Monday, August 07, 2006

I'm sorry, but your orgasm will have to wait at least three weeks

I ordered some more toys a few weeks ago. (There are two key words in that sentence. Can you find what they are?)
I believe in the theory that a girl can never have too many toys.
Since I am a gal that doesn't have time to date right now, I am all about the toys at the moment.
(It's an addiction I don't want to be cured of.)

So, I received an email on July 26th stating that the toys I ordered a few days earlier had been mailed.
I've come home from work each day with eager anticipation of said toys being inside my mailbox. (Sure run with the pun.)

They didn't come.

They didn't come.

They didn't come.

They didn't come.

They didn't come, so I didn't cum.

Sure, I have plenty of others, but I want these.
I've thought about them.
Fantasized about them.
Throbbed over them.

After 10 days of waiting, I called.

Now, I had ideas about what the customer service department would be like at Adam&, but Howdy Doody slap my ass, that customer service was just like I thought it would be, comical. I mean they are dealing with orders for: Big Blue Waterproof Vibe and Super Suck-Hers. Not to mention the Wild Rider Vibrator and don't even get me started on the Vibrating Slick Lips or the Wascally Wabbit or the Mr. Softee Dong. (None of which are the toys I am throbbing over.)

So, I tried the automated line in lue of talking to a live person.

My first mistake was trying to speak into the phone instead of punching my account number into the phone.

My second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth mistakes were trying to speak into the phone instead of typing my account number in.
Finally the automated line had had it with my plain clear English and I get a real person. A real person with an accent and an attitude. I think her name was Cheryl, only she said it like,
Share-earl. All one word. No pause. That's how all of her sentences went. One-long-word.
I give her my account number. Actually, no she didn't ask for my account number come to think of it. No, I said, "Hi, yes, my order was shipped out on July 26th and I haven't received it, yet."
Share-earl: "It takes three weeks and it hasn't been quite three weeks, yet."
PG "It does?"
Share-earl: "Yes."
PG: "It takes three weeks to get something through the post office?"
Now, the above sentence was said with a bit of a shrill tone to it. More of a laugh-shrill than a, "I want to put you into a beat down," kind of shrill.
Share-earl: "Yes. We say that in the order unless you want to pay an extra $15 for next-day delivery."
Now, I like things in a hurry and I'm a bit impatient, and I do want my orgasms to happen quick-like and in multiples and to happen as often and frequently as possible but, $15 for shipping on sex toys??!?!?!? I don't be thinkin' so. So, I apparently went the, lazy cheap it'll take three weeks, route.

So, I wait.
I throb.
I have others.
I want those.
I want those because I don't have them and apparently I may be waiting another ten days for them.


Sometimes life as a single gal can be so hard.
Sometimes life as a single gal is lacking a hardness factor.


redbloodedboy said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

That's why typing is so fundamental. It allows you to develop muscles in your hands that will remain unmatched by anything with batteries or made of synthetic materials.

Trust me on this one. Seriously, trust me.

And, yes, I'm kinda back.

Bre said...

Luckily enough for me, one of my college roommates has an older sister that sells sex toys for a living - customer service is pretty darn easy!

Hope your relief comes soon!

puerileuwaite said...

Anticipa. The "other" "tion".

TrappedInColorado said...

I'm logged on the Orbitz.. give me an airport to fly into.. you don't have to wait 10 days... I am a great toy...I'm interactive.. long lasting batteries... I can make noise or be silent...lots of attachments... see a movie afterwards, too! just sayin..

Jay said...

Tired of all the same old toys with all the hard to use attachments that break on you in less than a week and runs out of batteries in less than an hour? If so, have we got a new toy for you!!!

Presenting the slightly used Jay!!!!

Patent Pending.

Yes, the Jay comes with no attachments whatsoever! His tongue, his fingers, his 6 1/2 inch penis are ALL REAL!!!!!

No assembly required. Just feed your Jay 3 times a day and stroke his ego at least once a day and your Jay will last FOREVER!!!!!

He slices, he dices, Jay makes great homefries!!!!

No plastic Tonka toys here folks. Jay is the REAL THING!!!!!!!!!!

For only 3 easy payments of your everlasting soul, Jay can be yours!

Act now. Don't delay!

Mark said...

Well at least you didn't buy them on eBay...
I think the funniest thing would be to have a sex toy with my name on it... super tongue or something like that...

jmeped said...

Well I hope it's worth the wait. Just don't put yourself in a coma before you give us the reviews.

Dirty Bunny said...

You should check out "Slumberparties". They rock. I've actually thought about becoming a distributor. I have this habit of being told, "Barb, TMI." when it comes to sex, but then there are others who actually take an interest. Anyway, I hope your goodies arrive soon, so you can get some relief.

puerileuwaite said...

Avoid the solar-powered models. You'd never get your friggin' neighbors in from their balconies.
Oh, and never order from Amazon, unless you wanna walk bow-legged like Xena.

Party Girl said...

redblooded: Well, slap my ass and tweak my nipples! nice to see you.

Bre: Now, that's the kind of, at your door service, I could handle.

P: You have no idea.

Trapped: If you're looged onto Orbitz, I want to go somewhere other than my state, my town. I want a real vaca with you as my toy.
Just sayin'.

Jay: Ah, the slightly used, Jay.
Well, I'm a slightly used Party Girl, so I think we would make a great team.

