Friday, December 15, 2006

life is funny- in a not so hilarious way

Life and how it unfolds is also all about timing. I always seem to be on the wrong time. I always seem to be running about 15 minutes late.
This is an update on my love life and also on my thesis. The thesis part will be short.

Okay, so I haven't been talking about my love life recently and here's why, because it has been going too well to write about. I didn't want to talk or write about it because truly, wow. I met the most wonderful man (notice, not a guy) a little over six weeks ago. He is: smart, funny, successful, a blast to be around, a laugh a minute, he has follow-through and doesn't play games. He actively listens and asks questions, he knows how to carry on a conversation and talks with me for hours about everything and anything. He's easy to be with. Completely opposite in the way I think, he's a left, I'm a right brainer, but it doesn't matter. This relationship is like breathing, so easy, don't need to think about it, it just is. I am totally myself. I'm not trying to jinx it, ruin it, or fuck it up in any way, shape or form. I truly, truly enjoy being with this man. On top of all of that he absolutely repects me and he isn't trying to simply get me into bed, fuck me, and kick me out, he actually really wants to get to know me. Me, as a whole person. Wow. Yeah, girl moment. Color me so impressed, and twitterpatted.

Over Turkey Day week he went to London and Barcelona to give a talk on alternative fuel resources (yeah, he's like super extra mega smart. Whole, PhD, 32 years old, works at local Big State University as a researcher) As a result of this talk, last week he was offered a job at King's College. That's in London. This week he accepted the job and he will be moving to London at the end of April.
Last night we broke up. Why did we break up? Because he doesn't want to lead me on. He doesn't want to fall for me even more. He doesn't want me to get hurt. He doesn't want to be the jerk. He wants me to be a priority, as I should be, but he knows I won't be in the next months. He knows I will get pushed to the side and that's not fair. Not fair to me. Not fair to him because he knows he'll fall for me even more.
I said, "I am truly, truly happy for you. I really am. But, I am also sad for me."
To which he responded, "Yeah. Exactly."
"Life it's all about timing."
"Yeah. Timing."

We agreed to still be friends and keep hanging out with each other in the next months. As friends.
Of course.
As much as I hope and want that to happen, I don't know that I can.

Here's my girl moment: I think you all know me well enough to know how I am in terms of love, relationships, and men. I'm cynical. I am guarded. I've been hurt. I've been lied to and cheated on. I've been chewed up and spit out. When things are going well I will, and have, always fucked it up (on purpose) in some way. I don't fall. I don't become smitten. I am not the girl who goes all girl about a guy.
But, see, here's the thing, he's not a guy. He's a man. A true gentleman. I would absolutely, without hesitation, pick up and move. Move to London. Move half way around the world to be with him. I know, I know. Trust me, I know. But, it's true. If he asked me to move with him, I absolutely would move. Completely and totally irrational makes not a lick of sense, but I can't articulate how calm it makes me. How completely sane it sounds and seems to me.

So, last night as I closed the door behind him, and I really didn't want to close the door. To close it behind him. Because as soon as a door is closed, it's closed. Who knows when and how it will be reopened. If that person will ever appear on the other side again. As soon as the door was shut, I placed my hands on the door and with my forehead against the painted wood, even before I had a chance to bolt the locks, the tears started. They continued well past the point of being in bed and they started as soon as my alarm went off this morning. They've continued since I've been at work. (I knew mascara and contacts were a mistake today.) I'm sure they will flow freely, today.

Timing.
Yeah.
Timing.
Maybe he was supposed to come into my life to let me know there are good men out there. That I can be open and myself and I don't have to be gaurded, I can just be.
Maybe he came into my life to tell me I need to move. Not to London, but when I am finished with school in May I need to forget about this place and pick up and leave. Somwhere, anywhere, but move. I've always thought and known that my personality is too big for this place.
Maybe I don't know why yet.

(Exhale....)


Thesis update: Monday 12/11. I was to defend my thesis at 3:40. My "mentor" called me at 9:45 to tell me it wouldn't pass and it was disorganized. I need to take an incomplete and if I want, he will have another mentor work with me and he is now willing to meet me half way, ect. (Recall that I asked for an incomplete and the week before my thesis was, "good, very good")
Tues 12/12, I leave a message stating I want a new mentor.
Thurs 12/14 He calls me at 1:30 to tell me no one is will to work with me (pause) because of the holiday and winter break. (yeah, thinking he could have put that sentence in front of the other one.) Everyone has now read it and it is, "disorganized, rambling and I don't know how to construct a sentence and my use of grammar is very poor." He is willing to meet me at his office on 12/23 at 10 a.m. to help me on this.
I apologize to everyone who reads this blog for any rambling and disorganization that I have in my posts. I will try to have a better grasp of the English language, soon.
I also guess all of the "A's" I've recieved, as well as being published, as well as the praise I've received over the years, all crap.
Wow, way to kick me. Yesterday I lost all faith in myself. I was going to send several pieces out to the publishers yesterday and I couldn't bring myself to do it, not after I spoke with him. I completely doubted my ability to write. How dare he. Then I had another instructor look at it and she thinks because my page 3 and 4 are weak they then didn't read any further because she doesn't see what he means. So, by last night I was over that. I'll work on it next week and kick it out of the ballpark.

So, broken hearted and doubted myself, my writing, and my education. How was your Thursday?

13 comments:

TrappedInColorado said...

