Sunday, September 16, 2007

because it's time

The thing is, Brad wasn't the first one who I held my emotions for. He wasn't the first one who I set aside my thoughts and feelings for because they were with someone else, because life had other plans for them.

Brad was engaged and moved out to Seattle to try and work it out with his fiancee; even though he was in love with and wanted to be with me.
I said nothing except to wish him luck and promised to keep in touch. Now, he's gone and I will never be able to tell him how I felt about him.

Lloyd Dobler Wanna-Be who I dated a couple times a little over a year ago. Due to timing (i.e. my schedule of working full-time and going to night school full-time) I decided to just be friends with him. We kept in touch, but then, again do to my schedule, (See the above) I lost touch with him. I also started dating Mr. London. However, this past spring I got back in touch with him. He was back with his ex-girlfriend, but it was a touchy subject and he didn't like talking about her; so I respected this and didn't bring her up. We talked about all other subjects. However, I started to have feelings for him, but wasn't sure if they were still together. About the time I was ready to broach the subject he sent me an email in mid-August (right after I moved) thanking me for my friendship, saying that he was attracted to me and was foolish enough to let himself believe that one day maybe something could come of it, but he realized now he needed to concentrate on his relationship with his girlfriend and didn't believe it right to continue a friendship with me.

Instead of an email telling him how I felt, I instead told him I respected his decision, but was saddened by his revelation to discontinue our friendship. That was that.

Mr. London, no need to really recap in detail, simply put, he moved, I didn't have the courage to ask him to take me with him. I felt he was stressed enough with his life; moving across the world, he didn't need me to be one more stress and I also couldn't help but feel that my feelings toward him were too premature and foolish. We had only known each other about a month when he told me he was leaving; therefore my feelings weren't justified, or so I thought. He is now there, I am here, we email. I don't email as often as I would like because he is there and I am here and I feel I need to move on. (I am however to the point where I only read his emails to me twice instead four or five times. Progress.)

Last weekend I met someone. Today we had our first lunch date. I wasn't that excited about it, but Mr. London wrote in his last email (received on Friday)(read only twice) that I need to stop and smell the roses and not work so hard because this time goes by too fast. Seeing as how he didn't know about Brad or anything else, he was simply referring to my habit of over-scheduling and my penchant to work ump-teen jobs, I however, took this simple sentence to heart.

Brad died.

Lloyd Dobler told me he could no longer be my friend.

Mr. London is there and I am here.

I traveled to NYC, Greece, and Boston, and soon Budapest by myself, I moved and started grad school because I don't believe in putting my life on hold in all other aspects, so why am I holding onto this one, the biggest one; my love life?

So I went to lunch.

We sat out on the patio and enjoyed the lovely warm weather. I planned to only stay for two hours at the most. Three and half hours later I told him I had to get going. I still had to drive home. (oh, yeah. he lives back at old home-base.)(But of course.) I told him I would like to see him again and we could figure the logistics out later.
I didn't want to go, I just wanted to drive home. But I thought of Brad. I thought of Lloyd Dobler. I thought of London. I thought of taking time to smell the roses. I thought of myself and all of the times I held back. I thought of all of them while I was with the new guy. And again, I thought of myself and all the times I held back. I tried to stay in the moment. Because in order to move forward, to live in the present, I have to remember the past; in order to pick myself up and move into my future, I went to lunch.
And now I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks. I am crying over my past and lost moments, lost words, lost looks, pauses that turned into silences. Walls that were built. A heart, mind, body that had to be protected. Worrying about someone else and their feelings, their emotions, and setting mine aside. I need to move on. Because it's time. And so I went to lunch.


GirlGoyle said...

Brad you can't bring back and the other situations you can't fix at this point so your only choice in order to maintain sanity is to go to lunch. What gets me though is why is it that we all have to move on. When is it that we hold our ground and the timing is right? When is it that THEY turn around and speak up and from the heart? In my experience it's always been a day late and a dollar short. I wish men would grow some balls instead of watching life go by them.

