Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Simply because in my twisted mind I find this humorous. It may be the insomnia. It may just be my life.

It's late, I am still, for whatever reason, not sleeping, thus a quick blog post because I should be, but alas I am not, naked in bed.

Yesterday, well I guess that isn't accurate, Monday, was the first day of classes at my old job. Later in the day I received two emails and then even later in the day a phone call from one of my former employees begging me to come back to work. I laughed and asked what had happened in the course of the crazy first day of work known as fall semester. Well, I guess the first person they offered my job to, turned it down. Option number two accepted the position, came in and introduced herself on Friday, was sent home with my job duties, ect. and then called in on Monday (first day of classes) and quit. They were up a really big poo creek with no one to take the paddle; because as I pointed out to the former employee on my phone, do you really want to hire option number three because obviously there is a reason they are option number three.

The reason I find this funny: The new person, who ever that may be, will be making more money, only working 20 hours, not forty, has MUCH less responsibility as there are currently two other people doing the other aspects of my job so the new hire, whoever that may be, will only being doing one...ONE aspect of my former job. So. To recap: more money, less hours, more flexibility, less responsibility, and apparently no one wants it.
Yet I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave a position where: I made less money, worked forty (or more) hours a week, had no benefits, and there are currently (or will be) three people doing the (jobs) I alone did.

I told her tomorrow would be better and the next week would be even better and so on. Soon she would have a boss telling her what to do and all in the world of academia would be fine. I was feeling pretty loved after an hour of calming the former employee off the proverbial ledge.

Now for an update on my new job: Today (Tuesday) was my first day. I did some alphabetizing and I met the gal who has the assistanship within the program, the computers were down so I couldn't do any typing, and I didn't know the password to check voice mail, I worked on some homework. I felt I earned my pay today.
When the afternoon (real worker) came in she asked how it went. I told her it was uneventful, but fine. She told me to enjoy it while I can because it won't last. As she put it so delicately, "Director Lady will be keeping me busy, so enjoy it while I can."
I suddenly felt like a misplaced character in a chick lit book. Th title character who is about to meet her fate, which she has misinterpreted as a plus but was about to be multiplied into a big minus.
I am sure I am wrong, but every once in awhile I like to pretend I am the star in my own TV show. It makes life more interesting that way. Hmmm, I wonder what will happen to my misguided character tomorrow? I foresee papers, the library, cute lost students asking me questions, and feeling as if, at thirty-three years old, that I know nothing. Nothing at all. Sometimes that is refreshing and sometimes not so much.

...Oh, I need sleep.

Monday, August 27, 2007


That incredibly low paying, high networking job, yeah, it's mine! I start tomorrow. Monday-Friday 9-12. Now, I won't be working this job for the money. Seriously, the pay is laughable and by far the worst pay I've ever been offered. How laughable and how bad you ask, my take home will be less than $300 a month. Yes, that was a month. I am doing the job to: get on a schedule because mine is currently horrible, (falling asleep around 4 a.m. up around 11 a.m.) to network, and to meet some people cause I know two people here. One is a friend, Phil, who is married and really wants to sleep with me. The other is a former employee and I don't know that I would actually consider her a friend. Me need some peeps to hang with and also to utilize my vocal cords.
So, let's hope I get the additional student loans I need because yeah, less than $300 a month won't exactly pay the bills.
But, typically I have always been the happiest at the jobs where I make the least amount of money. So, I expect to be ecstatic every single day at work.


Friday, August 24, 2007

how you livin'?

Karma, destiny, pre-destined, happenstance, haphazard. How do you live your life?

Me, I am a firm believer in karma. What comes around goes around. Big believer in that. Predestined? Um, not so much. The thought that my whole life has already been all planned out for me? It's too much to think that I don't have any control over path A or path B. Happenstance and haphazard, yeah, those are pretty much how I feel I live my life sometimes. I think I come off as very spontaneous and as if I don't think things through sometimes. Which, okay that's true, but mostly I think things through privately and then announce what I am doing which seems to be out of the blue. Sometimes I just have things that get stuck in my head and then I write them down. This post would be a case of that. (The popping and writing down thing.) Back in March (remember March? What a great month. Mr. London was leaving, my girl friend was secretly stalking Mr. London because, I have no idea why, friends stabbing me in the back, job falling through, school telling me I was one credit short of graduating...good month.) I kept having the date August 24 pop into my head. I finally wrote it down in my planner and wrote, "life will change for the better." in the date blank and that was that. Even up until yesterday I was having doubts about my psychic abilities. Well I'll be damned. I think life did just change for the better.

