...now I've got a lot...
Just an update on the life of a defunct party girl.
I (finally) heard yesterday in regards to BJ and the hearing (only took over two weeks, but whatever) (and I had to do the follow-up of, what the hell is going on). BJ was found guilty.
Yep. Guilty of all charges and claims.
-He is on academic disciplinary probation. Meaning, you fuck-up again, you're out.
-The 'no contact' order has been issued indefinitely. (Thank god)
-He was ordered to write me an apology letter. (I was asked if I wanted one of not, after much thought, I decided I did, but I wanted it to be approved by the Dean first, not just sent to me. I received it today via email. I have not read it and I am not sure if I will.
Frankly, I really do not believe that BJ is sorry. I think BJ is sorry that I took action, that it went as far as it did, and that he alienated himself from the group. However, I do not believe that he sees it that way; I think he believe I alienated him from the group, which I did not. Frankly, I don't think the group wants me around any more than I want to be around them. This is why I am purposely not taking any classes with them next semester.
Also, I will be taking my comprehensive exams alone, not with everyone else, so that I do not have to see BJ.
They are also deciding on whether or not BJ can attend graduation as I have asked that he not be allowed to.
So, today was my big CBA final and today is the last time that I will (hopefully) ever have to see BJ or (really anyone, minus my best gal) again. And thank god for that. Grad school has been a lot of things, but really, few of them have been good.
I still have three paper to finish by Thursday. One, CBA, I received an extension on, the other one, Ethics, is due by Thursday and my research paper, well, hopefully he will give me an RC (research continued) and not throw a big fit, cause it is not going to be finished by Thursday. (As a reminder, this is the prof who rolled his eyes at me.) So.
I think that's it for now.
Oh, and I've met someone. I really like him and we spend on average about 4-5 hours a night on the phone.(he does not live in home state) I'm being vulnerable, open, and honest; it feels pretty awesome.
You know how you don't know what the problem is, or you don't see a problem and then the lights come on and all becomes clear? Well, that's sort of been me this semester, the lights are on, it was painful getting to this point (very painful) and a difficult journey (quite ugly, actually) which is far from complete, but I can see where I was and where I am, and it's pretty damn huge. But it also feels pretty damn great.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Completely sorry for being MIA
Well, maybe not completely sorry. I have been diligently typing away at my pile and lists of "to do" (alas, there is no "honey" attached to it) before the end of the semester strikes.
Since I received extensions on two of my deadlines, this has only added to the pile. Relieved the stress (temporarily) but, still, the papers and their deadlines are on the list.
Today I managed to finish two more papers and start two others. This in despite of really, really, really (no, really) wanting to stay in a horizontal position on my big, ugly, comfy couch.
But, no, I was strong (or the stress and panic attack kicked my butt into gear) and I sweated it out at the keyboard for a few hours. However, that was all the more I was able to do. I think I have caught a bug. Not a bed bug or a love bug, but the
-am I going to throw-up?- bug. Thus, the creativity needed to write and not to plagiarize and be thrown out of school was in short supply by the time I reached papers 3 and 4.
Next week is my last week of classes, the following is finals week. As horrible (horrible, terribly, no good) as this semester has been, gee-golly-gosh has it flown on by.
And speaking of asshole, BJ received his "no contact" order over break, his hearing was on Wednesday, I have not heard anything to know what has/has not been done or agreed upon.
....only one week left....
Since I received extensions on two of my deadlines, this has only added to the pile. Relieved the stress (temporarily) but, still, the papers and their deadlines are on the list.
Today I managed to finish two more papers and start two others. This in despite of really, really, really (no, really) wanting to stay in a horizontal position on my big, ugly, comfy couch.
But, no, I was strong (or the stress and panic attack kicked my butt into gear) and I sweated it out at the keyboard for a few hours. However, that was all the more I was able to do. I think I have caught a bug. Not a bed bug or a love bug, but the
-am I going to throw-up?- bug. Thus, the creativity needed to write and not to plagiarize and be thrown out of school was in short supply by the time I reached papers 3 and 4.
Next week is my last week of classes, the following is finals week. As horrible (horrible, terribly, no good) as this semester has been, gee-golly-gosh has it flown on by.
And speaking of asshole, BJ received his "no contact" order over break, his hearing was on Wednesday, I have not heard anything to know what has/has not been done or agreed upon.
....only one week left....
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
some ponderings
Some thoughts:
Have you ever wondered just how cold fuck is?
As in the sentence: "It's cold as fuck out there"
This can also be seen in the phrasing, "It's hot as fuck out there."
Now, I've had some hot fucking, so maybe that's what it means, but cold as fuck? I've had some bad fucks, but I don't believe I have ever had any cold fucks. Dated a few, but that's another story.
If beer, mead, wine, alcohol, were the basic liquids to quench a thirst for most of time, then how did people get anything done? I bet they were tired, sleepy you might say, and drunk. Drunk just about all the time; just about everyday I would venture to guess. So, why can't we drink while at work, school? I would be much more productive and happy. Well, maybe not productive. I would probably have more pee breaks.
Fetal alcohol syndrome. It's bad. It's been shown that women should not drink while pregnant, if they do, there may be consequences. But what about my previous pondering. Women drank all the time, so in theory there were a lot of people (fetuses) who had fetal alcohol syndrome throughout time....so....were there just a lot of special needs person walking around and no one noticed?
Because we are all different, this causes conflict. Annoyances. I want to smack a lot of people upside their head. So, if we were all the same, would we get along better, or would that just cause more conflict? Typically those who I am closest to in personality, I want to smack the hardest in the head.
...that's all for now.
*This post is a result of being woken-up at 6 a.m. this morning and trying (unsuccessfully) to fall back to sleep.
**The result of the disturbance was due to my neighbor turning on the shower, the pipes rattling to the point of it sounding like a machine gun and my heart beating like machine gun blasts in my chest. Good morning.
Have you ever wondered just how cold fuck is?
As in the sentence: "It's cold as fuck out there"
This can also be seen in the phrasing, "It's hot as fuck out there."
Now, I've had some hot fucking, so maybe that's what it means, but cold as fuck? I've had some bad fucks, but I don't believe I have ever had any cold fucks. Dated a few, but that's another story.
If beer, mead, wine, alcohol, were the basic liquids to quench a thirst for most of time, then how did people get anything done? I bet they were tired, sleepy you might say, and drunk. Drunk just about all the time; just about everyday I would venture to guess. So, why can't we drink while at work, school? I would be much more productive and happy. Well, maybe not productive. I would probably have more pee breaks.
Fetal alcohol syndrome. It's bad. It's been shown that women should not drink while pregnant, if they do, there may be consequences. But what about my previous pondering. Women drank all the time, so in theory there were a lot of people (fetuses) who had fetal alcohol syndrome throughout time....so....were there just a lot of special needs person walking around and no one noticed?
Because we are all different, this causes conflict. Annoyances. I want to smack a lot of people upside their head. So, if we were all the same, would we get along better, or would that just cause more conflict? Typically those who I am closest to in personality, I want to smack the hardest in the head.
...that's all for now.
*This post is a result of being woken-up at 6 a.m. this morning and trying (unsuccessfully) to fall back to sleep.
**The result of the disturbance was due to my neighbor turning on the shower, the pipes rattling to the point of it sounding like a machine gun and my heart beating like machine gun blasts in my chest. Good morning.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
and now, a break
So, I am interrupting my incredibly productive homework paper writing session (not sarcasm) to write a post. (So many papers to go, so little time left in the semester.) (Oh, not sure if I mentioned this, but two professors gave me an extension on two of my papers. Thank you, a million and eight, thank yous.)
As much as I was not looking forward to coming home, boy am I glad to be home and boy, do I not want to go back to my apartment. (I can't imagine why)(sarcasm.)
Wednesday afternoon I stopped into old place of employment to say hello to those I miss and love. They still miss and love me, too. Ah, nice.
Later in the afternoon I came home, did a large amount of laundry (sad that at 34 I am still bringing my dirty clothes home?) and spent some time with the moms cooking and talking. Nice.
Thursday I cooked (a large portion of the meal, good for my soul) and gained about 8.6 pounds (pretty sure it was all in carbs.)
Friday mom and I decorated the house while Papa decorated the outside of the house.
Last night was spent working on an art project (old t-shirts, cut into strips, braided together, then take the braids and sew them together until a purse/bag is formed.) (It should be finished by the time my grandkids graduate from college.)
Saturday was spent shopping around Target (or, I looked and moms shopped) along with a gazillion and two hundred other people. Oy.
Tonight, I am going out with one of my former employees from former place of employment for dinner and drinks. (We care more about the drinks than the eats) (and my body is screaming, yelling, begging for something green and in the vegetable category), but I am also looking for the sit long and talk much that she and I do so well. She is old enough to be my mother, and old hippie and cool as hell and great at listening and not judging.
Tomorrow, another former employee, now a kind friend, and I are going for coffee. Both of these friends have had a strong tone with me regarding all that has gone on with me and for not calling them or telling them about any of it prior to this week. Yeah, well....
Tomorrow in the late afternoon I will be heading home. I am not looking forward to it. Can't imagine why.(sarcasm) I also have not been sleeping; this is even with two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill; again, I can't image why.
On a completely unrelated front: I have brought my Cost-Benefit Analysis grade up from a D+ at mid-term to a C as of today. I really want to end the semester with a B. Here's hoping.
I hope all of you had a great Turkey Day and are filled to the top with beige carb deliciousness and warm feelings from family and friends.
As much as I was not looking forward to coming home, boy am I glad to be home and boy, do I not want to go back to my apartment. (I can't imagine why)(sarcasm.)
Wednesday afternoon I stopped into old place of employment to say hello to those I miss and love. They still miss and love me, too. Ah, nice.
Later in the afternoon I came home, did a large amount of laundry (sad that at 34 I am still bringing my dirty clothes home?) and spent some time with the moms cooking and talking. Nice.
Thursday I cooked (a large portion of the meal, good for my soul) and gained about 8.6 pounds (pretty sure it was all in carbs.)
Friday mom and I decorated the house while Papa decorated the outside of the house.
Last night was spent working on an art project (old t-shirts, cut into strips, braided together, then take the braids and sew them together until a purse/bag is formed.) (It should be finished by the time my grandkids graduate from college.)
Saturday was spent shopping around Target (or, I looked and moms shopped) along with a gazillion and two hundred other people. Oy.
Tonight, I am going out with one of my former employees from former place of employment for dinner and drinks. (We care more about the drinks than the eats) (and my body is screaming, yelling, begging for something green and in the vegetable category), but I am also looking for the sit long and talk much that she and I do so well. She is old enough to be my mother, and old hippie and cool as hell and great at listening and not judging.
Tomorrow, another former employee, now a kind friend, and I are going for coffee. Both of these friends have had a strong tone with me regarding all that has gone on with me and for not calling them or telling them about any of it prior to this week. Yeah, well....
Tomorrow in the late afternoon I will be heading home. I am not looking forward to it. Can't imagine why.(sarcasm) I also have not been sleeping; this is even with two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill; again, I can't image why.
On a completely unrelated front: I have brought my Cost-Benefit Analysis grade up from a D+ at mid-term to a C as of today. I really want to end the semester with a B. Here's hoping.
