chapter 1

It's a game of true and false.

I moved into my apartment site unseen and it is exactly the apartment I was hoping for. (In terms of location and such.)

True. Right building, right side of the building, right floor.
Ta dah!

Friday, when I drove all the way up to my new place to sign my lease, get the keys, and to "clean" my new place, it took about six hours longer than I expected, thus cancelling my master plan for the rest of the day/weekend.

True. I am convinced that I could live in this apartment for two years, never clean, move, and still get all of my deposit back. Yeah. It was gross. Three people living here and apparently never cleaning, gross. I was planning to leave by 2:30 to return home on Friday, however I left around 5 and the place still wasn't clean.

The number of things listed as "broken" vs. "not broken" on the walk-through list is in the "not broken" favors.

False. Pick something, anything, "broken" is written next to it on the walk-through. Plus, I was just given the paper and the keys. No landlord was present. I thought about writing "huge hole in living room wall" because I'm pretty sure there will be one when I move out, I just like to be prepared.
Pretty sure the front door has been kicked in at least once. Definitely once, but I'm leaning more towards three, possibly four times. I feel safe.
Note to self: buy another lock for the door. Buy two. Three. Four? Naw, stick with two. No need to feel like I'm in New York.

"Mold all along the bathroom wall, under sink" is also written on the walk through.

True. And it's the really healthy safe kind, you know, the black kind of mold. The kind that can kill you. Yay!

This caused me not to go out Friday night and also not to pick-up the Uhaul Friday night.

True. So I didn't get the early start I had master planned out for Saturday.

Saturday, move day, couldn't have been hotter.

False. I'm pretty sure hell is hotter. Probably. Probably not by much. Literally. 104 degrees with humidity to match. Awesomeness.
Did I mention I live on the top floor?

Three is the number of times I almost passed out on Saturday due to heat, sweat, and exhaustion.

True. I never actually passed out, however, I did manage to see the nothingness of a black tunnel three times. I also mumbled to my mom that I didn't want mustard on my sandwich at one point when the blackness was most prevalent. See, even in the darkest moments I still have sandwich standards. Mayo, no mustard.

There was a hookah (hookah?) left in the Uhaul.

False. There was a HUGE one in the Uhaul trash, however. My brothers and I stood there in giggling admiration of the discarded pot paraphernalia, but it was in the trash. No amount of alcohol or Dial antibacterial soap would make it clean again.

By Sunday I was basically unpacked and living in a livable living situation.

True. By Sunday night I was hanging pictures and artwork and it was beginning to look like home.

I love the shade tree in front of my apartment.

Um, false. It is so shade-o-riffic that I need to have my lights on all the time. So. I will always be cool and well shaded, but my electric bill will probably be so high I won't be able to live here for much longer.
And it makes working on my tan really difficult.
Note to self: invest in candles for practical purposes.

Monday I was driving around, shopping, and finding stuff.

True. I found my class buildings, bought my books (I'm sure it will be $400.00 well spent. Sure of it.Turns out the bookstore is not owned by the university so financial aid was not an option. Wrote a check, didn't chance it with the debit card. No need to be embarrassed before school starts. Pay day was today.) I found Super Target and Barnes and Noble, coffee shops, organic stores. It was a good day. I haven't found a bagel store, but I have hopes.

Tuesday.

I have no idea what I did Tuesday. I'm sure it involved boxes, nails, hammers, and unpacking, hanging, and rearranging. Sure of it.

Oh wait. Tuesday I masturbated and watched porn. It was a good day.

Wednesday. I decided I was in desperate need of food groups for dinner. I'd been living on turkey sandwiches (mayo, no mustard) for breakfast and dinner (I've been too busy to eat lunch. See references to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.) I decided I needed green beans as one of the food groups. I had to go to five stores before I was able to locate any.

True/false. I only had to go to three stores. It was a mission. I'm not sure it was from God, but it was a mission to find green beans.

I also received a two-fer from Starbucks again.

True. Messed up order, got the mess-up and the non-mess-up. Twice. Once on Friday once today. The caffeine gods smiled on me and I called it good. Miraculously my headache went away as well. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, and the angles sang down on me.

Today I decided it was time to relax and get my Greek Island tan back.

True. After the great green bean mission, I decided to check out my pool. Hop into my suit, okay more of a pull-on the suit, throw on the pool dress, grab the beach towel (pool towel), book, keys, and cross the two yards. No one is in the pool. Super score. My side of the fence is locked. Hmm, okay cross over to the other side, that side is locked as well. Crap-ola. Oh. Hey. Look at that. There is a big 'ol sign on the gate. "Due to the theft of the floatation device the pool is closed until Thursday at 2:00. Management."
Poop stain.
Walk back to my apartment feeling very much like I was just scolded by my kindergarten teacher.
Tan will have to wait.
Until tomorrow.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Wednesday. As in a week ago.

True. It is to the point that I don't think a good night's sleep is possible.

Tomorrow more running around, picture ID, finding an ATM that doesn't charge me to get my own money, (seriously, why? It has to be the greatest idea ever...that and insurance. "Hey, tell you what. You give me your money for protection on something that may or may not happen, but you give me copious amounts of money just in case."
"Wow. That sounds fantastic! How does about $300 a month sound? Excellent. Here you go.", oh, and working on my tan. Damn kids had better returned that floatation device by now. I need to relax! However, most importantly I need a tan.

True. All true.