Sunday, April 13, 2008

issues

Issues. We've all got 'em. Whether it be in terms of relationships, food, water, germs, heights; people have issues. Some people have a few months worth and some people have a few years worth of issues, but still, we all have our things.

I've been pretty open about mine, but just a recap: relationships and in terms of walls, guards, expressing my emotions openly and making myself vulnerable. I'm not good at expressing my emotions about love, like, and affection. I'm not good at letting my guard down and it takes a lot to penetrate my walls.

Okay. So, no need to go into all of that. Nope, this is about how I thought I had gotten through some of my issues and how well, I really haven't been as successful as I thought.

So, there was Math Teacher (please note the past tense.) He was a good guy. I had a ridiculously good time with him. There were three really entertaining dates with great conversation and plenty of laughs. Those are all gold stars in my book. With Math Teacher I decided it was time to be vulnerable, time to let some of my guard down, be all shiny and new with this dating experience.
I let him pick me up from my apartment on the second date. (Although Mr. London picked me up from my apartment on our second date, I DO NOT let men know where I live. That's a no-no.) On our third date I invited him over to my apartment for a pre-date hang-out (absolute no-no) and we eneded up hanging out in my apartment nsetead of going out on the date I had planned. I was open about my like-ness for him. We talked about things that I normally reserve for....well, for when I really get to know someone.

And where did that get me? Well, let me tell you. End of third date: cuddling on the big ugly comfy couch, kissing, telling each other how much were digging each other and a spontaneous "You're very guarded. I haven't figured out why, yet, but you are." I felt like I had been punched in the chest, but I answer with, "Yes, I am. But if you stick around maybe you'll find out why." Pause "..and I'm a lot better than I used to be" this gets a response of, laugh, and not a happy laugh, it was a 'you've got to be kidding me' laugh followed by "you're better than you used to be? Yeah, good luck with that."

Um, ouch.

After a response like that I knew it was over and that it wasn't going to go anywhere. Yet again, he was another man who had put me a box of his making and didn't take the time to really get to know me. Oh well.
I tried so hard to break down some of my barriers and well, maybe that was the problem, I was trying. However, more importantly, maybe with a response like his, he wasn't worth letting my guard down for.

However, that brings me to another of my issues: sabotage.

St. Pat's Day. Out with friends from late afternoon until the bar closed. I ran into a guy I met over Christmas and due to phone tag, it didn't evolve into anything or go anywhere.
St. Pats with lots of green beer and the night it going to lead somewhere.

Cue to an hour or so later and it's me over at his place, sex, him spooning me like I was a life-preserver and me wanting to desperately leave. Not because I was afraid, but because that's what I do. It was just sex, a one-night thing, no need to hang around and swap pleasantries in the morning.
However, it was the middle of the early morning, dark, no idea where I was to be able to find my way out in the dark.
Poop stain.
So. There I lay, in his bed, wrapped up in legs and arms that aren't mine, and wanting to leave. I finally decide to try and catch a few hours of sleep.

I think I caught a few half hours of sleep and later in the week I caught a cold.
Finally with the dawn of the early morning sun, I found my clothes, said goodbye, and made my way out of the bed and into my car.

The point of this story: I haven't done that, random sex, or felt that way in a few years. I thought those feelings, that needlessness, was out of my system. I thought I had gotten to a point in my life where sex meant something. Nope. Still something I am working on and I cannot tell you how much that bothers me.

I'm still a work in progress and well, I guess at least I know that.

6 comments:

BlossomingWallFlower said...

Dude. Tell me he didn't actually SAY the "good luck with that" bit. Yeah, not really called for. What ever happened to letting people down easily? Really sorry 'bout that, PG. :(

Me? I've never been rejected before but I do have an AWESOME imagination, so vivid it's kept me gun-shy without ever once having handled my own pistol if you catch my drift. I'm sure real burns hurt but at least you're still putting yourself out there. Which is more than I can say for moi.

See? Issues: They're not just for breakfast anymore.

As for the random sex thing, wellll... you could probably look at that a lotta different ways. I'll assume the guy wasn't interested in connecting to you anymore than you were to him. Were you yourself seeing someone at the time? If not, then the only person you cheated was PG. And you can probably afford to cut her some slack, especially considering she'll likely be hanging around you for some time.

Perhaps the two of you can take that cue to discuss what sex really means to the both of you. You probably see it as intimate and personal; she might see it as more of a relief of sexual tension. But you won't really know until you sit down and talk it out.

Me and myself? We're bestest buds sharing a house mortgaged in both our names. Yeah, sometimes he's a real jerk to me but there are other times when he can be so sweet I wish I could stop shacking up and actually marry him... And I don't even LIKE guys mostly.

ptg said...

Aw, honey. *hugs*

First off, everyone - I don't care who they are - has issues. Issues that everyone else knows about, issues that everyone else knows and talk about behind your back, and your own private issues (or Idaho, as the case may be) that do not get published for all to see. Only a select few.

For some GUY (not man, but a guy) to call you on that and make you feel guilty and shameful for having them? FUCK him. Like he's God's gift to women, I'm sure!

As for the one night stand - everyone needs SOMETHING. Everyone wants to be needed, and held, and loved even if it's just in a certain way for a certain amount of time. The fact that you recognize what it was for what it was is pretty darn impressive. Don't worry about it.

Your issues, while huge to you, will not be a big deal to the right person for you.

Party Girl said...

flower: He actually said that. Not kidding. Everything on this here blog is the truth, the whole truth and most importantly, the truth as I see it, which is the only truth that matters.

Everyone gts rejected, the important thing is to keep putting yourself out there; it becomes to easy to let life pass you by.
I do take dating and boy breaks every now and again, but I think it's important to keep putting myself out there.

There is a response to your last comment on "inner dork" just in case you missed it.

ptg: you always say the right thing to me.

You're right, he was a guy, not a man.

The part about everyone needing someone...that is exactly what I said to a group of guys friends who were randomly throwing the word "slut" (hate that word) all over the place when talking about numbers and girls/guys one-night stands, sex ect. I was explaining that everyone needs someone and has needs and the need to feel loved and wanted even for a night.

I don't feel bad that I wanted sex, I was just surprised to find that I could/wanted to just get up and leave like I did in the past.

He wanted more, I didn't. I just wanted sex. I also just wanted to leave a lot sooner than I was able to.

limpy99 said...

You slut. (Can't figure out how to make winking thing out of punctuation.)

Wanna go to a baseball game?

Party Girl said...

limpy: I know, I'm such a whore. But not really.

Only if there is a lot of beer, hot dogs, beer and laughter and beer involved, then I am for it.

limpy99 said...

Deal. It would still be cheaper than taking my kids to the game. Hot dogs, ice cream, souvenier, (sp?), cotton candy, soda, lemonade, cracker jacks etc. etc.