zero motivation, zero attention span

Seriously. I cannot focus on school, on words, on learning, on edumacation, on anything. Nothing. Zilch. Zip. Neal. Nada. No-thing. Not a thing. Not one thing. Zip.

All the words seem to be in Swahili and they are very, very big words with way too many syllables. Today, next week, and then finals week. Then, done. DONE! Done, I say!

It wouldn't be so bad, except that, in dealing with such issues as restraining orders and "advisors" who did not feel like abiding by accommodations granted by the school, therefore, I have to go in on Saturday and make-up a public finance test. Blech. Ah, opportunity costs and short attention spans which could not be accounted for back in February.

Okay, and typing. Apparently I've lost the ability to type. Oh dear god! Let the pain and suffering end.

On the comps front, I have not made a decision one way or the other. I'm just going to concentrate on the next two weeks and go from there. OMC asked why I came to grad school. I came to learn and to get a job in the human rights field. I did not come for the piece of paper, for the glory of the cap and gown, for the initals behind my name, or for a bigger paycheck. Of course, I would love a bigger paycheck, but let's be honest, human rights doesn't present a lot of monetary benefits, the benefits are in other ways. As long as I can pay my bills, get out of debt, and still have a few dollars at the end of the week to hit a happy hour, I'm golden. So, I'll keep you posted.

However, the way the job market is right now, I'll be lucky to land a gig at Starbucks by the time it's all over with.

another year older, so that surly means another year wiser

Oy, yesterday was my big birthday, 35. I've been dreading this birthday for some time, 35!!!...However, the closer it got to being here, the prouder I became to say that I was turning that age.

Interesting time last night. A friend who I have not seen since 1995 came up to stay with me. we reconnected on Facebook back in March and he and I talk everyday. Weird how the world works.

In other news, comps and orals did not go so well. Orals was the most horrific experience, ever. Horrible. It was only supposed to last 45 minutes, mine was one hour and six minutes of pure interrogation hell. Not at all what I was expecting...the others was just as bad, not just me being grilled. Has anyone been through this process? I'm just curious as to what others experiences have been.

Anyway, my question is: I'm not sure I want to re-take the portions I have to re-do. The thought of it is very daunting to say the least and the twitch that has been in my left eye for the past few months has moved to my left cheek, quite annoying. So, my question: does anyone know what the difference would be between "masters degree" versus "masters degree candidate" on a resume and interview process?

Any help would be appreciated. I want out of this town. And yes, of course, I have gone back and forth and forth and back over and over all of this and cycled through all the emotions about 46 times since Wednesday night.

lessons in stress management

Comps are on Thursday and Friday. All positive energy and thoughts being sent my way are appreciated. Two days of testing, nine subjects, 10 questions; no idea what those questions are/will be. Eck! (Every moment I am awake, there has been a book, note, computer, pen in my hand, face, mind.)

Stress level, too high to count.
Here is my state of (mind) life from last week:

Tuesdays are my incredibly long day. I’m in class from 11:00-8:00 and by the time I leave class I am cross-eyed exhausted and famished. So, I sprint across campus to buy my late night dinner, boogie on home, change my clothes, wash my face, take-out my contacts, clean my glasses, put on my glasses and inhale my dinner where chewing may or may not be involved (definitely will not be involved.)

Last week was no different. The only difference was when I put on my glasses. Glasses on and my world is a blurry-eyed mass of colors and indistinguishable figures. In 1.5 seconds there is a rush of thoughts and emotions: “I am going blind. The stress of grad school has stolen my eye-sight. Awesome. I don’t have insurance, how am I going to pay to get my eyesight back? My glasses are broken! In the five minutes it took me to wash my face I lost my eyesight. My prescription changed, holy hell, I’ve gone blind. I’m going to fail grad school because I cannot see to take my exams, or read, or write. Perhaps I will be able to fulfill my dream to play the piano.” What in god’s name is going on with my brain-eye connection?

I take off my glasses to see what has gone wrong with my vision.
Wait. I can still see.
It’s a miracle! I’m cured!

It’s either a miracle or, my contacts are still in.

Contacts + glasses = a blurry world of colors and figures. My dream of becoming a piano player is over.