I hope all of you had a great Turkey Day and are filled to the top with beige carb deliciousness and warm feelings from family and friends.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
an update
I just received a phone call stating that the no contact order was issued. It will be mailed out tomorrow, which means he will get it by Friday.
However, he is not home because of the holiday. So, my goal for him to receive it during the holiday, is not going to work. Also, it is a certified letter, he won't be home. So, this concerns me a bit.
Also, he will receive a letter stating that a school complaint has been issued against him and that it will go before a panel.
Needless to say, I am a bit emotional.
Also, the only person, other than my therapist who knows, is my mom. I did not want to bring my best gal into the situation that way, if someone asks her something, she literally, can play innocent to the situation. AND if BJ should be so stupid as to mention this to anyone, I have recourse.
But, a support network would be awesome right about now.
(and exhale.)
However, he is not home because of the holiday. So, my goal for him to receive it during the holiday, is not going to work. Also, it is a certified letter, he won't be home. So, this concerns me a bit.
Also, he will receive a letter stating that a school complaint has been issued against him and that it will go before a panel.
Needless to say, I am a bit emotional.
Also, the only person, other than my therapist who knows, is my mom. I did not want to bring my best gal into the situation that way, if someone asks her something, she literally, can play innocent to the situation. AND if BJ should be so stupid as to mention this to anyone, I have recourse.
But, a support network would be awesome right about now.
(and exhale.)
Monday, November 24, 2008
follow through
Today I asked for the "no contact" order to be issued.
I filled out all of the paperwork and answered and asked questions.
Tomorrow the paperwork will go before the Dean of Students and he will review it to see if the issues is necessary.
I also asked to file a university complaint.
What that means is that I asked that BJ be removed from my classes and attend the classes at an individual study instead.
Since I issued a complaint that means I will have to meet with the Dean of Students and answer all of his questions and go over everything all over again.
The complaint can be denied and I'm not sure if it will be issued or not.
The no contact order will more than likely be issued.
When I meet with the Dean of Students I will also ask about comprehensive exams and that I take them elsewhere so that I do not have to be in the same room with, or see, BJ on that day. I will also ask about graduation as he and I are close alphabetically.
Anyway. That's all. I am emotionally exhausted.
I filled out all of the paperwork and answered and asked questions.
Tomorrow the paperwork will go before the Dean of Students and he will review it to see if the issues is necessary.
I also asked to file a university complaint.
What that means is that I asked that BJ be removed from my classes and attend the classes at an individual study instead.
Since I issued a complaint that means I will have to meet with the Dean of Students and answer all of his questions and go over everything all over again.
The complaint can be denied and I'm not sure if it will be issued or not.
The no contact order will more than likely be issued.
When I meet with the Dean of Students I will also ask about comprehensive exams and that I take them elsewhere so that I do not have to be in the same room with, or see, BJ on that day. I will also ask about graduation as he and I are close alphabetically.
Anyway. That's all. I am emotionally exhausted.
Friday, November 21, 2008
what taking control feels like
So, this was supposed to be an uneventful week and heavy on the homework so that I could relax starting yesterday.
Instead, it started out heavy on the homework and ended heavy into the continued drama.
The short of it: BJ has suddenly started to join in the group during class breaks and has been laying on the snide comments heavily this week. One comment about me was made to our professor. Nice and nothing unprofessional or inappropriate about that, at all.
On Tuesday I decided to leave the table and sit by myself on the opposite side, and out of view, of our break area. I felt really good about my decision and very in control. Go, me!
Then, he made the comment to the professor.
Jackass.
I felt fine Tuesday night. But, then the insomnia came back that night...I am still not sleeping great, but the full-on insomnia has been gone since the end of October. Then the emotions came on Wednesday. Verge of tears, stomach in fiery knots, could not concentrate...so I made an emergency appointment with my therapist.
We met, we talked, she set-up an appointment with a doctor for a med consult and also set-up an appointment for me to meet with the rape crisis counselor on campus to see what can be done with BJ in terms of keeping him away from me.
Wednesday I got two prescriptions: one for anxiety, one for sleep. Both can be taken sporadically and as I see fit. So, not everyday.
Yesterday, I felt really great, but completely exhausted from insomnia and also the anxiety med causes drowsiness, but the meds are awesome.
I went out last night with some friends from work, which was new and nice and I had a great time.
Then this morning I received a text message from my best gal asking me "...are you okay, did something happen?"
I was great and I had no idea about anything happening. So I called her.
Last night, BJ sent out a drunk-typed email at 1:50 this morning.
I am sorry to all of you about what has happened. I admit that what I did that night was wrong. None of you should be involved in this, but you are. I find it ridiculous and juvenile that this is even taking place, but it is. Therefore, I find it necessary to apologize for the current state of affairs among us, and to hope that you will judge me for who I am; a human being. I never intended for anything to happen. I got drunk, and I did things I am not proud of. However, for this to go on for more than three months is unacceptable. What happens happens, and you are not the ones that should deal with it.
I am not and do not pretend to be a perfect or even good person sometimes. But I, and you, do not deserve this.
Here's the thing: the group has no idea what is going on. They know I do not want to be around him, but they do not know why. Also, he never states that it is me, that he is talking about..so, slightly confusing. But more importantly, the group did not know what happened. Congrats, BJ, you just outed yourself.
I called the other male in our group (Matt) to ask him what brought this about. Matt and I talked and he (Matt) (and I am sure, BJ) felt that it was because of me that we all don't hang-out anymore and that I should just forget about the whole thing and move on.
I explained that us not all hanging out anymore, has nothing to do with me. We all have different lives than we did this time last year. The only person who knew what is/was going on is my best gal, as she was the only one who knew until Tuesday, when I told another friend. Any animosity amongst us, has nothing to do with me.
I also asked Matt how he would feel if this had happened to his sister. He changed his tune about the "forget and move on." I think I got through to him with that comment and we ended (I think) on a good note.
After many emails being exchanged today between BJ and my best gal (she sticking up for me, him still not getting it) (me wanting to send my own email, but resisting) which were forwarded to me.
Today I had my regular appointment with my therapist and then my appointment with the crisis counselor.
Short story long, I am giving myself the weekend to think about it, but I am 100% sure that on Monday I will issue a no contact order against BJ.
I can determine how I want it to be worded. I can have him removed from classes and I can have myself removed from classes, but (as of now) I have decided not to do that. I am asking (as of now) that he just stay X amount of feet way from me when we are not in class and should we run into each other outside of school. He is not to make eye contact or speak to me, no more snide comments, if I am with the group, he is not to join us, and if he is with the group, then I will not join them. The decscion of remaining in classes, he is finished with classes in December. I only have two weeks of classes left after we return from Turkey Break.
More importantly, come comprehensive exam time, I will get an accommodation to take the exams separately from everyone else. I don't want months of therapy progress to go down the drain on the most stressful day of my life, ya know?
As of now, I do not think I will tell any of my friends what actions I took (will be taking). I just don't want any of them to know, this might change. Oh, and he is not allowed to talk about it.
Pretty basic, really, but I feel so proud of myself. Taking control and taking action is hard and emotional and I am sure on Monday I will be all over the place emotionally (and on Tuesday when I meet for 2 hours with my therapist to talk about the actual events of the rapes)...so yeah, a break will be good. I need it. Thank goodness for meds and therapy. The massage I had scheduled today would have been amazing also, but I was 30 minutes late due to the above. So, yeah. A hot shower, my pajamas, and a good meal and perhaps a good beer will just have to do for tonight.
Instead, it started out heavy on the homework and ended heavy into the continued drama.
The short of it: BJ has suddenly started to join in the group during class breaks and has been laying on the snide comments heavily this week. One comment about me was made to our professor. Nice and nothing unprofessional or inappropriate about that, at all.
On Tuesday I decided to leave the table and sit by myself on the opposite side, and out of view, of our break area. I felt really good about my decision and very in control. Go, me!
Then, he made the comment to the professor.
Jackass.
I felt fine Tuesday night. But, then the insomnia came back that night...I am still not sleeping great, but the full-on insomnia has been gone since the end of October. Then the emotions came on Wednesday. Verge of tears, stomach in fiery knots, could not concentrate...so I made an emergency appointment with my therapist.
We met, we talked, she set-up an appointment with a doctor for a med consult and also set-up an appointment for me to meet with the rape crisis counselor on campus to see what can be done with BJ in terms of keeping him away from me.
Wednesday I got two prescriptions: one for anxiety, one for sleep. Both can be taken sporadically and as I see fit. So, not everyday.
Yesterday, I felt really great, but completely exhausted from insomnia and also the anxiety med causes drowsiness, but the meds are awesome.
I went out last night with some friends from work, which was new and nice and I had a great time.
Then this morning I received a text message from my best gal asking me "...are you okay, did something happen?"
I was great and I had no idea about anything happening. So I called her.
Last night, BJ sent out a drunk-typed email at 1:50 this morning.
I am sorry to all of you about what has happened. I admit that what I did that night was wrong. None of you should be involved in this, but you are. I find it ridiculous and juvenile that this is even taking place, but it is. Therefore, I find it necessary to apologize for the current state of affairs among us, and to hope that you will judge me for who I am; a human being. I never intended for anything to happen. I got drunk, and I did things I am not proud of. However, for this to go on for more than three months is unacceptable. What happens happens, and you are not the ones that should deal with it.
I am not and do not pretend to be a perfect or even good person sometimes. But I, and you, do not deserve this.
Here's the thing: the group has no idea what is going on. They know I do not want to be around him, but they do not know why. Also, he never states that it is me, that he is talking about..so, slightly confusing. But more importantly, the group did not know what happened. Congrats, BJ, you just outed yourself.
I called the other male in our group (Matt) to ask him what brought this about. Matt and I talked and he (Matt) (and I am sure, BJ) felt that it was because of me that we all don't hang-out anymore and that I should just forget about the whole thing and move on.
I explained that us not all hanging out anymore, has nothing to do with me. We all have different lives than we did this time last year. The only person who knew what is/was going on is my best gal, as she was the only one who knew until Tuesday, when I told another friend. Any animosity amongst us, has nothing to do with me.
I also asked Matt how he would feel if this had happened to his sister. He changed his tune about the "forget and move on." I think I got through to him with that comment and we ended (I think) on a good note.
After many emails being exchanged today between BJ and my best gal (she sticking up for me, him still not getting it) (me wanting to send my own email, but resisting) which were forwarded to me.
Today I had my regular appointment with my therapist and then my appointment with the crisis counselor.
Short story long, I am giving myself the weekend to think about it, but I am 100% sure that on Monday I will issue a no contact order against BJ.
I can determine how I want it to be worded. I can have him removed from classes and I can have myself removed from classes, but (as of now) I have decided not to do that. I am asking (as of now) that he just stay X amount of feet way from me when we are not in class and should we run into each other outside of school. He is not to make eye contact or speak to me, no more snide comments, if I am with the group, he is not to join us, and if he is with the group, then I will not join them. The decscion of remaining in classes, he is finished with classes in December. I only have two weeks of classes left after we return from Turkey Break.
More importantly, come comprehensive exam time, I will get an accommodation to take the exams separately from everyone else. I don't want months of therapy progress to go down the drain on the most stressful day of my life, ya know?
As of now, I do not think I will tell any of my friends what actions I took (will be taking). I just don't want any of them to know, this might change. Oh, and he is not allowed to talk about it.
