lube, vaginas and swallowing

I love the fact that everyone was able to be honest and asked some great follow-up questions AND called some bullshit on some women they encountered. I was planning on having today's post be about wetness, but as I was asked about swallowing and also about vagina size and stigmas there, I am combining all three.

Jay mentioned about women stating they need 12 inches to be satisfied. Jay I couldn't agree more and I am glad you called their bluff. I do know of some women who absolutely need a large man and they absolutely love to be pounded into. They also claim to be able to have an orgasm without any clit stimulation. Therefore, I don't know if they are full of shit all around or just magical creatures and aren't comfortable dispelling myths.(honestly, I know everyone is different) I am also glad you mentioned average penis size is 5 3/4 inches. I meant to mention this yesterday and forgot, so thank you.

Rob, I think porn has done a great disservice to many men and women and couples. The whole WOW! look at the professionals, I must be inadequate and therefore doing everything wrong. The John Holmes of the industry are sought out, they are larger than life (wow, didn't even mean to make that pun) and again are mythical creatures. To be in the presence of a large penis is a wondrous and magical thing. It's beautiful and wonderful, but all I want to do is pet it. There is no way I could do anything more with it.

Wavslidn brought up a couple good points from the last post and also from previous posts. A man can go around bragging about his size, but if a women mentioned her size and how big her vagina is then there is a whole other stigma attached to size. Women, like men, can not help or control her size, just as she can not control the way she looks. However, with daily exercise (kegels) as a daily thing to do to tighten up and continue to do them for the rest of her life before and after giving birth, things will be nice and tight. However, I do know of some men who prefer to have a 'looser' woman, so again it's all about preference. Personally, I do my daily kegels and like to think I am on the tight side. I guess I've never had anyone complain about it, so I think I am good, but who knows. A man isn't going to tell me to my face, "um, gee you're kinda loose and big." Just as I'm not going to say, "Is it in?"
On the question about men bragging about their anacondas in their pants. Having been on the receiving end of such comments at the bar, I completely ignore these men and first: think they are full of shit. Second: Are only about showing how big they are, they will in no way be concerned with pleasing me. I will simply be another notch in their bedpost. No thanks. So tell them to shut up. There is also a fairly high chance that I will say something very smart-assed to them that they probably won't appreciate, but will certainly make them leave me alone.

There was also a comment about swallowing. Personally I love to swallow. If I am totally into the guy, wow, there isn't anything better. (at that moment) It's total acceptance. If he had a problem licking all of me up after all the work and pleasure he just went to to get me off, yeah what was the point? To finish me off with his finger or to have me finish myself off because he wasn't comfortable with 'me' and my cum, I can't imagine the blow that would come to my self-esteem at that moment. Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? You are so vulnerable when you are about to cum or are with someone new in bed (or with anyone) What are they into? not into? What if I bring something up and they freak? What if I do or say something that will not want them to be with me again. Oy! the pressure. So again for me to take a man and swallow, wow! Acceptance. I know some women will say they don't like the taste blah, blah, blah. Ok, if a woman really doesn't like it then absolutely don't do it. Never do anything you don't want to or aren't comfortable with. Yes, certain foods do affect the taste, but honestly the only one factor that I have noticed that really, honestly truly affects the taste is smoking and that seems to be more about brand and frequency of smoking. (odd, I know) Otherwise I haven't noticed anything that makes a huge difference. Oh, asparagus also not so good, but again, how many men eat this on a daily or even a semi-regular basis.

Ok, onto wetness. Just like penis size, again something that women really can't control. (Where's the KY?) If a guy can't get me wet I would never say, "what the fuck? What are you doing wrong?" Not really his fault or something he can control. Just as in it isn't necessarily my fault if he can't get as hard or big as he normally can. It might be something I am doing wrong, but again perhaps not. We could have been out drinking, had a bad day, stress, situational ect.
For me lubing is not a problem. This isn't something I really ever gave that much thought to until recently when the men I have been with have commented about how wet I get. (um, thanks) Actually, I personally get off on how wet I can get and just how wet I can get myself. I know I said it's not the man's fault if he can't get a woman wet, which honestly it could just be the woman isn't able to, but again for me if I'm not even a little bit wet, then there is a problem. I have gone from being Lake Placid to being the Sahara, but it had to do more with a "what the fuck are you doing?!!" type situation than anything else.