Tom Serafini, Actor to the Stars! said...

I wish I had something profound to say. Something epic, poetic and comforting. This ride was never meant to be easy for sure but it i necessary.

Girlgoyle, I do know plenty of women who lack the balls to speak up and stand their ground. Fear and uncertanty are not gender specific.

I wonder though if this what we're meant for, that this is part of the learning process. Opportunity comes round often, maybe one day we'll learn to embrace the uncertain future instead of fear what we imagine it to be.

HST said...

I'm sitting here almost crying (I'm at work I have to maintain some composure) because a part of me would give anything to have a few men come back and tell me they made a big mistake. but all of the experiences I have had while I was completely open and ready have made me very closed and frightened now and I'm so happy for you that you are ready to open up, even though it hurts like a BITCH because some of us can't even imagine opening up again. mazel tov my dear.

Guilty Secret said...

I hope that writing that will help you to set it aside and move on. Love will find you.

Party Girl said...

These are simply the two most recent examples. There are so many more.

I think men are just as afraid as women are. Men have been hurt, men have pasts, men have been rejected. Thus they are scarred and scared as well.

Looking back I absolutely see my missed moment with London. The night he came over to tell me he was moving he said, "...well that went a lot better than it did in my head." When I asked him what he meant and I, of course, gave a soothing and calm response he said, "I don't know...I don't know what I expected."

Maybe he was expecting me to fight and ask to move with him. I may never know.

With LD when he sent me the email I thought about telling him how I was feeling, but at the same time I didn't want to add to his confusion and add to what he was already feeling. Again, it mattered more to me how the man was feeling than how I felt.

I don't want to be percieved as the emotional one, the "psycho" that men are so quick to label women as. I don't want them to see my cry or be emotional about them. I want to be the cool chick, the friend... so I am.

Fuck it. Time to worry about how I feel and about what I want. Time to put myself on the line. Because it's time and I deserve it.

Jay said...

*raises glass*

Here's to many more lunches.

Michelle said...

These are the life experiences that you learn from, and there will be a next time, and that next time you'll know what to do. Moving on is so hard, but it only makes you stronger and wiser :)

Here's a quote I've heard somewhere before, "Do one thing everyday that scares you."

Bre said...

I don't know if there are words for me to use to tell you how beautiful and heart wrenching this post is. Well, I suppose I just did that a bit, but really, this is some powerful, powerful stuff!

I can't help but be amazed at how strong and brave it is of you to go to lunch - I'd like to think that I'm that brave, but really I don't know that I am.

Party Girl said...

Jay: *clinks glass and takes a drink*

Michelle: when it comes to life I have no worries or problems with doing scary things. When it comes to love...well...

Bre: Oh, honey thank you for your kind words. But here's the thing, I think the same thing about you.

Funny, huh?

I wish you all knew how wonderful and brave I think you all are in your own special ways.

Party Girl said...

Score one for me: I sent the follow-up email thanking him again for a great afternoon and the "I look forward to getting to know you better..." email.

Email...huh, remember when the phone played an intergral part in relationships?

Maybe that's part of the problem.

appletini said...

I loved your post. You completely pulled me into your heart.
We all have to just move on, eventually.

I am glad that you went to lunch :)

Airam said...

This post brought tears to my eyes.

Bob said...

Ditto what airam said...

PG, you have it right... Guys are scared, scarred and spent too much time looking in the rear view mirror.

Carry forward! Here's to long lunches!!!

limpy99 said...

One can only imagine what dinner brings.

ptg said...

I have to admit - I would have never even gone on a date with my hubs if he hadn't put it all out on the line one night. He made it ok to open up, ok to even think about trying, about "lunching", as it were.

So I definitely think men are as scared as we are, if not more.

Kudos on your bravery. It won't be easy to break down the walls, or to even try to climb then, or even see over them sometimes (!), but the fact that you're trying is huge.

That alone makes all the difference in the world.

It's time, indeed.