Pretty basic, really, but I feel so proud of myself. Taking control and taking action is hard and emotional and I am sure on Monday I will be all over the place emotionally (and on Tuesday when I meet for 2 hours with my therapist to talk about the actual events of the rapes)...so yeah, a break will be good. I need it. Thank goodness for meds and therapy. The massage I had scheduled today would have been amazing also, but I was 30 minutes late due to the above. So, yeah. A hot shower, my pajamas, and a good meal and perhaps a good beer will just have to do for tonight.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
just askin'
Do you ever watch yourself writing something and wonder, "huh, how does my hand now how to do that? How is my hand able to write so dang fast? How can I think these thoughts while still writing out something so dang fast?"
No? Okay then.
No? Okay then.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Much like the Tin Man
Today I discovered I have a heart.
Yes, I know, der, right?
Yes, I know I have a heart, cause, I'm not dead and I have a pulse. But I mean, I have a heart and it's okay to listen to it. It's okay to make emotional decisions, it's okay to let people in and have control over my heart.
My heart.
I have one.
Sad that I just realized this today. (thanks, therapy!)
Amazing that I did not realize this before today.
Smiling with glee that I know it now and that I will never forget it.
It's okay to love. It's okay to be in control of my heart. It's okay.
Oh, the things I don't know and I don't even know that I don't know them.
Yes, I know, der, right?
Yes, I know I have a heart, cause, I'm not dead and I have a pulse. But I mean, I have a heart and it's okay to listen to it. It's okay to make emotional decisions, it's okay to let people in and have control over my heart.
My heart.
I have one.
Sad that I just realized this today. (thanks, therapy!)
Amazing that I did not realize this before today.
Smiling with glee that I know it now and that I will never forget it.
It's okay to love. It's okay to be in control of my heart. It's okay.
Oh, the things I don't know and I don't even know that I don't know them.
I'll make it. One obstacle at a time, I'll make it.
So, remember the guy who told me I was fat, my life goals were a joke and then stuck his hand in my crotch and his tongue down my throat and begged me for sex? Also known as the direct result of me being in therapy?
Well, I told him to leave me alone back in September. Unfortunately, I have to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when we have classes. I have done my best to ignore him, but he has made it as difficult as he possible can.
For several reasons I have wanted to confront him, but at the same time, I did not want to give him any reason to talk to me. Hard to do. Well, the other day he sent an email asking if I was still mad at him. This was my opportunity to end all contact and to say (once again) exactly how I felt.
I'm not a huge fan of emails or IM's being shared. However, just to show you what I am dealing with on a weekly basis, here you go.
My email to him:
As I stated at T's in September, that night at L, you hurt and offended me deeply. What you said and did to me is unforgivable. Your actions that night, were, and still are, deeply troubling. I have not, I will not, forgive you.
That night at the L, your actions were that of an assailant. You assaulted me, BJ. To refresh your memory: hand in my crotch, tongue shoved down my throat, begging me for sex. None of which were wanted. There is no other way to say what your actions were that night. I was attacked not only verbally, but physically; unforgivable. Deeply troubling. Why would I want anything to do with you? I don't.
Your comments that night were hurtful and not something that a "friend" would say to me. Just to refresh your memory: I am fat, and my life goals are a waste of time and unattainable.
To be clear: I want nothing to do with you. I do not want to talk to you, I do not want you to talk to me. I do not want to be around you.
In regards to us as a group: you are still throwing back-handed comments around and you are still making comments which are hurtful to all of us. Both of which shows me that you have not changed at all. Nor do you care to change. You need help, BJ. I suggest you get some.
Again, to be clear: I want nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.
Do not respond to this email.
Direct, to the point, crystal clear.
His response to me:
I understand that I have hurt you and that you are angry. I have apologized for my boorish behavior and I accept that you are committed to never forgive me. I understand that. On those evenings I crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. However, I was drunk; whats your excuse? In the time I have known you, you have proven to me that you are self centered, short sighted, narrow visioned, hyper sensitive to any form of critique or questioning, irrational, and incapable of compassion or forgiveness. Before you point fingers as to who needs help, it would take a good long look in the mirror and consider how you deal with others. It amazes me that someone who is 34 years old can behave this way; much the same as one would expect of a Junior High School student. The reply that you sent to my email, just proves to me that you are not worthy of knowing. If I were a better person, maybe I would care to repair this, but the fact of the matter is I don't believe that anyone has the emotional energy to try and deal with you. As far as I am concerned, what happened is over and done, and you are out of my life as you have made overwhelmingly evident that I am out of yours. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize who you are. Get help. I considered this bridge burned and I hope that beyond whatever obligations I have left concerning school that I never see you again, or have the displeasure to share company with anyone as remotely as boorish as yourself. Good luck in your future endeavors, and I am truly sorry that I was ever duped into considering you a friend. You obviously only use that word when its convenient for you.
I consider this issue dead. Continue to hate, if that is what makes you happy.
Nice, huh?
My initial response, I laughed and I do not believe a word of it. The comments to my character, laughable and completely false. The day before he was still trying to be my friend. Given a day to simmer over the email I sent along with some liquid courage, this is what I got. The fact that he blames everything on being drunk, wow, troubling. Given that he is either drunk or hung-over, he has a lot of excuses.
Anyway.
There are many reasons why his actions that night sent me back to a time when I was a very lost teenager and sent me into therapy.
One, the comment on my weight. As every female does, I ebb and I flow. However, after each rape I very consciously gained weight to keep the men away. It was deliberate and I am and was well aware of what I was doing.
I then lost the weight after a few years. However, one night, when I was around 19, I was out at my favorite bar and a man walked past me and deliberately stuck his hand between my legs as I walking through the crowd. I cannot describe what that did to me emotionally. Psychologically, I thought "I need to gain more weight..." and I did. Between 18-20 I gained about 45 pounds. At 21 I lost all of it and then some.
After the rape at 23, I slowly, but steadily gained more weight, all in the name of not wanting any unwanted male attention. I gained around 100 pounds between 23-29. I've lost most of the weight which was gained, but still struggle with my weight and the attention that losing and gaining can bring. I also struggle with the same 20 pounds over and over again. I know the reasons why and it is one of the things I am working on. However, the number on the scale never has, and never will, determine my self-worth. For whatever reason, I have always had high self-esteem. I know, it is an oxymoron and does not make a lick of sense, just trust me on this one.
So, BJ's actions that night took me back 17 years, half a lifetime ago. The comment about my weight, if only he knew why I struggle and the connection between weight and wanting to keep men like him away.
He doesn't know what he did and he never will. Am I blaming him for 17 years of issues, no. Absolutely not. He's an ass. I've known he was an ass, I've always thought he was an ass. Had I been back in home city, I never would have had anything to do with him. However, new city, no friends, I was trying to make connections. Lesson learned.
Am I calling him a rapist, no. He attacked me, verbally and physically in a way that was not wanted, his actions took me back to being raped, but he did not rape me. Attacked, yes.
So, twice a week for several hours a night I am forced to be in a room with my attacker. I am forced to be in a room with someone who would send that kind of hateful and rage filled email to. Merely one of the things I am dealing with while also trying to make it out of bed and into work and class each day in order to graduate and fulfill my life goals. Because they are not pointless and they are attainable. I'll succeed, I know I will. Obstacles are just placed there to be jumped over and to prove that I can make it over them. I just need to remember this.
Well, I told him to leave me alone back in September. Unfortunately, I have to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when we have classes. I have done my best to ignore him, but he has made it as difficult as he possible can.
For several reasons I have wanted to confront him, but at the same time, I did not want to give him any reason to talk to me. Hard to do. Well, the other day he sent an email asking if I was still mad at him. This was my opportunity to end all contact and to say (once again) exactly how I felt.
I'm not a huge fan of emails or IM's being shared. However, just to show you what I am dealing with on a weekly basis, here you go.
My email to him:
As I stated at T's in September, that night at L, you hurt and offended me deeply. What you said and did to me is unforgivable. Your actions that night, were, and still are, deeply troubling. I have not, I will not, forgive you.
That night at the L, your actions were that of an assailant. You assaulted me, BJ. To refresh your memory: hand in my crotch, tongue shoved down my throat, begging me for sex. None of which were wanted. There is no other way to say what your actions were that night. I was attacked not only verbally, but physically; unforgivable. Deeply troubling. Why would I want anything to do with you? I don't.
Your comments that night were hurtful and not something that a "friend" would say to me. Just to refresh your memory: I am fat, and my life goals are a waste of time and unattainable.
To be clear: I want nothing to do with you. I do not want to talk to you, I do not want you to talk to me. I do not want to be around you.
In regards to us as a group: you are still throwing back-handed comments around and you are still making comments which are hurtful to all of us. Both of which shows me that you have not changed at all. Nor do you care to change. You need help, BJ. I suggest you get some.
Again, to be clear: I want nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.
Do not respond to this email.
Direct, to the point, crystal clear.
His response to me:
I understand that I have hurt you and that you are angry. I have apologized for my boorish behavior and I accept that you are committed to never forgive me. I understand that. On those evenings I crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. However, I was drunk; whats your excuse? In the time I have known you, you have proven to me that you are self centered, short sighted, narrow visioned, hyper sensitive to any form of critique or questioning, irrational, and incapable of compassion or forgiveness. Before you point fingers as to who needs help, it would take a good long look in the mirror and consider how you deal with others. It amazes me that someone who is 34 years old can behave this way; much the same as one would expect of a Junior High School student. The reply that you sent to my email, just proves to me that you are not worthy of knowing. If I were a better person, maybe I would care to repair this, but the fact of the matter is I don't believe that anyone has the emotional energy to try and deal with you. As far as I am concerned, what happened is over and done, and you are out of my life as you have made overwhelmingly evident that I am out of yours. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize who you are. Get help. I considered this bridge burned and I hope that beyond whatever obligations I have left concerning school that I never see you again, or have the displeasure to share company with anyone as remotely as boorish as yourself. Good luck in your future endeavors, and I am truly sorry that I was ever duped into considering you a friend. You obviously only use that word when its convenient for you.
I consider this issue dead. Continue to hate, if that is what makes you happy.
Nice, huh?
My initial response, I laughed and I do not believe a word of it. The comments to my character, laughable and completely false. The day before he was still trying to be my friend. Given a day to simmer over the email I sent along with some liquid courage, this is what I got. The fact that he blames everything on being drunk, wow, troubling. Given that he is either drunk or hung-over, he has a lot of excuses.
Anyway.
There are many reasons why his actions that night sent me back to a time when I was a very lost teenager and sent me into therapy.
One, the comment on my weight. As every female does, I ebb and I flow. However, after each rape I very consciously gained weight to keep the men away. It was deliberate and I am and was well aware of what I was doing.
I then lost the weight after a few years. However, one night, when I was around 19, I was out at my favorite bar and a man walked past me and deliberately stuck his hand between my legs as I walking through the crowd. I cannot describe what that did to me emotionally. Psychologically, I thought "I need to gain more weight..." and I did. Between 18-20 I gained about 45 pounds. At 21 I lost all of it and then some.
