Friday, December 30, 2005

lube, vaginas and swallowing

I love the fact that everyone was able to be honest and asked some great follow-up questions AND called some bullshit on some women they encountered. I was planning on having today's post be about wetness, but as I was asked about swallowing and also about vagina size and stigmas there, I am combining all three.

Jay mentioned about women stating they need 12 inches to be satisfied. Jay I couldn't agree more and I am glad you called their bluff. I do know of some women who absolutely need a large man and they absolutely love to be pounded into. They also claim to be able to have an orgasm without any clit stimulation. Therefore, I don't know if they are full of shit all around or just magical creatures and aren't comfortable dispelling myths.(honestly, I know everyone is different) I am also glad you mentioned average penis size is 5 3/4 inches. I meant to mention this yesterday and forgot, so thank you.

Rob, I think porn has done a great disservice to many men and women and couples. The whole WOW! look at the professionals, I must be inadequate and therefore doing everything wrong. The John Holmes of the industry are sought out, they are larger than life (wow, didn't even mean to make that pun) and again are mythical creatures. To be in the presence of a large penis is a wondrous and magical thing. It's beautiful and wonderful, but all I want to do is pet it. There is no way I could do anything more with it.

Wavslidn brought up a couple good points from the last post and also from previous posts. A man can go around bragging about his size, but if a women mentioned her size and how big her vagina is then there is a whole other stigma attached to size. Women, like men, can not help or control her size, just as she can not control the way she looks. However, with daily exercise (kegels) as a daily thing to do to tighten up and continue to do them for the rest of her life before and after giving birth, things will be nice and tight. However, I do know of some men who prefer to have a 'looser' woman, so again it's all about preference. Personally, I do my daily kegels and like to think I am on the tight side. I guess I've never had anyone complain about it, so I think I am good, but who knows. A man isn't going to tell me to my face, "um, gee you're kinda loose and big." Just as I'm not going to say, "Is it in?"
On the question about men bragging about their anacondas in their pants. Having been on the receiving end of such comments at the bar, I completely ignore these men and first: think they are full of shit. Second: Are only about showing how big they are, they will in no way be concerned with pleasing me. I will simply be another notch in their bedpost. No thanks. So tell them to shut up. There is also a fairly high chance that I will say something very smart-assed to them that they probably won't appreciate, but will certainly make them leave me alone.

There was also a comment about swallowing. Personally I love to swallow. If I am totally into the guy, wow, there isn't anything better. (at that moment) It's total acceptance. If he had a problem licking all of me up after all the work and pleasure he just went to to get me off, yeah what was the point? To finish me off with his finger or to have me finish myself off because he wasn't comfortable with 'me' and my cum, I can't imagine the blow that would come to my self-esteem at that moment. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? You are so vulnerable when you are about to cum or are with someone new in bed (or with anyone) What are they into? not into? What if I bring something up and they freak? What if I do or say something that will not want them to be with me again. Oy! the pressure. So again for me to take a man and swallow, wow! Acceptance. I know some women will say they don't like the taste blah, blah, blah. Ok, if a woman really doesn't like it then absolutely don't do it. Never do anything you don't want to or aren't comfortable with. Yes, certain foods do affect the taste, but honestly the only one factor that I have noticed that really, honestly truly affects the taste is smoking and that seems to be more about brand and frequency of smoking. (odd, I know) Otherwise I haven't noticed anything that makes a huge difference. Oh, asparagus also not so good, but again, how many men eat this on a daily or even a semi-regular basis.

Ok, onto wetness. Just like penis size, again something that women really can't control. (Where's the KY?) If a guy can't get me wet I would never say, "what the fuck? What are you doing wrong?" Not really his fault or something he can control. Just as in it isn't necessarily my fault if he can't get as hard or big as he normally can. It might be something I am doing wrong, but again perhaps not. We could have been out drinking, had a bad day, stress, situational ect.
For me lubing is not a problem. This isn't something I really ever gave that much thought to until recently when the men I have been with have commented about how wet I get. (um, thanks) Actually, I personally get off on how wet I can get and just how wet I can get myself. I know I said it's not the man's fault if he can't get a woman wet, which honestly it could just be the woman isn't able to, but again for me if I'm not even a little bit wet, then there is a problem. I have gone from being Lake Placid to being the Sahara, but it had to do more with a "what the fuck are you doing?!!" type situation than anything else.

A few more things on swallowing. I've had a couple male friends tell me they prefer not to have the woman swallow because they are so sensitive at that moment that to go back over the head is way too much for them. I've also had a male friend turn his nose up in disgust at the thought of his wife swallowing. So, is it really a preference? Personally, I would think all men would love it and want it and be disappointed if she didn't. What's the truth?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

where's my ruler, I need to measure that thing

A girlfriend and I were talking the other day and penis size was brought up. She and I both agreed that anything over 8.5 inches was too big.
I tend to be more on the shallow side so I can't handle anything much bigger. I may think I can. I may try to. I will be willing and think I am able, but the next day I will still be feeling it and well, not so much fun. I don't like to feel like I just gave birth after only having sex.
I have been with a man who was (I swear to God) maybe four inches, hard. (that would be long and I think he was maybe an inch around) I felt like I was being tickled, but not much else. I have tried to be with someone who was well over 12 inches. (I walked funny for a few days afterward. Oh, the pain. I swear he was 8 inches soft. It was a short lived relationship. I just couldn't do it.)I have been with men who were 6 inches, and it was great, awesome and amazing. It's all about technique, confidence, creativity in the bedroom (or wherever you might be)

The vagina only has feeling up to 4 inches, therefore 12 inches coming at me that is the size of a family can of soup
first: is going to scare me. I really have no desire to have a ruler inside me.
second: I'm only going to feel 4 inches of it, so who cares about the other 8. (ok, but if you're only 4 inches, well.....)
third: I won't know what to do with it. My thought process will pretty much be, yeah, where do you think your going with that thing? (See the aformentioned and also see gag reflex coming on. I love giving head, but seriously I can only deep throat so much. If your girth is the size of the aformentioned family can of soup I am going to cut you with my teeth. I can only dislodge my jaw so far. Anal sex? No way in hell. No way. Forget about it. Don't even mention it or bring it up. More than 8 inches in my ass? A family can of soup in my ass? Yeah, I'm going to laugh and laugh and laugh, no fucking way.) (I'm laughing right now. Now fucking way.)
For me, 8 inches is plenty. Anymore than that I'm going to have to think seriously about. Girth is important. I prefer girth over length any day. I think most women prefer girth over length.