A few more things on swallowing. I've had a couple male friends tell me they prefer not to have the woman swallow because they are so sensitive at that moment that to go back over the head is way too much for them. I've also had a male friend turn his nose up in disgust at the thought of his wife swallowing. So, is it really a preference? Personally, I would think all men would love it and want it and be disappointed if she didn't. What's the truth?

where's my ruler, I need to measure that thing

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inner dork

Did you know the word "fuck" comes from colonial times? Yep, when people were punished they were put in the stockades and their crimes were listed above them so everyone knew what their crime was. (oh, the shame) Anyway, F-U-C-K was short for, 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge'

cheesy pick-up line

If I asked you to sleep with me would your answer be the same as to this question?


(it's a thinker. It's a win/win. If you answer yes, you're sleeping with him. If you answer no, you're sleeping with him.)

sex ed

Ok, I am a little closer to figureing out the money shot thing, but basically I think it boils down to dominance and porn. Porn being the key and being where too many men (and women) have gotten their primary education when it comes to sex. As in, WOW! He cums on her and she seems to love it, I must do this. Perhaps I am supposed to do this.

Now, I watch porn, I own porn, I have masturbated and had sex to porn, I've watched porn with boyfriends, dates and in a room full of male friends where I was the only girl. I get it. I am however, not the target audience when it comes to most porn. Where the porn is targeted to me, it is much hotter and better.

I have watched porn with male friends as an educational tool to show where and when the women are faking it. (seriously, you have to know that almost all of it is faked. (right, you do know this. Please tell me you know this) I don't know of too many women who as soon as his cock is inserted into her pussy she starts moaning all high pitched like instantly. I don't know of too many women who sound like a high pitched porn star when she is cumming. (clue: she's faking it. Which, this brings up another point, men who don't know when their woman is faking it. Clues that she is not faking it: legs are quivering like a bowl full of jelly, she keeps getting wetter and wetter, she is thrashing up off the bed in an uncontrolable way. She is moaning in a low gutteral throaty way, not a high pitched heyena way) (I realize all women are different, however I do believe most follow these simple easy to detect orgasmic clues)

Ok, back to porn as education.

Now, I have certainly learned a lot from porn. Postions. (most should stay in a porn, cause good lord, they're fun at the time, but not the next day. Excuse me while I crane my entire body to speak to you) Techniques for giving head, but mostly my education with porn is in seeing a new position and trying it out.

When you see a man giving a women head, I'm sorry, that's just piss poor technique. You don't sit back and lick, you smash your face in there and lick and nibble and tease all around. (I realize it's for camera angles, but come on, get in there)You grab his head and smash and hold. (excuse me why I go into a sex daydream for a moment)(20 minutes later..and I'm back)

The main problem I have with porn is when the man is on top. He is just pounding her. I hate sex like this. I am not a board, you are not a nail. Do not pound your cock into me as hard and fast as you possibly can. (again, I know some women like this, but I am going to guess it's few who actually do) This is why I will always (always) choose to be on top. I am dominate, I am in control. (Oh, and it goes deep)(and back to sex daydream)(this leads to a conversation on size, which is for another post) The vagina only has feeling up to 4 inches, everything else is lube. The G-spot? Yeah, I can hit it with my finger. Or your finger, it's 3-4 inches inside. No more, no less. No need to pound into me. (Stop pounding into me, I'm going to get a black eye from my boobs)

Basically, porn. Fun to watch, fun to learn some freaky ass postions. Not good for dialog (can't say as I have ever really listened to any of it) Talk to your man and your woman. Figure out what they like and hate. This works with talking dirty during sex. FUCK! YES! Just fucking like that! That's fucking amazing! Don't you dare move from right there! Stay just like that! Oh my god yes! (repeat, repeat, repeat. Upon the threat of death, repeat. Don't you dare move!) Whew! Good boy!! (and back to my sex daydream) (oh hell who am I kidding? Time to crack open the toy chest)

no money shots

Ok, short sweet and to the point, seriously what is it with cumming in a girl's face? Unthink1 and I want to know. I really don't get it. There is only one thing I won't let a man do and it's this, you can not cum on my face, or for that matter anywhere on me. You can cum in me, but not on me. What's it all about? Clue a girl in.