So, I inhale my dinner and decide that I should study.

But then I think perhaps studying for my comprehensive exams can wait. After all, I did just temporarily lose my eyesight.
I compromise.
Instead I open (and drink) a large glass (also known as a bottle) of wine, take a Xanax, and watch Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Central.
Believe it or not, Xanax + a large glass (bottle) of wine does not = an insomnia cure. Believe it or not, it makes for a very restless night of sleep.

Grad school has turned me into a pill popping-sleep deprived-emotional eating- alcoholic.
……
….
…
Okay, fine. Just a pill-popper. (It’s for stress.) (Swear.)

Daily school work+ exams+ finals+ comps = the need to pop pills. (There for stress.) (Swear.)

School is over in 5 weeks.

Not that I’m counting.

Stress management lesson is over. (Oh, there’s a lesson in there. You just have to be willing to see what it is.)

exhausted

Spring break is over and I am more exhausted than I was when it started.

Pages written and typed-up: over 50.
Pages read and written about: close to 200.
Hours spent studying for comps: Not nearly enough.
Days until comps: 9.
Hours, minutes, days spent drinking: zero.

Hmmm, I think I just found my problem.

whoo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's spring break!

Yippee, fucking, Skippy!

As it is Thursday, and what I hope becomes a Thursday tradition, I am once again, tipsy. Tipsy, not drunk. Here's why college towns rock: double vodka cranberry, a shot of Jager, and an appetizer; my total: $5.34, with tip: $7.34. Awesomeness.

Anywho. So, after studying my ass off, over 20 hours since Monday, to study for my Public Finance exam today, I had no idea how to answer the first question. The question which was worth 25 points, or, what is a quarter of my grade. So, I did the only thing I know how to do: ramble about everything else that had to do with financing and problems with it. Throw a dart and I'm sure I hit shit-pie somewhere. Otherwise, I think I aced the test...well, aced as best that an be aced on a Public Finance exam. Please-oh-please let me get at least a B on the exam.

So, what will I be doing during spring break? Well, buckle-up Cowboy, it's pretty freakin riveting: I have three papers, one take-home test, and a presentation all due on Tuesday 24..or, what is my first day back to school after spring break. Yay. So, I have to do all of that, plus, study for comps in the next week. Should be awesome.

Comps are April 2nd and 3rd. Two days of 16 hours worth of brain dump.
This semester is kicking my ass, but somehow it is flying by. Flying, zip, zoom, boom, flash.

Time to start the take-home exam.

Oh, and it is inner dork Thursday, here's a quickie: Lysol was originally marketed as a douche for contraceptive purposes.
Yep.
All I have to say is, fucking-a ouch.

whoa

Right now, I am borderline drunk.

In another 30 inutes (or so) I will be drunk. (I'mleaving the typos for effect)

I went out with the first years. Best time I've jad in a very, very long time/

Three long island iced teas, one fuck-up drink that the waitress gave to me, and a margarita...all in an hour and fifteen minutes. (wow. fifteen is hard to spell out)

Good times, good laughts, good hot flashes of alcohol, and brain freeze.)

I needed tonight. Boy fif I need tonight. (i'm leaving that typo, too)

It's been hectic and stressful semester. More on that later. I like the first years. I hate the econd years (a.k.a. my classmates)

I'm outtie. Hope your Thursday was wonderful and spectacular.

morning promises, afternoon resolutions

Being a 34 year-old (almost 35, eck!) grad student, I’ve decided I should live a healthier life. I wake-up all bushy-eyed and wide-tailed (no, wait, that’s not right.) (Or, maybe it is.) and I decide I should live a healthier life. I think I will eat only fruit and give my body a cleanse. Yes! What a wonderful positive step in the right direction.

I down my morning fruit smoothie and think, this is great! For lunch I’ll have a V-8 and a veggie blend of juice and it will be delicious and my body will thank me. I will be all glowy and my body will say, “thank you.”
Go me! I. am. awesome.

Then ‘round 2-ish I decide a hot dog sounds delicious.

Cleanse, over.

