Wednesday, March 07, 2007

from sexcapades to my world, what the hell?

Okay, so I've been meaning, wanting, and trying to write this post for some time now. Spurred on by OMC's comment on yesterday's post I feel I can finally write it.

Awhile ago I changed the blog from being called, "Sexcapades" to "Party Girl's World" for a few reasons: to make it more work friendly for all visitors and also for myself, but mainly because the blog had become so much more than just about sex and about my sex life, dating life, love life, and all things sexual in nature. In short, I wanted to and I felt it needed to be changed and broadened. I felt that would give the blog a chance to be more open in content for both myself and for those who read the blog and also no one would leave disappointed when they stopped by to read about sex and well, there wasn't any to be found.

Nope, still not solving the problem.

I'm changing, as people do, but I don't know quite how to articulate the changes that I am experiencing. However, I will give it my best PG try.

It started back in the summer with the posting of my rapes. It was the first time I really allowed myself to talk about them and it was also the first time I was really allowed to speak about them. I was uninterrupted and it was completely, totally, and nothing but- honest. In the past I was always interrupted or someone would interject or I felt the need to protect myself from the person who I was relaying the events to. For the first time, for the first time in over 15 years I was able to be open, honest, and trust those who I was telling about something that happened to me when I was 17 and again when I was 23.

As a result of this honesty and also confronting the past, I was angry. Good and angry. Furious. I had rage. I had rage and fury and I didn't know why. It took awhile for me to figure it all out, but I think I have. I was furious at what was taken from me when I was 17 and 23, but I was also furious about all the years in between. Not at who I was or who I had become, but furious that I didn't have a say or a choice in who that person was or had become. That choice was raped from me in a stranger's apartment on an August night in 1991 and again in my apartment on a summer night in 1997. I pretty much spent the summer of 2006 furious, but I didn't know why and I couldn't afford to take the time off from work or school to try and figure out why. So, it took a little longer than it needed to.

Thus, the transformation begins.

Not to limit it to just one thing; I am sure there are many, many external factors going on with me as well. In fact, I am absolutely positive about it.

School: Let's be honest, it's been a huge part of my life over the past 2.5 years. Anyone who goes to school for any length of time it is going to be a big part of their world. However, I was taking approximately 18 credits every 10 weeks and in the summer it was 18 credits every five weeks....fuckin' A that's a lot of time spent in school and not having any real free time.

Work: The job that was promised to me in the fall: it doesn't look like it is going to be approved after all. Hence, come the fall I am going to have to either quit or drop down to less than 20 hours a week and find another full-time job in the afternoon/evening. So, any kind of life plan has essentially been eliminated and a new one needs to be figured out. I'm not a 22 year-old who has just graduated with a degree and the whole world is in front of me. I am an (almost) 33 year-old and the whole world has been in front of me for sometime now. What I had planned and figured out in terms of a life and job has changed. I understand that's just how life goes. No, shit. Thanks for the update. Got any other words of wisdom? However, I am simply readjusting my plan and life goal. Unfortunately I don't have the slightest friggin' clue what that is or what that should be let alone what it will be.

Rediscovering who I am or various things that have been said to me over the past month by co-workers: Yeah, so I used to paint, sew, cook, make jewelery, bags, purses, and did quite a bit of photography; over the past 2.5 years and also over the past decade or so that was all lost. I am currently rediscovering all of the abandoned art projects, quilts, paint supplies, and various beads and I'm actually selling some of it.

Love life, dating life, the current victim known as the men I am dating and/or fucking:
Yeah. Who the fuck would have thought I could ever fall in love, would know what that felt like and that I could actually fall for a decent man. Needless to say the simple fact that I even let myself...without hesitation or question...let myself fall for someone well, it came as quite the shocker. I was, would, am, thinking about picking up what little life I have left here and moving half-way across the world simply to be closer to another person. If someone else told me they were thinking about doing that I would smack them upside the head and ask them if they were fucking crazy, to snap out of it, and what the fuck, are they an idiot? It's another person. Get a fucking clue, it's only a man. Oh look, there's a bus, I bet there's a man on it. The fact that he will be leaving me and moving to London? Well, that's simply my life and poetic.

Final grades, thesis, the end of school, and my life as a writer: The thesis, well, notice there hasn't been a "Whoo-hoo! I'm a Rock Star!" post. Yeah. I have been left to question everything and also any and all ability I thought I had. The love of writing and the love for the written word has been beaten out of me and not in the good fun dirty way either. Future endeavors, projects, and life dreams in that area are currently on hold and I don't know when, or if, they will resume. Grad school: also currently on hold. At this point it may be indefinitely.

Where the fuck am I going with this long-ass post? Basically I've changed from the person who went out to get laid, getting drunker than George the bum who has passed out in his own vomitage, and the girl who is giving her current date a blow-job in the back alley and wondering when it will end up on the Internet. I'm not saying I don't still have those tendencies, I'm not saying I'm going to stop that behavior. I am saying that behavior has been curbed over the past several months. I am saying I no longer find that behavior necessary. I am not saying I have any problem with that kind of behavior nor will I ever, ever condemn it. I'm simply saying I no longer need it. In short, I've changed from the Party Girl I was over a year ago when I first started this blog. I will continue to change. Right now, I feel I am going through something much bigger than even I am aware of. I am rediscovering and figuring out who the hell I am. I've become quiet and even more introspective than I was before. According to my Tai Chi instructor I "...ponder a lot." Yes, yes I do. This is simply another pondering that I am pondering though.