My ex, on our first date, I was giving him a hand job, dick right in my face, and he said, "I can't cum in your face can I?"
I totally broke character and said in a very strong, but low voice, not if you ever want to see me again. Needless to say, he didn't cum in my face.

...disclaimer: when I say this is the only thing, I am going on the assumption that you all know I am not talking about water sports, some sort of freaky ass bondage (some bandage is ok, just not freaky ass bondage, too much pressure. I'd probably forget my "safe" word. It would turn ugly. I would be telling him to stop, only that would mean keep going and I would be pissed and he would be all hot and bothered. I would then have to smack the shit out of him)anything where either person is in pain or being hurt, humiliated ect, or anything else I can't think of at this time.

...please men, answer this riddle, what's it all about?

and to all a good night

Stoli and Jager.
That was me yesterday and today.
As soon as I showed up to my parent's last night it was announced that the bartender was here and I started pouring.
My oldest brother received a bottle of Jager I said, let's break it open. We did. We toasted. It was gooooddd.
Presents were torn open, I was happy. (I really only wanted another bookshelf because my apartment is being over-run by books and magazines stacked everywhere.) (see, I'm a dork)(I got this, I am happy)
Today when I showed up at my brother and sister-in-laws place it was again announced that the bartender was here. (Perhaps I need a to make a career move) We had a plethera of food. Seriously, it was disgusting in the most glorious of ways. We even had a goose. Yeah, a Christmas goose. It was very 19th Century Victorian. (I thought it tasted like liver, blech)
Anyway, I'm telling you guys, alcohol. It's the key.
Next year I say, let's all meet somewhere and get drunk and well, I'm sure we can all think of something to do after. I guarantee the holidays will be much more enjoyable, tolerable and memorable.
Cheers!

single and the holidays

Well I'm gonna be un-PC like and tell everyone Merry Christmas and to my Jewish readers, Happy Hanukkah. (I hope the government doesn't come after me)
Honestly,after reading everyone's post about the holidays and how they feel about them and after listening to my co-workers, friends and family bitch, moan and complain about the stress, fatigue, and money spent on the holidays, seriously, why do we do it? Every year why do we put ourselves through this stress and torment?
For me, I am the only single person in my family. I have a step-sister who is divorced (so shes been there done that, therefore she is considered safe) and a younger brother who is too young to be married. Me? I am the only daughter and in my 30's child free and with no wedding anywhere in the future. My mom can't take it.
I don't tell her when I am dating someone because she goes into full fantasy mode. I certainly don't tell her his name. Then she goes into super fantasy mode. And forget about mentioning money and a good job. I can see the fantasies and the twinkle in her eye as I type, along with the far off gaze.
Mom wants me married and with babe in arm.
I want to be happy and in an exclusive relationship. I really, really (really) don't want kids and I really don't think I want to be married either. I want a permanent boyfriend. A living in sin with the comment, but not the ceremony partner for life.
So I will be the single girl at the holiday festivities today and tomorrow. Everyone will look at me with saddness. Tomorrow my dad will reference the guy I was seeing over the spring and fall and who I stopped seeing in early November. I will have to tell him this. (yeah, that's how much we talk and see each other) He will ask why. I will want to drop the subject. Because again, I am single and I just think there are more important things to talk about that my dating life and non-babydom at family functions. (I have apparently been proven wrong on this on many occasion.)
However, I am getting off the subject.
Back to the holidays.
This is my idea, everyone boycott tradition and start our new holiday traditions.
We did this for Thanksgiving. Mom wanted a low-key, stress free holiday and that's what we got. I showed up to start cooking, I set up the bar and once everything was in the oven I was the bartender and the Master Baster of the turkey. The bird refused to pop therefore we were 3 hours off from the start to eat by time. Therefore, the marshmellows on the sweet potatoes liquified, the corn casserole was burnt, the stuffing was cooked to perfection and the green bean casserole was soggy. When the bird finally did pop it was heaven and we were all drunk and happy so no one cared about the rest of the meal. Total perfection and we swore to do it every year from now on including all major holidays.
So, tonight Santa comes (magically while we are all out of the room) we get stockings and presents. Tonight I am to play bartender again and I don't know what I will be the master of (oh, where is my Seinfeld reference guide?)
I think if we just throw alcohol into any situation it simply makes life better. Don't you agree?
Happy Holidays everyone! (opps, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah) (how come it's Merry Christmas and not Happy Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and not Merry Hanukkah. Wait, is Merry like Mary? Is it a Jesus thing?) (anyway, happy, Merry Christmas and Hanukkah.) Oh, and Kwanza if you do that to.) (no wonder it's become Happy Holidays)

