Thursday, July 31, 2008

just sayin'

I believe life works out the way it is supposed to, not necessarily the way we want it to.

I think this summer I was supposed to (try) and slow down. In (trying) to slow down I have realized a helluvalot of things about myself. I've remembered a crapload of things I've (conveniently) forgotten. I've taken time to breath (although not as much as I would have liked.)I've had way too many epiphanies about myself and why I react and do the things I do. (Eye-opening and mind boggling, really.) and with this new found knowledge I hope to lead a some what (but not totally) different life.

The last few weeks have been an emotional journey of rediscovering me and leaning about who I thought I was.

I have abandonment issues.
Therefore, as soon as I feel someone is going to leave, pull away, or betray be in someway, my brick wall goes sky high. Instantly, goes sky high.
I had no idea I reacted this way, or even more importantly, how quickly I react. As in, the person can still be talking to me.

As such, I've remembered numerous walls that were built and relationships that were never allowed to happen.

As a result of the above, I go into even more of a protective mode in that I also instantly over-schedule myself. I go into "...I'll show them" mode. Meaning, I don't need them, look how busy, popular, loved, and successful I can be without them.

This, in turn, keeps me from really having to deal with the hurt feelings, or being left.
Most importantly, I always, always leave first.
Mr. London left me. He was the first. I do believe this had a HUGE frickin' impact on how I reacted and also with how I didn't react.

Another thing I discovered last night about myself: I tend not to do random acts of kindness. Meaning, I don't like to buy things, give unexpected gifts, go out of my way in a showy way.
The reason, it will go unnoticed and will not be appreciated or the act will not be taken in the way I intended.

Here, would you like an example? Okay. I made (a really fuckingly awesome) painting for Mr. London for his birthday. I mailed it in May and it was delivered on May 22. As of today, I still have not received word that he has received it.
He called me in June to thank him for the e-cards I sent for his birthday, I asked if he received a package, no, but he would let me know the next day, as sometimes things were delivered to the restaurant below him.
So, two snarky emails from me later, and well, apparently he either died or he is seeing someone.
...which would be where my brain goes in situations such as these...
Um, yeah.

So, I am sure there are more, but you know, that's about all I can handle in one blog posting.

Here's to Summers of Possibilities and all the surprises they hold in store.


Jay said...

My walls are usually up from the moment I meet someone new. I'll slowly take my wall down as I get to know them better. Once in a blue moon I'll meet someone whom I connect with right away. That's so rare that I can't remember the last time I met a girl I was comfortable with from the start. When I feel a relationship ending and I see that person pulling away, I detach. I can be quite aloof at times and that side of me will take over. I'm usually the one to walk away. But even if I'm not, it doesn't bother me anymore. It used to. I have obsessed in the past, but obsession leads to pain and I have plenty of that to go around as is.

On a completely unrelated note: I noticed in your Causes to believe in section that you have Uncultured Project listed and could just kiss you for it! I was one of Shawn's first 20 subscribers on YouTube and have been active in supporting him and his project in Bangladesh. A few of my friends and I have donated money and I try to mention him on my YouTube videos as often as possible. Thank you for helping get the word out, lovely! :-)

limpy99 said...

If he didn't say thanks for the painting, then didn't reply to the emails, it's time to move on. Better now than later, even if it's tough.

Party Girl said...

Jay: I agree on several points. I am always gaurded on some level; with some more than others and with several people I am always gaurded. It amazes me how many people think they know me, really know me...they have no idea.
Just because my mouth is moving, it doesn't mean I'm saying anything.

I found the link from you, so, thank you for talking about it. It's an amazing project. All it takes is one person to change the world, I truly believe that.

Limpy: He lives in London, he's been there over a year at this point. My guard went up while he was telling me he was moving, we still dated up until the moment he left my apartment for the last time a year ago birthday actually.
I've been moving on since that day. We still talk on occasion. He always mentioned my artwork whenever he was at my place and continues to mention it when we talk on the phone. From that I decided to talk myself into sending him the painting. I was taking a baby-step and convincing myself that he would love it and call me right away, that he would react the way a person should react. I was wrong. In being wrong I see that he wasn't the person I thought he was.
It's tough, another lesson learned, moving on.

