Monday, January 21, 2008

the two words I am longing to hear

What are those two little words?
Are they; love you, like you, call you, call me, see you, fuck you, fuck me, eat me, dinner, tonight?, you're awesome, you're adorable, you're intelligent, you're beautiful.
None of those.
The two words I long, yearn, to hear from someone; more specifically someone who I am dating, are "...and you?"

So simple. So easy. So un-self absorbed. Yet, yet, those are two little words which I rarely hear. Rarely.

Perhaps I am part of the problem, but my attitude and thinking are, if you're not interested, or if you do not care enough to ask, then I do not and will not care enough to tell you.

I know, how silly of me. But truly, if a person cannot muster the verbiage to ask, "Hey, honey, how was your day?" Then where is my motivation to tell you? To me it says, "I don't give a damn about you or about your day."
Perhaps that is wrong, but that's what it says to me.

Where is this coming from?
Oh, why, let me tell you.
After a second date with the Guy Who Does Not Drink, and not being asked one, not one, not one tiny, little, small, smidgeon of a question about myself, my frustration has hit a wall.
I saw the writing on the wall before the first date, but I am trying to break old ways and old habits and see past things and past old behavior of dismissing people before I have a chance to get to know them. So, I went out on a first date. First date was enjoyable, but the only reason there were any words and vocal chord usage on my part is because I would interject a story or a witty anecdote here and there.
Writing on the wall was screaming at me say, hitting me on the head if you will, but I went out on a second date on Saturday. After two hours of no questions being sent my way and several stifled yawns on my part, I knew there would be no third date.

Now, I can see how perhaps this doesn't seem like a big deal. I understand that in a long-term relationship the "...and you?" can go to the wayside. I understand. I've been in a few long-term relationships. But, if the "...and you?" is not there in the beginning, then there is no hope that it will be there in a month, six months, or a year. It just won't happen.
I can also see where you may be saying, "Hey, why don't you just say something to him..." Also an excellent point. However, it's not as if he is the first person that I've encountered this with. It is also not a gender specific issue. There is also the point of, he is in his mid-thirties and if he doesn't know the proper way to carry on a conversation I don't think it is my job to teach him. Hell, I don't want to teach him. There's enough training (from both people) that comes into play with dating, the proper way to carry on a conversation is not one more thing I care to add to the list.

Again, I can still see where you might be thinking, what's the big deal? Sure, I understand. Let me explain: Say you're in school, there is no question as to what I am in school for.
Say, you're new to town, there is no question as to where I am originally from.
Say, you've been to a few countries outside of the U.S., but there is no question as to why, where, when, how, with whom.
Say, you've had a really interesting day, but there is no question as to why it was interesting (or bad, or good, or sad, or happy.)
Say, you went to see a band the night before, but there is no question as to who, where, what.
Say, you're thirty-three years old and left a pretty decent life to pursue the above, wouldn't you be curious as to why? Yet, there is no question to the why.
Say, you are a really interesting person with some really great and lively stories, but the person doesn't know how to get to those stories.
Sure, I interject and provide some of those stories and win the person over with my stunning personality, but my point is that I would like to be asked to inject. I would like the person to care, to be interested enough to ask about me.

So, men, women, all others who read this here blog, please, for the love of god and for all healthy relationships, ask your significant others, whether they be lovers or friends, "...and you?" I can guarantee it will make all the difference in the world. Because everyone likes to talk about themselves. Everyone has stories. Everyone has something to give. And everyone likes to be asked to give a witty story and everyone likes to be asked, "...and you."


Brody said...

Excellent advice.

Old Man Crowder said...

Eat me. And you.

Airam said...

There is nothing wrong with thinking this. Some people need to get their head from out of their ass and realize there are people around them and though they may think so, they are not the only being left on this earth.

Bre said...

The best men are the men who really, you know, care about folks other than themselves.

Party Girl said...

Brody: Oh, why, thank you.

OMC: Wait, I have to eat you and me too? Gesh, talk about making a girl work.
Not to mention the talent and bendability of the girl.

Airam: Note to self: stop dating self-absorded men.