I would make a lousy lesbian

Mainly because I love men. I love women and all they have to offer, we're soft and sexy and fun to play with, but give me a man.
Men are hard, soft, strong, vulnerable, loveable, protectors, simple (in the best way). Men are either two things; hungry or horny. If he ain't having sex, then he needs a sandwich.
However, my main point of why I couldn't be a lesbian is basically because women, for the most part, get on my nerves.
Now, again, I love women. I am a woman, (duh) however, I am about to put down my own kind so women readers be warned.
Now, just in my list of womenfolk friends I have the wife who is cheating on her husband. I also found out she has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had. When asked if I need to phsycho analyze her, she said maybe.

The friend who doesn't want to sleep with her husband. (actually I have many of these,(which, I simply don't understand) but this one in particular only wants to have sex so she can get pregnant again. He doesn't want a third child because she passed out and coded after her second child. She wants to take the risk, he doesn't. No sex.)

The woman who became pregnant shortly into the relationship (3 months into) they now hate each other and she is stuck. (the child is almost 3 years old) Even though I have offered to help her out and get her out of the relationship, still she stays. He is verbally, mentally, financially (he witholds money from her and didn't pay the mortgage and didn't tell her until they were in foreclosure) and recently (accidently...?) broke her ribs. He hates me because I am a strong female and I think he is an ass. Therefore, we are basically no longer friends.

The friend who married her husband when she was 20 (8 years ago) even though she didn't want to, but he made her feel guilty so she did. When asked if she loves him she told me he is a good guy. (o-kay)

The woman who was fantastic and amazing until she married and became pregnant and then turned into a phsycotic weirdo, yet I was the one with the problem.

Another wife is willing to put up with being ignored and being alone even though her husband has the best of both worlds, a wife at home and all the benefits of being single because he has total feedom. Why? Because she is scared to death of being alone.

This is just a quick summary and the top few who come to mind. We are such strong and amazing creatures, yet why do we do the things we do? We settle. We nag (which I have a ton to say about this. I really don't get it) We withold sex (again, a ton to say about this. I have never done this. I want to get laid just as much as he does.) (maybe more)
We sabotage ourselves and then wonder why things don't workout. We cheat and play games and wonder why were alone. We whine and complain (again, A LOT to say about this in another post) We are critical of ourselves and wonder why no one loves us, well maybe because we need to love ourselves first.
Obviously, I get along with men better than woman. I have more male friends than female friends. Now, I love women. Again, this isn't a put down on females, I just happen to get along better with men. I think mainly because I just don't understand why women do what they do. Say what they say. Or think how they think. Gossip the way they gossip. I don't sit around and fret over the fact that he didn't call. Why? Because if he doesn't call, I actually pick up the phone and call him. I don't fill in the holes of the conversation, I actually ask the questions so not to have any holes in it. I like being postitive over being negative. I guess I am just me. Love me or don't, I'm still gonna be me.
Maybe I'm not complicated enough.