After the rape at 23, I slowly, but steadily gained more weight, all in the name of not wanting any unwanted male attention. I gained around 100 pounds between 23-29. I've lost most of the weight which was gained, but still struggle with my weight and the attention that losing and gaining can bring. I also struggle with the same 20 pounds over and over again. I know the reasons why and it is one of the things I am working on. However, the number on the scale never has, and never will, determine my self-worth. For whatever reason, I have always had high self-esteem. I know, it is an oxymoron and does not make a lick of sense, just trust me on this one.
So, BJ's actions that night took me back 17 years, half a lifetime ago. The comment about my weight, if only he knew why I struggle and the connection between weight and wanting to keep men like him away.
He doesn't know what he did and he never will. Am I blaming him for 17 years of issues, no. Absolutely not. He's an ass. I've known he was an ass, I've always thought he was an ass. Had I been back in home city, I never would have had anything to do with him. However, new city, no friends, I was trying to make connections. Lesson learned.
Am I calling him a rapist, no. He attacked me, verbally and physically in a way that was not wanted, his actions took me back to being raped, but he did not rape me. Attacked, yes.
So, twice a week for several hours a night I am forced to be in a room with my attacker. I am forced to be in a room with someone who would send that kind of hateful and rage filled email to. Merely one of the things I am dealing with while also trying to make it out of bed and into work and class each day in order to graduate and fulfill my life goals. Because they are not pointless and they are attainable. I'll succeed, I know I will. Obstacles are just placed there to be jumped over and to prove that I can make it over them. I just need to remember this.
Monday, November 10, 2008
a quick hello
Just a quick, what's been going on in my life, update.
Turkey Break will be in less than two weeks and gosh, am I looking forward to it.
However, since I plan to boycott my computer during that time and I have a few papers due immediately upon my return from Turkey Break, I have to do some serious ass hauling on the paper and homework front between now and the next less-than two weeks. (yes, that is a run-on.)
How serious? This semester I have 19 papers due. I've finished five.
Just in case your math skills are like mine, I'll clarify: yeah, that's not good.
One of those papers is my HUGE research paper (not a thesis, but it might as well be and we have a semester to come up a subject and complete it) which I have hit a wall on. I need to change my paper a smidge (perhaps more than a smidge.) I was going to write about U.S. birth control policy 1850-Present; does policy affect society, or does society affect policy, but think I am going to change it to 1850-1900 and just touch on the last 100+ years. Not happy about that, but I do not think I have much choice in the matter. Too big, and too short of time to finish it. Technically I have until March. Actually, I want to finish by December.
On a personal front: not dating anyone. September and October I was dating three people. I no longer am. Sure the holidays are approaching and it would be nice, but let's be honest, why is it nice just to have someone around the holidays? It's not. It's nice to have a special someone all the time.
I am also done with the "someones" and looking for "the one."
On a therapy front: It is going very well. It has been very emotional and frustrating. It has affected my friendship with my best gal, but I think that rough patch is over.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, has turned out to be wrong.
All the reasons I thought I did something, nope, not so much. All those reasons were wrong.
So, that realization has affected who I thought I was. The reasons for my past failed relationships, the reasons for me being in grad school, my undergrad education, my extreme need for privacy, why I put my guard up, why I am guarded...all of it and so much more and I am sure even more that I have no idea about...all have, are, and will continue to become clear.
So, yes, it has been wonderfully gratifying to talk about everything, but incredibly emotional and heartbreaking.
Yet, I feel calm. Very calm. And strong. And maybe even a little brave. But, I'm not sure about that one yet. That one I will have to think about a little bit longer.
In the last two weeks everything has been back in technicolor. I am back to my old-self. Well, my old-self that is now my new-self, and best of all, I am sleeping better. Better, but not perfect. However, I will take better. And that better is without sleeping pills, which makes it perfect.
Turkey Break will be in less than two weeks and gosh, am I looking forward to it.
However, since I plan to boycott my computer during that time and I have a few papers due immediately upon my return from Turkey Break, I have to do some serious ass hauling on the paper and homework front between now and the next less-than two weeks. (yes, that is a run-on.)
How serious? This semester I have 19 papers due. I've finished five.
Just in case your math skills are like mine, I'll clarify: yeah, that's not good.
One of those papers is my HUGE research paper (not a thesis, but it might as well be and we have a semester to come up a subject and complete it) which I have hit a wall on. I need to change my paper a smidge (perhaps more than a smidge.) I was going to write about U.S. birth control policy 1850-Present; does policy affect society, or does society affect policy, but think I am going to change it to 1850-1900 and just touch on the last 100+ years. Not happy about that, but I do not think I have much choice in the matter. Too big, and too short of time to finish it. Technically I have until March. Actually, I want to finish by December.
On a personal front: not dating anyone. September and October I was dating three people. I no longer am. Sure the holidays are approaching and it would be nice, but let's be honest, why is it nice just to have someone around the holidays? It's not. It's nice to have a special someone all the time.
I am also done with the "someones" and looking for "the one."
On a therapy front: It is going very well. It has been very emotional and frustrating. It has affected my friendship with my best gal, but I think that rough patch is over.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, has turned out to be wrong.
All the reasons I thought I did something, nope, not so much. All those reasons were wrong.
So, that realization has affected who I thought I was. The reasons for my past failed relationships, the reasons for me being in grad school, my undergrad education, my extreme need for privacy, why I put my guard up, why I am guarded...all of it and so much more and I am sure even more that I have no idea about...all have, are, and will continue to become clear.
So, yes, it has been wonderfully gratifying to talk about everything, but incredibly emotional and heartbreaking.
Yet, I feel calm. Very calm. And strong. And maybe even a little brave. But, I'm not sure about that one yet. That one I will have to think about a little bit longer.
In the last two weeks everything has been back in technicolor. I am back to my old-self. Well, my old-self that is now my new-self, and best of all, I am sleeping better. Better, but not perfect. However, I will take better. And that better is without sleeping pills, which makes it perfect.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
a thought
this was forwarded to me, but thought it was something worth sharing:
Rosa sat so Martin could walk,
Martin walked so Barack could run,
Barack ran so our children could fly.
Rosa sat so Martin could walk,
Martin walked so Barack could run,
Barack ran so our children could fly.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
On Tuesday
Get your ass to the poles.
...and I don't mean the ones at the North or South ends of the Earth.
I mean the one with a ballot and a box and a curtain.
Hankie and pankie are not included.
Now. Go vote.
Then you can enjoy this
You Tube video. Or you can enjoy it now. Your choice. Much as it is at the ballot and the box. Your choice. No, really. Totally up to you. Don't be a sheep. Bah.
...and I don't mean the ones at the North or South ends of the Earth.
I mean the one with a ballot and a box and a curtain.
Hankie and pankie are not included.
Now. Go vote.
Then you can enjoy this
You Tube video. Or you can enjoy it now. Your choice. Much as it is at the ballot and the box. Your choice. No, really. Totally up to you. Don't be a sheep. Bah.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
inner dork: randomness
EBay was first used as an Internet site to buy and sell Pez dispensers.
Rocky Road ice cream was invented in 1929 to reflect the troubled times ahead.
Next to humans, elephants have the longest lifespan.
John Paul II eliminated the position of Devil's Advocate, which was originally used to argue against sainthood.
Mel Blank, the name of Porky Pig, has the words "That's all folks" written on his gravestone.
JFK, who graduated 64th out of 112 in his high school class, was voted "most likely to succeed."
That's all. It's a short and sweet dorking today. Or, what is a quickie.
Rocky Road ice cream was invented in 1929 to reflect the troubled times ahead.
Next to humans, elephants have the longest lifespan.
John Paul II eliminated the position of Devil's Advocate, which was originally used to argue against sainthood.
Mel Blank, the name of Porky Pig, has the words "That's all folks" written on his gravestone.
JFK, who graduated 64th out of 112 in his high school class, was voted "most likely to succeed."
That's all. It's a short and sweet dorking today. Or, what is a quickie.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
just a quick, hells ya, post
Whoa, what is this with so many posts in so many days. Must. Slow. Down.
....Anyway.
The scores for the CBA exam were posted today.
Turns out I passed.
Barely, but I'm counting it.
I friggin passed.
Which means I am still friggin in grad school.
Yep. I had made up my mind that if I did as bad as I was certain that I did, I was dropping the class this weekend/first of next week.
Eh, they're still stuck with me.
Funk is WAY over.
Let's hope it stays that way.
....Anyway.
The scores for the CBA exam were posted today.
Turns out I passed.
Barely, but I'm counting it.
I friggin passed.
Which means I am still friggin in grad school.
Yep. I had made up my mind that if I did as bad as I was certain that I did, I was dropping the class this weekend/first of next week.
Eh, they're still stuck with me.
Funk is WAY over.
Let's hope it stays that way.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
a new day
So I think I might be out of my funk.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Please god, let it be gone.
I'm still not sleeping that great. And even with 100mg of sleeping pills, I am not always falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Yes, it is nerve racking and irritating, mind numbing, frustrating and any other word you want to add an 'ing' to.
I've figured a lot of things out. Made a lot of connections. Put a lot of things together. Even though it can be heart wrenching, at the same time its incredibly rewarding, amazing, and makes me feel like I'm not nuts. So. Those are good things.
That's it really. My world is in technicolor today. It's pretty cool.
Maybe.
Hopefully.
Please god, let it be gone.
I'm still not sleeping that great. And even with 100mg of sleeping pills, I am not always falling asleep or sleeping through the night. Yes, it is nerve racking and irritating, mind numbing, frustrating and any other word you want to add an 'ing' to.
I've figured a lot of things out. Made a lot of connections. Put a lot of things together. Even though it can be heart wrenching, at the same time its incredibly rewarding, amazing, and makes me feel like I'm not nuts. So. Those are good things.
That's it really. My world is in technicolor today. It's pretty cool.
Monday, October 27, 2008
a bright sunny day
So after another brain-knocking-around-in-my-head, therapy session I decided to change my weekend schedule and try to figure some things out.
Friday: a bruise inducing massage session. Pain, gone. Lovely.
Saturday: Movie: "Nick and Nora's Infinite Play List" good movie, don't understand where the title comes from. Followed by a walk around downtown. Some discounted at supply shopping. A long drive on a fall day, a stop into the local bar for two beers and a greasy appetizer. A night in of DVD watching.
I figured some things out about myself, a had decent sleep (Because I bought some maximum strength sleeping pills (50mg) and I discovered last night that I need to take two of them. I don't know if I should be worried or not about that amount. But I am sleeping, so I don't know that I care.
I realized I miss live music in my life. So instead of hanging out with the gang who I cannot stand, and a male in the group who I do not want to be around, I will go to the local live music venue by myself on the weekends and just remember how much music means to me. I know, it sounds simple and probably hokey, but that's where I am at the moment.
That moment would be: trying to figure out who the hell I am, what I want to be when I grow-up, what makes me happy, and what my interests are. Because yeah, as of right now, I have no idea.
Friday: a bruise inducing massage session. Pain, gone. Lovely.
Saturday: Movie: "Nick and Nora's Infinite Play List" good movie, don't understand where the title comes from. Followed by a walk around downtown. Some discounted at supply shopping. A long drive on a fall day, a stop into the local bar for two beers and a greasy appetizer. A night in of DVD watching.
I figured some things out about myself, a had decent sleep (Because I bought some maximum strength sleeping pills (50mg) and I discovered last night that I need to take two of them. I don't know if I should be worried or not about that amount. But I am sleeping, so I don't know that I care.