After a week of coming to terms with the quirks of my apartment, having a friend tell me he could no longer in good conscious be friends with me anymore because he is attracted to me, but dating someone else, going to all of my classes and meeting everyone in the program, but still feeling a bit lonely and misplaced at times the week has come to an end, and a wonderful end at that.

I received a call at 1:24 p.m. today wanting to know what my availability would be for a job I had applied for at 12:03 a.m. this morning. I told them and they quickly hung-up. At 1:28 p.m. I received another call and they wanted to know if I could come in at 2:00 p.m. for an interview. Ah, no. (hair was still wet, I wasn't dressed, and I wasn't sure where the building was.) What about 3? Ah, no. I have a meeting at 3:00. My mind is racing a gazillion miles an hour trying to figure out when and what I could do because I really want this incredibly low-paying, but high networking job. We decided on 4:00 and I will just leave my meeting early (it was a meeting for all of us grad students.)

The interview went magnificent and she (the director) ended the interview with, "I have one last interview on Monday at 8:30." A glance at the other applicant's paperwork and a look of irritation on her face about the prospect, "but I am very excited about you. You stay close to your phone."

Super score! I would be the assistant to the director of the Women's Studies program here at Semi-big U and it is exactly in my area of interest and what my undergrad minor was in. More importantly it is in an area I want to focus in when I am finished with my degree and I can do some serious networking and getting my foot in all the right doors.

The one friend I have here calls it, lesbian studies. He is super excited about all of the lesbians I will meet and he sees it as a way to speed up the process of making his birthday present come to fruition that much quicker (a threesome.) I see it as an excellent opportunity in the area of future employment and that whole, changing the world thing I am so fond of, but I'm guessing it isn't going to do much for the future dating prospects. (Of men. Or is it? You tell me.)

I had decided at the beginning of the week that I would celebrate the end of the week with a trip to the local pizza place in the middle of college central. I ordered the pizza, it was delivered to my door and all five cheeses were nicely melt together. After digging into the third piece (fourth piece) I came to the conclusion that what I was smacking my lips with was stoner food. Complete and total stoner food. I didn't have any pot, but the beer was super gooooood. (I was actively ignoring the brick in my stomach.)

After a particularly harsh Thursday night class (I have 24 papers due just in that one class. No need to re-read that Yes, 2-4. 24 papers for one class. Yay.) I stopped at a local non-mass-marketed-coffee shop. The gal working the counter was adorably cute, friendly, went on and on about the bracelets I was wearing and oogled them even more when I told her I had made them. Is it shallow that this totally made my week? The chocolate goodies I ate on the drive home totally made my night. Score on a cool non-cookie-cutter coffee shop with friendly adorable locals to talk with. The two middle-aged moms sitting at one of the tables knitting sold me on the place.

A neighbor knocking on my door and greeting me with an apology that was nicely phrased in a British accent and sporting a rock star faux-hawk asking if I had water, only to discover I did not; was a lovely pause in my morning. Having the mystery smell disappear from my bathroom once the water returned and stopped running red-brown was a most welcome unexpected development. (I realize that reads as if my water was always red-brown...ah, no. My apartment isn't that gross, it was that color when the water came back on and the pipes cleaned out. It is now the proper water color, which is none.)

Finding the local art store and discovering they have the proper art supplies to make my apartment even cooler, hipper, and more vibrant and alive with color makes the feeling of perpetual dusk that I actually live in bearable.

I am currently trying to talk myself out of going to get ice cream. One, I don't "need it." Two, I have to get dressed (I'm naked a lot.) (actually I'm in my "jammies") (which is naked....)(kidding.) Three, the brick is still in my belly and the ice cream will turn into a bigger brick...but I'm not sure I care about that. Yeah, it's more about having to get dressed. Jammies and nakedness in public needs to become more acceptable. I need to make that a goal.

So, did I win a million dollars? I wouldn't be writing this if I did. Did I meet the love of my life? Again I wouldn't be writing this if I had. Win a trip around the world? Again with the typing thing. No, none of those, but sometimes we have to think about all of the small things, lump them altogether, take them for their greater sum and realize life is pretty great when we focus on the good things and not the bad things. Here's to life changing for the better from here on out.