telling victoria's secret

$101.75.
That's how much I spent today on 9 pairs of panties.
$101.75.
That was 9 panties that were on sale.
Seriously.
3 boyshorts
3 thongs
3 hiphugger boyshorts
$101.75.
Now, I love feeling sexy and knowing that I have something sexy and pretty on under my clothes and no one is the wiser. At work, running errands, shleeping around town or simply in my apartment. I don't buy them for anyone else. Necessarily.
However, I'm not kidding myself. I certainly wear something extra sexy for the man in my life. (whoever he may be at the time)
But, do men even notice? Care?
I've dated men who didn't even seem to notice what kind of panties I had on. They noticed that my boobs were popping out of my shirt, but panties, um yeah.
I've dated men who insisted that I wear panties. Sexy, naughty, pretty, slutty. they didn't care. Their only request were no granny panites. Seeing as how I don't own any that was an easy request to grant. When they would undress me and see what I had on under my skirt or pants, oh boy, were they appreciative. Because I did this they were very happy (and hard) and because they were hard and happy it would turn me on even more. (it's a sexy something to say, "well hello there. How you doin?")
I've dated men who secretly loved it when I went commando when I wore I short skirt. Honestly, this is my favorite. I have on a short skirt and no one knows that I am bareassed underneath. The guy doesn't know until he goes up my skirt sometime at the bar, during dinner, or when we get home. Mmmm, nice surprise. I also think it says, "yeah, I knew I'd be getting laid by the end of the night."

Here's my question. Do men really care, notice or even pay attention to what is going to be ripped off and rolled into a ball on the floor in mere seconds? If not then why spend the money or take the time to coordinate the matching set for anyone other than ourselves.
Oh wait, I guess I do wear my sexy little things for myself everyday regardless. However, when I know I am going to be seeing my man and at some point in the day/evening the pretty little things are going to end up in a ball on the floor, well I guess the $101.75 makes it all worth while.
(I have such a devilish little grin on my face with a gleam in my eye right now)

cheesy pick up line #4

Just in time for the holidays:


That dress is very becoming. Of course, if I was on you I'd be cuming too.

oh, super duper more christmas cookies, yah.

I think it's just natural that during this time of year with the holidays, the nose burning booger freezing weather that whether we really are or not, we (I) feel like I am gaining 10 pounds every minute. (second)
First of all, I am single. I live alone. Stop giving me 56 to eat, enjoy, and then feel like barfing up and where I can actually feel my face break-out as I am eating them, sugar cookies.
This also goes for: mint bars, gingerbread men, (rocking horses or variations thereof.) party mix (seriously, salty, worshersire coated, baked cereal? No thanks, keep it. I like my cereal with milk, thanks.) Raspberry butter cookies. (can they be two things?) Brownie Mounds. (Ok, actaully. Give me as many of these as you want to, cause they're my favorite. Little mounds of chocolately chewy brownie goodness) Brown-eyed susans. These will be immediately thrown away as soon as I get home. Seriously, even the Hershey's Kiss will be sacraficed to the garbage. Pumpkin bread, zuccini bread, banana bread. (any and all kinds of bread. Bread is my weakness and I don't need this many fruits and vegtables to choose from when it comes to something to put butter on. Or hell, who am I kidding, just eat.)
Now, I am glad my friends, family and others feel so highly of me and love me and want to feed me. But seriously. I do not, do not, need 286 cookies from each and every person I know. I don't need the temptation. I no longer binge, but forget to purge. Emotional eating is in check. I don't need the winter hybernation padding. I stopped smoking pot in my early 20's. If I was still smoking pot, trust me bring on the sugar cookies. And milk. Cotton mouth and all.
I already spend an hour on the cross-trainer and 20 minutes lifting free-weights. I don't have the time or energy to do any more.
So, please. I beg of you. I plead with you. Stop feeding the single gal. If you want to make her happy take her out for a cocktail. She will love and bless you (and remember you) forever.

inner dork #2

Did you know that the term, 'bucks' slang to refer to money, comes from buck skins? This goes back to colonial days when traders would come with their skins and they would be asked how many bucks (skins) and they then would be paid depending on the amount of bucks skins they had.

hey, there's a beaver in your pants

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you mean they're articles in those magazines?