The hot dog goes against my new vegetarian mentality, but I’m sure this too shall pass. I have given up the cow, the pig, the fish, and the chicken. I, apparently, cannot give up the mystery meat. The mystery meat is delicious and my nemesis. (fist goes in the air, “foiled again!”)

the sense of entitlement

Many of my fellow classmates have this idea of what constitutes "their job" within their current employment. The idea that their boss tells them to do something (duties as assigned) that they feel/believe is beneath them.

Now.

I've had a million and two odd and various jobs; nothing was or is beneath me. There might have been things I did not want to, or did not care to do, but beneath me, no.

This also plays into the current job market and the impending graduation. I would love to get my dream job, with my dream salary, in my dream city, and have life be all daydreams and daisies.
The reality is, I am planning to move back home for at least the summer until a job pans out. Even if I do have a job upon graduation, I will still be living at home for at least the summer. (assuming job is in home city.)

However, I am prepared for no job, no income, no dream. I am well prepared to take a job at Starbucks, as a janitor cleaning toilets, or working as a fry cook in the local greasy spoon and any number of various dry good and sundry jobs that come with money.

My fellow classmates do not have this same perspective or reality. Job cleaning toilets? Job making $10 an hour (with any luck)..?!?!? Absolutely not.
Granted many of these classmates have parents who are willing, able, and happy to take care, pay for, and supplement any income for.
I do not. My parents are willing to help me out, live at home "rent free" (rent will be paid in chores) and helping out financially in other ways until I have an income coming in, but I can guarantee that they, as well as I, expect me to get a job of some kind (if available) and contribute in some form.
This would be the same idea of something I posted about a few years ago: I did not have a summer job, I had a job. (gee golly gosh, I've been in the work force (legally) for 20 years. (illegally) for 26 (thanks, babysitting.)

So. Where did this sense, idea, of entitlement come from and more importantly, how can we make it go away?

inner dork: The history of toilet paper

Because OMC is a demanding little bugger:

I give you, the history of toilet paper:

Did you know…

Before the invention of toilet paper as we know it, people used fur, grass, leaves, their hands. (side note: this is why in some cultures the left hand is considered unclean. I will leave it at that.) (Because they use their left hand…) (In case it wasn’t clear.)

The ancient Greeks used stones and pieces of clay; ancient Romans used sponges on the ends of sticks, kept in jugs filled with salty water. (Cause that seems clean and as if it wouldn’t lead to other diseases or anything.)

Toilet paper as paper dates back at least to the late 14th Century, when Chinese emperors ordered it in 2-foot x 3-foot sheets. (Goodness that’s big.)

Corncobs were next (youch!) and then, of course the Sears cateloug (cause I like to shop while…you know…) (Which, why do people bring reading material into the bathroom? I am never in there for any length of time to warrant this. Which maybe that's the reason I don't understand it...)

Joseph C. Gayetty of New York started producing the first packaged toilet paper in the U.S. in 1857. It consisted of pre-moistened flat sheets medicated with aloe and was named "Gayetty’s Medicated Paper". Gayetty's name was printed on every sheet. (Now that’s advertising.)

Rolled and perforated toilet paper was invented around 1880. It can be attributed to the Albany Perforated Wrapping (A.P.W.) Paper Company in 1877, and to the Scott Paper company in 1879 or 1890. On a side note, the Scott Company was too embarrassed to put their name on their product, as the concept of toilet paper was a sensitive subject at the time, so they customized it for their customers... hence the Waldorf Hotel became a big name in toilet paper. (I had no idea!)

In 1935, Northern Tissue advertised "splinter-free" toilet paper. (Holy smokers! I would have thought that by 1935, this “issue of the tissue” (I just came up with that) would have solved.

In 1942, St. Andrew's Paper Mill in Great Britain introduced two-ply toilet paper (those fancy Brits)

America experienced its first toilet paper shortage in 1973. (Because…..???)

Now, we have double-ply...which I keep forgetting I buy, therefore, I'm really not eliminating any waste (pun was not intended) because I keep using the same amount.


I knew some of this, but not all of this, so thanks: http://www.nobodys-perfect.com/vtpm/ExhibitHall/Informational/tphistory.html
For providing the info I did not know.

OMC, you’ve finally been dorked! How does it feel?

reflection

I've thought about this often, but finally feel the need to write it out; remember when this blog was funny and insightful? Full of clever and witty moments and comments?

