Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'm trying, okay?

So, last night I went out on a date.

The date went well. Lots of conversation, lots of laughs, provided by me, of course. I mean, I am hilarious. Just fyi.
Oh, and an insistence, by him, that I sing along to "Ice, Ice Baby" in his car. I, of course, obliged without much forethought or worry of embarrassing myself. He did not sing along.
I harassed him about that.

I'm sure there will be a follow-up of a second date. I'm working on getting past my first date dismissing technique. (Old habits.)

I ended the date around 12:30 claiming I had a big day of homework ahead of me. Although true, the real truth is that I was sitting with a lovely gentleman, but wishing I was sitting with someone else.

I know, I know. (repeat a million-thousand more times.)

But when your sitting across from someone and wishing it was someone else, is that fair to either person? Um, no.

When there are lapses as to what the person's name is, because you want to call them London, yeah, probably not good.

So, even though the date went very well, I found myself coming home very sad. Sad and mad at myself. (This seems to be a theme as of late.) (I'm working on getting a knew theme.) (Perhaps a theme song??)

Maybe it's because London was supposed to come and visit me this past weekend, planned since March, but the trip had to be postponed. And although I knew (KNEW) it would not workout because this is the third time in less than a year where it has not worked out, still, in the back of my head I had hoped. (I mean, c'mon.)
So, maybe that's why I was sad. That and all the bullshit from this past weekend with Fucktard and his comments, maybe all that combined made me sad last night.


Although during my bathroom breaks, I did tell myself in the mirror I am awesome, hot, and anyone would be lucky to date me. (Affirmations are the key to success.) (Just don't say them aloud, cause then you're seen as crazy and the other girls in the bathroom will tell their friends about you and they will point and laugh.) (Just fyi.)

I know part of the problem is that we never saw (London and I)(and still haven't seen) the worst of each other. It makes it easy to think two people should be together when you still believe the other person is perfect (or at the very least is virtually flawless) when you haven't seen (or had to put up with) someones flaws.

It's ridiculous, I know.
I feel slightly (or a little more than) pathetic about the whole thing.

I'm working on it, okay?


Jay said...

I don't think there's any reason for you to feel pathetic about this. We human beings tend to place the "ideal" upon a pedestal, impassioned by its seemingly unwavering perfection, using it as a benchmark by which all others are judged. And yet, deep down inside, we know this to be an exercise in futility. The benchmark is set too high. Perfection is an illusion. The process can seem never ending, and the pain is very real. We are imperfect beings. Celebrate your imperfections. They are what make you... you.

Those of us who read and comment on your blog love you for your flaws. You share them on a great many of your posts and that makes you real to us. And that's far more admirable than any high profile success story could ever be.

Just know that whatever steps you down your path, there are those who love you for you and wouldn't want you any other way...

...even if we are separated by distance and pixels.

hugs for my favorite PartyGirl,


Party Girl said...

Thank you for the lovely comment.

I am not, do not wish to be, do not try to be, and have no desire to be perfect.

I certainly do not want to, or wish to, date someone who is perfect, how boring.

We all have baggage, a few carry-ons are welcomed and acceptable. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't have (some) baggage. I wouldn't know how to deal with someone if they didn't have a past.

Flaws make us unique and make us beautiful.
Accept me or don't, the flaws are mine and I own them and wear them (sometimes) proudly.

The blog is my safe place, it's where I can be me, be honest, be open and express what's going on in the convaluted head and heart of mine. I appreciate the fact that you (and hopefully) others are open to listen. I do appreciate the ability to write, express, and get the
convalued-ness out of my head and my heart.
It's been remarkably theraputic. If you cannot afford therapy, I recommend a blog. Cheaper and probably better.

Party Girl said...

Jay: on another note, that was an awfully early comment time; early morning or late night?

I hope classes are going well.

Jay said...

Late night. I was studying for an English quiz due at the end of the week, (hybrid class, part of the class is online.)

School is going well. I feel like a kid again. Although, with all of my classes meeting in the evening, I'm not the oldest person in the room!

It's the little things, I guess. :-)