Thursday, October 30, 2008

inner dork: randomness

EBay was first used as an Internet site to buy and sell Pez dispensers.

Rocky Road ice cream was invented in 1929 to reflect the troubled times ahead.

Next to humans, elephants have the longest lifespan.

John Paul II eliminated the position of Devil's Advocate, which was originally used to argue against sainthood.

Mel Blank, the name of Porky Pig, has the words "That's all folks" written on his gravestone.

JFK, who graduated 64th out of 112 in his high school class, was voted "most likely to succeed."

That's all. It's a short and sweet dorking today. Or, what is a quickie.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

just a quick, hells ya, post

Whoa, what is this with so many posts in so many days. Must. Slow. Down.


The scores for the CBA exam were posted today.

Turns out I passed.

Barely, but I'm counting it.

I friggin passed.

Which means I am still friggin in grad school.

Yep. I had made up my mind that if I did as bad as I was certain that I did, I was dropping the class this weekend/first of next week.

Eh, they're still stuck with me.

Funk is WAY over.

Let's hope it stays that way.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

a new day

So I think I might be out of my funk.



Please god, let it be gone.

I'm still not sleeping that great. And even with 100mg of sleeping pills, I am not always falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Yes, it is nerve racking and irritating, mind numbing, frustrating and any other word you want to add an 'ing' to.

I've figured a lot of things out. Made a lot of connections. Put a lot of things together. Even though it can be heart wrenching, at the same time its incredibly rewarding, amazing, and makes me feel like I'm not nuts. So. Those are good things.

That's it really. My world is in technicolor today. It's pretty cool.

Monday, October 27, 2008

a bright sunny day

So after another brain-knocking-around-in-my-head, therapy session I decided to change my weekend schedule and try to figure some things out.

Friday: a bruise inducing massage session. Pain, gone. Lovely.

Saturday: Movie: "Nick and Nora's Infinite Play List" good movie, don't understand where the title comes from. Followed by a walk around downtown. Some discounted at supply shopping. A long drive on a fall day, a stop into the local bar for two beers and a greasy appetizer. A night in of DVD watching.

I figured some things out about myself, a had decent sleep (Because I bought some maximum strength sleeping pills (50mg) and I discovered last night that I need to take two of them. I don't know if I should be worried or not about that amount. But I am sleeping, so I don't know that I care.

I realized I miss live music in my life. So instead of hanging out with the gang who I cannot stand, and a male in the group who I do not want to be around, I will go to the local live music venue by myself on the weekends and just remember how much music means to me. I know, it sounds simple and probably hokey, but that's where I am at the moment.

That moment would be: trying to figure out who the hell I am, what I want to be when I grow-up, what makes me happy, and what my interests are. Because yeah, as of right now, I have no idea.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

baby steps as big steps and big steps as baby steps

Holy smoke! Two posts in one week, whoa, the insanity!

Okay, so I took the CBA exam. I felt really good about page one. Kicking ass and taking names on page one of the exam.

Then page two came.

It kicked my ass, tore off my head, and spit down my neck and told me I was its bitch.


Page two sucked.

We shall see.

However, on another note:

I just had the most mature break-up in the history of PG break-ups and I was open and honest about what I wanted and how I felt. I know! I'm excited for me too.

Oh, you didn't know I was seeing anyone. Yeah, I know. That's cause I really liked this man and I didn't want to jinx it, so mum on the blog. BUT, I saved him in my phone immediately, shared him with family and friends and was open and honest about the subjects we talked about. (He is also my best gal's cousin, so he came with recommendations.) And I know those things don't seem like big deals, but they are to me. Those things are HUGE to me.

However, he is in home city and I am not. So, long distance, blechy. Plus, I don't have any money, so I cannot go to home city very often. But really, that wasn't the issue. The issue was timing. That horrible awful thing about life that we cannot help or control. You know, because life gets in the way of life and such things like dating.
He is a CPA and went into partnership with some other men last year; however, he and his partner are now leaving the firm and it has not been as simple as it should be. There may or may not be a lawsuit with the other partners. So, he has no cash flow, lots of stress, and lots and lots of stress. This does not leave a lot of time for say, me. First girl he has liked in a really, really long time. And the first girl he has felt this comfortable around, ever. (His words, but I had to share.)

So I asked what he wanted. He told me. (He would like to keep seeing me, but knows it is not possible right now.)

I told him what I wanted. (That I would like to keep seeing him, but I want him to want to see me and have time for me, not to feel like I'm an obligation and someone he has to fit in.)

