Thursday, July 31, 2008

just sayin'

I believe life works out the way it is supposed to, not necessarily the way we want it to.

I think this summer I was supposed to (try) and slow down. In (trying) to slow down I have realized a helluvalot of things about myself. I've remembered a crapload of things I've (conveniently) forgotten. I've taken time to breath (although not as much as I would have liked.)I've had way too many epiphanies about myself and why I react and do the things I do. (Eye-opening and mind boggling, really.) and with this new found knowledge I hope to lead a some what (but not totally) different life.

The last few weeks have been an emotional journey of rediscovering me and leaning about who I thought I was.

I have abandonment issues.
Therefore, as soon as I feel someone is going to leave, pull away, or betray be in someway, my brick wall goes sky high. Instantly, goes sky high.
I had no idea I reacted this way, or even more importantly, how quickly I react. As in, the person can still be talking to me.

As such, I've remembered numerous walls that were built and relationships that were never allowed to happen.

As a result of the above, I go into even more of a protective mode in that I also instantly over-schedule myself. I go into "...I'll show them" mode. Meaning, I don't need them, look how busy, popular, loved, and successful I can be without them.

This, in turn, keeps me from really having to deal with the hurt feelings, or being left.
Most importantly, I always, always leave first.
Mr. London left me. He was the first. I do believe this had a HUGE frickin' impact on how I reacted and also with how I didn't react.

Another thing I discovered last night about myself: I tend not to do random acts of kindness. Meaning, I don't like to buy things, give unexpected gifts, go out of my way in a showy way.
The reason, it will go unnoticed and will not be appreciated or the act will not be taken in the way I intended.

Here, would you like an example? Okay. I made (a really fuckingly awesome) painting for Mr. London for his birthday. I mailed it in May and it was delivered on May 22. As of today, I still have not received word that he has received it.
He called me in June to thank him for the e-cards I sent for his birthday, I asked if he received a package, no, but he would let me know the next day, as sometimes things were delivered to the restaurant below him.
So, two snarky emails from me later, and well, apparently he either died or he is seeing someone.
...which would be where my brain goes in situations such as these...
Um, yeah.

So, I am sure there are more, but you know, that's about all I can handle in one blog posting.

Here's to Summers of Possibilities and all the surprises they hold in store.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

inner dork: 10 factoids about me

Yeah, I am being a bit lazy, but honestly, these little inner dorkings about me, they're sort of scary for me. I know, odd.

Anyway, here are 10 (previously unknown) things about me:

Did you know (and no, you didn't)

1) In the summer my toe nails are always painted candy-apple red.
My fingernails are rarely painted and usually go unnoticed by me and grow very long.

2) I was really hoping to work on some of my writing/short stories this summer. However, due to how fast and frantic the summer turned out to be, all I've had time to do is scribble some lines in a pocket-sized notebook I carry with me.

3)I have recently ( as in, just last week) discovered I have serious abandonment issues.
I HATE how hokey and "child of divorce" that sounds, but I have to admit, the issue is very real to me.
I am incorporating this into all of my other issues and I am working on it.

4) As a result of this issue, my guard has been in full-blown brick wall mode for the past three weeks.
I had no idea how fast I go into survival mode. Ah, issues, do they ever go away, or do I just become more aware of them?

5) I wish I had the time, energy, and creativeness to post on this blog everyday like I did in previous times.
I found it to be therapeutic, good writing practice, and great way to find my voice.

What number am I on?

6) I'm scared that I am going to end up living someone else's life.
Finish grad school, move back home until I find a job and stay in home state. As long as I am happy, that's fine, it's the, "not being happy, but my family is happy I am here" thing that scares me. That the sadness my family would keep me from living the life I want to live.

7) I have found that stories just seem to happen to me.
I go out, I mind my own business, before I know it, there is a story to be told somewhere about what happened to me.
Do the stories find me, do I create them, do they just happen?

