Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I've never put the goal before the person


Oh, look at how fast I can run away when that question comes up in conversation.

On a date, "So, PG, do you want to get married, have kids?"

Externally my demeanor is still calm. Internally I am taking a deep breath, slouching and silently say, "fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did they have to bring that up? This is not a conversation I want to have on a first date. Can't we get to know each other first? Crap."
I continue to look my date in the eye and say, "Yeah sure." If I want to see them again. I figure the real conversation can take place in a few more dates.
If I have no desire to see them again, then I'm honest.
It's a good way to weed through people quickly.

I've never put the goal before the person.

You know those people. They want to get married! They want to get married! They are behind on their timeline and damn it! They want to get married!
Um, okay. To just anyone or to someone in particular?

They want to have children. Two. A boy and a girl.
Um, okay. Again with anyone or with someone?
And do you want to have a baby or do you want to be a mother or a father?

I've never met anyone I've wanted to be married to, so how do I know if I want to married?
Commited long-term relationship? Absolutely.
Add a ceremony and a piece of paper? Why?
Legal and property reasons?
You don't have to be married to be entitled to his stuff or for him to be entitled to your stuff. And it's stuff.
Married for last name and the kids?
I don't plan to change my last name. I LOVE my full name. (I think Party Girl has a nice ring to it, don't you?) I would like to keep it, thanks.
Kids? Again, whether the kids and I have the same last name or not I'm sure I will manage to fuck them up in enough ways without having to have the same last name.

When it comes to marriage I am the total cynic.
I'm the person sitting in the church, leaning into the person next to me and whispering, "Two years. Four years tops."
Sadly, I am right more than I am wrong.

Plus, I think a lot of people have the wedding without thinking about what kind of marriage they want. They want the validation of a day.
Haven't you ever thought about how odd it is that two people stand before their family and friends and spend X amount of money doing so all to say, "See I am loved! This person loves ME! Now, give me stuff."
Weddings seem like nothing more than a day to show people that, "hey, this person loves me and this person chose me! ME!"
A couple takes a year or so planning a wedding. How much time goes into thinking about the marriage? The kids?

When asked the marriage question in a group of people I will calmly go around the group and ask, "Married, single, divorced?" Wait for all of their responses and when there are more people who are divorced than are still married or single I then say, "I think I made my point."

My biological clock? I would be the only person who doesn't hear it. I'm 31, almost 32, my eggs started dying about five years ago.
Oh, I think I just felt another one shrivel up.

Do men have the same pressure as a single girl? Probably, but in a different way. At least in my experince your pressure doesn't start until your in your thirties and it seems to be a different kind of pressure. Mine started in my twenties.

When it's asked by friends and co-workers I tend to ignore the question. I mean isn't there more interesting subjects to discuss?
What's the hurry?
Where's the rush?

I want to find the right someone, not the wrong anyone.

I guess I kind of feel like if I end up single, meaning never married, and that's the worst thing that ever happens to me, well then gosh, I think I've lived a pretty damn good life.

Course I say that at almost 32. Get back to me in 10-20 years and see how I feel then. For now, I don't plan to put the goal before the person. If I'm supposed to met him, I will.
I'll be with the right someone, not the wrong anyone.

mushy post over.


Jay said...

I want to find the right someone, not the wrong anyone.

I'm going to read something to you that is a philosophy I've embraced over the last couple of years. It's called, "Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe." It's set up much like a "Daily Affirmation" book. The author is a guy by the name of Andrew Boyd, who is a nihilist, an existentialist, and an athiest who, after having a near-death experience wrote a book. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest it.

This is called, "Loving the Wrong Person."

We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there's no right person, just different flavors of wrong, Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complimentary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems-the ones that make you truly who you are-that you're ready to find a life-long mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for: You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person, the right wrong person-someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, "This is a problem I want to have."

Each one of the stories in this book ends with an "affirmation". This one says this:

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

redbloodedboy said...

So, if you don't want to change your name, I suppose I should give up the fantasy of making you Reluctant Girl, huh?

Not that that's the, um, best name.

Mikey said...

That is so rude bring up being married on the first date. You have plenty of time to settle down in the future "Party Girl".

Oh yeah the line about another one of your eggs dying was too funny.

Me I would like to find Mr. Right and have a commitment ceremony sometime. I am sure it will happen when the right time cums.

Intense said...

I think Party Girl sounds delightful!!! Again another great post.
I feel ya....I'm so tired of co-workers/friends/family/strangers asking about the M word. It's like do I need to tattoo on my fucking face that reads '30 and not married and I'm OK with that.' I just haven't found the special one. Jay said it....I want to find the right someone, not the wrong anyone.

Or maybe I'll try wearing a warning label that reads: Not Married...oh but last night I gave a mind blowing blow job and got fuck. How about you?

Party Girl said...

Jay: I think we are all trying to find someone whose faults we can live with.
I like the quote. If I go to B&N will this book cause as much internal giggleing as the last book??

Redbloodedboy: Eh, I guess, never say never. It does have a nice ring to it. How about, Reluctant Party Girl? Doesn't have quite the same ring to it...

Mikey: I agree. Asking of the lifelong goals of marriage and kids on the first date, started about four yeas ago and I was dumbfounded and thought it was someone on a very rushed timeline. The fact that it keeps happening, again I understand the timeline and biological clock ticking, but can I finish my cocktail first? Hell, can I order my cocktail first?

If two people want to have a small intimate affair with close family and friends, I say go for it! But to have the elaborate affair that puts you into debt long after the divorce? I don't get it and I think it has more to do with validation that the marriage.
rant over.

intense: thanks, babe. I so hear yeah. Note to all strangers and to those who think they know me: please stop giving me advice!

Ho-Me-G said...

lol - full name, "Party Girl"

I can only think of two reasons for getting married. One is for the kids. It clans all of you together, which I think kids need. But then divorces happen and no one ends up with the same last name, unless a father terminates his parental rights and the kid can change his last name to that of the "new" dad. That's rare.

The second reason is to provide a legal sanction for the later and unfortunately usually inevitable parting of acquired property while married. "I have a right to half her stuff because I was with her while she acquired it." Which is kind of crap, but it's life.

I've been rethinking my desire to remarry someday. I think most get married because it feels safer. It's a public commitment. Can you have that without the paper and ceremony? Sure... get a ring and wear it. But it's amazing to me that people ignore the commitment and the ring and work to pounce anyway. So what's the point? It's not safer.

And interesting comment, Jay.

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