Wednesday, October 01, 2008

a jumble full of mess

Hmmmm, so much has happened, but no idea where to start.

Therapy is going well. My therapist has the ability to say a word or a sentence that has the power to knock the breath out of me and rattle my brain around in its cage. This is a good thing, just makes for a quiet and introspective rest of my day.

With my last post and the weekend of my migraine and mass painting adventure, I discovered that I never loved myself. Now, had someone pointed that out to me, I would have fought tooth and nail against that claim, but I found it out for myself. Sad, but true. Liked myself a whole lot....or maybe that isn't even true...just didn't love me. I am working on this. I've already made progress in this area.

On a side note: I have self-esteem that I should not have. How I can have high self-esteem without loving myself, don't know, but I do.
I think.

I have slept four nights in a row...and taken a long nap. This is exciting news. (please let this become a trend.)

I'm not sure I will graduate with an MPP degree.
I'm not sure I want to.
I'm not entirely sure I'm supposed to be here.
My therapist thinks I am supposed to be here.
"Here" is college. Grad school more specifically.

Why don't I think I will graduate: Cost-Benefit Analysis. Heavy on the math, heavier on the econ. Not good for PG. Not good at all.
Now, I always did well in my undergrad math classes and here's why: lots and lots of tutoring help. Like, 8 hours a week, help.
But, I also don't know that I want to graduate. I don't want to give-up or quit. No, no, no. I would finish out my two years, but no degree.

I've met with my advisor, talked with the professor of CBA, talked with a few other people and I'm still looking at my options. I've asked what the difference will be between a masters vs no masters, but two years of study towards a masters with almost 20+ years of work experience. No one can seem to answer this question. They all think it's a great question, but no one can seem to answer it. I am still on my pursuit of this information.

Why all of this matters and is making me even more introspective than before: because my therapist said one of her knock the wind out of me comments which was (to paraphrase) that given everything I've been through I might not even know who I really am.



This had already occurred to me over the summer. Little things here and there that I was realizing about little ol me. So given all of the schtuff from the summer, plus this fall, plus me and how I feel towards school, maybe I chose wrong. (Think Indiana Jones when he picks the Holy Grail)

I dunnno.
Just some thoughts going through the head of me.
I'm sure there will be more...many come. (Thoughts, that is.) (Or, thoughts that are.)

In the meantime, I'm having a really hard time caring. Not about life, no, no, no, about school. I really just want to work on me and take care of me. I've put that off for so long and now I'm finally ready to dive head first into all of it and well, there's all that school crap coming into play.

Oh, and given the fact that I hate one of my prof, that is not helping. (He made my best gal cry in his office and I worked up quite the fire in me giving my presentation in front of my peers over my subject matter that I will be writing my research paper on. Something about him rolling his eyes at me and giving me a hard time about the subject (birth control and U.S. Policy 1850-to present) even though everything on the outline is what he told me to include.) Yeah, I was a bit testy and "fiery" to use my peers terms. I.had.taken.enough.shit. I stopped my presentation and asked him why he was rolling his eyes at me. Yep.

That was a tad whiny. I apologize. Well, not really.


I'll hopefully post the work by me, the artist, later this week.


Jay said...

Your professor was rolling his eyes at you because he thinks he can without having to answer for it.

What's amusing about that is this: your in Grad school. Unlike undergrad, you're expected to be able to think for yourself. An undergrad is expected, right or wrong, to be sponges and soak up whatever information is being given without input of their own. Fight against your undergrad prof.'s political ideology and you are asking for trouble. As a grad student, on the other hand, creativity and the ability to argue and defend your own world view is an absolute necessity.

Party Girl said...

Jay: So I did good or I over-reacted?

I will say, it was obvious I was pissed and the worst part? I had to sit for the next 2.5 hours (very pissed) and listen to everyone elses presentation, cause, yep, I got to go first.
Jerk-wad prof.

Jay said...

You did good.

Grad school is where it's OK to stick up for yourself. :-)

ptg said...

I agree with Jay. And I agree that it is good to stick up for yourself and really tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.

But that's just me.

Glad to hear the sleep is improving. I bet it's nice. :o)

Lots of thoughts rolling around in my head, not enough time to discern them. But I'm happy for you, PG. Very, very happy for you.

Party Girl said...

Jay: thanks. There's a fire burning inside me and it isn't from my pee.

ptg: Okay, I kind of forgot everything that I wrote about and all I could remember was all the stuff dealing with wanting to drop out of school, stupid people from school, and all of that.
So when I read your comment, I thought, huh? what the hell?

Then I re-read what I wrote and I remembered all the other stuff, the good stuff and I thought, ahhhhh (to you, not me) thanks!

I'm a work in progress (aren't we all) and in years past I said I "was not a mystery unto myself" turns out I am. A huge mystery.