8) This summer I have spent money like I have it to spend.
Which I do not.
I like to spend my money on going out with friends, going to restaurants, bars. So, basically on food and alcohol.
I've spent a lot of money this summer.
I do not have the money to spend.
August should be interesting when it comes to "so, how am I going to pay rent?"
If I had boundless amounts of cash I would pay of my student loan debt and travel the world as a free spirit. No ties, just go.
Perhaps this says something about me?

9) I go back to Small State U apartment next Friday. I am ready to be home, in my place, in my bed, but I am not ready to be back in Small State U city, nor am I ready to start back to school.
I need a brain break, a school break, a me break.

10) I've learned a lot of lessons this summer. I had no idea about what I didn't know.
I've grown-up, (some, not a lot) I've grown. I've listened, I've learned. There has been way too much needless stress in terms of Brazil, my internship with Grassroots org, (which, even though I resigned, just keeps on coming.) re-taking econ (and oy! that just plain sucked. Let's hope I pass, or there won't be a second year of grad school.) (Yes, this has been a real concern.) However, there has been real joy, accomplishment, and hand-prints left on my heart; with working for the state, working with my special needs students, taking a moment for myself, listening to my inner voice, letting my spirit speak, taking yoga classes, being with my family and many friends many of which I haven't seen in over a year.
The summer of possibilities has been just that, possible.

What about you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

inner dork: I fought the law, and the law won.

Okay, so it's not that I've forgotten about Inner Dork, it's more that I forget it's Thursday.

..and yes, I know it's still Wednesday, but I know I will forget to post it tomorrow. Thus, Inner Dork, Wednesday.

So,, without further ado:

Did you know...

In Kentucky it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket.
(Good to know. I'm guessing it would be a bit messy, mushy, and melty.)

In Athens, Greece a person's drivers license can be taken away if the driver is either "unbathed" or "poorly dressed."
(I think it is best that this law does not pertain to farming communities.)

During the reign of Queen Victoria, in England, it was against the law to be a homosexual, but not a lesbian. The reason? She did not believe a woman would cunnilingus another woman.
(Apparently believing a man would have anal sex with another man imaginable, but women going down on each other, not so much.)

In Hartford, CT it's against the law for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday.
(So, skip the kissing. This law says nothing about sex.)

In the U.K. there is no Act of Parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent.
(Okay, so what was the precedent and how where they murdered?)

In Sweden prostitution is legal, but it is illegal for anyone to use their services.
(Hmmm, how to get around this law... how...)

A British law passed in 1845 made committing suicide a capital offense. Attemptees could be hanged.
(um, slightly counter-productive, no?)

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
(Well, that's simply practical.)

In Michigan it is illegal to put a skunk in your boss's desk.
(Oh, c'mon. That's just a silly law.)

Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.
(well, that seems a bit excessive.)

In Bladworth, Saskatchewan, it is illegal to frown at cows.
(Yes, but what about yelling, "mow cow" when you see one?)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

so a girl walks into a bar

...After work or, volunteering, on Thursday I was feeling so amazingly awesome.
I made a suggestion about adding some items to my project.

They loved the suggeston, great idea, duh, of course, add that and run with it.

*pat on my back*

Leave work feeling amazing.

I walk around downtown and after some light perusing of the shops I went to the local watering establishment.
Saddle myself up to the bar, order a beer, stare at the muted TV, I had no plans to talk to anyone in the bar; I was simply there for a drink.

Two beers later, the guy two stools down and I start to talk. The basis bs banter: what do you do, blah, blah, blah. What do you do, blah, blah, blah.
Long story short: he told me human rights is bullshit, I'm wasting my time, I was talking about some of the stupidest shit he had ever heard of, why do we care about Darfur? (to which I pointed out that we don't care about Darfur because they do not possess any resources that we care to take, thus we are happy to not interfer in their genocide) just let them kill themselves. Somehow Iraq was mentioned, to which I asked if he wanted to debate over a fake war...he told me that white men need human rights protection more than anyone else..I sarcastically said, you mean because of affirmative action?
Oh, I was being sarcastic.