Imagine my surprise when I kept hearing men comment on the great articles featured in every months issue of Playboy. I have to say, I subscribe and I have never, (not once) have I ever read any of these articles. Never. I read the jokes, (I've even used a few of them on men and I look at them to see if they have already heard it) I look at the pretty pictures, I might glance at the articles to see if there is anything I might care to read, but nope, can't say as I ever have read any of the articles. I started to read the article in lst months issue about Marilyn Monroe, I read part of it and I might go back to finish it. (I plan to copy shop one of her pictures from the spread and frame it up in my apartment)I however, read it for the pictures. (huh?)
Now, this being said, I have to say. Although I think the women are beautiful, I find their fake boobes and fake blonde hair (typically fake hair, always fake boobs) annoying. Their profiles are hilarious (I actually do read these) and could be copied and pasted from month to month. Their handwriting resembles mine in 7th grade. So, why do I keep subsribing? Well, it's only $12.00 a year (cheap-o-rama) and I like looking at naked women. Nuff said.

um, yeah. you stink

Ok, there is an art to the walk and fart. You have to make sure there isn't anyone behind you, or going to be behind you until the smell disappears.

You don't do it in doorways because you never know when someone is going to round a corner and get a big face full of your fart.

You don't do it by someones desk. Um, hello I know it was you who just walked by my desk and now it stinks.

You don't stand and fart. I can not only hear it, but I can smell it as well.

I don't want a big face full of fart. Or a mouth full (yeah, nothing like eating a fart. Jesus Christ.)

It's not science people. Its an art.

(can you guess what I just ran into? Huh, huh can you?)

and that's why it pays to be nice

Ok, so for the second time a floppy disk of mine was wiped out and reformated so that all of my personal essays that I hope to one day become a famous writer from, were deleted. (Please, don't lecture me about how outdated floppies are.)
So, for the second time I went to the IT guys, this time in a much calmer way than I did the first time several weeks ago because I now how my shit backed up in several places, (shit meaning essays, not my actual shit) to see why this keeps happening.
They explained.
I listened.
They then asked if I wanted them to retrive it. (again)
Really? You would do that for me again?
Sure. It's not a problem.
You're awesome! Total rock star!
The last time this happened I was calmly freaking out. (I actually was quite calm considering. I was getting ready to submit some of my essays and poop, all gone. Every single one of them.) They didn't have the software to retrive my info. They bought the software to do so. Now, maybe this isn't a big deal, but it was a huge freakin deal to me. HUGE. They easily spent 8 hours altogether trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it and finding the software to do so. (last time my disk was reformated to a MAC. No, I have no idea how or why)
This time it only took about 10-15 minutes. Still a huge (HUGE) deal to me. They could tell me to screw off. It's my personal stuff and obviously I am an idiot when it comes to computers.
I thanked them over and over and several more times. I gave them a gold star.

Now, I think they do this for me because: I am kind, and nice, and smile and I know all of their names. When they walk by my desk I smile every single time and say good morning and good afternoon and good night. I make jokes, I make them laugh. I am nice. I am kind. I am a friendly smiling face in their day of bullshit dealing with bullshitty people all day long. So, I am going to toot my own horn and say, be nice. It pays. You never know when that nerdy, quite guy in the gloomy office just might save your ass. (note to the IT guys, not saying you're a nerd, but the guys where I work, yeah pretty much.) (did I mention I love nerds?)

thought of the day

Do you ever look at those crotchity old, nagging, bitchy, whiney, people you work with and think, "If you just got laid you would be so much more pleasant to be around."

thought of the day

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well, that's just sad

A friend of mine told me now that she is married she no longer gives blow jobs. I thought, "really? well, that's just sad."
Not to mention false advertising. I don't know maybe she is bad at it and he's thankful she won't do it. Maybe she uses teeth (like, what the fuck is that about? I mean jesus, nothing like taking a razor to flesh.)

...and I don't wanna stop giving blow jobs. There one of my favorite things.