Wednesday, July 11, 2007

self-doubt

Last week and continuing into this week has been the natural feeling of, what the holy crap am I doing and it is the right decision and am I screwing up my life in major and irreversible ways?
Or something like that.
The natural progression of emotions when a major life change is in the works (or eight major life changes, but whose counting and keeping track?) (well, I am.) One thing that is adding to and not helping the moving on of this natural feeling is that my current place of employment is not making it easy on me. Not making it easy because no one...no one...(no, really, not one single solitary person) wants me to leave. I hear (numerous) (numerous) times a day, "I'm happy for you, but I don't want you to leave." Sometimes it is a simple, "Please, don't leave." Sometimes it actually goes into a full sentence of, "I never thought you would leave and I think when it comes right down to it, you're ultimately not going to leave." and numerous variations thereof.
It's nice to be loved.
I LOVE it here.
I wanted to stay.
My boss wants (really, really, really, really, really, really, really) wants me to stay.
My co-workers, and those who I just generally bs with throughout the day, all want me to stay.
My co-boss (really, really, really, really, really, really) wants me to stay and ultimately she and I had a meeting with my boss-boss to try and convince her to get me to stay. But, (there is always a but) it's not up to my boss-boss, it is a much bigger machine (called state funding) than all of us. The place where I work is not creating any new jobs for the next two years. Mine would have been considered a new job (as it was re-worked and recreated to meet all of my needs, wants, and desires.)
So.
Not much choice.
I want to continue to do what I am, but for more money and in a greater capacity, but it's not going to happen. And I can't continue to be this poor and work five jobs. (no, really. I can't.)
So.
Off to grad school.
But, with all of the "Don't leaves" combined with no words of congratulations from the family, combined with the cycle of my own self-doubt, yeah. I'm questioning my decision.

On a completely unrelated front, after my econ test that I was sure I bombed (I actually didn't. I've already gotten the grade back. I truly most be learning through osmosis.) I decided I need beer. (Because beer makes everything better.)(And don't forget, smarter.)
I hit one bar and I had one beer.
Hit the second bar (and boy did my head hurt!) and had more than one beer. I think I had four...or five, I can't remember exactly. But however many it was, I paid for all of them.
Yep.
Not a single beverage was paid for by someone else. Now I did have conversation. I did have flirtation. I did have a proposition. But, not a dime, a dollar, a nickle was laid down on the bar for my beverage enjoyment.
I'm having doubts about my mo-jo.
Doubts about one's mo-jo is worse than doubts about ones future. Or is it that my future is in doubt over my mo-jo? I dunno. Either way I came home $20.00 shorter than when I left my house. And well, this girl is short enough.

11 comments:

limpy99 said...

I'd totally buy you a drink or 8.

As for the self-doubt about leaving your job, screw that! It doesn't sound like your employer's fault, but too bad. No one goes to work to maintain their amateur status. People go to work to make money to, oh, I don't know, live on. If you've outgrown that place, it's just time to go. No hard feelings, lots of hugs and kisses, but you need to pay the rent.

And, uh, my bar tab. Turns out I'm a little short.

HST said...

Speaking from someone who's never had a drink bought for her on her own accord, don't take it too personally, I'm sure your mojo is fine:)

You're making the right choice you know.....

M said...

I would buy you three beers!



http://migratingcoconuts.wordpress.com/

ptg said...

You're completely, totally, and 100%(ly) making the right choice. If you weren't, you wouldn't be questionning it now.

As for the mojo, dear PG, why on earth would you think it was not there?! Cmon, who is this writing?!

Will said...

Stop, stop, stop. I thought the decision was made cause we already came up with the best possible reason for you to move and go to grad school -- you'd be an hour and a half closer to me.

Case closed. Chin up. Move on.

Party Girl said...

Limpy: To hell you say! You mean people can actually pay their bills and sustain a reasonable lifestyle with this thing you call a job and this mysterious payment called a paycheck?!?!?!

Be gone with you, you man who tells me these myths and lies!

What's next? That a person doesn't need to work five jobs?
Ha!! I laugh at you and your foolish stories. I cannot be fooled!

hst: Okay, really? Not one drink has ever been bought for you? Really? A man has never come over, talked, flirted, bought your next drink?
Again with these lies and myths.

M: Okay, but I actually require about 4-5.

Or 8-9, but whatever.

ptg: I tell ya. Your degree is worth every dime. I hadn't thought of it that way. Doubt usually does equal natural move. If a person doens't question that's when I need to be questioning me and the choices.

Will: Yep. Which equals out to 104.49 miles closer.
Or something like that.
I dunno. That's what Mapquest said anyway.

Yeah. Today is going to be productive if I'm figuring out miles on Mapquest.

Nick said...

As to the self doubt because of lack of congrats from everyone... in this case I would say it's a compliment more than anything else.

They're all being greedy and self-concerned about their own well being because you won't be there anymore.

Is there any higher compliment, really?

Bre said...

It's going to be really (really really really really) hard to go. I know that for sure (After all, I did this two months ago!)

For me I was bumping against a ceiling professionally, financially I was not doing so hot, and here was this golden opportunity... but I couldn't take the folks I wanted to take with me.

It sucks, but it does get better.

Party Girl said...

Nick: So I work with a bunch of selfish bastards.

...

You know. That actually makes sense and I do feel better!

Bre: I missed the post on why you left and where you went to. But, yeah. I get it. I know it will get better. It already has, just hard in the meantime.

Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

I'm told frequently when I want to choke on my decisions borne of necessity that God won't throw anythign at you that you can't handle. Rather than qustion that, I often choose to put it in my pocket and take it with me. It ususally works.

The struggle is good, the fight worthy, the candidate mighty - (that one's mine) take it with you and remember all you've done and all you can do.

Yeah, the pills make you philosophical, too.

HST said...

Hey I can't change your mind if you think I'm a liar, but unless they were my friend and we were out together....NEVER HAPPENED. Why does no one believe me when I tell them this? Why do you people think I'm in THERAPY?!!!