl, on the 21st of this month I saw a girl break a beer bottle over someones head. It was what started my whole "haven interrupted" rant.
AL: Good lord! And did the fight insue from there? Take off the earrings and heels, kind of fight?
Let me guess, you were in the middle of it trying to break it up? Beer, hair, glass, and arms flalling widely all around.
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