Saturday, November 29, 2008

and now, a break

So, I am interrupting my incredibly productive homework paper writing session (not sarcasm) to write a post. (So many papers to go, so little time left in the semester.) (Oh, not sure if I mentioned this, but two professors gave me an extension on two of my papers. Thank you, a million and eight, thank yous.)

As much as I was not looking forward to coming home, boy am I glad to be home and boy, do I not want to go back to my apartment. (I can't imagine why)(sarcasm.)

Wednesday afternoon I stopped into old place of employment to say hello to those I miss and love. They still miss and love me, too. Ah, nice.

Later in the afternoon I came home, did a large amount of laundry (sad that at 34 I am still bringing my dirty clothes home?) and spent some time with the moms cooking and talking. Nice.

Thursday I cooked (a large portion of the meal, good for my soul) and gained about 8.6 pounds (pretty sure it was all in carbs.)

Friday mom and I decorated the house while Papa decorated the outside of the house.

Last night was spent working on an art project (old t-shirts, cut into strips, braided together, then take the braids and sew them together until a purse/bag is formed.) (It should be finished by the time my grandkids graduate from college.)

Saturday was spent shopping around Target (or, I looked and moms shopped) along with a gazillion and two hundred other people. Oy.

Tonight, I am going out with one of my former employees from former place of employment for dinner and drinks. (We care more about the drinks than the eats) (and my body is screaming, yelling, begging for something green and in the vegetable category), but I am also looking for the sit long and talk much that she and I do so well. She is old enough to be my mother, and old hippie and cool as hell and great at listening and not judging.

Tomorrow, another former employee, now a kind friend, and I are going for coffee. Both of these friends have had a strong tone with me regarding all that has gone on with me and for not calling them or telling them about any of it prior to this week. Yeah, well....

Tomorrow in the late afternoon I will be heading home. I am not looking forward to it. Can't imagine why.(sarcasm) I also have not been sleeping; this is even with two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill; again, I can't image why.

On a completely unrelated front: I have brought my Cost-Benefit Analysis grade up from a D+ at mid-term to a C as of today. I really want to end the semester with a B. Here's hoping.

I hope all of you had a great Turkey Day and are filled to the top with beige carb deliciousness and warm feelings from family and friends.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

an update

I just received a phone call stating that the no contact order was issued. It will be mailed out tomorrow, which means he will get it by Friday.

However, he is not home because of the holiday. So, my goal for him to receive it during the holiday, is not going to work. Also, it is a certified letter, he won't be home. So, this concerns me a bit.

Also, he will receive a letter stating that a school complaint has been issued against him and that it will go before a panel.

Needless to say, I am a bit emotional.

Also, the only person, other than my therapist who knows, is my mom. I did not want to bring my best gal into the situation that way, if someone asks her something, she literally, can play innocent to the situation. AND if BJ should be so stupid as to mention this to anyone, I have recourse.

But, a support network would be awesome right about now.

(and exhale.)

Monday, November 24, 2008

follow through

Today I asked for the "no contact" order to be issued.
I filled out all of the paperwork and answered and asked questions.

Tomorrow the paperwork will go before the Dean of Students and he will review it to see if the issues is necessary.

I also asked to file a university complaint.

What that means is that I asked that BJ be removed from my classes and attend the classes at an individual study instead.

Since I issued a complaint that means I will have to meet with the Dean of Students and answer all of his questions and go over everything all over again.

The complaint can be denied and I'm not sure if it will be issued or not.

The no contact order will more than likely be issued.

When I meet with the Dean of Students I will also ask about comprehensive exams and that I take them elsewhere so that I do not have to be in the same room with, or see, BJ on that day. I will also ask about graduation as he and I are close alphabetically.

Anyway. That's all. I am emotionally exhausted.

Friday, November 21, 2008

what taking control feels like

So, this was supposed to be an uneventful week and heavy on the homework so that I could relax starting yesterday.

Instead, it started out heavy on the homework and ended heavy into the continued drama.

The short of it: BJ has suddenly started to join in the group during class breaks and has been laying on the snide comments heavily this week. One comment about me was made to our professor. Nice and nothing unprofessional or inappropriate about that, at all.

On Tuesday I decided to leave the table and sit by myself on the opposite side, and out of view, of our break area. I felt really good about my decision and very in control. Go, me!

Then, he made the comment to the professor.