Party Girl said...

Jay: one more thing: something tells me I might be one female you would be instantly comfortable with. (I could be wrong and frequently am.) There is just something about me that compells people to talk. I'm okay with this.

Last night, again at the bar by myself, I pretty much got this guys entire life story. I didn't say much, just nodded and listened. So, if you're ever in my home state and you see a gal and her head looks like the back of mine, feel free to pull up a bar stool, I'm all ears. =0)

ptg said...

Mr. London is an idiot and should be poked with an electrical wire.

That being said....

I believe walls are present for a reason. Obviously to protect (what else), but the first time someone can crawl over them...we react in one of two ways. 1. Build them stronger, higher, mightier. 2. Let them come down.

Walls are meant to keep us safe, make us feel that we are invinceable. When we find out we're not is when we learn a lot about ourselves. Hubs had quite the battle learning about mine...but that's another story for another day.

The time when someone else climbs over, I have a feeling you're going to be in for a shocker. Cuz as much as you think that no one ever will...someone will.

You're too amazing of a chick not to.

Old Man Crowder said...

Your first line says it all.

Fate. Karma. God. Whatever you prefer. Either way, things will work out as they should.

puerileuwaite said...

I agree with The Old Man as to the "why".

You and I are a LOT alike (except you're WAY curvier!). So here's a couple of the things I've learned to make me happier and move on from the disappointments ... maybe you might find them useful as well:

1) Don't live in the past. Don't dwell on what might have been. Too many people fail to do this, and worse yet, blog about it. One-time catharsis is one thing ... making it a recurring theme is quite another. You have a great life ahead of you, provided you maintain faith and focus.

2) Do things because YOU are gratified in doing them. Never do them in anticipation of a desired reaction. Anything above that (acknowledgement or gratitude from the recipient, for example) should be considered icing on the cake. The painting alone was a heartfelt and wonderful gesture, regardless of any possible outcome.


Party Girl said...

ptg: God but I hope you're right. I really want to believe this and I really want to be open to the possibility.

OMC: Exactly. Shit doesn't happen, life does.

P: When I realize something I have to verbaize it, own it, be honest about it, learn from it, and try really hard not to keep repeating the same thing over and over.

I don't think I'm living in the past, I think I am learning from my past so as not to repeat the same mistakes into my future.

I'm not sure if youre saying that with two blogpostings I need to stop writing about it, or if you are saying other don't know how to move on. Regardless, I don't plan to write about the topic again.
I've realized it, owned it, I'm being honest about it, I'm learning from it, I'm letting go, I'm moving on.

In regards to the painting, to me it would just be common courtesy to say, "thank, I got it." But that's just me.

puerileuwaite said...

For what it's worth, I agree with everything you said in your reply. You have a good head on your gorgeous shoulders. The only thing I'd like to add (for clarification) is that - yes - of course after all that effort you certainly do deserve a "thanks, I got it". And no ... my original comment was not criticism ... just a bit of gentle reminder from a friend (one that apparently was not necessary).

Party Girl said...

P: Gentle reminders can be good things. Sometimes, that's all a girl needs.

Thanks for the compliment as well, it was also appreciated.

ptg said...

*I* would love to get a painting and for him not to acknowledge it, say thank you, or otherwise mention it is rude.

Stephanie Tanner RUDE, really. (Sorry, it's on the TV that Hubs is flipping through right now.)

Henceforth the wire poking.

Party Girl said...

ptg: I am (was) quite annoyed by the lack of "hey, thanks" truly, that's all I was (am) looking for.

Oh, well.

Hell, since I didn't make it back to home city this weekend, for all I know it could have been sent back to me and it's sitting in the post office.

I highly doubt it, but maybe.