Okay, so maybe that is a bit high on myself, but you know what I mean. I feel like I have been such a Debbie Downer and Negative Nelly as of late. Late being the last year..or so... I know and understand that things change, making people change. Or people change, therefore, things change, which, it what has happened with me. But, still. I'm ready for it to change back. Which, I know I can control, to a certain extent, and not to the other extent, but I am ready for things to change. For the better. Nay, the best.

I guess there isn't really a point to this point, just that, yes, I've notice it too, and I'm working on it.

a moment to vent

Okay, so, we got our comp exam schedule (March 30 and 31, eck!) and, in doing my part, I followed-up with my "advisor" to remind him that I need to take my exams alone, per the no contact order.

His response?

That I would be taking the exam in another room on the third floor, and my fellow classmates would be taking the exam in a room on the third floor as well, but he felt comfortable that I would not come into contact with BJ.

Um, are you fucking kidding me?

So, instead of doing the email back and forth thing, I just called him to get an explanation. Classmates will be on the third floor and the room they want to put me in should (keyword) be moved to the basement (of the same building) come exam day. Again, he felt sure that I would not come into contact with my fellow classmates. He, of course, could not guarantee this, but he felt sure.

I did not. I explained this. It was clear I was not getting anywhere. So. I very eloquent email off to the crisis counselor, who shared my thoughts and feelings. Let's see where this goes.

I am so fucking tired and frustrated. The very fact that I had to follow-up. I was afraid of this kind of "accommodation" from the very beginning. The fact that my "advisor" talked to me as if I was a problem and being unreasonable. The fact that I am still dealing with and talking about it.

ARGH!

I am SO tired of this school, of this town, of the people, of the program, of this place. I am doing my best to make the most out of my last months, but truly, the bad, horrible, no good days have SO, SO, SO outweighed the good, that really, has it been worth it? Did I make the biggest mistake of my life by quitting my job and coming here? Who knows and time will tell, but truly, this is another stupid and frustrating situation that simply did not need to happen, which has been the theme of this journey called grad school.

Vent, over.

not dead

Just very over-whelmed with school, life, and all things dealing with me. Actually, I've been in a rather awesome mood the last few days, and for no particular reason at all.

Last semester did not end well and I was dealing with all of the (very unnecessarily) (CBA professor telling me I received one grade, when really, I received a much different lower grade. Another professor losing one of my papers and instead of telling me this, he just gave me an "Incomplete" for the semester. Which, I sent him my paper again (over a month ago) and he still has not posted my grade. Yes, I have emailed him about this) (and some other crap-a-roo-ni) crap of that during my break. Nice. However, it has been all dealt with, handled, pissed about and over and now onto the next, new, and last semester of my grad school career (thank god for that).

This past weekend one of my guy friends and I were supposed to go on what was to be a relaxing and fun-filled roadtrip. It was a blast for about 6 hours. Then we hit a deer in the middle of BFE IL at 5:45 in the a.m. Raodtrip no longer fun or stress-free.

I am taking classes sans classmates, which has been awesome and even more awesome. However, the three classes I am taking this semester (my last one!!) are very, very (very) paper intensive and well, I still have my research paper from last semester to finish, and comps to study for...so yeah. That's why I am not dead, just MIA. I will try to not be so MIA in the near future. But, I don't promise anything.

Hope you are all doing awesome and swell!

she's in control

...now I've got a lot...

Just an update on the life of a defunct party girl.

I (finally) heard yesterday in regards to BJ and the hearing (only took over two weeks, but whatever) (and I had to do the follow-up of, what the hell is going on). BJ was found guilty.

Yep. Guilty of all charges and claims.

-He is on academic disciplinary probation. Meaning, you fuck-up again, you're out.
-The 'no contact' order has been issued indefinitely. (Thank god)
-He was ordered to write me an apology letter. (I was asked if I wanted one of not, after much thought, I decided I did, but I wanted it to be approved by the Dean first, not just sent to me. I received it today via email. I have not read it and I am not sure if I will.