I felt fine Tuesday night. But, then the insomnia came back that night...I am still not sleeping great, but the full-on insomnia has been gone since the end of October. Then the emotions came on Wednesday. Verge of tears, stomach in fiery knots, could not I made an emergency appointment with my therapist.

We met, we talked, she set-up an appointment with a doctor for a med consult and also set-up an appointment for me to meet with the rape crisis counselor on campus to see what can be done with BJ in terms of keeping him away from me.

Wednesday I got two prescriptions: one for anxiety, one for sleep. Both can be taken sporadically and as I see fit. So, not everyday.

Yesterday, I felt really great, but completely exhausted from insomnia and also the anxiety med causes drowsiness, but the meds are awesome.

I went out last night with some friends from work, which was new and nice and I had a great time.

Then this morning I received a text message from my best gal asking me "...are you okay, did something happen?"

I was great and I had no idea about anything happening. So I called her.

Last night, BJ sent out a drunk-typed email at 1:50 this morning.

I am sorry to all of you about what has happened. I admit that what I did that night was wrong. None of you should be involved in this, but you are. I find it ridiculous and juvenile that this is even taking place, but it is. Therefore, I find it necessary to apologize for the current state of affairs among us, and to hope that you will judge me for who I am; a human being. I never intended for anything to happen. I got drunk, and I did things I am not proud of. However, for this to go on for more than three months is unacceptable. What happens happens, and you are not the ones that should deal with it.

I am not and do not pretend to be a perfect or even good person sometimes. But I, and you, do not deserve this.

Here's the thing: the group has no idea what is going on. They know I do not want to be around him, but they do not know why. Also, he never states that it is me, that he is talking, slightly confusing. But more importantly, the group did not know what happened. Congrats, BJ, you just outed yourself.

I called the other male in our group (Matt) to ask him what brought this about. Matt and I talked and he (Matt) (and I am sure, BJ) felt that it was because of me that we all don't hang-out anymore and that I should just forget about the whole thing and move on.

I explained that us not all hanging out anymore, has nothing to do with me. We all have different lives than we did this time last year. The only person who knew what is/was going on is my best gal, as she was the only one who knew until Tuesday, when I told another friend. Any animosity amongst us, has nothing to do with me.
I also asked Matt how he would feel if this had happened to his sister. He changed his tune about the "forget and move on." I think I got through to him with that comment and we ended (I think) on a good note.

After many emails being exchanged today between BJ and my best gal (she sticking up for me, him still not getting it) (me wanting to send my own email, but resisting) which were forwarded to me.

Today I had my regular appointment with my therapist and then my appointment with the crisis counselor.

Short story long, I am giving myself the weekend to think about it, but I am 100% sure that on Monday I will issue a no contact order against BJ.

I can determine how I want it to be worded. I can have him removed from classes and I can have myself removed from classes, but (as of now) I have decided not to do that. I am asking (as of now) that he just stay X amount of feet way from me when we are not in class and should we run into each other outside of school. He is not to make eye contact or speak to me, no more snide comments, if I am with the group, he is not to join us, and if he is with the group, then I will not join them. The decscion of remaining in classes, he is finished with classes in December. I only have two weeks of classes left after we return from Turkey Break.

More importantly, come comprehensive exam time, I will get an accommodation to take the exams separately from everyone else. I don't want months of therapy progress to go down the drain on the most stressful day of my life, ya know?

As of now, I do not think I will tell any of my friends what actions I took (will be taking). I just don't want any of them to know, this might change. Oh, and he is not allowed to talk about it.

Pretty basic, really, but I feel so proud of myself. Taking control and taking action is hard and emotional and I am sure on Monday I will be all over the place emotionally (and on Tuesday when I meet for 2 hours with my therapist to talk about the actual events of the rapes) yeah, a break will be good. I need it. Thank goodness for meds and therapy. The massage I had scheduled today would have been amazing also, but I was 30 minutes late due to the above. So, yeah. A hot shower, my pajamas, and a good meal and perhaps a good beer will just have to do for tonight.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

just askin'

Do you ever watch yourself writing something and wonder, "huh, how does my hand now how to do that? How is my hand able to write so dang fast? How can I think these thoughts while still writing out something so dang fast?"

No? Okay then.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Much like the Tin Man

Today I discovered I have a heart.

Yes, I know, der, right?

Yes, I know I have a heart, cause, I'm not dead and I have a pulse. But I mean, I have a heart and it's okay to listen to it. It's okay to make emotional decisions, it's okay to let people in and have control over my heart.