When I was on the adult websites and the men would show pictures of their dicks with a ruler and their screen name would be something like, "10-inch Curt" and they had a Pringles can next to their dick, yeah I'm gonna have to pass. First, he is going to think he is a porn star and second, as he thinks he is a porn star, therefore a stud, I will be the board and he will be the nail pounding into me. (I'm getting sore just thinkning about it)

So, size does matter, but honestly I think for most women they are not size queens and they will say, 7-8.5 inches is plenty.(plenty.)How hard you get and how wet I get, now that absolutely matters. But, that's for another day.

inner dork

Did you know the word "fuck" comes from colonial times? Yep, when people were punished they were put in the stockades and their crimes were listed above them so everyone knew what their crime was. (oh, the shame) Anyway, F-U-C-K was short for, 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge'

cheesy pick-up line

If I asked you to sleep with me would your answer be the same as to this question?

(it's a thinker. It's a win/win. If you answer yes, you're sleeping with him. If you answer no, you're sleeping with him.)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

sex ed

Ok, I am a little closer to figureing out the money shot thing, but basically I think it boils down to dominance and porn. Porn being the key and being where too many men (and women) have gotten their primary education when it comes to sex. As in, WOW! He cums on her and she seems to love it, I must do this. Perhaps I am supposed to do this.

Now, I watch porn, I own porn, I have masturbated and had sex to porn, I've watched porn with boyfriends, dates and in a room full of male friends where I was the only girl. I get it. I am however, not the target audience when it comes to most porn. Where the porn is targeted to me, it is much hotter and better.

I have watched porn with male friends as an educational tool to show where and when the women are faking it. (seriously, you have to know that almost all of it is faked. (right, you do know this. Please tell me you know this) I don't know of too many women who as soon as his cock is inserted into her pussy she starts moaning all high pitched like instantly. I don't know of too many women who sound like a high pitched porn star when she is cumming. (clue: she's faking it. Which, this brings up another point, men who don't know when their woman is faking it. Clues that she is not faking it: legs are quivering like a bowl full of jelly, she keeps getting wetter and wetter, she is thrashing up off the bed in an uncontrolable way. She is moaning in a low gutteral throaty way, not a high pitched heyena way) (I realize all women are different, however I do believe most follow these simple easy to detect orgasmic clues)

Ok, back to porn as education.

Now, I have certainly learned a lot from porn. Postions. (most should stay in a porn, cause good lord, they're fun at the time, but not the next day. Excuse me while I crane my entire body to speak to you) Techniques for giving head, but mostly my education with porn is in seeing a new position and trying it out.

When you see a man giving a women head, I'm sorry, that's just piss poor technique. You don't sit back and lick, you smash your face in there and lick and nibble and tease all around. (I realize it's for camera angles, but come on, get in there)You grab his head and smash and hold. (excuse me why I go into a sex daydream for a moment)(20 minutes later..and I'm back)

The main problem I have with porn is when the man is on top. He is just pounding her. I hate sex like this. I am not a board, you are not a nail. Do not pound your cock into me as hard and fast as you possibly can. (again, I know some women like this, but I am going to guess it's few who actually do) This is why I will always (always) choose to be on top. I am dominate, I am in control. (Oh, and it goes deep)(and back to sex daydream)(this leads to a conversation on size, which is for another post) The vagina only has feeling up to 4 inches, everything else is lube. The G-spot? Yeah, I can hit it with my finger. Or your finger, it's 3-4 inches inside. No more, no less. No need to pound into me. (Stop pounding into me, I'm going to get a black eye from my boobs)

Basically, porn. Fun to watch, fun to learn some freaky ass postions. Not good for dialog (can't say as I have ever really listened to any of it) Talk to your man and your woman. Figure out what they like and hate. This works with talking dirty during sex. FUCK! YES! Just fucking like that! That's fucking amazing! Don't you dare move from right there! Stay just like that! Oh my god yes! (repeat, repeat, repeat. Upon the threat of death, repeat. Don't you dare move!) Whew! Good boy!! (and back to my sex daydream) (oh hell who am I kidding? Time to crack open the toy chest)

Monday, December 26, 2005

no money shots

Ok, short sweet and to the point, seriously what is it with cumming in a girl's face? Unthink1 and I want to know. I really don't get it. There is only one thing I won't let a man do and it's this, you can not cum on my face, or for that matter anywhere on me. You can cum in me, but not on me. What's it all about? Clue a girl in.

My ex, on our first date, I was giving him a hand job, dick right in my face, and he said, "I can't cum in your face can I?"
I totally broke character and said in a very strong, but low voice, not if you ever want to see me again. Needless to say, he didn't cum in my face.

...disclaimer: when I say this is the only thing, I am going on the assumption that you all know I am not talking about water sports, some sort of freaky ass bondage (some bandage is ok, just not freaky ass bondage, too much pressure. I'd probably forget my "safe" word. It would turn ugly. I would be telling him to stop, only that would mean keep going and I would be pissed and he would be all hot and bothered. I would then have to smack the shit out of him)anything where either person is in pain or being hurt, humiliated ect, or anything else I can't think of at this time.

