Wednesday, April 18, 2007

so anyway...

So, Mr. London is gone. Left very early this morning for his parent's house and then he will be in the land of princes, warm beer, and drizzly streets this day next week.

I am very glad I told him good-bye. Obviously. I needed the kick in the head (or ass, depending on which end you want) that ptg gave to me (she really is a therapy genius. Just sayin'.) I immediately called and left an, oh, so eloquent phone mail message for him. Then after a wonderful game of phone tag we made a date for Monday night. After a lovely dinner together and some much needed cuddle time on the big, ugly, comfy couch it was time for me to see him to my door one last time. Each time he left my apartment I always wondered when the next time would be that he would appear on the other side; Monday night was the last time for his entrance and exit from my apartment.

With his arm around me and my head on his chest I told him I will miss him. To which he replied, "I'm going to miss you, too, but it's not like I'm dying." Kind of put it into perspective for me, but to myself I thought, No, just going to London.

After we said our good-byes I walked him to my door, took his arm and told him I had something I needed to say to him. In my, oh, so un-eloquent way I told him what I had been keeping inside for four months. Well, almost everything. His head didn't technically explode, but I could clearly register panic on his face. Although he and I are very affectionate, cuddly, loving people, mushy sentimentality, we aren't good with. Our actions spoke volumes, but not always our words, what little sentimentality we did say, usually boomed with affection. I'll get better at expressing my emotions. (I'm almost sure of it.) (Pretty positive.) (I'm going to try really hard.) I took one last picture of us together, seeing as how he hates getting his picture taken, I had one chance, literally one shot, to capture our last moment together. He looks adorable. My mouth is open. He thought that was appropriate. Hmmmm. Apparently I'm gabby.

Anyway, the big break through moment came for me on Sunday. Once again crying without cause or warning; (been my typically Sunday since December) the reason I couldn't, didn't want to, wasn't able to find the words to express to him how I felt and what I wanted was because I was afraid that I would freak him out and then ruin what little time we had together, essentially I was afraid of losing him. The ironic part and what I hit myself upside the head with on Sunday was, I'm losing him regardless. No matter what I do or say, or didn't do or say, he is leaving. No matter what. London is not going to stop calling. Duh. Sadly or wonderfully, I didn't realize this until Sunday.

So, of course we promised each other we will keep in touch. Of course. I truly hope we do and I truly hope he shows up on the other side of my door someday, someday not too far into the future. I also truly hope I didn't miss a chance or an opportunity for happiness and for someone wonderful to be in my life. I don't think I did, but I guess the truth is I may not ever now. Learn it from me kids, fear is a bitch.

What I do know for sure is that I met, fell in love with, and had an amazing time with a man who was truly worthy. Worthy of me, truly. This is a huge thing for me. Sad that it took until I was 32 to find someone, but at least I did. I also know that I am going to be taking a break from dating. The next person who wants to date me is going to have some very big shoes to fill and will need to prove his worthiness to me in many ways. However, I know next time, when I'm in love again, that I won't be so afraid to say how I feel. I won't be so afraid to say, I'll go with you, or they can go with me. Wherever that is, I'll go with you.


limpy99 said...

My wife always says "Everything happens for a reason" I find this endlessly annoying and often try to strangle her with a dishtowel before she can finish the sentence, but the most irritating thing is that she's usually right. So hang in there.

And stay away from dish towels.

Bre said...

I think that's both the hardest and most important lesson to learn!

ptg said...

I'm glad you got to say goodbye. It's sometimes the hardest thing to say - and who knows, in your case it might very well be "till next time" - but I'm very glad you got what you needed.

And sometimes, when men's heads explode (and you know what I mean here, not the other kind of explosion!), it's for the best. He may not have realized that the actions=emotions in this case...but now he does. And that's all that matters.

Glad I could help...we all need a kick in the ass sometimes!

GirlGoyle said...

HOw does, I'll go with you...if you want, sound? Still too fearful?

Phollower said...

You know what they say about guys who leave big shoes to fill, right?

It means they were good to you.

What did you think I meant? Perv.

Scott and Lynne said...

Oh PG, your post made me cry. I'm so sorry. It's so hard to see someone you love walk away, my heart goes out to you.

Keep in touch with him, maybe one just never know.


Party Girl said...

Limpy: Although I hate those words and advice as well, it's also a philosophy I live by. So, there you go.

Bre: Yes, but at least I did and at least I have.

ptg: So am I. So am I.
Billy asked me if I thought he understood what I was trying to say because, " are pretty stupid."
I think he did, but I guess I may never know.
I am so thankful I said goodbye. So thankful I was able to set my stubbornness aside and not think about the 'friend' who stabbed me in the back. So thankful you decided to post a comment.
Live is simple in all of its complexities sometimes.

GG: No, not fearful. Not very forceful either. I think it's a matter that needs to have some commitment and force behind it.

Ph: Ugh! I am so glad you didn't say what I, as the perv, thought you were going to. I almost deleted that line in the post several times because I didn't want someone to run with it. Thanks for not running with it and going the mushy route instead.

He was good for and to me. He really was.

Lynn: Yes. I don't know, maybe it's hard because of my age and I haven't dealt with this kind of hurt and heartache before now, maybe it never gets easier. I don't know.
Rest assured though, I will keep all of you posted on the future.