how to make the bitterness return in five minutes or less

...so, just for shits and giggles, during a break in econ class tonight, I decided to add up all the things I lost money on for the little trip to Brazil.

$600+ on vaccines (and I'm still not finished with all of them)
$300 on plane cancellation fees (better than nothing, but still)
$300+ visa fees (you know, to be denied)
$100+ driving to Chicago (once again, just to be denied)
$60 on language tapes (useless)
$30 on a book about Brazil (gee, that came in handy)
and hundreds more on miscellaneous charges, like making extra keys for my apartment, malaria pills,(that won't be used) and let's not forget the econ class I get to take again (yah!) $300+.

Altogether the amount (which I can remember anyway, I know this is not the total amount that I have lost, this is just the amount which I can recall) I have lost, spent, begged, borrowed, took an early payout on, which means I will be penalized come tax time, totals: $1731.00

Yep.

I knew I lost over $1000.00 on this little misadventure, but I didn't realize it was closer to $2000.00.

Concentrating through the rest of class was a bit difficult.

I really didn't want to intern with the misbegotten grassroots organization, but I finally got tired of going back and forth with my brain, (and after two emails and two voice mails to my advisor asking for guidance and help, only to receive none. As in, literally. No response from any of the emails or phone calls. Thanks.) so, I told her last week I would get on with my research.
I have not gotten on with my research as of yet.
...and now I really do not care to research a good god-blessed piece o' information.
Every time I think about my internship I become sick to my stomach. So, I am either pregnant (eck!)(and gosh, it would be really pickled at this point.) or my mind and body are telling me to shove this little grassroots org deep into some back lawn.

Thoughts?

...and no worries, I'm still drinking as if I was back in college town. I mean really, was there any doubt or question about that?

water, water everywhere, nor a drop to drink

Sitting here enjoying my summer of possibilities, I thought, gosh, I really don't have anything to write about.
...

...

Oh, wait! A large portion of Home State along with Home City are flooded. Hmmm, maaaaybe I should write about that.

Now, when I say, flooded, I don't mean there are a few puddles of water here and there, no, I mean, a large portion of Home State is under water. Several, several, several, several feet of water and the rivers have not crested as of yet, which means more water is coming though Saturday.

I had planned to go back to Home City to visit, this weekend, but I cannot. I cannot get back to Home City, because they are not letting people in.

Having spent the Floods of '93 trapped for the weekend in the Children's Home in which I worked, later burning myself with boiled clean water, only then to soothe the burn with contaminated cold water, thus seeking comfort from a bag of frozen peas as I drove myself to the doctor to get a tetanus shot...the Floods of '08, are going better for me. For me, but not for thousands of others.

I've had friends check on my apartment, it's fine, but things around my apartment are not. I know the school has been canceled a few times this week. Main street are closed and evacuated (where my friends and I go almost every night of the week to drink our days away.) However, in terms of my apartment, it's not the flood waters I am worried about, it is the trees, specifically, the Shade-o-riffic tree. I want the tree to die, but I do not wish it to die by going through my apartment roof from one of the bad storms.

One of my guy friends is interning as an emergency manager within Home City...I would say he is getting a wonderful first-hand training/learning experience.
Girlfriends are sandbagging their homes, other friends have had to be evacuated.

So, although the National News has been reporting on us, I always tend to believe that they sensationalize and only show one bad area, but really, it's not that bad. Well, I am here to tell you, it is that bad. Bad, Bad, horribly awful bad and it is only going to get worse as the rivers crest throughout the weekend.

so far

So far on the summer of possibilities:

I've seen: Ironman, Sex and the City (twice) and today I will see the new Indiana Jones.

I've read: Sold by Patricia McCormick. It's about a girl from Nepal who is (perhaps) unwittingly sold into a brothel by her family.

Baker Towers by Jennifer Haige. That one was about a family living in a PA coal mining town starting in the 1940's and ends in the 1970's. Sounds like a chick book, but I think men would enjoy it as well.

I've begun reading: Truck: A Love Story by Michael Perry and also Tallgrass by Sandra Dallas.

I've started two new paintings: (hopefully I will be finished with one by the end of the weekend.) (Pictures will be forthcoming of the last ones I've completed as well as the new ones.)

I've gone for a walk everyday. Yesterday I went for two walks. The walks are making me happy.

I am working at Former Place of Employment: a.k.a the college I worked at for five years prior to moving. I am working as a tutor for a few students and as a special needs helper for another. In other words, I am doing what I used to supervise over. I am a peon. I couldn't be happier about this.

Internship: haven't done a thing for it. Reason? Cause I emailed by advisor on Monday asking him to advise me and I have not heard back from him. So, I refuse to lift another finger until I do.

I have some creative writing sentences flowing through my head; I'm sure they will make there way to the keyboard within a few more days. It's a process.

Level of bitterness: Pretty much gone. I've accepted that Brazil wasn't supposed to happen (for whatever reason.) I'm happy being back at Former Employer cause gosh, I was missed by everyone (and no one likes the gal who replaced me. Ah, it's amazing how nice that feels) and well, being missed and being liked is good for the psyche. Still not happy about having to take econ, but based on the quizzes I just took, perhaps it's a good thing I am.

When the alarm goes off: I don't mind it. I am staying up reading until about 1 a.m. and sleeping until 8:01 a.m. every morning. Funny how when there really aren't any obligations going on it's easier to get up and going in the morning.

Ah, fresh air. Damn, but it does feel good.

the summer of possibilities

6:48 pm

That's the time my plane departed on Sunday for Brazil.
The plane I wasn't on, but still.

Around 6:50pm I went for a long walk.
Walking and thinking about all the reasons and all the whys and trying to figure it all out in a matter of miles.
Am I supposed to spend time with my parents for some reason?
Am I supposed to work with someone this summer and make a difference in one of their lives?
Am I supposed to do some sort of research this summer that will lead into a future job?
Was I supposed to have all of these problems with my visa and travel to pass on to someone else?
What about my micro class?
and on and on.

Then on my return trip from my walk, I realized, it took seven months of ignoring my inner voice that something was not right about my internship and my travel plans and three weeks of trying to sort out the ensuing mess; therefore, something tells me it is going to take a helluva lot longer than a walk to figure out the deeper meaning. So, stop trying to.

I, being me, had initially planned to: live with the 'rents for the summer, get a job at my old place of work, volunteer at the local AIDS project and also the local Planned Parenthood, work on my internship, and take my night class. All within eight weeks, mind you.

So far I have: moved home temporarily for the summer, gotten a job at my old place of work, checked into volunteering, but neither place currently needs volunteers, waiting for my internship to be re-approved, and taking my night class, finished one book, working on another.

Frankly, I'm thinking that working, class, internship: that's plenty for one person.

So, so far I have concluded that maybe, just maybe (naughty girls need love, too.) (Thanks, Samantha Fox.) that this summer is about taking care of me. Slowing down and enjoying some time. I've finished one book since Friday, well on my way to finishing a second. Today I went to the local library and brought an arm-full of books home with me. Right now, delving into all of them sounds like a near-perfect summer.
My Mama thinks I am supposed to take the summer to put together and write my book. Who knows.
The summer is full of possibilities and (currently) I have all the time in the world to figure it out. So, for once, I'm not in a rush. And maybe, that's all I'm supposed to get out of all this; to simply slow down and breathe.