...please men, answer this riddle, what's it all about?

and to all a good night

Stoli and Jager.
That was me yesterday and today.
As soon as I showed up to my parent's last night it was announced that the bartender was here and I started pouring.
My oldest brother received a bottle of Jager I said, let's break it open. We did. We toasted. It was gooooddd.
Presents were torn open, I was happy. (I really only wanted another bookshelf because my apartment is being over-run by books and magazines stacked everywhere.) (see, I'm a dork)(I got this, I am happy)
Today when I showed up at my brother and sister-in-laws place it was again announced that the bartender was here. (Perhaps I need a to make a career move) We had a plethera of food. Seriously, it was disgusting in the most glorious of ways. We even had a goose. Yeah, a Christmas goose. It was very 19th Century Victorian. (I thought it tasted like liver, blech)
Anyway, I'm telling you guys, alcohol. It's the key.
Next year I say, let's all meet somewhere and get drunk and well, I'm sure we can all think of something to do after. I guarantee the holidays will be much more enjoyable, tolerable and memorable.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

single and the holidays

Well I'm gonna be un-PC like and tell everyone Merry Christmas and to my Jewish readers, Happy Hanukkah. (I hope the government doesn't come after me)
Honestly,after reading everyone's post about the holidays and how they feel about them and after listening to my co-workers, friends and family bitch, moan and complain about the stress, fatigue, and money spent on the holidays, seriously, why do we do it? Every year why do we put ourselves through this stress and torment?
For me, I am the only single person in my family. I have a step-sister who is divorced (so shes been there done that, therefore she is considered safe) and a younger brother who is too young to be married. Me? I am the only daughter and in my 30's child free and with no wedding anywhere in the future. My mom can't take it.
I don't tell her when I am dating someone because she goes into full fantasy mode. I certainly don't tell her his name. Then she goes into super fantasy mode. And forget about mentioning money and a good job. I can see the fantasies and the twinkle in her eye as I type, along with the far off gaze.
Mom wants me married and with babe in arm.
I want to be happy and in an exclusive relationship. I really, really (really) don't want kids and I really don't think I want to be married either. I want a permanent boyfriend. A living in sin with the comment, but not the ceremony partner for life.
So I will be the single girl at the holiday festivities today and tomorrow. Everyone will look at me with saddness. Tomorrow my dad will reference the guy I was seeing over the spring and fall and who I stopped seeing in early November. I will have to tell him this. (yeah, that's how much we talk and see each other) He will ask why. I will want to drop the subject. Because again, I am single and I just think there are more important things to talk about that my dating life and non-babydom at family functions. (I have apparently been proven wrong on this on many occasion.)
However, I am getting off the subject.
Back to the holidays.
This is my idea, everyone boycott tradition and start our new holiday traditions.
We did this for Thanksgiving. Mom wanted a low-key, stress free holiday and that's what we got. I showed up to start cooking, I set up the bar and once everything was in the oven I was the bartender and the Master Baster of the turkey. The bird refused to pop therefore we were 3 hours off from the start to eat by time. Therefore, the marshmellows on the sweet potatoes liquified, the corn casserole was burnt, the stuffing was cooked to perfection and the green bean casserole was soggy. When the bird finally did pop it was heaven and we were all drunk and happy so no one cared about the rest of the meal. Total perfection and we swore to do it every year from now on including all major holidays.
So, tonight Santa comes (magically while we are all out of the room) we get stockings and presents. Tonight I am to play bartender again and I don't know what I will be the master of (oh, where is my Seinfeld reference guide?)
I think if we just throw alcohol into any situation it simply makes life better. Don't you agree?
Happy Holidays everyone! (opps, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah) (how come it's Merry Christmas and not Happy Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and not Merry Hanukkah. Wait, is Merry like Mary? Is it a Jesus thing?) (anyway, happy, Merry Christmas and Hanukkah.) Oh, and Kwanza if you do that to.) (no wonder it's become Happy Holidays)

Friday, December 23, 2005

I would make a lousy lesbian

Mainly because I love men. I love women and all they have to offer, we're soft and sexy and fun to play with, but give me a man.
Men are hard, soft, strong, vulnerable, loveable, protectors, simple (in the best way). Men are either two things; hungry or horny. If he ain't having sex, then he needs a sandwich.
However, my main point of why I couldn't be a lesbian is basically because women, for the most part, get on my nerves.
Now, again, I love women. I am a woman, (duh) however, I am about to put down my own kind so women readers be warned.
Now, just in my list of womenfolk friends I have the wife who is cheating on her husband. I also found out she has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had. When asked if I need to phsycho analyze her, she said maybe.

The friend who doesn't want to sleep with her husband. (actually I have many of these,(which, I simply don't understand) but this one in particular only wants to have sex so she can get pregnant again. He doesn't want a third child because she passed out and coded after her second child. She wants to take the risk, he doesn't. No sex.)

The woman who became pregnant shortly into the relationship (3 months into) they now hate each other and she is stuck. (the child is almost 3 years old) Even though I have offered to help her out and get her out of the relationship, still she stays. He is verbally, mentally, financially (he witholds money from her and didn't pay the mortgage and didn't tell her until they were in foreclosure) and recently (accidently...?) broke her ribs. He hates me because I am a strong female and I think he is an ass. Therefore, we are basically no longer friends.

The friend who married her husband when she was 20 (8 years ago) even though she didn't want to, but he made her feel guilty so she did. When asked if she loves him she told me he is a good guy. (o-kay)

The woman who was fantastic and amazing until she married and became pregnant and then turned into a phsycotic weirdo, yet I was the one with the problem.

Another wife is willing to put up with being ignored and being alone even though her husband has the best of both worlds, a wife at home and all the benefits of being single because he has total feedom. Why? Because she is scared to death of being alone.

This is just a quick summary and the top few who come to mind. We are such strong and amazing creatures, yet why do we do the things we do? We settle. We nag (which I have a ton to say about this. I really don't get it) We withold sex (again, a ton to say about this. I have never done this. I want to get laid just as much as he does.) (maybe more)
We sabotage ourselves and then wonder why things don't workout. We cheat and play games and wonder why were alone. We whine and complain (again, A LOT to say about this in another post) We are critical of ourselves and wonder why no one loves us, well maybe because we need to love ourselves first.
Obviously, I get along with men better than woman. I have more male friends than female friends. Now, I love women. Again, this isn't a put down on females, I just happen to get along better with men. I think mainly because I just don't understand why women do what they do. Say what they say. Or think how they think. Gossip the way they gossip. I don't sit around and fret over the fact that he didn't call. Why? Because if he doesn't call, I actually pick up the phone and call him. I don't fill in the holes of the conversation, I actually ask the questions so not to have any holes in it. I like being postitive over being negative. I guess I am just me. Love me or don't, I'm still gonna be me.
Maybe I'm not complicated enough.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