Oh, and hoping I get that incredibly low-paying, exceptionally high-networking job.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

inner dork: all things whore-like

Oh sure, I may be living in the perpetual dusk thus making it feel like Oregon. I may be living in a monsoon like some randomly chosen Asian country. I may not know what a decent night's sleep feels like because my apartment, mind, and body are all sabotaging me and there may be some sort of funky smell coming from my bathroom that is totally not bathroom related, but inner dork will live on!

So, did you know...

In the 18th century it was common to refer to a penis as a "whore pipe."
(And I am sure a few men of this blog will know start to bring that phrase back.)

In early-sixteenth-century Europe, harlots and courtesans were referred to as "nuns," and a brothel was a "nunnery." The expression "Get thee to a nunnery" was actually an encouragement to go to a brothel.
(I need to go to a nunnery.)
(So, then when did nuns become christians and harlots become whores?)

During the 1800's there were approximately six thousand brothels and eighty to a hundred thousand prostitutes working in metropolitan London.
(And that's why it is refered to as, "Merry 'ol England.")

During the first Crusade, English knights spent their entire campaign fund on prostitutes.
(And that's why there had to be a second, and third Crusade.)

..that's all I's got for today. I have to run off to class. Well, fist I have to get dressed, and then run off to class.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

and so it begins

Yesterday was the start of classes. Ah, what a vacation, I tell ya.

The class is a seminar, basically a way to get to know everyone in the program and also a way to write a crap load of papers. Today is the start of my most feared class, but I am trying to have a good attitude about it, social statistics. I hate math, math hates me. I'm also pretty sure I have a learning disability towards math, it's called fear, but I am going in with a positive attitude. It's also an undergrad class, the grad stats class is this spring. (I don't have the math requirement, hence the class.)

Anyway, I have all late afternoon and night classes- super score. I also don't have a job- super, super score. I'm also going to fall into a super lazy routine in about another week. To go from six jobs, two classes, two moves, six hours of sleep a night, to- nothing....screech! That would be the sound of my mind coming to a screeching halt. I have gotten decent sleep the last two nights. Here is why that is significant: every night, every single night, something in my apartment has fallen in the middle of the night scaring the crap out of me. The other night I had two pictures fall on my face while sawing some zzz's. That was fun. Last night nothing fell. This meant I actually got out of bed earlier. However, I either need to get up at a decent time and hit the workout and then hit the library or....lupy, bumpy, slug will start to set in...or I will be getting a job. And that's simply sad.

Oh, and I know this will be shocking, but all of my blog time in the past was done from work. I know, shocking. So since I don't have a job right now, um....the blogging might decline. Might. Don't know. Keep checking in.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

chapter 1

It's a game of true and false.

I moved into my apartment site unseen and it is exactly the apartment I was hoping for. (In terms of location and such.)

True. Right building, right side of the building, right floor.
Ta dah!

Friday, when I drove all the way up to my new place to sign my lease, get the keys, and to "clean" my new place, it took about six hours longer than I expected, thus cancelling my master plan for the rest of the day/weekend.

True. I am convinced that I could live in this apartment for two years, never clean, move, and still get all of my deposit back. Yeah. It was gross. Three people living here and apparently never cleaning, gross. I was planning to leave by 2:30 to return home on Friday, however I left around 5 and the place still wasn't clean.

The number of things listed as "broken" vs. "not broken" on the walk-through list is in the "not broken" favors.

False. Pick something, anything, "broken" is written next to it on the walk-through. Plus, I was just given the paper and the keys. No landlord was present. I thought about writing "huge hole in living room wall" because I'm pretty sure there will be one when I move out, I just like to be prepared.
Pretty sure the front door has been kicked in at least once. Definitely once, but I'm leaning more towards three, possibly four times. I feel safe.
Note to self: buy another lock for the door. Buy two. Three. Four? Naw, stick with two. No need to feel like I'm in New York.

"Mold all along the bathroom wall, under sink" is also written on the walk through.

True. And it's the really healthy safe kind, you know, the black kind of mold. The kind that can kill you. Yay!

This caused me not to go out Friday night and also not to pick-up the Uhaul Friday night.

True. So I didn't get the early start I had master planned out for Saturday.

Saturday, move day, couldn't have been hotter.

False. I'm pretty sure hell is hotter. Probably. Probably not by much. Literally. 104 degrees with humidity to match. Awesomeness.
Did I mention I live on the top floor?

Three is the number of times I almost passed out on Saturday due to heat, sweat, and exhaustion.