I realized I miss live music in my life. So instead of hanging out with the gang who I cannot stand, and a male in the group who I do not want to be around, I will go to the local live music venue by myself on the weekends and just remember how much music means to me. I know, it sounds simple and probably hokey, but that's where I am at the moment.
That moment would be: trying to figure out who the hell I am, what I want to be when I grow-up, what makes me happy, and what my interests are. Because yeah, as of right now, I have no idea.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
baby steps as big steps and big steps as baby steps
Holy smoke! Two posts in one week, whoa, the insanity!
Okay, so I took the CBA exam. I felt really good about page one. Kicking ass and taking names on page one of the exam.
Then page two came.
It kicked my ass, tore off my head, and spit down my neck and told me I was its bitch.
Yeah.
Page two sucked.
We shall see.
However, on another note:
I just had the most mature break-up in the history of PG break-ups and I was open and honest about what I wanted and how I felt. I know! I'm excited for me too.
Oh, you didn't know I was seeing anyone. Yeah, I know. That's cause I really liked this man and I didn't want to jinx it, so mum on the blog. BUT, I saved him in my phone immediately, shared him with family and friends and was open and honest about the subjects we talked about. (He is also my best gal's cousin, so he came with recommendations.) And I know those things don't seem like big deals, but they are to me. Those things are HUGE to me.
However, he is in home city and I am not. So, long distance, blechy. Plus, I don't have any money, so I cannot go to home city very often. But really, that wasn't the issue. The issue was timing. That horrible awful thing about life that we cannot help or control. You know, because life gets in the way of life and such things like dating.
He is a CPA and went into partnership with some other men last year; however, he and his partner are now leaving the firm and it has not been as simple as it should be. There may or may not be a lawsuit with the other partners. So, he has no cash flow, lots of stress, and lots and lots of stress. This does not leave a lot of time for say, me. First girl he has liked in a really, really long time. And the first girl he has felt this comfortable around, ever. (His words, but I had to share.)
So I asked what he wanted. He told me. (He would like to keep seeing me, but knows it is not possible right now.)
I told him what I wanted. (That I would like to keep seeing him, but I want him to want to see me and have time for me, not to feel like I'm an obligation and someone he has to fit in.)
It was sad calmly, rationally, and he is going to see where he is in a few months. If things are better, he will get back in touch. I left the door open that any time he wants to chat, to feel free and that a few months is a long time and there can be doubt and concern about calling someone after that amount of time, I told him not to worry, to feel free to call me.
Very mature. very big for me. I know I should be sad, but I am so proud of myself I can't stop smiling. (And yes sad. I liked him. I'm tired of this thing called dating. Enough with the interviews with cocktails, let me land the job already.)
Big steps at a baby step size at a time.
Okay, so I took the CBA exam. I felt really good about page one. Kicking ass and taking names on page one of the exam.
Then page two came.
It kicked my ass, tore off my head, and spit down my neck and told me I was its bitch.
Yeah.
Page two sucked.
We shall see.
However, on another note:
I just had the most mature break-up in the history of PG break-ups and I was open and honest about what I wanted and how I felt. I know! I'm excited for me too.
Oh, you didn't know I was seeing anyone. Yeah, I know. That's cause I really liked this man and I didn't want to jinx it, so mum on the blog. BUT, I saved him in my phone immediately, shared him with family and friends and was open and honest about the subjects we talked about. (He is also my best gal's cousin, so he came with recommendations.) And I know those things don't seem like big deals, but they are to me. Those things are HUGE to me.
However, he is in home city and I am not. So, long distance, blechy. Plus, I don't have any money, so I cannot go to home city very often. But really, that wasn't the issue. The issue was timing. That horrible awful thing about life that we cannot help or control. You know, because life gets in the way of life and such things like dating.
He is a CPA and went into partnership with some other men last year; however, he and his partner are now leaving the firm and it has not been as simple as it should be. There may or may not be a lawsuit with the other partners. So, he has no cash flow, lots of stress, and lots and lots of stress. This does not leave a lot of time for say, me. First girl he has liked in a really, really long time. And the first girl he has felt this comfortable around, ever. (His words, but I had to share.)
So I asked what he wanted. He told me. (He would like to keep seeing me, but knows it is not possible right now.)
I told him what I wanted. (That I would like to keep seeing him, but I want him to want to see me and have time for me, not to feel like I'm an obligation and someone he has to fit in.)
It was sad calmly, rationally, and he is going to see where he is in a few months. If things are better, he will get back in touch. I left the door open that any time he wants to chat, to feel free and that a few months is a long time and there can be doubt and concern about calling someone after that amount of time, I told him not to worry, to feel free to call me.
Very mature. very big for me. I know I should be sad, but I am so proud of myself I can't stop smiling. (And yes sad. I liked him. I'm tired of this thing called dating. Enough with the interviews with cocktails, let me land the job already.)
Big steps at a baby step size at a time.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
where I've been, where I am hopefully going
Oh, what has happened in the last 20 days or so. And so sorry, had no idea it had been so long since the last post, where does the time go?
On a quick note, "Snow Fall at Night" has shown back-up at my door. It was returned via U.S. postman last week. It only cost me $23.00 to be returned to my hands. Where has it been? London post tried once to deliver it in July and it has been in the post back to me since then, go figure.
School: Yeah, my future will be determined by my mid-term in Cost Benefit Analysis tomorrow. I get it in class, I get it in my notes, but apparently when it comes to my homework and test time, I don't get it. I'm not the only one, I'm just the one who is doing the worst in the class. Not embarrassing at all. So if I don't do well on the mid-term I will be dropping the class which means I will not graduate which means I will be to topic of discussion among my peers. I hate that.
However, as of right now, (I am sure this will change.) I am ready for my fate, whatever it might be. And I am doing the best I can given my mental capacity right now. I am sure, I know, I will be upset if I have to drop the class, but again, I also know I am doing the best I can.
I don't know. I understand that moving to a new place takes time, but gosh, I still do hate it here. I know part of it is the age difference between me and the other students in the program, that and I don't really like most of them. Tolerate, but not like. As in, don't want to spend my time outside of class with them.
The one gal who I do get along with, I feel I rely on her way too much and I'm not comfortable with that. At all.
I haven't been going out because, well, I don't like to go out with the people in the class with me. It take more energy than it is worth. Remember what you were like at 23? Remember how annoying you found it by 30? The median age is 23. I am not 23. Also, that whole self-destructiveness I tend to have. I don't need to add copious amounts of alcohol.
This leads to therapy. I am really happy with my progress, but basically I am trying (wanting) to change a lot of things about me while at the same time realizing that a lot about me is not who or what I thought it was, or the reasons for why I do things are not why I thought I did them. It's been a rough and tough road. You know, not realizing who I am and what I thought was true isn't.
So combine the stress of school, still not sleeping, still feeling like I am in a new place, no family, only one person who I consider a close friend, dealing with 34 years of schtuff, going from perpetually perky and cynical to angry and depressed....yeah, it's been fun. Saturday night was spent in sobs. Good times. In my sobbing state I asked my best gal to come over and to be honest, I don't remember some of what I said, told, but I do know that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with it the next day. I feel vulnerable, isolated, silly (in a bad way), alone, and not at all what I am used to. I know it will change, I know it is a process. No I don't want to go on anti-depressants. That's a large part of the problem, that for all of this I haven't felt anything, didn't allow myself to feel anything. And yes, I need sleep.
So, yeah. That's where I am.
On a quick note, "Snow Fall at Night" has shown back-up at my door. It was returned via U.S. postman last week. It only cost me $23.00 to be returned to my hands. Where has it been? London post tried once to deliver it in July and it has been in the post back to me since then, go figure.
School: Yeah, my future will be determined by my mid-term in Cost Benefit Analysis tomorrow. I get it in class, I get it in my notes, but apparently when it comes to my homework and test time, I don't get it. I'm not the only one, I'm just the one who is doing the worst in the class. Not embarrassing at all. So if I don't do well on the mid-term I will be dropping the class which means I will not graduate which means I will be to topic of discussion among my peers. I hate that.
However, as of right now, (I am sure this will change.) I am ready for my fate, whatever it might be. And I am doing the best I can given my mental capacity right now. I am sure, I know, I will be upset if I have to drop the class, but again, I also know I am doing the best I can.
I don't know. I understand that moving to a new place takes time, but gosh, I still do hate it here. I know part of it is the age difference between me and the other students in the program, that and I don't really like most of them. Tolerate, but not like. As in, don't want to spend my time outside of class with them.
The one gal who I do get along with, I feel I rely on her way too much and I'm not comfortable with that. At all.
I haven't been going out because, well, I don't like to go out with the people in the class with me. It take more energy than it is worth. Remember what you were like at 23? Remember how annoying you found it by 30? The median age is 23. I am not 23. Also, that whole self-destructiveness I tend to have. I don't need to add copious amounts of alcohol.
This leads to therapy. I am really happy with my progress, but basically I am trying (wanting) to change a lot of things about me while at the same time realizing that a lot about me is not who or what I thought it was, or the reasons for why I do things are not why I thought I did them. It's been a rough and tough road. You know, not realizing who I am and what I thought was true isn't.
So combine the stress of school, still not sleeping, still feeling like I am in a new place, no family, only one person who I consider a close friend, dealing with 34 years of schtuff, going from perpetually perky and cynical to angry and depressed....yeah, it's been fun. Saturday night was spent in sobs. Good times. In my sobbing state I asked my best gal to come over and to be honest, I don't remember some of what I said, told, but I do know that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with it the next day. I feel vulnerable, isolated, silly (in a bad way), alone, and not at all what I am used to. I know it will change, I know it is a process. No I don't want to go on anti-depressants. That's a large part of the problem, that for all of this I haven't felt anything, didn't allow myself to feel anything. And yes, I need sleep.
So, yeah. That's where I am.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
the artist that is I
...or what I love doing and wish I could do all day while the funding for paints, canvases, and the creativity are flowing altogether. I don't care if you like them, cause I do. (so there.)
This was a birthday present to my Mama in April: "A New Day"
This was the painting sent to London, which was lost in the mail (not bitter) "Snow Falling at Night"
just to show how much painting/texture was on the canvas. (It was pretty damn cool, if I do say.) (And I just did.)
What was before: (Took a lot of time and I hated it.)
What was after four paintings over of what was:...I don't remember the title and I'm too lazy to look behind the painting at the moment. Painted over the painting weekend.
Twister: (also has a lot of texture that is lost in a picture.)
This will a series of three. This is a "morning" painting called "Morning Glory" as in, what's the story...painted as part of the weekend series.
This will be the other two...when I'm happy with them, which is not now.
An afternoon and an evening painting. Part of the painting weekend.
Untitled and I started this in Spring of 2007, finished it this past spring.
"Love Thy Self" painted over the weekend.
"Imprints" or what is my left hand, also, painted over the weekend.
This was a birthday present to my Mama in April: "A New Day"
This was the painting sent to London, which was lost in the mail (not bitter) "Snow Falling at Night"
just to show how much painting/texture was on the canvas. (It was pretty damn cool, if I do say.) (And I just did.)
What was before: (Took a lot of time and I hated it.)
What was after four paintings over of what was:...I don't remember the title and I'm too lazy to look behind the painting at the moment. Painted over the painting weekend.