telling victoria's secret

That's how much I spent today on 9 pairs of panties.
That was 9 panties that were on sale.
3 boyshorts
3 thongs
3 hiphugger boyshorts
Now, I love feeling sexy and knowing that I have something sexy and pretty on under my clothes and no one is the wiser. At work, running errands, shleeping around town or simply in my apartment. I don't buy them for anyone else. Necessarily.
However, I'm not kidding myself. I certainly wear something extra sexy for the man in my life. (whoever he may be at the time)
But, do men even notice? Care?
I've dated men who didn't even seem to notice what kind of panties I had on. They noticed that my boobs were popping out of my shirt, but panties, um yeah.
I've dated men who insisted that I wear panties. Sexy, naughty, pretty, slutty. they didn't care. Their only request were no granny panites. Seeing as how I don't own any that was an easy request to grant. When they would undress me and see what I had on under my skirt or pants, oh boy, were they appreciative. Because I did this they were very happy (and hard) and because they were hard and happy it would turn me on even more. (it's a sexy something to say, "well hello there. How you doin?")
I've dated men who secretly loved it when I went commando when I wore I short skirt. Honestly, this is my favorite. I have on a short skirt and no one knows that I am bareassed underneath. The guy doesn't know until he goes up my skirt sometime at the bar, during dinner, or when we get home. Mmmm, nice surprise. I also think it says, "yeah, I knew I'd be getting laid by the end of the night."

Here's my question. Do men really care, notice or even pay attention to what is going to be ripped off and rolled into a ball on the floor in mere seconds? If not then why spend the money or take the time to coordinate the matching set for anyone other than ourselves.
Oh wait, I guess I do wear my sexy little things for myself everyday regardless. However, when I know I am going to be seeing my man and at some point in the day/evening the pretty little things are going to end up in a ball on the floor, well I guess the $101.75 makes it all worth while.
(I have such a devilish little grin on my face with a gleam in my eye right now)

cheesy pick up line #4

Just in time for the holidays:

That dress is very becoming. Of course, if I was on you I'd be cuming too.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

oh, super duper more christmas cookies, yah.

I think it's just natural that during this time of year with the holidays, the nose burning booger freezing weather that whether we really are or not, we (I) feel like I am gaining 10 pounds every minute. (second)
First of all, I am single. I live alone. Stop giving me 56 to eat, enjoy, and then feel like barfing up and where I can actually feel my face break-out as I am eating them, sugar cookies.
This also goes for: mint bars, gingerbread men, (rocking horses or variations thereof.) party mix (seriously, salty, worshersire coated, baked cereal? No thanks, keep it. I like my cereal with milk, thanks.) Raspberry butter cookies. (can they be two things?) Brownie Mounds. (Ok, actaully. Give me as many of these as you want to, cause they're my favorite. Little mounds of chocolately chewy brownie goodness) Brown-eyed susans. These will be immediately thrown away as soon as I get home. Seriously, even the Hershey's Kiss will be sacraficed to the garbage. Pumpkin bread, zuccini bread, banana bread. (any and all kinds of bread. Bread is my weakness and I don't need this many fruits and vegtables to choose from when it comes to something to put butter on. Or hell, who am I kidding, just eat.)
Now, I am glad my friends, family and others feel so highly of me and love me and want to feed me. But seriously. I do not, do not, need 286 cookies from each and every person I know. I don't need the temptation. I no longer binge, but forget to purge. Emotional eating is in check. I don't need the winter hybernation padding. I stopped smoking pot in my early 20's. If I was still smoking pot, trust me bring on the sugar cookies. And milk. Cotton mouth and all.
I already spend an hour on the cross-trainer and 20 minutes lifting free-weights. I don't have the time or energy to do any more.
So, please. I beg of you. I plead with you. Stop feeding the single gal. If you want to make her happy take her out for a cocktail. She will love and bless you (and remember you) forever.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

inner dork #2

Did you know that the term, 'bucks' slang to refer to money, comes from buck skins? This goes back to colonial days when traders would come with their skins and they would be asked how many bucks (skins) and they then would be paid depending on the amount of bucks skins they had.

hey, there's a beaver in your pants

Will made me think of something from his comment on my last post and that is, the importance of shaving. As a woman I say, please for the love of god, shave, trim, wax, do whatever you need to do, but please get rid of it, or at the very least, trim it please.
Hairy balls, mmmm, yeah not tasty.
I love sucking on balls, licking balls, deep throating a guy and just in general sucking dick. (Oh, and I tried the whole blowing thing,(previous post) I was told to stop and just do what I always do. Lots of tongue, saliva, lips, hands, no teeth and well, they always seem well satisfied. Actually, I'm told, "OH-MY-GOD-You know how to suck dick." I'm pretty sure that's a huge compliment and well, I'm gonna take it)
But, I digress. Back to the subject at hand. Shave.
I promise you, you will appear to be at least 2 inches bigger.
She will deep throat longer and willingly.
She will suck your balls without having to stop to pick the hair out of her teeth.
She will secretly love it. LOVE IT.
If you don't shave, please start to do
If you have already caught onto how vitally important this is to your head receiving, please do a PSA and pass it on to all your friends.
I know my female readers will back me up on this. If there are any gay male readers, trust me they will back me up on this. (trust me)

Now, as for the woman. I prefer to be completely free of hair. Hello, Brazil. But, maybe there are those who prefer to dig around. So I ask, would you rather go to Brazil and be where it's all soft and warm and bask in the glow of the vagina all nice and free of the rainforest.
Do you prefer the natural environmentalist look? We're talking granola, tree hugging, totting a bottle of water on a should strap with hikeing boots, all natural-al, hairy.
OR, there is the ever popular landing strip, Hitler and variations inbetween.
But, again so I'm clear on the men: Shave, trim that shit up, get rid of it. Thank you. (I speak for all women, thank you, thank you, thank you) Let the ball suckin and deep throating begin!

Monday, December 19, 2005

you mean they're articles in those magazines?

Imagine my surprise when I kept hearing men comment on the great articles featured in every months issue of Playboy. I have to say, I subscribe and I have never, (not once) have I ever read any of these articles. Never. I read the jokes, (I've even used a few of them on men and I look at them to see if they have already heard it) I look at the pretty pictures, I might glance at the articles to see if there is anything I might care to read, but nope, can't say as I ever have read any of the articles. I started to read the article in lst months issue about Marilyn Monroe, I read part of it and I might go back to finish it. (I plan to copy shop one of her pictures from the spread and frame it up in my apartment)I however, read it for the pictures. (huh?)
Now, this being said, I have to say. Although I think the women are beautiful, I find their fake boobes and fake blonde hair (typically fake hair, always fake boobs) annoying. Their profiles are hilarious (I actually do read these) and could be copied and pasted from month to month. Their handwriting resembles mine in 7th grade. So, why do I keep subsribing? Well, it's only $12.00 a year (cheap-o-rama) and I like looking at naked women. Nuff said.