For the record, according to him, women absolutely do not deserve human rights protection, nor minorities, but perhaps, the disabled do.

He was VERY upset and VERY defensive about my life passion, that is apparently stupid-ass-bullshit (good to know.) I told him that I would not continue talking to him if he continued to yell, demean, and belittle me. He also needed to stop yelling. He apologized for making me mad. He did not, nor was he, making me mad. However, I would not be belittled.

He continued to belittle.

Using phrases such as: (human rights deal with) stupidest ass shit, (I am)waste of time, (I was talking about some of the) stupidest fucking things he ever heard of. And then my favorite: affirmative action: denied him acceptance to the first college he ever attended.
Really, affirmative action denied you acceptance to the first college you ever attended? That's amazing.
I asked if he could prove that. (the affirmative action, part)
No, but he also couldn't prove that it wasn't true.
Wow. That's an amazing argument.

This story ends with me telling him I would no longer speak with him, and turning to the muted TV. He continued to try and apologize for making me mad. (I wasn't mad. He was clearly a dumb-ass. I talk to enough dumb-ass people, no need to talk to one in a bar.) I ignored him. He left. I stayed.

I had a lovely conversation with the female bartender and I ordered another beer.

In the course of speaking with her, another gentleman came in and sat down next to me. We had a lovely conversation and as he heard me speaking with the bartender, he told me it would be pretty hard to be against human rights. I told him I was glad to hear he was preserving the human race.

New Guy and I had a nice conversation, but (oh, c'mon, you knew it was coming) when he asked if I went to local private college and I said, no, I go to Small State U, the flicker in his eye went out and I knew the lovely conversation would not lead anywhere.

This leads to the two middle-aged, upper-middle class men at the end of the bar who had been trying to flirt with me all night, but the visible wedding rings and the talking of kids, put an end to that.
However, in the course of me sitting at the bar, ordering, and buying my own drinks, they proceeded to mention what kind of woman comes into a bar by herself.

I'll cut to the chase.

According to them: that women is only there to be picked-up and to have drinks bought for her. "I mean, look at her (my) body language, look how she's dressed..." (stylish, yet conservative. Skirt that hit my knee, no cleavage, dress sweater over my dressy tank-top, hair was pulled up.) "... only a desperate women would be in here by herself..."
This went on and on.
Until I pointed out to them that I paid for my own drinks, and I even turned a drink down from the second gentleman.

..they shut-up.

However, by this point my rock star attitude that I had a mear four hours before when I walked into the bar, was gone by the time I walked out of the bar.

I hate when people have that power. No, I hate when I give people that power.

However, on another note. I've dealt with too many jerks. There's a good man out there somewhere for me, right? Somewhere out there soon, would be even better. Cause, this Party Girl is getting mighty tired of it all.

Also, this isn't the first time I've encountered men who have felt threatened/intimiated by a single woman, alone, in a bar; why? I do not understand this.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

...and now a word from our sponsers

Okay, I have no idea what the title and this post have in common, it just popped into my head.

Basically this is a quick update on what has ben going on.

My best gal is interning with the governor's office and in speaking with the human rights people, they asked her to ask me for my resume. Twice. Maybe even three times they asked, finally I sent it over. Through the magic of Internet email, I was contacted within minutes...yes, minutes of resume receipt, for an interview.

Color me feeling special.
(It's a light shade of pink.)

After a few days of phone tag, I went in for my interview last week and yesterday (Monday) I started my internship with the states Human Rights department.
They mentioned several times how impressed they were with my resume (I tell ya, the next person who tells me this, I am going to ask the to tell me what exactly they find impressive...or maybe I am just bad at tooting my own horn.) So for the next four weeks, 120 hours I will be rewriting, the division that I will be working in, website. The English part, not the computer part.

On the same day that I was called for an interview by human rights, I went back to home city to talk to Small State U's study abroad office, as they offered me an internship as well.
Starting this fall I will be researching all countries visas requirements and putting it into a publication for the school. (appropriate, no?) Yes, I will be published. Sure, it will be boring and dry information, but still.