It was sad calmly, rationally, and he is going to see where he is in a few months. If things are better, he will get back in touch. I left the door open that any time he wants to chat, to feel free and that a few months is a long time and there can be doubt and concern about calling someone after that amount of time, I told him not to worry, to feel free to call me.

Very mature. very big for me. I know I should be sad, but I am so proud of myself I can't stop smiling. (And yes sad. I liked him. I'm tired of this thing called dating. Enough with the interviews with cocktails, let me land the job already.)

Big steps at a baby step size at a time.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

where I've been, where I am hopefully going

Oh, what has happened in the last 20 days or so. And so sorry, had no idea it had been so long since the last post, where does the time go?

On a quick note, "Snow Fall at Night" has shown back-up at my door. It was returned via U.S. postman last week. It only cost me $23.00 to be returned to my hands. Where has it been? London post tried once to deliver it in July and it has been in the post back to me since then, go figure.

School: Yeah, my future will be determined by my mid-term in Cost Benefit Analysis tomorrow. I get it in class, I get it in my notes, but apparently when it comes to my homework and test time, I don't get it. I'm not the only one, I'm just the one who is doing the worst in the class. Not embarrassing at all. So if I don't do well on the mid-term I will be dropping the class which means I will not graduate which means I will be to topic of discussion among my peers. I hate that.

However, as of right now, (I am sure this will change.) I am ready for my fate, whatever it might be. And I am doing the best I can given my mental capacity right now. I am sure, I know, I will be upset if I have to drop the class, but again, I also know I am doing the best I can.

I don't know. I understand that moving to a new place takes time, but gosh, I still do hate it here. I know part of it is the age difference between me and the other students in the program, that and I don't really like most of them. Tolerate, but not like. As in, don't want to spend my time outside of class with them.

The one gal who I do get along with, I feel I rely on her way too much and I'm not comfortable with that. At all.

I haven't been going out because, well, I don't like to go out with the people in the class with me. It take more energy than it is worth. Remember what you were like at 23? Remember how annoying you found it by 30? The median age is 23. I am not 23. Also, that whole self-destructiveness I tend to have. I don't need to add copious amounts of alcohol.

This leads to therapy. I am really happy with my progress, but basically I am trying (wanting) to change a lot of things about me while at the same time realizing that a lot about me is not who or what I thought it was, or the reasons for why I do things are not why I thought I did them. It's been a rough and tough road. You know, not realizing who I am and what I thought was true isn't.

So combine the stress of school, still not sleeping, still feeling like I am in a new place, no family, only one person who I consider a close friend, dealing with 34 years of schtuff, going from perpetually perky and cynical to angry and depressed....yeah, it's been fun. Saturday night was spent in sobs. Good times. In my sobbing state I asked my best gal to come over and to be honest, I don't remember some of what I said, told, but I do know that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with it the next day. I feel vulnerable, isolated, silly (in a bad way), alone, and not at all what I am used to. I know it will change, I know it is a process. No I don't want to go on anti-depressants. That's a large part of the problem, that for all of this I haven't felt anything, didn't allow myself to feel anything. And yes, I need sleep.

So, yeah. That's where I am.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

the artist that is I

...or what I love doing and wish I could do all day while the funding for paints, canvases, and the creativity are flowing altogether. I don't care if you like them, cause I do. (so there.)

This was a birthday present to my Mama in April: "A New Day"

This was the painting sent to London, which was lost in the mail (not bitter) "Snow Falling at Night"

just to show how much painting/texture was on the canvas. (It was pretty damn cool, if I do say.) (And I just did.)

What was before: (Took a lot of time and I hated it.)

What was after four paintings over of what was:...I don't remember the title and I'm too lazy to look behind the painting at the moment. Painted over the painting weekend.

Twister: (also has a lot of texture that is lost in a picture.)

This will a series of three. This is a "morning" painting called "Morning Glory" as in, what's the story...painted as part of the weekend series.

This will be the other two...when I'm happy with them, which is not now.
An afternoon and an evening painting. Part of the painting weekend.

Untitled and I started this in Spring of 2007, finished it this past spring.

"Love Thy Self" painted over the weekend.

"Imprints" or what is my left hand, also, painted over the weekend.

inner dork: contraceptive through the ages

Did you know...

The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom is 12-15,000 years old and the illustration can be seen on a cave in France.
(I would really like to see this illustration. I mean, how is this depiction illustrated?)

The oldest condoms were found in the foundations of Dudley Castle in England. They were made of animal gut and date from 1640.
(Was the sperm that old, or the animal gut?)