Friday, December 16, 2005

um, yeah. you stink

Ok, there is an art to the walk and fart. You have to make sure there isn't anyone behind you, or going to be behind you until the smell disappears.

You don't do it in doorways because you never know when someone is going to round a corner and get a big face full of your fart.

You don't do it by someones desk. Um, hello I know it was you who just walked by my desk and now it stinks.

You don't stand and fart. I can not only hear it, but I can smell it as well.

I don't want a big face full of fart. Or a mouth full (yeah, nothing like eating a fart. Jesus Christ.)

It's not science people. Its an art.

(can you guess what I just ran into? Huh, huh can you?)

and that's why it pays to be nice

Ok, so for the second time a floppy disk of mine was wiped out and reformated so that all of my personal essays that I hope to one day become a famous writer from, were deleted. (Please, don't lecture me about how outdated floppies are.)
So, for the second time I went to the IT guys, this time in a much calmer way than I did the first time several weeks ago because I now how my shit backed up in several places, (shit meaning essays, not my actual shit) to see why this keeps happening.
They explained.
I listened.
They then asked if I wanted them to retrive it. (again)
Really? You would do that for me again?
Sure. It's not a problem.
You're awesome! Total rock star!
The last time this happened I was calmly freaking out. (I actually was quite calm considering. I was getting ready to submit some of my essays and poop, all gone. Every single one of them.) They didn't have the software to retrive my info. They bought the software to do so. Now, maybe this isn't a big deal, but it was a huge freakin deal to me. HUGE. They easily spent 8 hours altogether trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it and finding the software to do so. (last time my disk was reformated to a MAC. No, I have no idea how or why)
This time it only took about 10-15 minutes. Still a huge (HUGE) deal to me. They could tell me to screw off. It's my personal stuff and obviously I am an idiot when it comes to computers.
I thanked them over and over and several more times. I gave them a gold star.

Now, I think they do this for me because: I am kind, and nice, and smile and I know all of their names. When they walk by my desk I smile every single time and say good morning and good afternoon and good night. I make jokes, I make them laugh. I am nice. I am kind. I am a friendly smiling face in their day of bullshit dealing with bullshitty people all day long. So, I am going to toot my own horn and say, be nice. It pays. You never know when that nerdy, quite guy in the gloomy office just might save your ass. (note to the IT guys, not saying you're a nerd, but the guys where I work, yeah pretty much.) (did I mention I love nerds?)

thought of the day

Do you ever look at those crotchity old, nagging, bitchy, whiney, people you work with and think, "If you just got laid you would be so much more pleasant to be around."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

thought of the day

Proving I waste too much time at work:

Why is a vagina called a beaver? I'm not hairy and I don't bite. (unless provoked and then it's on)

A blowjob called a blow job. There is no blowing going on. (unless I've been doing it wrong, which I've been told I'm not, but if I am, please someone tell me now. I want to correct this as soon as possible.)

Motherfucker, why isn't it fatherfucker?

Son of a bitch, why not daughter of a bitch?

An erection called a Johnson? Seriously, why not Smithie, Douglass, Eric?

A penis called a penis. Could it be called a more pathetic and whiney sounding name? It really should be called something more manly. At the very least something like, Penissourus Rex. See, so manly. Although right now I have an image of a giant green penis running after me with its short little arms hunting me down trying to eat me with its raxor like teeth. I need to work on that one.

....image out of my head...image out of my head...

well, that's just sad

A friend of mine told me now that she is married she no longer gives blow jobs. I thought, "really? well, that's just sad."
Not to mention false advertising. I don't know maybe she is bad at it and he's thankful she won't do it. Maybe she uses teeth (like, what the fuck is that about? I mean jesus, nothing like taking a razor to flesh.)

...and I don't wanna stop giving blow jobs. There one of my favorite things.

cheesy pick up line #3

I actually made this one up last night while trying to fall asleep. I think it short, sweet, crude and completely to the point.

Him: Do you know what time it is?

Her: Time for you to eat me out. (have sex with me, let me drop to my knees) you get the pitcture, er idea.

What do you think? My first completely made up chessy pick up line. Ok, I was exhausted at the time, but I think it's pretty clever.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

inner dork #1

I truly believe we all have an inner dork. Some people also have an outter dork. The inner dork can't stand it and it must be released and it shows. We all know these people. The total dweebie. Mine is safely tucked inside. I am however, choseing to share it with all of you. And yes, you should feel special.

My inner dork is trivia. Anything trivia, useless and serves no other purpose than to allow me to start a sentence with the phrase, "Did you know..." trivia, I am all over it.
Good useless information. Things that would make me a great contestant on Jeopardy, but really serves no other purpose.

So, this will be a weekly feature also. I know, I'm excited too.

Did you know that there are exactly 216 noodles in every can of Campbell's Chicken Noddle Soup. If there is one more or one less it is automatically kicked off the assembly line.
Also, the soup isn't cooked until it's sealed in the can.

...pass it on, amuse your friends and impress your dates. I suggest using it when they are drunk, getting drunk or at the very least have a beverage in their hand. Oh, yeah, it'll make you look smart. Your getting laid ratio just increased immensly.
No need to thank me. Your entirely welcome.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

with three hours of sleep and a smile on my face

here is a little something non-sexual about me, I work full time and I go to night school full time working towards my B.A. (wow, that was a big step.)
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
So, there is this man in my class who I found mildly attractive, but I thought he was married, so no dish.
Turns out I was wrong.
He asks if I want to go for a drink after our classes.
Yep. (always)
So he meets me at the local watering hole and we are sitting up at the bar.
I'm not sure where this is going with him so I am playing it cool. Not being too flirty ect.
But, he is making all the right moves.
Doing just enough touching, being just the right amount of flirty to give me a sign and clue, that hey, he's interested.
Plus, he is buying me drinks left and right. (thank you)
AND he is giving me the total mind fuck. Totally giving me conversation. Total brain stimulation. Completely interested in me and completely engaged in what I am saying. (AHHHHHH, so hot!)
So things progress in a fun flirty totally inappropriate way in front of the bartender kind of way and if I was him I would have said, 'Ah yeah, get a room." (but admit it. You and he like to watch in a voyeristic you ain't getting any kinda way)
Finally we decide we need to go out to his car and make out like teenagers.
So we find a somewhat secluded spot and that's what we do. Only we also had sex. Opps.
Hot guy in my class sex. I have a feeling (ok, I am really hoping) that this is a reoccurring theme with him. (and honestly, I would really like it to go somewhere.) (Which, I'm sure you're saying, um, yeah, you slept with him, good luck with that. But actually I think this has potential. If nothing else he is a keeper on the mind fuck front.)
AND he totally appreciates the mind fuck. Totally gets it.
Ok, so I need a name for him. ...yeah I'm not coming up with one. I will get back to you.