My Jay only requires 3 meals a day + 1 ego stroking? Personally, I like my ego stroked at least twice a day, minimum, and for longer than 10 minutes, but that's just me.
I have a feeling this is a requirement Jay could meet.

Only 3 easy payments of my everlasting soul?
Where do I need to lick, er, sign?

Mark: Um, ew. ebay, toys? Ew. All I can think of are very used toys being sold. Ew.

jm: reviews with be coming as soon as I do. Coma will be happening. I, just like Sleepy Beauty, can be awakened with a kiss, or a good tongue lashing.

Dirty bunny: I've been to a few of those I've told I should be a consultant. I just laugh at that. I think I have a lot of toys now? Yeah, make me a consultant. At least I could give an honest review.
Speaking of reviews. I was trying to tell some girls about the wonders of glass toys.
Wow. Did their eyes glaze over and look at me all confused like.
Then they tried to tell me they saw a glass vibrator.
I was confused.
Do you mean a glass dildo?

Wow...more glazing of the eyes.

Apparently, I have more knowledge about toys than the average gal on the street.

P: Solar powered toys. Can imagine the frustration on cloudy days? Ohhhhhh, the cussing!

Mark said...

Hmm that makes me think of a new line for someone that's a great salesperson--
"You could sell solar-powered vibrators to eskimos"

The favorite of my wife's is the Hitachi Magic Wand... it can almost replace ME.

Egan said...

Best country in the world:


Egan said...

The key words were "more toys" right?

Party Girl said...

Mark: warms the holes right up!

Egan: My favorite nation to visit!

Yep, those would be the two.

Karl said...

I've been thinking about investing in some toys since it seems my next opportunity at sex will arrive around the same day the next ice age gets here.

puerileuwaite said...

"Your orgasm is very important to us. Please hold for the next available support agent."

puerileuwaite said...

This reminds me of a Nora Jones song.

Twisted DNA said...

"Sometimes life as a single gal is lacking a hardness factor."

If cringe if I have to wait for my movie DVD to arrive. I can imagine how hard it is to wait for those toys!

JustTerry said...

here is to hoping that your toys (and you) come soon

Yeah, him. said...

Just as someone has to take the customer service calls, someone puts down on their 1040 that they are a vibrator creator.

At least they know they are bringing happiness to others, which is a good thing.

Party Girl said...

Karl: I've always wondered how, 'real' the toys for males are. Let me know, will ya?

P: But, but, but...I don't wanna wait!!!

Really? What Snora, I mean, Nora song???

DNA: Sometimes, not hard at all....sigh...

Jerry: They came! They came! So, did I! SO did I!!

DAn: Makes me wonder what the bunnies at the Bunny Ranch must put down on their 1040's.

puerileuwaite said...

PG, here is the Snora Jones song your situation reminded me of:

Don't Know Why - Nora Jones
From the album "Come Away With Me"

I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind

Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone

My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind

Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come

Party Girl said...

P: Probably because she had to wait three weeks for her sex toys, just like me.

Got 'em by the way. Story of hillarity to follow soon.

puerileuwaite said...

You know what would add to the hilarity? If you thought about me during at least one spin. Then compare the time it took to "lift-off" with me, versus the other schmoes (Jay, Trapped, Me (again), Mark, Egan, Me (again), Karl, Twisted, Me (again), Dan, and a few of the ladies.

AeroAangel said...

i've had a similar experience with a less-than-reputable customer service line, only for a different type of product. i shall leave it unnamed, to protect my un-innocence, but at the very least, suffice it to say i also had to wait more than the expected 2-4 weeks that they told me it would be for delivery, and when i called them at 5 weeks, only to find it had not actually been shipped at all yet!?!? and that i'd have to wait even longer that i also had the feeling of omgwtf? (sorry for computer language), but even still i was less than willing to admit to them that i absolutely NEEDED it NOW! i mean c'mon, nobody really wants to admit to a customer service call center geek "yes, i'm really desparately awaiting my viagra order, can you tell me what is the hold up?" (pun intended)

puerileuwaite said...

Aeroangel brought up a good point.

I think it would be fun to be a customer service rep for these types of products. Due to the embarrassment factor, I would have most callers by the balls. Inquiries about missing Viagra orders in particular would be cruel fun.

Customer: "Where's my damn Viagra?!"
Me: "Sir, aren't you a big enough prick already?"

*Sigh* Such good times to be had.

puerileuwaite said...

Oops. I meant Enzyte. This confusion proves that I am not a user of these products. Phht! Like I really need them. Heck, I can impregnate women just being in the same room with 'em. That's how manly and virile I am. Just sayin'.

Party Girl said...

aero: Good to see you after all this time!!

P: I have to admit, I think I got off pretty easy with the operator. (Pun, actually wasn't intended) If I was her or any of them, I would ask what it was I was waiting for, make them name the product ect.

puerileuwaite said...

PG, I get that treatment ALL the time at the drug store. No matter how long the line is, the clerk feels that she just HAS to call out for a price check over the P.A. system.


Clerk: "I need a price check for a box of Trojans ... customer wants to know if there's a discount for extra-smalls, since less material is required."

Me: "No! I don't need a price check! She's lying!"

Clerk: "Sir, you are causing a scene. If you don't pipe down, I'll have security toss your shriveled manliness out the front door. Tell you what, why don't I just get your date some glasses from Aisle-1. That way you won't NEED the condoms at all."


(This is why I no longer date women from places where I shop.)