True. I never actually passed out, however, I did manage to see the nothingness of a black tunnel three times. I also mumbled to my mom that I didn't want mustard on my sandwich at one point when the blackness was most prevalent. See, even in the darkest moments I still have sandwich standards. Mayo, no mustard.

There was a hookah (hookah?) left in the Uhaul.

False. There was a HUGE one in the Uhaul trash, however. My brothers and I stood there in giggling admiration of the discarded pot paraphernalia, but it was in the trash. No amount of alcohol or Dial antibacterial soap would make it clean again.

By Sunday I was basically unpacked and living in a livable living situation.

True. By Sunday night I was hanging pictures and artwork and it was beginning to look like home.

I love the shade tree in front of my apartment.

Um, false. It is so shade-o-riffic that I need to have my lights on all the time. So. I will always be cool and well shaded, but my electric bill will probably be so high I won't be able to live here for much longer.
And it makes working on my tan really difficult.
Note to self: invest in candles for practical purposes.

Monday I was driving around, shopping, and finding stuff.

True. I found my class buildings, bought my books (I'm sure it will be $400.00 well spent. Sure of it.Turns out the bookstore is not owned by the university so financial aid was not an option. Wrote a check, didn't chance it with the debit card. No need to be embarrassed before school starts. Pay day was today.) I found Super Target and Barnes and Noble, coffee shops, organic stores. It was a good day. I haven't found a bagel store, but I have hopes.


I have no idea what I did Tuesday. I'm sure it involved boxes, nails, hammers, and unpacking, hanging, and rearranging. Sure of it.

Oh wait. Tuesday I masturbated and watched porn. It was a good day.

Wednesday. I decided I was in desperate need of food groups for dinner. I'd been living on turkey sandwiches (mayo, no mustard) for breakfast and dinner (I've been too busy to eat lunch. See references to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.) I decided I needed green beans as one of the food groups. I had to go to five stores before I was able to locate any.

True/false. I only had to go to three stores. It was a mission. I'm not sure it was from God, but it was a mission to find green beans.

I also received a two-fer from Starbucks again.

True. Messed up order, got the mess-up and the non-mess-up. Twice. Once on Friday once today. The caffeine gods smiled on me and I called it good. Miraculously my headache went away as well. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, and the angles sang down on me.

Today I decided it was time to relax and get my Greek Island tan back.

True. After the great green bean mission, I decided to check out my pool. Hop into my suit, okay more of a pull-on the suit, throw on the pool dress, grab the beach towel (pool towel), book, keys, and cross the two yards. No one is in the pool. Super score. My side of the fence is locked. Hmm, okay cross over to the other side, that side is locked as well. Crap-ola. Oh. Hey. Look at that. There is a big 'ol sign on the gate. "Due to the theft of the floatation device the pool is closed until Thursday at 2:00. Management."
Poop stain.
Walk back to my apartment feeling very much like I was just scolded by my kindergarten teacher.
Tan will have to wait.
Until tomorrow.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Wednesday. As in a week ago.

True. It is to the point that I don't think a good night's sleep is possible.

Tomorrow more running around, picture ID, finding an ATM that doesn't charge me to get my own money, (seriously, why? It has to be the greatest idea ever...that and insurance. "Hey, tell you what. You give me your money for protection on something that may or may not happen, but you give me copious amounts of money just in case."
"Wow. That sounds fantastic! How does about $300 a month sound? Excellent. Here you go.", oh, and working on my tan. Damn kids had better returned that floatation device by now. I need to relax! However, most importantly I need a tan.

True. All true.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

inner dork: PG factoids

All my books along with all of my useless knowledge are boxed up. So I will supply you with useless information 'bout me.

Did you know... (and if you did, um, who are you and why are you stalking me?)

I've been in five car accidents. Two of which should have killed me. However, I have managed to walk (limp) away from all of them.

None of those car accidents were my fault.

One, roll over (rolled three times and landed upside down in a corn field in the middle of B.F.E. and in the backseat.) I was 17.
Hit a bridge embankment due to ice. Around 19 or 20 years old.
Rear-ended a guy (oh, that one was my fault. More damage to my car than his.)I was 17.
Rear-ended by a guy going over 50MPH, I was in the middle of two other cars. My car was mushed really good. I was 21 years old.
Roll-over, mom was driving. I was 22 years old.
(knock on wood.)