Monday, December 12, 2005

picaso I ain't

or maybe I am. This weekend due to the weather and also lack of fundage I stayed inside
and I was a good little girl. I actually worked on some paintings. I can't draw worth a darn so
all of work is abstract. Anyway, I don't know if it was because I was watching "Real Sex" on HBO or if it's just what every artist eventually does, but I ended up painting some vaginas. Yep, three of them. Couldn't help myself. And no, they're not self-portraits. At least I don't think so. Maybe I should get out my hand mirror.
As I was painting them I was very focused and all intense about it. Kinda hot and horny as well.
Again, could have been "Real Sex" on the television. Don't know. So, that was my contribution to the art world this weekend. Three vagina paintings.How come no one ever paints penises?
Except for the plaster caster gals, never seen one penis painting. Well, of course there are phallus symbols all over the place. Maybe that's the penis contribution to the world. They are in the everyday all over the place.

Sunday, December 11, 2005


So, my friend who is thinking about (going to, maybe already has) having an affair on her husband has been weighing heavily on my mind. Not so much her situation in particular, more just cheating spouses/couples in general. As a single gal I see it, hear it, and am asked to join in it, far, far too often.

I think what is bothering me about my friend is the fact that she doesn't have any guilt about what she is doing. Which, that's on her. What is getting me about the situation is that what we do today will have ramifications for years down the line, possibly for a lifetime. And I don't think I am being dramatic about this either.

My dad cheated on my mom, which is ultimately what led to their divorce, which was a wonderful thing and which needed to happen. However, still affects her, even though she has remarried, and it still affects me. The divorce was over 15 years ago. Half my lifetime now.
I've been cheated on by three boyfriends that I know about. (there would be a key phrase in there, did you catch it?) Still affects me. I'm basically waiting to be disappointed by the person I am dating and I haven't been in a relationship for years. (years) I am all about dating. I am a serial dater. Wow. one step down, eleven more to go. However, I was left with and sometimes still wonder what I did wrong to be cheated on. The truth is I didn't do anything wrong. I know this. But, I've been left wondering. I was (am) a great girlfriend. I don't bitch, I don't whine, I don't nag. I never say, I'm too tired, I have a headache. I always will want sex. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But, I am still left wondering.
With the whole internet dating thing, I was on one normal or traditional site and then for shits and giggles and out of shear boredom when I broke my leg/foot/ and ankle (hey, I believe in doing something right)I joined an adult site. The same men who are on the traditional site are also on the adult site. Which makes me wonder what is it they are really looking for?
This leads into the amount of married men and women who are on the adult site looking to cheat on their spouses. They always had something in their profile about their spouse not giving them what they need sexually, or they're bored, or lonely, pissed off, and on and on and on. Not my problem. I finally had to put in my profile not to contact me if you're married. I can't deal with it and bad karma isn't what I need. What happened to communication?
I am so disgusted right now...
Why do people think sex is going to solve whatever it is that is wrong with their relationship? All it's going to do is break the other person and ruin your life in some way. Trust? Gone. Finding a new realtionship? Going to be tough. The other person will be bitter and you will have to (eventually) admit that you cheated. Or when that starts to back fire on you then you will start to lie about why the realtionship ended. You will always be the person who cheated or who was cheated on. Always.
For me, I cheated once. I was 16, in high school and cheated on my really shitty boyfriend with his best friend. The best friend made all the first moves and I just went along with it because I didn't care.
Immediately (no exaggeration) Immediately following the whole cheating episode, on my way home I was in a very serious car accident. Seriosuly, less than five minutes later. I rolled my car 3 times landed upside down in a corn field in the middle of BFE. My neighbor appeared out of nowhere (literally. I was in the middle of smalltown, farmland, nowhere and he appeared and basically rescued me. Cue the music) and ripped me from the car. I was in the backseat, upside down, and trapped inside. I absolutely should have died. The only reason I survived is because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. This was the one and only time in my entire life (since it became a law) that I didn't have a seatbelt on. I should have been decapitated. Instead I was left with serious bruises, no car, the police at my mom's door at 2:30 in the morning (by the time I got home and such) a pissed off boyfriend and a conscience that will never allow me to cheat or think about cheating on anyone ever again.
I was 16. I had a shitty boyfriend who cheated on me all the time. Doesn't matter. I still don't feel great about what I did. There is still a tiny bit of shame and guilt associated with it. Could be because of the whole car and should have died part, but still.
Cheating, results in bad karma all the way around.
That's the end of today's lesson. Pass it on.

..also to clarify, to me cheating can be: kissing, sex, foreplay, shareing intimate thoughts, feelings, emotions trusting someone else with things you should be doing and saying with your partner. The men who cheated on me did all the above then some and a little bit more.

Friday, December 09, 2005

like a little heartbeat

I don't know if it was my list or what, but my god I was horny as hell and throbbing all day. ALL DAY. It was a little (huge) heart beat in my fun parts all day long. (all day)
Maybe it was my panties rubbing against my fun parts all day. (cause I discovered they were more the, just for looks and are only on for no longer than to look at and rip off, not so much to wear all day) (pretty and sexy though) I don't know. All I know is that I was at work and really wanted to get home. (needed to get home)

...throbbing is to women as an erection is to men. It must be (needs to be) taken care of. (I wonder if that is on any SAT tests)

sex in the everyday

I can find everyday things to be very sexy. I can find sex in the everyday. Some are obvious, other not so much.