Twister: (also has a lot of texture that is lost in a picture.)
This will a series of three. This is a "morning" painting called "Morning Glory" as in, what's the story...painted as part of the weekend series.
This will be the other two...when I'm happy with them, which is not now.
An afternoon and an evening painting. Part of the painting weekend.
Untitled and I started this in Spring of 2007, finished it this past spring.
"Love Thy Self" painted over the weekend.
"Imprints" or what is my left hand, also, painted over the weekend.
inner dork: contraceptive through the ages
Did you know...
The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom is 12-15,000 years old and the illustration can be seen on a cave in France.
(I would really like to see this illustration. I mean, how is this depiction illustrated?)
The oldest condoms were found in the foundations of Dudley Castle in England. They were made of animal gut and date from 1640.
(Was the sperm that old, or the animal gut?)
Dating from 1850 BCE, in ancient Egypt, recipes for barrier methods of birth control were buried with the dead to prevent unintended pregnancies in the afterlife.
Spermicides included: honey, sodium carbonate, and crocodile dung.
(Can you imagine the croc dung and the aftereffects of using dung as birth control? Say the smell? The ooze?...okay, I'll stop there.)
By 1550 BCE Egyptian women used cotton-lint tampons soaked in the fermented juice of acacia plants to prevent pregnancy.
By the first century, women in India were using rock salt soaked in oil for birth control. Other methods included honey, clarified butter, and palasha tree seeds, as well as elephant dung and water.
(Again with the smell and ooze.)
Casanova takes credit for inventing the diaphragm. He would use the halves of squeezed lemons and place it over the cervix.
However, Greeks used pomegranate halves as diaphragms.
(Take that Casanova.)
Methods used for sponges: tissue paper, beeswax, rubber, wool, pepper (ouch!), seeds, silver, tree roots, rock salt, fruits, vegetables (Hmm, which ones?), and balls of opium (I'm sure it numbed the cervix, or maybe the sperm, but that's probably about it.)
AND finally, Lysol was originally marketed as a vaginal douche to use after intercourse.
(Yes, there was internal damage, infection, and even deaths.)
(Cannot even begin to image the pain and desperation.)
Oh, and 7-UP was also used as a vaginal douche to prevent pregnancy.
(Sweet and bubbly.)
Thank god for the 21 century and the access to information.
The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom is 12-15,000 years old and the illustration can be seen on a cave in France.
(I would really like to see this illustration. I mean, how is this depiction illustrated?)
The oldest condoms were found in the foundations of Dudley Castle in England. They were made of animal gut and date from 1640.
(Was the sperm that old, or the animal gut?)
Dating from 1850 BCE, in ancient Egypt, recipes for barrier methods of birth control were buried with the dead to prevent unintended pregnancies in the afterlife.
Spermicides included: honey, sodium carbonate, and crocodile dung.
(Can you imagine the croc dung and the aftereffects of using dung as birth control? Say the smell? The ooze?...okay, I'll stop there.)
By 1550 BCE Egyptian women used cotton-lint tampons soaked in the fermented juice of acacia plants to prevent pregnancy.
By the first century, women in India were using rock salt soaked in oil for birth control. Other methods included honey, clarified butter, and palasha tree seeds, as well as elephant dung and water.
(Again with the smell and ooze.)
Casanova takes credit for inventing the diaphragm. He would use the halves of squeezed lemons and place it over the cervix.
However, Greeks used pomegranate halves as diaphragms.
(Take that Casanova.)
Methods used for sponges: tissue paper, beeswax, rubber, wool, pepper (ouch!), seeds, silver, tree roots, rock salt, fruits, vegetables (Hmm, which ones?), and balls of opium (I'm sure it numbed the cervix, or maybe the sperm, but that's probably about it.)
AND finally, Lysol was originally marketed as a vaginal douche to use after intercourse.
(Yes, there was internal damage, infection, and even deaths.)
(Cannot even begin to image the pain and desperation.)
Oh, and 7-UP was also used as a vaginal douche to prevent pregnancy.
(Sweet and bubbly.)
Thank god for the 21 century and the access to information.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
a jumble full of mess
Hmmmm, so much has happened, but no idea where to start.
Therapy is going well. My therapist has the ability to say a word or a sentence that has the power to knock the breath out of me and rattle my brain around in its cage. This is a good thing, just makes for a quiet and introspective rest of my day.
With my last post and the weekend of my migraine and mass painting adventure, I discovered that I never loved myself. Now, had someone pointed that out to me, I would have fought tooth and nail against that claim, but I found it out for myself. Sad, but true. Liked myself a whole lot....or maybe that isn't even true...just didn't love me. I am working on this. I've already made progress in this area.
On a side note: I have self-esteem that I should not have. How I can have high self-esteem without loving myself, don't know, but I do.
I think.
I have slept four nights in a row...and taken a long nap. This is exciting news. (please let this become a trend.)
I'm not sure I will graduate with an MPP degree.
I'm not sure I want to.
I'm not entirely sure I'm supposed to be here.
My therapist thinks I am supposed to be here.
"Here" is college. Grad school more specifically.
Why don't I think I will graduate: Cost-Benefit Analysis. Heavy on the math, heavier on the econ. Not good for PG. Not good at all.
Now, I always did well in my undergrad math classes and here's why: lots and lots of tutoring help. Like, 8 hours a week, help.
But, I also don't know that I want to graduate. I don't want to give-up or quit. No, no, no. I would finish out my two years, but no degree.
I've met with my advisor, talked with the professor of CBA, talked with a few other people and I'm still looking at my options. I've asked what the difference will be between a masters vs no masters, but two years of study towards a masters with almost 20+ years of work experience. No one can seem to answer this question. They all think it's a great question, but no one can seem to answer it. I am still on my pursuit of this information.
Why all of this matters and is making me even more introspective than before: because my therapist said one of her knock the wind out of me comments which was (to paraphrase) that given everything I've been through I might not even know who I really am.
Ummmmmmm.
Yeah.
This had already occurred to me over the summer. Little things here and there that I was realizing about little ol me. So given all of the schtuff from the summer, plus this fall, plus me and how I feel towards school, maybe I chose wrong. (Think Indiana Jones when he picks the Holy Grail)
I dunnno.
Just some thoughts going through the head of me.
I'm sure there will be more...many more...to come. (Thoughts, that is.) (Or, thoughts that are.)
In the meantime, I'm having a really hard time caring. Not about life, no, no, no, about school. I really just want to work on me and take care of me. I've put that off for so long and now I'm finally ready to dive head first into all of it and well, there's all that school crap coming into play.
Oh, and given the fact that I hate one of my prof, that is not helping. (He made my best gal cry in his office and I worked up quite the fire in me giving my presentation in front of my peers over my subject matter that I will be writing my research paper on. Something about him rolling his eyes at me and giving me a hard time about the subject (birth control and U.S. Policy 1850-to present) even though everything on the outline is what he told me to include.) Yeah, I was a bit testy and "fiery" to use my peers terms. I.had.taken.enough.shit. I stopped my presentation and asked him why he was rolling his eyes at me. Yep.
That was a tad whiny. I apologize. Well, not really.
Anyway.
I'll hopefully post the work by me, the artist, later this week.
Therapy is going well. My therapist has the ability to say a word or a sentence that has the power to knock the breath out of me and rattle my brain around in its cage. This is a good thing, just makes for a quiet and introspective rest of my day.
With my last post and the weekend of my migraine and mass painting adventure, I discovered that I never loved myself. Now, had someone pointed that out to me, I would have fought tooth and nail against that claim, but I found it out for myself. Sad, but true. Liked myself a whole lot....or maybe that isn't even true...just didn't love me. I am working on this. I've already made progress in this area.
On a side note: I have self-esteem that I should not have. How I can have high self-esteem without loving myself, don't know, but I do.
I think.
I have slept four nights in a row...and taken a long nap. This is exciting news. (please let this become a trend.)
I'm not sure I will graduate with an MPP degree.
I'm not sure I want to.
I'm not entirely sure I'm supposed to be here.
My therapist thinks I am supposed to be here.
"Here" is college. Grad school more specifically.
Why don't I think I will graduate: Cost-Benefit Analysis. Heavy on the math, heavier on the econ. Not good for PG. Not good at all.
Now, I always did well in my undergrad math classes and here's why: lots and lots of tutoring help. Like, 8 hours a week, help.
But, I also don't know that I want to graduate. I don't want to give-up or quit. No, no, no. I would finish out my two years, but no degree.
I've met with my advisor, talked with the professor of CBA, talked with a few other people and I'm still looking at my options. I've asked what the difference will be between a masters vs no masters, but two years of study towards a masters with almost 20+ years of work experience. No one can seem to answer this question. They all think it's a great question, but no one can seem to answer it. I am still on my pursuit of this information.
Why all of this matters and is making me even more introspective than before: because my therapist said one of her knock the wind out of me comments which was (to paraphrase) that given everything I've been through I might not even know who I really am.
Ummmmmmm.
Yeah.
This had already occurred to me over the summer. Little things here and there that I was realizing about little ol me. So given all of the schtuff from the summer, plus this fall, plus me and how I feel towards school, maybe I chose wrong. (Think Indiana Jones when he picks the Holy Grail)
I dunnno.
Just some thoughts going through the head of me.
I'm sure there will be more...many more...to come. (Thoughts, that is.) (Or, thoughts that are.)
In the meantime, I'm having a really hard time caring. Not about life, no, no, no, about school. I really just want to work on me and take care of me. I've put that off for so long and now I'm finally ready to dive head first into all of it and well, there's all that school crap coming into play.
Oh, and given the fact that I hate one of my prof, that is not helping. (He made my best gal cry in his office and I worked up quite the fire in me giving my presentation in front of my peers over my subject matter that I will be writing my research paper on. Something about him rolling his eyes at me and giving me a hard time about the subject (birth control and U.S. Policy 1850-to present) even though everything on the outline is what he told me to include.) Yeah, I was a bit testy and "fiery" to use my peers terms. I.had.taken.enough.shit. I stopped my presentation and asked him why he was rolling his eyes at me. Yep.
That was a tad whiny. I apologize. Well, not really.
Anyway.
I'll hopefully post the work by me, the artist, later this week.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
How a migraine can prove beneficial
...it kept me quiet and inside this weekend, which lead to me watching mindless TV on Friday. Friday night, horrible sleep. The OTC, not great.
Saturday, or the day after the migraine, which it always takes me two days to recover, I fluctuated between wanting to throw-up and being ravenously hungry, (which one will win the battle????) I also had a really strong urge to paint.
Off to the art store. Purchasing several small canvases and new paint colors later, I spent yesterday with paint on my hands, fingernails, and a few splotches on my forearms, all in the name of creativity. However, the quite time also made me realize and remember some more things. It was good, productive quiet time.
Due to the migraine I canceled my plans last night and spent another night watching mindless movies and still painting....well into the early morning.
I tried the sleeping pills again, I took them WELL in advance of going to bed (several hours in advance) so when I went to bed after 2, I fell fast asleep and slept all night. One pee break, otherwise a full night of 8 hours of sleep...with another hour trying for a ninth..no such luck.
However, I slept so soundly that I have a kink in my neck, but truly, ask me if I care. (Hells no.)
Today will be spent finishing the many paintings I started yesterday, watching mindless TV, and hitting the books...sometime...today.