Bre: which is why they are called men and not guys or boys.
I learned this a few years ago: no more dating guys, time to start dating men.
Sadly, they are hard to find because some lucky lady (who hopefully appreciates what she has) already has him.
Or in my case, was too stupid to realize what they had at the time.

Jay said...

If you were going out on dates with me,(wink-wink nudge-nudge,) this wouldn't be happening to you.

Besides, most of my conversations while out and about inevitably sink down to discussions about sex, BDSM, anal-fisting, etc., and I would always want your point-of-view! ;-)

limpy99 said...

While you make many valid points here, I'm still puzzled over how someone with the nom de plume, (that's French for "asshole"), "Guy Who Does Not Drink" got a first date, let alone a second one.

I await your answer.

Party Girl said...

Jay: And since I have opinions on all the above, well, my tit for tat (if you will) point-of-view would be given on those subjects and a few others...just to make the conversation interesting.

Limpy: I know, right?
Well, after asking him (a few) (several) times why he doesn't drink and if he cares that I do, he stated he did not drink because he would be good at it. i.e. alcoholism runs in the family.

I told him, as I am from German decent, alcoholism is what I call lunch and I believe in doing things I am good at, repeatedly.

He said, as long as I don't drink to get drunk there wouldn't be a problem.
I told him I don't do that.
Or as I like to call it, I lied.

I don't think he is an asshole, I just think he is a guy without a clue. Or as I call them, what have been my dates lately.

**Also, I hadn't heard from him, so I thought the coast was clear and he picked up on the fact that I left the restuarant on Saturday without much of a thanks or see ya later, have a nice life, or any advance that I wanted to see him again. Whew! Saved!
Alas, two communications today. Crap-o-la.
I am so bad at this part.
I know, I know, just be honest. Please, when was that ever a good idea? Plus, I don't want to hurt his feelings, which, I know, why should I care, right? Well, because I am a Party Girl with a heart. No, it's true. It's located betwee my boobs. Or under one boob, I forget. Anyway, ech,
Okay, you choose:
A) I don't feel any chemistry between us.

B) You're a really bad conversationalist. (Which, ironically he has told me how much he has enjoyed our (his) conversations.)

C) The oldie but goodie: it's not you, it's me.

D) School, life is taking up too much of my time. (Also known as a deeper expansion of "C")

E) Thanks for the free dinner, have a nice life?

Thanks, you're the most bestest.

Appletini said...

Point very well taken :)

No third date sounds good.

ptg said...

I like option A - the no chemistry. No need to go into the fact that he SUCKS at dating.

I must admit, while I occasionally miss the opportunity to whoop it up and go out with my girlfriends (and guyfriends, for that matter) - I don't always miss dating. And dealing with idiots.

And you? or What about you? are essential to learning about someone, I admit.

Amit said...

Were you wearing any cleavage-revealing clothing? Or maybe he was mesmerized by your beauty. That way, at least there could be an explanation for his cluelessness.

puerileuwaite said...

Then you would LOVE dating Yours Truly! You see, I have a nervous tic along with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Couple in the adrenaline of being with someone as hot as yourself, and I am a wreck!

And so you could look forward to me incessantly blurting out "And you?" after almost every statement.

Here are some examples:

I need to go to the restroom. And you?

I'm allergic to shellfish. And you?

I think that making love to Rosie O'Donnell would be creepily similar to making love to Ralph Kramden from "The Honeymooners". And you?

I forget my wallet. And you?

I often have the uncontrollable urge to veer my car into oncoming lanes of traffic. And you?

I often wonder why those couples in the Valtrex commercials don't wife-swap so that each couple is either Herpes-free or not. And you?

I had a wonderful time and I'll call you. And you?

Party Girl said...

ptg: it's exhausting and many times not worth the make-up.
Be glad you have hubs.

Amit: I thought that just went without saying.
What, you must be new here: yes, of course, that was the case.
Thanks for stopping by. Stop by often.

p: Excellent point on the herpes.
Now, if all of those who have herpes got together with all the men who have an ED problem, well....

limpy99 said...

Ooh, I got here late, but I'd have gone with either A or B to make sure there's no mistaking your intent, and then if I were you I'd start dating Pug, if only so the rest of us can read the results of each conversation.