My heart.
I have one.

Sad that I just realized this today. (thanks, therapy!)
Amazing that I did not realize this before today.
Smiling with glee that I know it now and that I will never forget it.
It's okay to love. It's okay to be in control of my heart. It's okay.

Oh, the things I don't know and I don't even know that I don't know them.

I'll make it. One obstacle at a time, I'll make it.

So, remember the guy who told me I was fat, my life goals were a joke and then stuck his hand in my crotch and his tongue down my throat and begged me for sex? Also known as the direct result of me being in therapy?

Well, I told him to leave me alone back in September. Unfortunately, I have to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when we have classes. I have done my best to ignore him, but he has made it as difficult as he possible can.

For several reasons I have wanted to confront him, but at the same time, I did not want to give him any reason to talk to me. Hard to do. Well, the other day he sent an email asking if I was still mad at him. This was my opportunity to end all contact and to say (once again) exactly how I felt.

I'm not a huge fan of emails or IM's being shared. However, just to show you what I am dealing with on a weekly basis, here you go.

My email to him:

As I stated at T's in September, that night at L, you hurt and offended me deeply. What you said and did to me is unforgivable. Your actions that night, were, and still are, deeply troubling. I have not, I will not, forgive you.

That night at the L, your actions were that of an assailant. You assaulted me, BJ. To refresh your memory: hand in my crotch, tongue shoved down my throat, begging me for sex. None of which were wanted. There is no other way to say what your actions were that night. I was attacked not only verbally, but physically; unforgivable. Deeply troubling. Why would I want anything to do with you? I don't.

Your comments that night were hurtful and not something that a "friend" would say to me. Just to refresh your memory: I am fat, and my life goals are a waste of time and unattainable.

To be clear: I want nothing to do with you. I do not want to talk to you, I do not want you to talk to me. I do not want to be around you.

In regards to us as a group: you are still throwing back-handed comments around and you are still making comments which are hurtful to all of us. Both of which shows me that you have not changed at all. Nor do you care to change. You need help, BJ. I suggest you get some.

Again, to be clear: I want nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.

Do not respond to this email.

Direct, to the point, crystal clear.

His response to me:

I understand that I have hurt you and that you are angry. I have apologized for my boorish behavior and I accept that you are committed to never forgive me. I understand that. On those evenings I crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. However, I was drunk; whats your excuse? In the time I have known you, you have proven to me that you are self centered, short sighted, narrow visioned, hyper sensitive to any form of critique or questioning, irrational, and incapable of compassion or forgiveness. Before you point fingers as to who needs help, it would take a good long look in the mirror and consider how you deal with others. It amazes me that someone who is 34 years old can behave this way; much the same as one would expect of a Junior High School student. The reply that you sent to my email, just proves to me that you are not worthy of knowing. If I were a better person, maybe I would care to repair this, but the fact of the matter is I don't believe that anyone has the emotional energy to try and deal with you. As far as I am concerned, what happened is over and done, and you are out of my life as you have made overwhelmingly evident that I am out of yours. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize who you are. Get help. I considered this bridge burned and I hope that beyond whatever obligations I have left concerning school that I never see you again, or have the displeasure to share company with anyone as remotely as boorish as yourself. Good luck in your future endeavors, and I am truly sorry that I was ever duped into considering you a friend. You obviously only use that word when its convenient for you.

I consider this issue dead. Continue to hate, if that is what makes you happy.

Nice, huh?

My initial response, I laughed and I do not believe a word of it. The comments to my character, laughable and completely false. The day before he was still trying to be my friend. Given a day to simmer over the email I sent along with some liquid courage, this is what I got. The fact that he blames everything on being drunk, wow, troubling. Given that he is either drunk or hung-over, he has a lot of excuses.


There are many reasons why his actions that night sent me back to a time when I was a very lost teenager and sent me into therapy.

One, the comment on my weight. As every female does, I ebb and I flow. However, after each rape I very consciously gained weight to keep the men away. It was deliberate and I am and was well aware of what I was doing.
I then lost the weight after a few years. However, one night, when I was around 19, I was out at my favorite bar and a man walked past me and deliberately stuck his hand between my legs as I walking through the crowd. I cannot describe what that did to me emotionally. Psychologically, I thought "I need to gain more weight..." and I did. Between 18-20 I gained about 45 pounds. At 21 I lost all of it and then some.