Frankly, I really do not believe that BJ is sorry. I think BJ is sorry that I took action, that it went as far as it did, and that he alienated himself from the group. However, I do not believe that he sees it that way; I think he believe I alienated him from the group, which I did not. Frankly, I don't think the group wants me around any more than I want to be around them. This is why I am purposely not taking any classes with them next semester.
Also, I will be taking my comprehensive exams alone, not with everyone else, so that I do not have to see BJ.
They are also deciding on whether or not BJ can attend graduation as I have asked that he not be allowed to.

So, today was my big CBA final and today is the last time that I will (hopefully) ever have to see BJ or (really anyone, minus my best gal) again. And thank god for that. Grad school has been a lot of things, but really, few of them have been good.

I still have three paper to finish by Thursday. One, CBA, I received an extension on, the other one, Ethics, is due by Thursday and my research paper, well, hopefully he will give me an RC (research continued) and not throw a big fit, cause it is not going to be finished by Thursday. (As a reminder, this is the prof who rolled his eyes at me.) So.

I think that's it for now.

Oh, and I've met someone. I really like him and we spend on average about 4-5 hours a night on the phone.(he does not live in home state) I'm being vulnerable, open, and honest; it feels pretty awesome.
You know how you don't know what the problem is, or you don't see a problem and then the lights come on and all becomes clear? Well, that's sort of been me this semester, the lights are on, it was painful getting to this point (very painful) and a difficult journey (quite ugly, actually) which is far from complete, but I can see where I was and where I am, and it's pretty damn huge. But it also feels pretty damn great.

I'm really friggin tired right now

...that's all.

Completely sorry for being MIA

Well, maybe not completely sorry. I have been diligently typing away at my pile and lists of "to do" (alas, there is no "honey" attached to it) before the end of the semester strikes.

Since I received extensions on two of my deadlines, this has only added to the pile. Relieved the stress (temporarily) but, still, the papers and their deadlines are on the list.

Today I managed to finish two more papers and start two others. This in despite of really, really, really (no, really) wanting to stay in a horizontal position on my big, ugly, comfy couch.
But, no, I was strong (or the stress and panic attack kicked my butt into gear) and I sweated it out at the keyboard for a few hours. However, that was all the more I was able to do. I think I have caught a bug. Not a bed bug or a love bug, but the
-am I going to throw-up?- bug. Thus, the creativity needed to write and not to plagiarize and be thrown out of school was in short supply by the time I reached papers 3 and 4.

Next week is my last week of classes, the following is finals week. As horrible (horrible, terribly, no good) as this semester has been, gee-golly-gosh has it flown on by.

And speaking of asshole, BJ received his "no contact" order over break, his hearing was on Wednesday, I have not heard anything to know what has/has not been done or agreed upon.
....only one week left....

some ponderings

Some thoughts:

Have you ever wondered just how cold fuck is?
As in the sentence: "It's cold as fuck out there"
This can also be seen in the phrasing, "It's hot as fuck out there."

Now, I've had some hot fucking, so maybe that's what it means, but cold as fuck? I've had some bad fucks, but I don't believe I have ever had any cold fucks. Dated a few, but that's another story.


If beer, mead, wine, alcohol, were the basic liquids to quench a thirst for most of time, then how did people get anything done? I bet they were tired, sleepy you might say, and drunk. Drunk just about all the time; just about everyday I would venture to guess. So, why can't we drink while at work, school? I would be much more productive and happy. Well, maybe not productive. I would probably have more pee breaks.

Fetal alcohol syndrome. It's bad. It's been shown that women should not drink while pregnant, if they do, there may be consequences. But what about my previous pondering. Women drank all the time, so in theory there were a lot of people (fetuses) who had fetal alcohol syndrome throughout time....so....were there just a lot of special needs person walking around and no one noticed?

Because we are all different, this causes conflict. Annoyances. I want to smack a lot of people upside their head. So, if we were all the same, would we get along better, or would that just cause more conflict? Typically those who I am closest to in personality, I want to smack the hardest in the head.


...that's all for now.

*This post is a result of being woken-up at 6 a.m. this morning and trying (unsuccessfully) to fall back to sleep.