I really wanted to use the Study Abroad as my internship as 1) it was paid and 2) I could use that as a job and internship and I would not have to find a job this fall.

Of course, my advisor will not let me use it as an internship, so it will be on a volunteer basis. Cause apparently I have copious amounts of time to give.

This leaves the grassroots org that I have been interning with and (not really) been doing research for. I have not wanted to intern with this org since the whole Brazil disaster, but really did not have a choice at the time to get my requirement in...and oh, yeah, all that debt I went into for, I've been continuing to "work" for her. (The air quotes, which I hate, are because I have been researching and sending her things, but the amount of energy I spend pissing and moaning about it, versus the amount of time doing, two different amounts.)

So, I need to tell grassroots that I will no longer be interning with her...only I don't want to. I don't want to tell her, I just want to stop. Yet, I think it is incredibly important for her to know why (ala, bad internship, mislead about Brazil, copious amounts of money lost for nothing) but I also don't want to. Not because I am scared, or a chickenshit, just...I don't care. I don't have the energy to do it. Bad? Maybe, but right now, that's right, I don't care.
I'm resentful, no longer angry, but still resentful. It will pass. It was all for the best and it has all worked out, but still.

For the remainder of July I will be working with my special needs students at former employeer college, running to my internship to get 120 hours in within four weeks, and trying to enjoy my summer of possibilities. The movie going and popcorn munching will slow waaaaaay down henceforth.

Your thoughts?

Update on the summer of possibilities:


Get Smart (wait for DVD)
Kung Fu Panda (loved it, so cute and a great message.)
Wall-E (Wow, what a social commentary for the parents who got suckered in to see it with their kids. Great message, plan to see it again.)
Wanted (Awesome, brainless, spontaneous violent fun, that actually contains a storyline. Oh, and amazing eye candy throughout.)


The Dirt on Clean, an Unsanitized History (bathing habits throughout history)
The Omnivore's Dilemma (Not helping my "I don't like not knowing where my food it coming from, all the hormones injected into my food, and how the hell does Salmonella get into tomatoes?" dilemma, but interesting.)
The Miraculous Adventure of Edward Tulane (a kid's book. Read it in one hour. Want to feel like you accomplished something, read a kid's book.)
100 Ways America is Screwing up the World (really, just 100?)
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down (Poorly written, but cute story)

Currently reading:

The Day of Empire, Rise of the Hyperpower
A Splendid Exchange, How Trade Shaped the World
, a collection of short stories.

I have several story ideas I am working on.

Oh, and I am taking yoga and going for very long walks each day. Both make me feel incredibly powerful. Good for the soul, good for the brain, good for the spirit.

Sorry that there aren't any links, it's getting late, I am lazy, and I need to study for my econ test, which is tomorrow, and get my required 4-6 hours of sleep to repeat what you just read and I just typed.
Good day.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

inner dork: Born on the fourth of July

Wow, have I been bad about posting the inner dorks, or what?

Wow, have I been bad about posting in general, or what? (more about why and what's been going on, later.)

Now, I bring you factoids about the Fourth of July. Ta Da! Exciting!

Did you know...

In July 1776 the number of people living in America was 2.5 million.

In July, 2008 the population will be 304 million.

Although the formal adoption by the Continental Congress of the Declaration of Independence was on July 4, 1776, the signing was not completed until August.

The first observed celebration was on July 8, 1776, in PA.

The Fourth of July was not a legal holiday until 1941.

Uncle Sam first became popular during the War of 1812, when the term appeared on supply containers. However, it wasn't until 1961 that the U. S. Congress adopted him as a national symbol.

(And just to get you ready for the BBQ)
There is a one in four chance that the hot dog or sausage that will be consumed today, came from Iowa. (Hopefully it was packaged before the flood.)

You have been dorked.

Happy Fourth everyone!!!