Friday, June 29, 2007

Free boob job! Get your free boob job here!

Flipping through the local paper the other day I saw an add promoting the wonderfully educational program known as "Girls Gone Wild." A premise that is missed on me. Lots and lots of girls who are, I am assuming, wishful, and hopeful, that they are drunk thus they can't control their urge to flash their breaststeses at the camera and a guy has made gazillions from it, once again showing how wonderfully smart, and bright our young ladies are shown to be. Alrighty. Opps, soapbox moment.

Anyway, half of the ad was a huge promo stating that some lucky lady could win a free boob job! Now. "Free" and "Boob job" are two words (or three words. I guess it depends on how you take the word "job") that I think belong together. I'm also sure some lucky (or unlucky) lady will walk away with silicone disks in her chest (hopefully they will end up straight, pointy and perky) and she will call herself happy. (Or Bunny. Or Crystal Chandelier. Or Champagne Showers.)
But, this got me wondering what I would be willing to do to fix myself and then it go me to wonder what you all would do to fix yourselves.

Me, first.

The thought of sticking something unnatural, ala silicon, in my body isn't a pleasant thought. After watching several boob jobs being performed on health and science shows, Yawza! I don't really want my areola cut off and then stuffed like a Thanksgiving day turkey, but that's me. Doesn't mean I never would if the need so arises, just not my first choice. Maybe having the procedure through my belly button, but not stuffed like a bird.
Liposuction. Yeah. That looks painful. An instrument being jabbed and stabbed into my flesh. Hmm. I'll pass.
Basically I'm all for the non-evasive, non-pain filled procedures that won't cause me pain or any recovery time.

Here's my list:
Professional teeth whitening. I love those little stripes. I'm a big fan of my whitening toothpaste, all for the tarter control (which how much tarter does the mass public have on their teeth? I mean they are always improving the tarter control. Sheesh. Brush, people, brush.) but I would love to go and have it professionally done.

Lasik eye surgery. The thought of having a razor blade coming at my eyeball is a bit disconcerting. The fact that I would have to be awake during it makes me shake. The fact that I would be awake and thus would see the razor blade coming at my eyeball? That freaks me out. However, being able to see first thing in the morning is definitely something I didn't fully appreciate when it was possible to do so; you know, before Corporate America and the computer robbed me of that simple joy and pleasure. So if I have to endure a razor blade coming at my open eyeball so I can see when I stumble out of bed, then so be it.

Permanent hair removal. Everywhere but my head (the big one, not the little one) and my eyebrows. Why? I hate hair and I would like that five minutes back in the morning.

Yeah. That's pretty much it. I know, boring. But with my luck I would do something crazy and not look like myself or I would cause permanent damage to myself in some horrible and horrific way and be stuck with my vanity mistake forever. So, I'll stick with boring. How about you all?


Bre said...

I had my boobs reduced a few years ago - and it hurt like hell! Enough to scare me away from plastic surgery again! I'd go for professional teeth whitening though!

Nick said...

I've seriously considered a liposuction/skin removal around my waist. I used to be pretty fat (around 265), and worked my ass off to not be anymore. Currently I'm at 175 since I'm in the middle of triathlon training again.

It was a major lifestyle change, and I could never look back. I did it all naturally through diet and exercise, and am very proud of the accomplishment.

Yet I still have a spare tire. I can do a frickin Olympic distance tri, and I have a freakin spare tire! I actually think the majority is excess skin.

So I'm thinking of having it cut off, and being done with it. Gone forever, just like the fat guy I never want to be again.

limpy99 said...

Even I'm not sleazy enough to buy a "Girls Gone While" disc. And that's saying something!!

I'm not a plastic surgery kind of guy. I hate fake boobs. Nick's situation sounds like a legit reason to pursue it; a lot of other reasons just seem poorly thought out. I saw one show where a gorgeous girl wanted a rib removed so she could be more "even"

Even the plastic surgeon said no.

ptg said...

Hmmm...Lasik would be great. Boob job? No thanks. I have enough of those - I don't need no plastic enhancement over here! However, when the incubating of the chill'ns is done, I may think about having the girls returned to their rightful locations, thank you very much. But lipo? Ahhh....the beauty of not having to work while looking like you did. While I applaud Nick for working has ass off to get where he is now, I've been a gymgoer since the age of 20 and have yet to see single digits on my clothing tags. Anyway - the thought has occurred to me, and while thinking about having a plastic rod shoved up my skin to loosen the fat and remove it isn't the most pleasant thought around, the fact that it would be gone is a great thought indeed. So I would probably do that too.

Oh yea, and possibly an eyelid lift. The one characteristic I got from my dad? A freaking droopy eye. Squinty eye, even. And that sucks, because it's only one eye.

Party Girl said...

Bre: I've heard boob reduction is THE most painful plastic surgery a person can have done. Yowza!

Nick: I say, do it. I mean, you've put in all of the work so you should do the final reward if it will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.
An awesome accomplishment, awesome!

Limpy: "Even?" What? Her ribs weren't even, her boobs weren't even, her head wasn't even...what was "uneven" about her?
See. The reason she probably thought she was "uneven" besides missing brain cells and thought processes, was her addiction to shows like, "The Swan" and "Dr. 90210."

ptg: I get the lipo and lift.
My problem with the lipo, besides the pain, would be fear of putting all the fat back in me...quickly. You know, have all the work and pain only to put all the fat back on me within a year or whatever. about pain!

limpy99 said...

She thought her waist looked uneven. And I think it was on "Dr. 90210" I keep watching that show waiting for his wife to finally snap and kill him. It's gonna happen.

GirlGoyle said...

Hummm...I'm with Nick on this one. I have the luxury of being well endowed. All excess so no need to implant anything. Though it would be nice to finally have orange peel free skin so a little liposuction I think I could handle. Oh ...and hello?? Italian here! Hair removal goes without saying! Zap the stuff right off!