Dating from 1850 BCE, in ancient Egypt, recipes for barrier methods of birth control were buried with the dead to prevent unintended pregnancies in the afterlife.
Spermicides included: honey, sodium carbonate, and crocodile dung.
(Can you imagine the croc dung and the aftereffects of using dung as birth control? Say the smell? The ooze?...okay, I'll stop there.)

By 1550 BCE Egyptian women used cotton-lint tampons soaked in the fermented juice of acacia plants to prevent pregnancy.

By the first century, women in India were using rock salt soaked in oil for birth control. Other methods included honey, clarified butter, and palasha tree seeds, as well as elephant dung and water.
(Again with the smell and ooze.)

Casanova takes credit for inventing the diaphragm. He would use the halves of squeezed lemons and place it over the cervix.

However, Greeks used pomegranate halves as diaphragms.
(Take that Casanova.)

Methods used for sponges: tissue paper, beeswax, rubber, wool, pepper (ouch!), seeds, silver, tree roots, rock salt, fruits, vegetables (Hmm, which ones?), and balls of opium (I'm sure it numbed the cervix, or maybe the sperm, but that's probably about it.)

AND finally, Lysol was originally marketed as a vaginal douche to use after intercourse.
(Yes, there was internal damage, infection, and even deaths.)
(Cannot even begin to image the pain and desperation.)

Oh, and 7-UP was also used as a vaginal douche to prevent pregnancy.
(Sweet and bubbly.)

Thank god for the 21 century and the access to information.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

a jumble full of mess

Hmmmm, so much has happened, but no idea where to start.

Therapy is going well. My therapist has the ability to say a word or a sentence that has the power to knock the breath out of me and rattle my brain around in its cage. This is a good thing, just makes for a quiet and introspective rest of my day.

With my last post and the weekend of my migraine and mass painting adventure, I discovered that I never loved myself. Now, had someone pointed that out to me, I would have fought tooth and nail against that claim, but I found it out for myself. Sad, but true. Liked myself a whole lot....or maybe that isn't even true...just didn't love me. I am working on this. I've already made progress in this area.

On a side note: I have self-esteem that I should not have. How I can have high self-esteem without loving myself, don't know, but I do.
I think.

I have slept four nights in a row...and taken a long nap. This is exciting news. (please let this become a trend.)

I'm not sure I will graduate with an MPP degree.
I'm not sure I want to.
I'm not entirely sure I'm supposed to be here.
My therapist thinks I am supposed to be here.
"Here" is college. Grad school more specifically.

Why don't I think I will graduate: Cost-Benefit Analysis. Heavy on the math, heavier on the econ. Not good for PG. Not good at all.
Now, I always did well in my undergrad math classes and here's why: lots and lots of tutoring help. Like, 8 hours a week, help.
But, I also don't know that I want to graduate. I don't want to give-up or quit. No, no, no. I would finish out my two years, but no degree.

I've met with my advisor, talked with the professor of CBA, talked with a few other people and I'm still looking at my options. I've asked what the difference will be between a masters vs no masters, but two years of study towards a masters with almost 20+ years of work experience. No one can seem to answer this question. They all think it's a great question, but no one can seem to answer it. I am still on my pursuit of this information.

Why all of this matters and is making me even more introspective than before: because my therapist said one of her knock the wind out of me comments which was (to paraphrase) that given everything I've been through I might not even know who I really am.



This had already occurred to me over the summer. Little things here and there that I was realizing about little ol me. So given all of the schtuff from the summer, plus this fall, plus me and how I feel towards school, maybe I chose wrong. (Think Indiana Jones when he picks the Holy Grail)

I dunnno.
Just some thoughts going through the head of me.
I'm sure there will be more...many come. (Thoughts, that is.) (Or, thoughts that are.)

In the meantime, I'm having a really hard time caring. Not about life, no, no, no, about school. I really just want to work on me and take care of me. I've put that off for so long and now I'm finally ready to dive head first into all of it and well, there's all that school crap coming into play.

Oh, and given the fact that I hate one of my prof, that is not helping. (He made my best gal cry in his office and I worked up quite the fire in me giving my presentation in front of my peers over my subject matter that I will be writing my research paper on. Something about him rolling his eyes at me and giving me a hard time about the subject (birth control and U.S. Policy 1850-to present) even though everything on the outline is what he told me to include.) Yeah, I was a bit testy and "fiery" to use my peers terms. I.had.taken.enough.shit. I stopped my presentation and asked him why he was rolling his eyes at me. Yep.

That was a tad whiny. I apologize. Well, not really.


I'll hopefully post the work by me, the artist, later this week.