Friday, November 21, 2008

what taking control feels like

So, this was supposed to be an uneventful week and heavy on the homework so that I could relax starting yesterday.

Instead, it started out heavy on the homework and ended heavy into the continued drama.

The short of it: BJ has suddenly started to join in the group during class breaks and has been laying on the snide comments heavily this week. One comment about me was made to our professor. Nice and nothing unprofessional or inappropriate about that, at all.

On Tuesday I decided to leave the table and sit by myself on the opposite side, and out of view, of our break area. I felt really good about my decision and very in control. Go, me!

Then, he made the comment to the professor.


I felt fine Tuesday night. But, then the insomnia came back that night...I am still not sleeping great, but the full-on insomnia has been gone since the end of October. Then the emotions came on Wednesday. Verge of tears, stomach in fiery knots, could not I made an emergency appointment with my therapist.

We met, we talked, she set-up an appointment with a doctor for a med consult and also set-up an appointment for me to meet with the rape crisis counselor on campus to see what can be done with BJ in terms of keeping him away from me.

Wednesday I got two prescriptions: one for anxiety, one for sleep. Both can be taken sporadically and as I see fit. So, not everyday.

Yesterday, I felt really great, but completely exhausted from insomnia and also the anxiety med causes drowsiness, but the meds are awesome.

I went out last night with some friends from work, which was new and nice and I had a great time.

Then this morning I received a text message from my best gal asking me "...are you okay, did something happen?"

I was great and I had no idea about anything happening. So I called her.

Last night, BJ sent out a drunk-typed email at 1:50 this morning.

I am sorry to all of you about what has happened. I admit that what I did that night was wrong. None of you should be involved in this, but you are. I find it ridiculous and juvenile that this is even taking place, but it is. Therefore, I find it necessary to apologize for the current state of affairs among us, and to hope that you will judge me for who I am; a human being. I never intended for anything to happen. I got drunk, and I did things I am not proud of. However, for this to go on for more than three months is unacceptable. What happens happens, and you are not the ones that should deal with it.

I am not and do not pretend to be a perfect or even good person sometimes. But I, and you, do not deserve this.

Here's the thing: the group has no idea what is going on. They know I do not want to be around him, but they do not know why. Also, he never states that it is me, that he is talking, slightly confusing. But more importantly, the group did not know what happened. Congrats, BJ, you just outed yourself.

I called the other male in our group (Matt) to ask him what brought this about. Matt and I talked and he (Matt) (and I am sure, BJ) felt that it was because of me that we all don't hang-out anymore and that I should just forget about the whole thing and move on.

I explained that us not all hanging out anymore, has nothing to do with me. We all have different lives than we did this time last year. The only person who knew what is/was going on is my best gal, as she was the only one who knew until Tuesday, when I told another friend. Any animosity amongst us, has nothing to do with me.
I also asked Matt how he would feel if this had happened to his sister. He changed his tune about the "forget and move on." I think I got through to him with that comment and we ended (I think) on a good note.

After many emails being exchanged today between BJ and my best gal (she sticking up for me, him still not getting it) (me wanting to send my own email, but resisting) which were forwarded to me.

Today I had my regular appointment with my therapist and then my appointment with the crisis counselor.

Short story long, I am giving myself the weekend to think about it, but I am 100% sure that on Monday I will issue a no contact order against BJ.

I can determine how I want it to be worded. I can have him removed from classes and I can have myself removed from classes, but (as of now) I have decided not to do that. I am asking (as of now) that he just stay X amount of feet way from me when we are not in class and should we run into each other outside of school. He is not to make eye contact or speak to me, no more snide comments, if I am with the group, he is not to join us, and if he is with the group, then I will not join them. The decscion of remaining in classes, he is finished with classes in December. I only have two weeks of classes left after we return from Turkey Break.

More importantly, come comprehensive exam time, I will get an accommodation to take the exams separately from everyone else. I don't want months of therapy progress to go down the drain on the most stressful day of my life, ya know?

As of now, I do not think I will tell any of my friends what actions I took (will be taking). I just don't want any of them to know, this might change. Oh, and he is not allowed to talk about it.

Pretty basic, really, but I feel so proud of myself. Taking control and taking action is hard and emotional and I am sure on Monday I will be all over the place emotionally (and on Tuesday when I meet for 2 hours with my therapist to talk about the actual events of the rapes) yeah, a break will be good. I need it. Thank goodness for meds and therapy. The massage I had scheduled today would have been amazing also, but I was 30 minutes late due to the above. So, yeah. A hot shower, my pajamas, and a good meal and perhaps a good beer will just have to do for tonight.


megan colleen said...

I hope you don't mind my barging in on this your journal. I came via Jay's journal... and I read this entry and thought Hmm this is so much like what I went through 10 years ago.

I just want to tell you that you are strong. You are brave. You are doing a very good job of taking care of yourself.

And that I admire you even without knowing all of the details. Despite not knowing the story what you are doing to protect yourself from someone who has hurt you is very admirable.

Again my apologies for barging in where I am not invited... but I just wanted to tell you that.

- Megan

Party Girl said...


Thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.

Also, everyone is welcome to join my world, no invitation is required.