The walls that I had been so careful to build, craft, reinforce, and stay so well hidden in the deep depths of, have and are becoming knocked down. I have, am, and will continue to open myself up to those around me, to myself. I have become a much more open person to those in my life. I am no longer simply peaking over the edge of the wall. I am no longer feeling as if I won something because I didn't let, or allow someone the chance to know me. I am fully open. If someone rejects me, doesn't accept or like me for something I have to say or share with them, fuck it. Their loss. Not mine.

Basically, the rapes effected me more and in ways that I didn't fully realize, that I didn't understand, that I thought I had understood, and in ways that I refused to believe that they had. That's pretty huge.

I love and adore all of you and I thank you all for your various words, comments, posts, shout-outs, friendships, emails, phone calls, and text messages over the past year and a half. If you'll bear with me I hope and wish to continue the love and adoration in the years to come.

12 comments:

Jay said...

You keep writing whatever it is you want to write about. It's your blog. If someone doesn't like the content, for whatever reason, the best course of action on their part would be to simply stop reading.

While reader participation is is a good thing, ultimately this blog is about you and is your contribution to the blogosphere.

Which, I must say, is a most wonderful, intelligent, sexy, and interesting contribution indeed. :-)

limpy99 said...

So, does this mean we're not going to the back alley??

Keep writing what you're writing. It's always interesting.

Old Man Crowder said...

Yikes! Pretty safe to say that I wasn't quite expecting that response!

Good for you. I fully support people who want to constantly shake things up, reinvent themselves and keep it fresh.

I hope you don't think I was chastising you...Okay, so I was a little bit...but I was mostly teasing. Now I know better what to expect.

Karl said...

My overriding response here is a big smile. It's a miraculous ride, isn't it?

egan said...

This is heavy stuff. I'm glad to see you confront the demons of your past and make positive changes. This ties in very much to your comment on my blog. Good luck with your new direction.

GirlGoyle said...

Life is about trials and tribulations and you've had plenty. As a an avid reader of PG's page I have to say that so far you've passed them all with flying colors. I guess we all change and go through phases and at times cycle back but you've done well and I have a feeling that life has in store good things for you. As for the job, you are an intelligent, talented, independent and strong willed woman...I think that if the current job doesn't want you it's cuz they don't deserve you. What will come will surely be better.

Party Girl said...

Jay: Thank you for the kindness and kind words, always.
The blog has helped me become the person I am now. Odd. I never would have thought that when I started, but I am very thankful for the end results and for those that have yet to be realized.

Limpy: Thanks.

OMC: When I wrote that you spurred me on, I meant it only as a compliment...it's the push I needed to write the post and frankly I'm surprised it took someone so long to say something.
..and becareful what you ask, you never know what the end result will be with me. (wink)

Karl: Life is one hell of a roller coaster and I am thankful for that. I still say my life would make for a great reality show; although I think it would be lacking a lot of made-up drama as I hate drama and trauma.

Egan: It harkens back to something I posted about in January: that realization that my life is just starting to become interesting.

GG: Thanks for the compliments and adoration.
My boss very much wants me, but it all comes down to budget and politics. Right now the budget and politics are going elsewhere. As for where I will be going, I don't know. That's yet to be all figured out.
The major frustration is that the job has been on the table in front of me since last July. Proposal went in September. I've been poor and busting me ass by staying here and hoping for that proposal for over 5 years. (Full-time for 3 of that)
I also believe in the credo: becareful what you wish for, you just might get it. Perhaps this is one of those things.

Bre said...

This post is extremely powerful and a great example of why blogging can be such an important medium. Everyone shifts and grows but I don't know that we all realize how much we are shifting and growing until we can see it laid bare on the internet! I look back at old posts and wonder who the heck that self-centered shopaholic girl was, even knowing that part of her still exists in me. I think it's wonderful to move and morph and grow and truly fabulous to be able to get input from other people on how you're doing it.

You rock, sista!

Solomon Kane said...

I hope that your schooling has not turned you away from writing or doubting your abilities too much. Your abilities will wax and wan as time goes on. Just like your hobbies and intrests have and will continue to change. Just keep Kris Kristofferson's immortal words to heart, "Don't let the bastards get you down".

Party Girl said...

Bre: You always say the kindest words, thank you.
I agree, I will look back at past posts and just be embarrassed by the person I am reading and seeing, but that's how we grow, move forward, look back, and become better people.
I have no idea where I would be without the blog. I know that might sound silly, naive, odd, but it's true. From a diary account, to friendships, to being able to speak freely, unedited, openly, honestly.

Sure, there are comments, those who come along and just want to fight, knock us down, ect. But think how powerful that is. To have open dialouge with yourself and with others. Pretty friggin awesome.

Steven Novak said...

Wow...this is some serious reding for my Monday morning.

Good for you though...change can be difficult.

Best of luck to you kiddo.

Steve~

Neil said...

I think it's great to change the focus of your blog as you change. I look forward to reading more...