**The result of the disturbance was due to my neighbor turning on the shower, the pipes rattling to the point of it sounding like a machine gun and my heart beating like machine gun blasts in my chest. Good morning.

and now, a break

So, I am interrupting my incredibly productive homework paper writing session (not sarcasm) to write a post. (So many papers to go, so little time left in the semester.) (Oh, not sure if I mentioned this, but two professors gave me an extension on two of my papers. Thank you, a million and eight, thank yous.)

As much as I was not looking forward to coming home, boy am I glad to be home and boy, do I not want to go back to my apartment. (I can't imagine why)(sarcasm.)

Wednesday afternoon I stopped into old place of employment to say hello to those I miss and love. They still miss and love me, too. Ah, nice.

Later in the afternoon I came home, did a large amount of laundry (sad that at 34 I am still bringing my dirty clothes home?) and spent some time with the moms cooking and talking. Nice.

Thursday I cooked (a large portion of the meal, good for my soul) and gained about 8.6 pounds (pretty sure it was all in carbs.)

Friday mom and I decorated the house while Papa decorated the outside of the house.

Last night was spent working on an art project (old t-shirts, cut into strips, braided together, then take the braids and sew them together until a purse/bag is formed.) (It should be finished by the time my grandkids graduate from college.)

Saturday was spent shopping around Target (or, I looked and moms shopped) along with a gazillion and two hundred other people. Oy.

Tonight, I am going out with one of my former employees from former place of employment for dinner and drinks. (We care more about the drinks than the eats) (and my body is screaming, yelling, begging for something green and in the vegetable category), but I am also looking for the sit long and talk much that she and I do so well. She is old enough to be my mother, and old hippie and cool as hell and great at listening and not judging.

Tomorrow, another former employee, now a kind friend, and I are going for coffee. Both of these friends have had a strong tone with me regarding all that has gone on with me and for not calling them or telling them about any of it prior to this week. Yeah, well....

Tomorrow in the late afternoon I will be heading home. I am not looking forward to it. Can't imagine why.(sarcasm) I also have not been sleeping; this is even with two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill; again, I can't image why.

On a completely unrelated front: I have brought my Cost-Benefit Analysis grade up from a D+ at mid-term to a C as of today. I really want to end the semester with a B. Here's hoping.

I hope all of you had a great Turkey Day and are filled to the top with beige carb deliciousness and warm feelings from family and friends.

an update

I just received a phone call stating that the no contact order was issued. It will be mailed out tomorrow, which means he will get it by Friday.

However, he is not home because of the holiday. So, my goal for him to receive it during the holiday, is not going to work. Also, it is a certified letter, he won't be home. So, this concerns me a bit.

Also, he will receive a letter stating that a school complaint has been issued against him and that it will go before a panel.

Needless to say, I am a bit emotional.

Also, the only person, other than my therapist who knows, is my mom. I did not want to bring my best gal into the situation that way, if someone asks her something, she literally, can play innocent to the situation. AND if BJ should be so stupid as to mention this to anyone, I have recourse.

But, a support network would be awesome right about now.

(and exhale.)

follow through

Today I asked for the "no contact" order to be issued.
I filled out all of the paperwork and answered and asked questions.

Tomorrow the paperwork will go before the Dean of Students and he will review it to see if the issues is necessary.

I also asked to file a university complaint.

What that means is that I asked that BJ be removed from my classes and attend the classes at an individual study instead.

Since I issued a complaint that means I will have to meet with the Dean of Students and answer all of his questions and go over everything all over again.

The complaint can be denied and I'm not sure if it will be issued or not.

The no contact order will more than likely be issued.

When I meet with the Dean of Students I will also ask about comprehensive exams and that I take them elsewhere so that I do not have to be in the same room with, or see, BJ on that day. I will also ask about graduation as he and I are close alphabetically.

Anyway. That's all. I am emotionally exhausted.

what taking control feels like

So, this was supposed to be an uneventful week and heavy on the homework so that I could relax starting yesterday.

Instead, it started out heavy on the homework and ended heavy into the continued drama.

The short of it: BJ has suddenly started to join in the group during class breaks and has been laying on the snide comments heavily this week. One comment about me was made to our professor. Nice and nothing unprofessional or inappropriate about that, at all.

