where I've been, where I am hopefully going

Oh, what has happened in the last 20 days or so. And so sorry, had no idea it had been so long since the last post, where does the time go?

On a quick note, "Snow Fall at Night" has shown back-up at my door. It was returned via U.S. postman last week. It only cost me $23.00 to be returned to my hands. Where has it been? London post tried once to deliver it in July and it has been in the post back to me since then, go figure.

School: Yeah, my future will be determined by my mid-term in Cost Benefit Analysis tomorrow. I get it in class, I get it in my notes, but apparently when it comes to my homework and test time, I don't get it. I'm not the only one, I'm just the one who is doing the worst in the class. Not embarrassing at all. So if I don't do well on the mid-term I will be dropping the class which means I will not graduate which means I will be to topic of discussion among my peers. I hate that.

However, as of right now, (I am sure this will change.) I am ready for my fate, whatever it might be. And I am doing the best I can given my mental capacity right now. I am sure, I know, I will be upset if I have to drop the class, but again, I also know I am doing the best I can.

I don't know. I understand that moving to a new place takes time, but gosh, I still do hate it here. I know part of it is the age difference between me and the other students in the program, that and I don't really like most of them. Tolerate, but not like. As in, don't want to spend my time outside of class with them.

The one gal who I do get along with, I feel I rely on her way too much and I'm not comfortable with that. At all.

I haven't been going out because, well, I don't like to go out with the people in the class with me. It take more energy than it is worth. Remember what you were like at 23? Remember how annoying you found it by 30? The median age is 23. I am not 23. Also, that whole self-destructiveness I tend to have. I don't need to add copious amounts of alcohol.

This leads to therapy. I am really happy with my progress, but basically I am trying (wanting) to change a lot of things about me while at the same time realizing that a lot about me is not who or what I thought it was, or the reasons for why I do things are not why I thought I did them. It's been a rough and tough road. You know, not realizing who I am and what I thought was true isn't.

So combine the stress of school, still not sleeping, still feeling like I am in a new place, no family, only one person who I consider a close friend, dealing with 34 years of schtuff, going from perpetually perky and cynical to angry and depressed....yeah, it's been fun. Saturday night was spent in sobs. Good times. In my sobbing state I asked my best gal to come over and to be honest, I don't remember some of what I said, told, but I do know that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with it the next day. I feel vulnerable, isolated, silly (in a bad way), alone, and not at all what I am used to. I know it will change, I know it is a process. No I don't want to go on anti-depressants. That's a large part of the problem, that for all of this I haven't felt anything, didn't allow myself to feel anything. And yes, I need sleep.

So, yeah. That's where I am.