PG. I can honestly express how very very sorry I am for your pain. I experienced that pain 5 years ago. Total annihilation. There are no magic words to make it hurt less. There is only time. PG, my heart goes out to you and I truly wish I could do more than type words on a computer screen.

Peace

Scott and Lynne said...

Oh PG! That is so sad. It is true though that after lots of crappy boyfriends I had to have a couple of really great ones and endure the heartache of ending those relationships in order to find the wonderful man I'm with now. We're the same age and believe me...you have so much more going for you. Be positive, be patient, and set your standards high. Mr. Right will come along. You deserve to be happy.

That sucks about your thesis, too. Screw him. You know you're better than that. Don't let one prick get you down. You're almost there!

-Lynne

Baron Ectar said...

I am so sorry - I wish that I could take the hurt away from you.

The USA needs you here anyway - his loss!

Party Girl said...

Trapped: Thank you for your kind words, always. I am so sorry that you had to endure your pain. I know I'll be okay. For right now, it hurts. I haven't hurt like this in a very long while.

Lynne: Sweetie, you are too kind. I don't know that I have more going for me, but thanks for saying so. I appreciate it. Why are the crappy ones so plentiful and the good ones taken or gay? Story of my life.
However, it was nice to finally find a good one. It really, truly was.

Baron: You know what? That didn't even occur to me. Seriously. Thanks for turning it around for me.




...the tears have been plentiful and flowing very easily today. As my co-worker said, "It doesn't help that I'm in a very vulnerable place right now." (Because of school) and I'm sure, I know, she has a point.

Here's the thing, she and several of my friends who witnessed my tear stained face today all said the same thing, "I didn't know you were seeing anyone." See, I honestly keep it to myself.

Told my mom on Monday how smitten I was. Had to tell her the news today. She thinks if I have a chance to be happy then I need to go, go to London. I don't know. I'll keep everyone posted. You know I will.
In the meantime, I plan to stay on my couch and cry. For tonight anyway. Tomorrow I'll pick myself up.

puerileuwaite said...

If he mentioned the possibility of a new life for you both in London, then - yes - you should consider it.

If not, then you will heal and eventually move on (speaking from experience here ... most of us have gone through this).

The thesis runaround doesn't help. But this too shall pass.

Sorry I don't have anything more insightful today.

Pyrhonik said...

((HUGS)))))))

Cuz heartbreak is hell, and nothing but time gets you through it. I hope that you find another person to hold and love. I totally agree that moving once you have completed your studies is a brilliant choice. It makes complete sense that you would have picked up and gone to London. I am very surprised that he didn't ask you to. Unless he feels that you wouldn't be a priority there either. Which is a shitty presumption, and kinda chicken as well. From the sound of what you described I think you guys could have been great in London as well. Ok,Ok, I don't wanna rub salt in the wound either.

As for the thesis nightmare, is it status quo for fuckwits to be in those positions. It is deplorable how they dropped the ball on this. It blows me away that such a level of study is treated in such a cavalier manner. And for the record: you write very well. Regardless of outside stressors, I think you have a marvelous grasp of the language.

I hope this next week is better. Hell, it has to get better.

Py

Baron Ectar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Baron Ectar said...

Hey - just wanted to stop by and give ya a hug. Keep your head up - there is someone better out there for you. Someday you will look back and say - WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!

Party Girl said...

Thanks everyone.

After spending all day Friday in tears (literally.) (Thank god, I only had to work until noon.) Saturday, mom drug me out of the house to go Christmas shopping. It did me good. Last night I had half a bottle of red wine (cause it's good for the heart.)
Today I woke up feeling like a new gal. I have some revelations brewing. I'll share them when they become clear.

Kisses and hugs to all.

Baron Ectar said...

Ahhhh you are coming back! I am so excited for you! You go go go!

GirlGoyle said...

London is a long ways away. It would be a great experience and I'm even sure you'd love every minute of it despite having to put up with the Oh so dry brits. My question to you is...why is it that at times such changes are so clear to us but not to them. I've gotten stuck on the "I'd follow if he'd ask" but why don't they ever ask? I'm willing to take the chance, the plunge into the dark why are men never ready to do that? Is it because they are afraid to ask or afraid to find out that you would go and that isn't what they want. The old age cynical contradiction of right guy at the wrong time. Eh...maybe one day you'll find one just as good who has the guts to at least ask you to follow him. Hang in there!

As for your mentor...it makes me so mad!!! If there were really that many issues with your thesis why did he not do his job sooner and flag them?? Because in reality he DIDN'T do his job. Because in reality this mentor (as many others) is one lazy opportunistic bastard. Just get it over with and move on. Thesis are a pain in the ass.

Phollower said...

Well, I don't have much more to say that hasn't been said already. But I always appreciate your posts and look forward to hearing how things work out. If past occurances are any indication things for you will work out just fine and you'll look good doing it. But that's just how you roll. I'll send you one of my special gingerbread men...

AeroAangel said...

i had one of those men recently too...and i do understand how hard it is to let go and how willing you might be to just "go" with them, but then, they don't ask you to, so you stay...and remain sad...but take heart dearie, at least you found, as you stated, somebody who "got it" for a change; a person who "almost" fit the bill perfectly. and I say almost because if he fit the bill perfectly, he would have at least hinted that you should go too...

don't doubt yourself...it's a nasty habit to break, so just avoid the hassle and/or embarassment of being a "quitter" and don't even start. K?