I use to think the sexiest thing in the world was to catch a glimmer of a man's boxer shorts over the top of his jeans. Just enough to see what color/patteren they were. nothing more than a couple hair widths of a glimmer. Then the whole fashion trend of pants around a man's knees started. ruined the whole thing.

Candles melting/burning. To be in a room filled with only candlelight...mmm nice.

Moonlight. Enough said.

Full moon on a cloudless night.

Smells: the smell of cinnamon, vanilla or a faint scent (ever so faint) of a really nice cologne

A nice tailored suit.

Boxing. I love boxing. So primal. so sweaty. so hot. so wet.

music: either being in a dance club (gay dance club) with a great DJ and a heavy beat. God, you can smell the sex. If a man loves the old standards as much as I do, then you've got me. Sinatra, Billie, Ella, Tony..and on and on..

humor. A man's gotta make me laugh. Have a witty come back, sarcasm (but not biting or mean) and get my humor (which is witty and sarcastic) gotta keep me laughing then we can get through anything.

A woman in a great pair of pants. Where they are snug against her ass.

Confidence, but not cockiness. Very sexy.

Teeth, lips and eyebrows. Some people are into asses, legs, arms. Me? it's lips, teeth and eyebrows. The teeth should be some shade of white. The lips, nice and full or a nice combo with the teeth. Eyebrows, there should be two. They are divorced and not speaking to one another. At the very least they are seperated.

white cotton sheets. Especially after sex and you're both naked and lieing together half covered and talking.

conversation. This is huge. If you can give me the mind fuck then forget about the other stuff it can be worked out. Give me conversation. (see previous post: true intimacy)

last phone call of the day. (see the above, conversation) where you're lieing in bed talking for hours on the phone and learning about each other

a great meal.

a sexy bra and panties. Especially when I'm the only one who knows what I have on under my work clothes.

rain/thunderstorm. the smell of an approaching thunderstorm. Being caught in the rain.

summer. all hot and sweaty. the air is thick with humidity.

great shoes

having a man lay between my legs and wrapping my legs around him. (now I'm sure you all have another visual, but I am actually refering to when we are in bed or on a couch and not facing one another and his back is resting against my chest and I have him wrapped up between my legs and I am rubbing/playing with his head/hair

I sometimes wear a pair of thick black glasses which I've been told are very sexy. (go figure) think secretary fantasy or intellectual girl

touching. When a person isn't afraid to show affection and receive affection in public or otherwise. Sitting at a bar and touching my leg ect.

intelligence. being well read. great conversationalist. (told you it was a biggie) great at debating (not argueing)

when I am so connected with someone that there can be a room full of people, but neither one of us are aware of anyone else, but each other. There is no one else, but us. So very hot and sexy.

...ok I gotta stop. I'm getting myself all hot and bothered and I'm throbbing. I'm sure I'll have more later, but for now I have to stop.
....tell me yours

Thursday, December 08, 2005

random q and a

I have a crap load of schtuff I should be doing. Instead I am doing this.
Enjoy and feel free to tell me yours. It's kinda like playing doctor as kids. I'll show you mine if...or like playing doctor now. You know, if you're into that.

Breakfast cereal that best represents my personlity:

fruity pebbles. It's colorful and fruity and makes your milk taste good.

Sex and the City Character you're most like:

Carrie. I have a serious shoe addiction. I have my own sense of style and I am the eternal optimist. When I see a situation that isn't working I am moving on. But, I will always talk to an ex and I won't harbor any ill will or bad karma their way.
I am like Samantha in my attitude, honesty and openness about sex. Buuuttt, I don't sleep around nearly as much as her. (damn)

Ever done drugs?


Still do drugs?

Very, very (very) rarely. And nothing more than pot. I mean seriosuly, I'm in my 30's. I'm old enough to be past it.

Hangover cure?

Greasy drive thru. Hamburger, fries, pop. Works like a charm everytime.

Ever been arrested?


Currently have a crush on someone?


Favorite sleeping postion:

On my stomach.

Favorite sexual postion.

On top. Always some postion where I am on top. I have complete control. Ah, the power.

Favorite beverage.

Water. Tons of water everyday. Of an alcoholic nature, vodka and cranberry juice.

A perfect random weekend how would I spend it?

In the summer: working on my tan while reading a book. Dinner with friends then out to the bars, grab a slice afterwards try to find an after hours and home around 4-5 a.m.
In the winter: shopping, lunch/dinner with friends out to the bar, grab a slice, try to find an after hours and home around 4-5 a.m. (notice a pattern?)

Made out with a stranger?

Well, I might have know their name at the time I was making out with them. Might not remember it while making out. But, at some point I did know their name. Probably. More than likely. I make no gaurantees.

Had sex with a stranger?

See the aformentioned make-out answer.

Thrown-up in a bar?

Absolutely not. That behavior is reserved for when I get home.

Slept with a girl?

Oh yeah. and there is never any sleeping going on.

Best time to kiss someone on a first date:

Spontaniously and not at the end of the date. Do it sometime before then otherwise it is too planned and too much pressure.

Funniest sex I've had?

In a small town during the summer on the hood of my Mustang and got caught by the cops. Yep, flood lights right on us. We didn't hear a thing. Who knows how long he had been there. He was nice enough to leave the flood lights on us while he allowed us to get dressed before asking for our ID's. I'm sure the videotape made the rounds of the police station as well.

Oral sex. Better to give or receive?

I am a giver. I am also a taker. I absolutely love both. For me it's all about the tongue and the sucking ability. and duration. always make it last longer. please. oh please. make it last longer.

Naughty dirty girl or good girl?

Good naughty dirty girl. Naughty dirty girl. And fun, always good and fun.

Does size matter?

Only in terms of girth.


Always. And no matter how long it is, it always needs to be longer. (the foreplay that is)

My sweet spot.

Is my back. My lower back right above my hips and my ass. Come around slightly onto my hip and you've got me. You've got me good.


Totally unnecessary on me.


A whole box full. A girl needs variety.


Someone once told me they came three times and it was awesome. I thought, really just three times? Seriously it should be double figure.

Dress up/roll play character:

Catholic schoolgirl. I even bring props. Like a note from the teacher telling me how I should be disciplined.

Ok, that's all I got for now.

cheesy pick up line #2

Since the last one was such a big hit this will be a weekly feature. Or at least until I run out of them.