This is said without any sarcasm what-so-ever (brace yourself) even with the migraine, the day-after effects of a migraine, and a kink in my neck, this was one of the best weekends I've had in a very, very long time.
Saturday, or the day after the migraine, which it always takes me two days to recover, I fluctuated between wanting to throw-up and being ravenously hungry, (which one will win the battle????) I also had a really strong urge to paint.
Off to the art store. Purchasing several small canvases and new paint colors later, I spent yesterday with paint on my hands, fingernails, and a few splotches on my forearms, all in the name of creativity. However, the quite time also made me realize and remember some more things. It was good, productive quiet time.
Due to the migraine I canceled my plans last night and spent another night watching mindless movies and still painting....well into the early morning.
I tried the sleeping pills again, I took them WELL in advance of going to bed (several hours in advance) so when I went to bed after 2, I fell fast asleep and slept all night. One pee break, otherwise a full night of 8 hours of sleep...with another hour trying for a ninth..no such luck.
However, I slept so soundly that I have a kink in my neck, but truly, ask me if I care. (Hells no.)
Today will be spent finishing the many paintings I started yesterday, watching mindless TV, and hitting the books...sometime...today.
This is said without any sarcasm what-so-ever (brace yourself) even with the migraine, the day-after effects of a migraine, and a kink in my neck, this was one of the best weekends I've had in a very, very long time.
Friday, September 19, 2008
the therapy begins
Today I met with my therapist. I think I'm going to really like her and the sessions will prove beneficial.
Good news, the sessions are "free." The reason for the quotes? Well, they are not really free, they are part of my student health fee, so I would be paying for them whether I was using the services are not. So, I plan to take full advantage of the free-ness.
I just hope I am "cured" by May. That's when I graduate. And those quotes are because, are we ever cured? Doubtful.
I've already had a few mini-little-breakthroughs. Actually, that's not the right word, perhaps connections is a better word, as to why I do what I do. Which is comforting.
She told me today that we will work towards discussing the rapes and she will push me in that direction. I thanked her for that. I confessed that I'm pretty good at talking about everything but whatever the problem might be.
I have a standing Friday morning appointment with her for the semester. That alone I find comforting.
Unfortunately, the migraine I've felt coming on all week, finally made head-fall today. So, today was beneficial, productive, and then came to a crashing halt.
On the insomnia front: After having a whiwind of emotions yesterday, ranging from silliness, happiness, breathing after my CBA test, and then running head-first into anger, the night ended in another night of not sleeping (falling asleep a little after 3 and waking-up at 7:30.) So, this morning I bought some different over-the-counter sleeping pills. I will try them tonight. Here's desperately hoping they work. I bought them before my session this morning. My therapist told me if they don't work, I really need to consider a prescription. Yeah, I agree. The insomnia is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention: not productive, adding fuel to the emotional fire, and effecting other aspects of my life. Enough already.
So, just a short update on the progress that will commence henceforth.
Good news, the sessions are "free." The reason for the quotes? Well, they are not really free, they are part of my student health fee, so I would be paying for them whether I was using the services are not. So, I plan to take full advantage of the free-ness.
I just hope I am "cured" by May. That's when I graduate. And those quotes are because, are we ever cured? Doubtful.
I've already had a few mini-little-breakthroughs. Actually, that's not the right word, perhaps connections is a better word, as to why I do what I do. Which is comforting.
She told me today that we will work towards discussing the rapes and she will push me in that direction. I thanked her for that. I confessed that I'm pretty good at talking about everything but whatever the problem might be.
I have a standing Friday morning appointment with her for the semester. That alone I find comforting.
Unfortunately, the migraine I've felt coming on all week, finally made head-fall today. So, today was beneficial, productive, and then came to a crashing halt.
On the insomnia front: After having a whiwind of emotions yesterday, ranging from silliness, happiness, breathing after my CBA test, and then running head-first into anger, the night ended in another night of not sleeping (falling asleep a little after 3 and waking-up at 7:30.) So, this morning I bought some different over-the-counter sleeping pills. I will try them tonight. Here's desperately hoping they work. I bought them before my session this morning. My therapist told me if they don't work, I really need to consider a prescription. Yeah, I agree. The insomnia is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention: not productive, adding fuel to the emotional fire, and effecting other aspects of my life. Enough already.
So, just a short update on the progress that will commence henceforth.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Polaroid snapshots
So, why is alcohol an upper until it becomes a downer? There are the obvious reasons; the hangover, the cry-fest, the drama and the trauma that could and would be otherwise avoided if it wasn't for the fermented cocktails and beverages...and I'm sure so many other reasons. However, for me, it's all about a fateful Saturday night a little over a week ago. Did anything tragic or traumatic happen in the world, that depends on how you look at it.
A little background:
I had spent most of August sitting by my pool by day and drinking with my guy friends at night. Insomnia was still a beast I could not conquer, so there was little to no sleep happening as well. Basically everyday that was the story. There was a nine day in-a-row streak of drinking every night. Not a big deal until you factor in what was going on with me psychologically and emotionally. Mix it altogether and it was a potent cocktail that did not need to be shaken or stirred.
What was the cocktail?
Equal parts:
* I never cried over the stress, disappointment, and frustration that was Brazil.
* I did not want to return to Small State U city, because I hate it here and I do not feel like I fit in with any of the other students.
* I want to smack most of the other students just about everyday because I cannot identify with them. I blame it on age. There's, not mine.
* My best gal and I were on the outs. Also known as the only person I felt close to here in City I Hate and Program I Stress Over.
* I had shared my feeling with her a few times over the summer in terms of me worrying that we were drifting apart and I didn't feel she took it seriously. Why was this a big deal? Because just about every time I have ever had the courage to tell someone how I feel about something, in terms of relationships whether they are lovers or friends I am almost always ignored and what I worried and tried to prevent from happening through conversation, then comes to fruition.
*Being the gal to go out and drink with, but not feeling important enough to do anything beyond getting drunk with.
* Still being bombarded on a daily basis with memories I had tried to forget, had forgotten, and epiphanies that I was thankful for, but could not handle on my own.
*Feeling lonely and out of place for the first time in my life.
* Fucktard telling me the things he did. (Short recap: sexy, but need to lose weight, my life goal is pointless. Beautiful, but... Sticking his tongue down my throat and a hand in my crotch...both not welcomed or appreciated..and on and on
* Oh, and more days of no sleep than with sleep.
* Self-doubt a constant plague in terms of grad school.
..and on and on. (Truly depressing.)
In August I discovered I have self-destructive tendencies. No, duh, right? Sure, but I was ready to throw it all out and throw it all away and fuck the consequences. I was ready to sleep with my married guy-friend, end my friendship with my best gal, drink my way into oblivion and smoke as much pot as I did when I was 21 (Or what is all of Mexico.) because, fuck everyone, I need no one. (Another thing I am famous for.) The self-determination, or stupidity, that I need no one in this world but me and only me. Fuck-ya-all. (This is said to myself, not out loud or to anyone at all, just all said in my head in a very self-determined sort of way.) (Cause, that makes it seem less crazy and much more healthy.)
My best gal and I patched things up one night outside a bar. I was very thankful and it was a turning point.
A turning point into a very deep depression and sadness.
Here's the cocktail of reasons:
* My best gal, after only dating one other person in her life (which happened last year at the age of 24) met someone over the summer and she is ridiculously happy, and I am happy for her. But. I am also sad. Really, 25, dated two people, and you're done? What-the-fuck-ever.
* Epiphanies, epiphanies, epiphanies.
* Memories, memories, memories.
* Stories, times, relationships, ugliness that no one...no one...should have to endure all came rushing back to me.
Imagine your life coming back to you. Things from your past that you thought were over, done, dealt with. Memories that had been shoved and stored away are slowing, one-by-one being pulled out of their shoebox and shown back to you in a Polaroid snapshot. That's what this summer has been for me. Random flashes of my forgotten past.
Memories in the form of:
Verbal and emotional abuse from my father. (Things said, things done, fights, words, yelling, screaming.)
Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my first boyfriend at 16 and a guy who was supposed to be my best friend at the same age. (One day I remembered that the "friend" had tried to suffocate me. I was lying down and out of nowhere he just put his hand over my mouth and nose. The reason? To see how I would react.) (So, so many mind games they played. So, so much betrayal.)
More friends than I can count or remember who left, betrayed, lied, cheated, and simply did not care about me, how I felt, what I said, or friendships I was trying to save.
Being raped at 17 and 23.
The consequences and ramifications of both rapes that followed and still do.
So many throw-away relationships and I was the one being thrown away and letting myself be thrown away, because I didn't care. I was just out to have fun. So, who cared.
(It's depressing just to type out and read back to myself.)
Which led to the feeling of: For the first time in my life wanting love from a man. Not sex, or a fling, or a distraction, but really wanting to be wanted, loved, from someone, not just anyone.
....Sadness swept over me.
Depression kept me in bed.
Which all lead to:
A little over a week ago, after spending all day in bed, I went out with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. I did not want to go, but knew it was the right thing to do.
I drank, and I drank, and I drank. Not cocktails, but shots.
I. Did. Not. Care.
And worse, I was not getting drunk, I was only getting more sad. All kept neatly tucked inside. Laughing and having a fabulous time buying drinks for the birthday boy and being sociable with everyone, but inside wanting to go home and be alone.
At one point I went outside where some of the group was sitting and I tried to talk to them, tried to interject, I felt completely invalid.
Back inside the bar.
Fucktard who put me down a week before, asked me what was wrong as I was being distant from him. In a very calm and direct manner I told him what was wrong, how he talked to me, how I was not going to put up with it and I had put up with it enough in my life and I was not going to do it anymore. I had been through enough. I was mad at him, but more so, I was mad at myself. At this point I was not going to be his friend anymore. This conversation happened as I was about to leave with my best gal. (Her driving)
Which lead to: (are you still with me?)
In the car, with best gal driving, I lost it. Tears, emotions, feelings, words it all came pouring out. I thought it just had to do with that night, but I am pretty sure that random Saturday was nothing more than an outlet for the past 34 years. Thirty-four years of crap. Thirty-four years of crap, put-up-with-ness, letting things slide, not wanting to deal with them at the time and so now they are all coming back to me. The past and the present all colliding into my future and it's a mess. Not to mention ridiculously inconvenient timing. Really? Grad school? Not the best time to try and deal with shit, ya know?
So, after thinking about it, I've decided I need to seek counseling and therapy and really deal with my past. Not sugar-coat it and say I want to talk about it, but then never bring it up. No, it's time. I'm tired. I'm tired of the same self-destructive tendencies and the only person who is left in the end is me. I'm done. I'm tired of my past dictating my future. It's time to deal and then move on. I know I've said this before, and I am better at breaking bad habits and such, but I need to really dig down into the ugliness and delve into the deep end of the emotional fucked-up pool. I'm done. It's time for love, no more distractions.
A little background:
I had spent most of August sitting by my pool by day and drinking with my guy friends at night. Insomnia was still a beast I could not conquer, so there was little to no sleep happening as well. Basically everyday that was the story. There was a nine day in-a-row streak of drinking every night. Not a big deal until you factor in what was going on with me psychologically and emotionally. Mix it altogether and it was a potent cocktail that did not need to be shaken or stirred.
What was the cocktail?