After the rape at 23, I slowly, but steadily gained more weight, all in the name of not wanting any unwanted male attention. I gained around 100 pounds between 23-29. I've lost most of the weight which was gained, but still struggle with my weight and the attention that losing and gaining can bring. I also struggle with the same 20 pounds over and over again. I know the reasons why and it is one of the things I am working on. However, the number on the scale never has, and never will, determine my self-worth. For whatever reason, I have always had high self-esteem. I know, it is an oxymoron and does not make a lick of sense, just trust me on this one.

So, BJ's actions that night took me back 17 years, half a lifetime ago. The comment about my weight, if only he knew why I struggle and the connection between weight and wanting to keep men like him away.
He doesn't know what he did and he never will. Am I blaming him for 17 years of issues, no. Absolutely not. He's an ass. I've known he was an ass, I've always thought he was an ass. Had I been back in home city, I never would have had anything to do with him. However, new city, no friends, I was trying to make connections. Lesson learned.
Am I calling him a rapist, no. He attacked me, verbally and physically in a way that was not wanted, his actions took me back to being raped, but he did not rape me. Attacked, yes.

So, twice a week for several hours a night I am forced to be in a room with my attacker. I am forced to be in a room with someone who would send that kind of hateful and rage filled email to. Merely one of the things I am dealing with while also trying to make it out of bed and into work and class each day in order to graduate and fulfill my life goals. Because they are not pointless and they are attainable. I'll succeed, I know I will. Obstacles are just placed there to be jumped over and to prove that I can make it over them. I just need to remember this.

Monday, November 10, 2008

a quick hello

Just a quick, what's been going on in my life, update.

Turkey Break will be in less than two weeks and gosh, am I looking forward to it.

However, since I plan to boycott my computer during that time and I have a few papers due immediately upon my return from Turkey Break, I have to do some serious ass hauling on the paper and homework front between now and the next less-than two weeks. (yes, that is a run-on.)

How serious? This semester I have 19 papers due. I've finished five.
Just in case your math skills are like mine, I'll clarify: yeah, that's not good.

One of those papers is my HUGE research paper (not a thesis, but it might as well be and we have a semester to come up a subject and complete it) which I have hit a wall on. I need to change my paper a smidge (perhaps more than a smidge.) I was going to write about U.S. birth control policy 1850-Present; does policy affect society, or does society affect policy, but think I am going to change it to 1850-1900 and just touch on the last 100+ years. Not happy about that, but I do not think I have much choice in the matter. Too big, and too short of time to finish it. Technically I have until March. Actually, I want to finish by December.

On a personal front: not dating anyone. September and October I was dating three people. I no longer am. Sure the holidays are approaching and it would be nice, but let's be honest, why is it nice just to have someone around the holidays? It's not. It's nice to have a special someone all the time.

I am also done with the "someones" and looking for "the one."

On a therapy front: It is going very well. It has been very emotional and frustrating. It has affected my friendship with my best gal, but I think that rough patch is over.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, has turned out to be wrong.
All the reasons I thought I did something, nope, not so much. All those reasons were wrong.
So, that realization has affected who I thought I was. The reasons for my past failed relationships, the reasons for me being in grad school, my undergrad education, my extreme need for privacy, why I put my guard up, why I am guarded...all of it and so much more and I am sure even more that I have no idea about...all have, are, and will continue to become clear.

So, yes, it has been wonderfully gratifying to talk about everything, but incredibly emotional and heartbreaking.

Yet, I feel calm. Very calm. And strong. And maybe even a little brave. But, I'm not sure about that one yet. That one I will have to think about a little bit longer.

In the last two weeks everything has been back in technicolor. I am back to my old-self. Well, my old-self that is now my new-self, and best of all, I am sleeping better. Better, but not perfect. However, I will take better. And that better is without sleeping pills, which makes it perfect.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

a thought

this was forwarded to me, but thought it was something worth sharing:

Rosa sat so Martin could walk,

Martin walked so Barack could run,

Barack ran so our children could fly.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

on this election night

I am very proud to be an American.

Monday, November 03, 2008

On Tuesday

Get your ass to the poles.

...and I don't mean the ones at the North or South ends of the Earth.

I mean the one with a ballot and a box and a curtain.
Hankie and pankie are not included.

Now. Go vote.

Then you can enjoy this
You Tube video. Or you can enjoy it now. Your choice. Much as it is at the ballot and the box. Your choice. No, really. Totally up to you. Don't be a sheep. Bah.