The word for the day is legs. Let go back to my place and spread the word.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

fashion statement

...way too fun. Safe and fashionable. I wonder what kind of shoes I'd wear? Probably a pair of rubbers.

growing up and facing reality

I was hitting other blogs a couple of days ago and read a post by a gal who was talking about the movie, "Reality Bites" (I am really sorry that I don't have a link to this blog as I don't recall which one it was. I really do need to pay attention better.)
Anyway, she was saying how when the movie came out she was in junior high and how cool she thought the whole grown-up reality thing was. Well, now she is grown up and she is discovering that this is her reality and well, it's starting to bite.
This got me to thinking about my own movie.
I realized when I was about 22-ish that "St. Elmo'S Fire" wasn't as cool in my twenties as it had been when I was a pre-teen. Why? Cause you eventually have to leave college, grow-up, and get a job. More than likely a Corporate America soul sucking job which will suck away your identity and force you to stay there because of the money and benefits. (or, you eventually do what I did and leave the CA job and take a huge (huge) pay cut, but get your soul back. And I am actually able to get my ass out of bed in the morning without counting to see when the last sick day I took was to see if I am going to get written up. Again.)
You can't go out like you use to. Oh, you can pretend to. You can act like you can still stay out all night and go to work the next day, but it ain't pretty. And you are tired. And it is written all over your face.
Eventually your friends will leave, move on.
The relationships will end that you thought never would.
The crowd at your favorite hang-out will change. Or close down. Or the bar will change.
Things change. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not so much.
So, "St. Elmo's Fire" is my movie. What's yours?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

well, duh

You are the Greek goddess Aphrodite, also known as
Venus to the Romans. You are the goddess of
love, lust, desire and fertility. You have been
called the most beautiful of goddesses and
undoubtedly the most desirable. But you are
also known for your hot temper, and the ease
with which you grow jealous of women that
profess to be more beautiful than you. You also
own a special girdle which has the power to
drive men insane with desire. Since you were
born of the sea, from which you came to land
riding on a scallop shell, sea food has been
known as an aphrodisiac.

Which GREEK (or ROMAN) GODDESS are you? (Girls Only)with pictures! in results
brought to you by Quizilla

...I don't have a temper and I'm not really a jealous person, but the rest, pretty much.

double up

I like how the guy rarely brings the condoms. Or they bring one and who knows where it has been stored or for how long.
I am on the pill, but the guy doesn't know this because if they do it always leads into this conversation, "Why do we need a condom then?"
Oh I don't know. Let's see, STD's, pregnancy, HIV, and because I said so.
So, I double up. It's a no brainer.
I don't want an STD.
I really don't want to be pregnant anytime soon or in the forseeable future.
and because it's the smart and responsible thing to do.
The whole double up thing goes for even those times when I have actually been in a relationship.
However, the whole point of this is: why am I responsible for both?
So, I buy and take the pill and I have to buy and bring the condoms. Nice.
Do guys really not have that much forthought?
Please, tell me I am wrong.

Monday, December 05, 2005

no judgment, but...

A friend and I went out for drinks on Friday night and she promised me she had some juicy stories to tell me.
I was all ears.
Well, it turns out she is thinking about having an affair. She is 24 and has been married for 3 years.
Her husband is a great guy, but he is safe and she is bored.
Basically she got married too young and for the wrong reasons.
She needed someone safe and he came along and rescued her.
So, she has made out with Mr. Affair a couple of times and we are both pretty sure that the next time will be sex.
She is excited.
She has no guilt.
She sees the no guilt as a sign.
She is also staying in the marriage for financial reasons.
So, I was her, go to gal because she could be completely honest with me and she knew I wouldn't judge her.
She was right. No judgment.
However, I also pointed out the obvious.
Affairs always end badly. And she doesn't want an affair she wants a fling. She agreed with both.
Would Mr. Affair be happy with just a fling?
Also, her and Mr. Affair work at the same place. Swimming in the company pool is always (always) a bad idea.
Mr. Husband also works at the same place, different department, but same place. Again, very bad.
She agreed with all of this.
However, it is very obvious that she is going to go through with it.
Now, I have done a lot of things in my life, cheating isn't one of them and sleeping with a married man isn't one of them either (at least as far as I know of.god that is depressing)...bad karma all the way around.
Also, a couple hours with someone is never worth the outcome that the couple of hours will inevitably bring.
Forethought and consequences. There are always consequences for everything and an affair has repercussions for years down the road that neither party can see right now.
So, no judgment and I will be there for her in the beginning, the middle and the end, but...

Friday, December 02, 2005

cheesy pick up line

Do you like math?


Well, let's add me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and mulitply.

(you can almost hear the groans can't you?)

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Why is honesty the hardest thing to do with yourself and with each other?
And if you don't think it's hard to be honest with yourself, take a moment to think about it. When was the last time you were really, truly honest with the person stareing back at you in the mirror? It's hard, it can suck.
When you're honest with yourself there's no place to go, no place to hide. when you lie to someone they might sense it, or they might not. When we lie to ourselves, we know it.
I've been told by several people that I am the most honest person they know. This baffeled me until I finally asked someone to break it down for me. They said, that they can ask me anything and I will answer it honestly and openly. Well, yeah.
Oh, not everyone does this. Gotcha.
Again, honesty is hard. It's raw. It's painful. It hurts. It can suck. Many people just keep on living the lie.
do they start to believe the lie and therefore don't think they are lieing? I know some people like this.
do we all eventually become our lies and therefore we created a new self, or we just become who we lied about being?

thought of the day

I find it amuseing when there are two single people who bitch to each other that there aren't any decent single people out there.
I had this conversation with a guy the other day. He says he doesn't want to date right now. Yet, the whole time he was saying this he was also saying that there aren't any girls he wants to date and there aren't any good fits for him out there right now for him to even consider.
I was telling him my frustrations with dating. The fact that the person across from me doesn't know how to have a conversation, they look nothing like their picture on their profile, they presented themselves one way beforet and are a different way within a couple of dates, it's long distance, time, ect. The ususal stuff we all encounter.
Finally, I interrupted the conversation to point out that we are both single and yet we are bitching to each other about what's out there. Um, do you see the irony? He did. But, were not each others type. Too funny.
The singledoom continues........