I have two brothers. One older (36) one younger (23.) I also have a step-brother and a step-sister (I dunno. If I think they are idiots, do they count?)

My parents divorced when I was 15.

It is still one of the most pivotal moments of my life.

Also one of the best things that ever happened to our family.

I always say goodnight to the moon.

I also always pause to look at the moon.

I love gardening.

Therefore my deck garden is my solace.

I love a weekend that has the phrase: "I read a book while working on
my tan."

When someone says something that I think is sending bad vibes out into
the universe I always knock on wood three times.

When I spill salt I always throw some over my shoulder.

"The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien is one of my all time favorite

But so is the "Lorax" by Dr. Seuss.

I believe it is perpetually 1997.

I have no idea why. It wasn't a particularly good year, but I am always surprised to learn it is not 1997.

So I am surprised a lot.

My first car was a 1981 Citation. My aunt bought it for me, cost
$200.00. That would be total dollars.

It lasted less than a year. We moved the middle of my senior year of high school and I commuted over 50 miles each day.

My porn star name is: He-She Cornell. (Name of my first pet, name of
the first street I lived on.)

My mom couldn't remember if the dog was a "he" or a "she." Hence the name,

First pet I owned as an adult was a mean as hell black Cocker Spaniel
named Busker. (Boo-sker.) After the band Busker Soundcheck. He had
separation issues. And territorial issues, and just generally mean as
hell doesn't want anyone he doesn't know around him, issues. He just generally had issues. Otherwise he was a great dog....well, and awesome watch dog.

I lost my virginity at 16. (I'm still trying to find it. "Virginity!" "Virginity come home!")

The first time I got into a bar was 16. (The above are not related.)

I've done professional acting work. (There was no soundtrack of, "Wa-chicky-wa-wa," involved.)

....that's all I can come up with for today.

So, tell me a useless factoid about you.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

happy sad

Well today was it, my last day at Big College.
It was a lovely send off.
A few care packages to send me on my way.
One large sheet cake (with not a single piece left to bring home. *sigh*)
One corsage made out of money (and it matched my outfit. Awesomeness.)
Several peeps stopping by to wish me well.
One card filled with a lot of money. (A lot of money.)
Many hugs.
A few tears.
Many, many promises to keep in touch and many email addresses shared.
One round of applause when I announced my soapbox plan for the world (make woman powerful, stop the dumbing down of women in society, end the media images of beauty, thinness, and idolizing stupidity. The power of one person to change the world and the ripple effect of those changes. Quite simple really.)
Several students, and a few of my employees came in to campus just to wish me well.
Even the guys in the IT department were sad to see me leave.

I am sad to leave as well, but I am very excited about the first sentence of the new chapter that will begin this weekend. Very excited. It is finally here. I can't wait to see what the first words on the page will be.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Its been a wonderful chapter

He walks by my desk and notices the book I have lying next to my arm, “What’s this?”
“It’s a book that Cynical Sue gave me to read. It’s a book about an immigrant son who is also a first generation college student. She is letting me borrow it because he and are going though some of the same things.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“What that I’m an immigrant or a first generation college student?”
He smiles at the immigrant crack because he knows full well that I am not, “No, that you’re a first generation college student.”
“Yep, I am and there are many, many things that I am having trouble with emotionally in terms of that.” He walks away as my eyes fall to my lap and my mind becomes distant as I get emotional just thinking about it. I come from a very Midwest, very blue collar family. All are very successful (some are happy) in what they do, however, no one has been to college in my immediate, and for that matter I can only think of one cousin who has also attended college and has a Master’s degree, in my entire family.

This whole college business, the whole B.A., the whole Master’s program, the thoughts of going after my Ph.D? Yeah, the family doesn’t understand it. No, I mean they don’t understand it at all. When I came back to school a few semesters ago, my mother’s only advice was, “Just don’t drop out this time.”
Gives you warm fuzzies doesn’t it? Yep, that was the only thing that was said to me. Do you know how many times she told me to drop out over the last two years? Too many to count. She didn’t understand the stress of it and hated to see me going though all of the stress and tears; so the fact that I am willing to go through it all again, and in an even more intense way, why in the hell would I do that to myself? They also don’t understand the difference between a Bachelor’s and a Master’s. They don’t understand the degree I am pursuing (Public Policy) and they don’t understand what is that I want to do, (change the world for all of humankind) why I want to do it, (because I can. It's all about the power of one) or what the degree means (personal happiness, personal freedom, a better job, a better future.) I finally sent my mother the link to the Small State U’s website with the link to the program description because she couldn't remember what the program was called or what it is I want to do. She has since printed it out and tacked it to her bulletin board.