On Tuesday I decided to leave the table and sit by myself on the opposite side, and out of view, of our break area. I felt really good about my decision and very in control. Go, me!

Then, he made the comment to the professor.

Jackass.

I felt fine Tuesday night. But, then the insomnia came back that night...I am still not sleeping great, but the full-on insomnia has been gone since the end of October. Then the emotions came on Wednesday. Verge of tears, stomach in fiery knots, could not concentrate...so I made an emergency appointment with my therapist.

We met, we talked, she set-up an appointment with a doctor for a med consult and also set-up an appointment for me to meet with the rape crisis counselor on campus to see what can be done with BJ in terms of keeping him away from me.

Wednesday I got two prescriptions: one for anxiety, one for sleep. Both can be taken sporadically and as I see fit. So, not everyday.

Yesterday, I felt really great, but completely exhausted from insomnia and also the anxiety med causes drowsiness, but the meds are awesome.

I went out last night with some friends from work, which was new and nice and I had a great time.

Then this morning I received a text message from my best gal asking me "...are you okay, did something happen?"

I was great and I had no idea about anything happening. So I called her.

Last night, BJ sent out a drunk-typed email at 1:50 this morning.

I am sorry to all of you about what has happened. I admit that what I did that night was wrong. None of you should be involved in this, but you are. I find it ridiculous and juvenile that this is even taking place, but it is. Therefore, I find it necessary to apologize for the current state of affairs among us, and to hope that you will judge me for who I am; a human being. I never intended for anything to happen. I got drunk, and I did things I am not proud of. However, for this to go on for more than three months is unacceptable. What happens happens, and you are not the ones that should deal with it.

I am not and do not pretend to be a perfect or even good person sometimes. But I, and you, do not deserve this.

Here's the thing: the group has no idea what is going on. They know I do not want to be around him, but they do not know why. Also, he never states that it is me, that he is talking about..so, slightly confusing. But more importantly, the group did not know what happened. Congrats, BJ, you just outed yourself.

I called the other male in our group (Matt) to ask him what brought this about. Matt and I talked and he (Matt) (and I am sure, BJ) felt that it was because of me that we all don't hang-out anymore and that I should just forget about the whole thing and move on.

I explained that us not all hanging out anymore, has nothing to do with me. We all have different lives than we did this time last year. The only person who knew what is/was going on is my best gal, as she was the only one who knew until Tuesday, when I told another friend. Any animosity amongst us, has nothing to do with me.
I also asked Matt how he would feel if this had happened to his sister. He changed his tune about the "forget and move on." I think I got through to him with that comment and we ended (I think) on a good note.

After many emails being exchanged today between BJ and my best gal (she sticking up for me, him still not getting it) (me wanting to send my own email, but resisting) which were forwarded to me.

Today I had my regular appointment with my therapist and then my appointment with the crisis counselor.

Short story long, I am giving myself the weekend to think about it, but I am 100% sure that on Monday I will issue a no contact order against BJ.

I can determine how I want it to be worded. I can have him removed from classes and I can have myself removed from classes, but (as of now) I have decided not to do that. I am asking (as of now) that he just stay X amount of feet way from me when we are not in class and should we run into each other outside of school. He is not to make eye contact or speak to me, no more snide comments, if I am with the group, he is not to join us, and if he is with the group, then I will not join them. The decscion of remaining in classes, he is finished with classes in December. I only have two weeks of classes left after we return from Turkey Break.

More importantly, come comprehensive exam time, I will get an accommodation to take the exams separately from everyone else. I don't want months of therapy progress to go down the drain on the most stressful day of my life, ya know?

As of now, I do not think I will tell any of my friends what actions I took (will be taking). I just don't want any of them to know, this might change. Oh, and he is not allowed to talk about it.

Pretty basic, really, but I feel so proud of myself. Taking control and taking action is hard and emotional and I am sure on Monday I will be all over the place emotionally (and on Tuesday when I meet for 2 hours with my therapist to talk about the actual events of the rapes)...so yeah, a break will be good. I need it. Thank goodness for meds and therapy. The massage I had scheduled today would have been amazing also, but I was 30 minutes late due to the above. So, yeah. A hot shower, my pajamas, and a good meal and perhaps a good beer will just have to do for tonight.