I know they are proud of me, I know they wish me well, I also know they don’t understand me, and can’t for the life of them understand why I would willingly put myself though it again, and I have yet to hear, “Congratulations!” from anyone that has the same blood as me. This doesn’t do a lot for the moral or self-motivation factor. Does a lot for the self-doubt, self reflection, what the hell am I doing, factor.

The parent’s don’t understand the stress, the determination, the love of education and knowledge and the differences in the level of degrees. They don’t understand the money involved in college tuition, the financial sacrifices, the personal life that goes to the way-side, the sleep deprivation, the student loans, the textbooks (one semester in explaining the textbook buyback my mother exclaimed, “Well, that’s just a big ripe off.” Yes, yes it is. Welcome to academia.) any and all of it is misunderstood, which means, I am misunderstood, my goals are misunderstood, so therefore the support system and the words of encouragement are not always what I need, get, or want and the cheerleading is shown in words of, “you need to drop out and get a job.”

So. This next week is going to be rote with emotion. I am leaving my family (who drive me crazy, but I do love ‘em) and friends (who, over the past year, I have discovered who my real ones are and who were only using me) a job I love and adore, a place I have called home for thirty-three years all to start a new chapter in my life. However, the thing I am going to miss the most is the support, love, words of encouragement, and cheerleading I receive everyday when I walk into my job. I don’t think it is a huge secret that I work at a very large college and have for several years. I work within a particular office and I work with a great group of students. The students change with the semesters and with the seasons; many I love many I want to kick to the curb most have been exceptional and have been an inspirational to get to know their stories and see them grow over the years. But it is the staff, the instructors, who I work with, learn from, interact with, and have the most wonderfully random conversations with on a ongoing basis that have truly been the kick I’ve needed to keep going when the days, weeks, months have been tough. Their words of encouragement, wisdom, sarcasm, cynicism, and pats on the back, and cheerleading, which I am going to miss so very dearly. So, so very dearly when I leave next week. The intellectual and the asinine conversations, the loud laughter, the randomness, the sentences of, “…what is wrong with the students today….?!?!?!” The wonderful pressure of, “So, when are you going after your Master’s?” Which have now turned into, “So, where are you going to go for your Ph.D?” The students who say the kindest words to me, wave to me from across campus, who I pass by on the sidewalks, the days when I accomplish nothing at work because everyone stops by to talk and has the need for me to play psychologist, doctor, teacher, bartender, friend who are the encouragement and the push that I need because they see and know things about me that I haven’t had the opportunity to discover in myself yet. Knowing that so many people who I work with, meet, and have conversations with throughout the day have meant so very much to me. But I also have the knowledge that I have meant just as much, and have made such a difference to so many people; and that's when I realize that this chapter is going to be a very diffuclt one to close, but I also realize I truly do have a wonderful life.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

inner dork: apples, and oranges (and other assorted fruit)_

It's all tutti fruity today.

Did you know...

Pomology is the study of fruit.

Tomatoes and cucumbers are fruits.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient for waking you up in the morning.(Yes, but coffee doesn't require flossing.)

Fresh apples float because 25% of their volume is air. (Therefore, 25% less calories than a non-fresh apple.)

The avocado has the most calories of any fruit. (But it makes such a tasty dip.) (And facial.)

The most widely eaten fruit in America is the banana. (Hmmm, bananas. They come in their own little carrying case.)

The average banana weighs 126 grams.

Approximately 17,000 bananas are eaten each week in the Boston University dining room. (The other universities refused to comment.)

Bananas do not grow on trees but on rhizomes.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. (She shoots, she scores!)

Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries. (Therefore making a much better beverage.)

Seeds are missing from a navel orange. The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange. (You say navel, I say belly-button.)

Orange juice helps the body absorb iron easily when consumed with a meal. (And not so easily when it's not taken with a meal.)

Pineapples do not ripen after they have been picked. (How do you know when a pineapple is ripe? I do not wish to knock on its shell as it is prickly.)

Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. (Totally gonna test this one out.)

A cucumber consists of 96% water. (Therefore contains 96% less calories.)

More than 200 varieties of watermelon are grown in the United States. (I can name two, seeded and seedless.) (Okay four, big and small.) (196 more to go.)