Equal parts:
* I never cried over the stress, disappointment, and frustration that was Brazil.
* I did not want to return to Small State U city, because I hate it here and I do not feel like I fit in with any of the other students.
* I want to smack most of the other students just about everyday because I cannot identify with them. I blame it on age. There's, not mine.
* My best gal and I were on the outs. Also known as the only person I felt close to here in City I Hate and Program I Stress Over.
* I had shared my feeling with her a few times over the summer in terms of me worrying that we were drifting apart and I didn't feel she took it seriously. Why was this a big deal? Because just about every time I have ever had the courage to tell someone how I feel about something, in terms of relationships whether they are lovers or friends I am almost always ignored and what I worried and tried to prevent from happening through conversation, then comes to fruition.
*Being the gal to go out and drink with, but not feeling important enough to do anything beyond getting drunk with.
* Still being bombarded on a daily basis with memories I had tried to forget, had forgotten, and epiphanies that I was thankful for, but could not handle on my own.
*Feeling lonely and out of place for the first time in my life.
* Fucktard telling me the things he did. (Short recap: sexy, but need to lose weight, my life goal is pointless. Beautiful, but... Sticking his tongue down my throat and a hand in my crotch...both not welcomed or appreciated..and on and on
* Oh, and more days of no sleep than with sleep.
* Self-doubt a constant plague in terms of grad school.
..and on and on. (Truly depressing.)
In August I discovered I have self-destructive tendencies. No, duh, right? Sure, but I was ready to throw it all out and throw it all away and fuck the consequences. I was ready to sleep with my married guy-friend, end my friendship with my best gal, drink my way into oblivion and smoke as much pot as I did when I was 21 (Or what is all of Mexico.) because, fuck everyone, I need no one. (Another thing I am famous for.) The self-determination, or stupidity, that I need no one in this world but me and only me. Fuck-ya-all. (This is said to myself, not out loud or to anyone at all, just all said in my head in a very self-determined sort of way.) (Cause, that makes it seem less crazy and much more healthy.)
My best gal and I patched things up one night outside a bar. I was very thankful and it was a turning point.
A turning point into a very deep depression and sadness.
Here's the cocktail of reasons:
* My best gal, after only dating one other person in her life (which happened last year at the age of 24) met someone over the summer and she is ridiculously happy, and I am happy for her. But. I am also sad. Really, 25, dated two people, and you're done? What-the-fuck-ever.
* Epiphanies, epiphanies, epiphanies.
* Memories, memories, memories.
* Stories, times, relationships, ugliness that no one...no one...should have to endure all came rushing back to me.
Imagine your life coming back to you. Things from your past that you thought were over, done, dealt with. Memories that had been shoved and stored away are slowing, one-by-one being pulled out of their shoebox and shown back to you in a Polaroid snapshot. That's what this summer has been for me. Random flashes of my forgotten past.
Memories in the form of:
Verbal and emotional abuse from my father. (Things said, things done, fights, words, yelling, screaming.)
Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my first boyfriend at 16 and a guy who was supposed to be my best friend at the same age. (One day I remembered that the "friend" had tried to suffocate me. I was lying down and out of nowhere he just put his hand over my mouth and nose. The reason? To see how I would react.) (So, so many mind games they played. So, so much betrayal.)
More friends than I can count or remember who left, betrayed, lied, cheated, and simply did not care about me, how I felt, what I said, or friendships I was trying to save.
Being raped at 17 and 23.
The consequences and ramifications of both rapes that followed and still do.
So many throw-away relationships and I was the one being thrown away and letting myself be thrown away, because I didn't care. I was just out to have fun. So, who cared.
(It's depressing just to type out and read back to myself.)
Which led to the feeling of: For the first time in my life wanting love from a man. Not sex, or a fling, or a distraction, but really wanting to be wanted, loved, from someone, not just anyone.
....Sadness swept over me.
Depression kept me in bed.
Which all lead to:
A little over a week ago, after spending all day in bed, I went out with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. I did not want to go, but knew it was the right thing to do.
I drank, and I drank, and I drank. Not cocktails, but shots.
I. Did. Not. Care.
And worse, I was not getting drunk, I was only getting more sad. All kept neatly tucked inside. Laughing and having a fabulous time buying drinks for the birthday boy and being sociable with everyone, but inside wanting to go home and be alone.
At one point I went outside where some of the group was sitting and I tried to talk to them, tried to interject, I felt completely invalid.
Back inside the bar.
Fucktard who put me down a week before, asked me what was wrong as I was being distant from him. In a very calm and direct manner I told him what was wrong, how he talked to me, how I was not going to put up with it and I had put up with it enough in my life and I was not going to do it anymore. I had been through enough. I was mad at him, but more so, I was mad at myself. At this point I was not going to be his friend anymore. This conversation happened as I was about to leave with my best gal. (Her driving)
Which lead to: (are you still with me?)
In the car, with best gal driving, I lost it. Tears, emotions, feelings, words it all came pouring out. I thought it just had to do with that night, but I am pretty sure that random Saturday was nothing more than an outlet for the past 34 years. Thirty-four years of crap. Thirty-four years of crap, put-up-with-ness, letting things slide, not wanting to deal with them at the time and so now they are all coming back to me. The past and the present all colliding into my future and it's a mess. Not to mention ridiculously inconvenient timing. Really? Grad school? Not the best time to try and deal with shit, ya know?
So, after thinking about it, I've decided I need to seek counseling and therapy and really deal with my past. Not sugar-coat it and say I want to talk about it, but then never bring it up. No, it's time. I'm tired. I'm tired of the same self-destructive tendencies and the only person who is left in the end is me. I'm done. I'm tired of my past dictating my future. It's time to deal and then move on. I know I've said this before, and I am better at breaking bad habits and such, but I need to really dig down into the ugliness and delve into the deep end of the emotional fucked-up pool. I'm done. It's time for love, no more distractions.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
you go in for a massage...
feel completely re-energized, realize throughout the day that your slowly being covered in bruises, go to bed, sleep great, wake-up with more bruises. My ass and hips look like I sat on a bunch of raspberries. My right thigh is one big bruise. Two small bruises above each boob, one small one on each arm. But, totally worth it.
I've had a lot of massages, the fluff and stuff, the found a kink, worked it out kind, but yesterday I found a gal who when I said, "I want a deep tissue massage, full of elbows, and here's where it hurts." ...and she actually listened. Truly, I felt like I was on speed all day my body, besides the bruises, feels amazing.
On another note: Follow-up date tonight with the 26 year-old. Does that make me a cougar? I don't think it does, but you all would probably know more than me. Grrr. Bruises are hot, right?
However, thinking this one has a shelf-life. It may be expiring tonight. Could be wrong. He's 26 after all and talks like he's 26. Odd. I look forward to the day when there is no shelf-life, or at the very least, not feel like there is one.
Someday.
I've had a lot of massages, the fluff and stuff, the found a kink, worked it out kind, but yesterday I found a gal who when I said, "I want a deep tissue massage, full of elbows, and here's where it hurts." ...and she actually listened. Truly, I felt like I was on speed all day my body, besides the bruises, feels amazing.
On another note: Follow-up date tonight with the 26 year-old. Does that make me a cougar? I don't think it does, but you all would probably know more than me. Grrr. Bruises are hot, right?
However, thinking this one has a shelf-life. It may be expiring tonight. Could be wrong. He's 26 after all and talks like he's 26. Odd. I look forward to the day when there is no shelf-life, or at the very least, not feel like there is one.
Someday.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Just sayin'
VH1 actually plays music!
Although this discovery happened at 3:31 in the a.m. I am sure the music channel will resume showing music videos during regular business hours any day now.
Sure of it.
Although this discovery happened at 3:31 in the a.m. I am sure the music channel will resume showing music videos during regular business hours any day now.
Sure of it.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
inner dork: so that's where it came from
Ever wonder how phrases become part of our lexicon? You don't? Well I do.
Did you know:
The reason we call letters upper case and lower case is because printers kept (keep)capital letters in the upper case drawers and small letters are kept in the lower case drawers.
Honeymoon comes from the Babylonian era (say, 4,000 years ago) when it was customary for a father-in-law to give his new son-in-law a months worth of mead, a honey-based beer, during a calendar month, which was based on a lunar schedule.
Wetting your whistle comes from English pubs where a whistle was baked into the handle of a mug. When a customer wanted another beverage, they would whistle to the bartender.
Raining cats and dogs comes from the Middle Ages when a thatched roof was common. Animals and vermin would crawl into the thatch, but would often fall through the thatch. This is also where canopy beds come from, the better to protect the sleeper from falling vermin.
The reason the first novels are so dang long is because authors were paid per word, not per book. Ala, the longer the book, the bigger the paycheck. Hence, all those adjectives. Also, the reason for serial novels, all the better to keep the income coming in.
Minding your P's and Q's, this has a lot of variations, but the most common one is that it was bar lingo, for pints and quarts.
That concludes today uselessness.
On a side note: posts three days in a row?!?!?!!? Way to go PG!
Did you know:
The reason we call letters upper case and lower case is because printers kept (keep)capital letters in the upper case drawers and small letters are kept in the lower case drawers.
Honeymoon comes from the Babylonian era (say, 4,000 years ago) when it was customary for a father-in-law to give his new son-in-law a months worth of mead, a honey-based beer, during a calendar month, which was based on a lunar schedule.
Wetting your whistle comes from English pubs where a whistle was baked into the handle of a mug. When a customer wanted another beverage, they would whistle to the bartender.
Raining cats and dogs comes from the Middle Ages when a thatched roof was common. Animals and vermin would crawl into the thatch, but would often fall through the thatch. This is also where canopy beds come from, the better to protect the sleeper from falling vermin.
The reason the first novels are so dang long is because authors were paid per word, not per book. Ala, the longer the book, the bigger the paycheck. Hence, all those adjectives. Also, the reason for serial novels, all the better to keep the income coming in.
Minding your P's and Q's, this has a lot of variations, but the most common one is that it was bar lingo, for pints and quarts.
That concludes today uselessness.
On a side note: posts three days in a row?!?!?!!? Way to go PG!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I'm trying, okay?
So, last night I went out on a date.
The date went well. Lots of conversation, lots of laughs, provided by me, of course. I mean, I am hilarious. Just fyi.
Oh, and an insistence, by him, that I sing along to "Ice, Ice Baby" in his car. I, of course, obliged without much forethought or worry of embarrassing myself. He did not sing along.
I harassed him about that.
I'm sure there will be a follow-up of a second date. I'm working on getting past my first date dismissing technique. (Old habits.)
I ended the date around 12:30 claiming I had a big day of homework ahead of me. Although true, the real truth is that I was sitting with a lovely gentleman, but wishing I was sitting with someone else.
I know, I know. (repeat a million-thousand more times.)
But when your sitting across from someone and wishing it was someone else, is that fair to either person? Um, no.
When there are lapses as to what the person's name is, because you want to call them London, yeah, probably not good.
So, even though the date went very well, I found myself coming home very sad. Sad and mad at myself. (This seems to be a theme as of late.) (I'm working on getting a knew theme.) (Perhaps a theme song??)
Maybe it's because London was supposed to come and visit me this past weekend, planned since March, but the trip had to be postponed. And although I knew (KNEW) it would not workout because this is the third time in less than a year where it has not worked out, still, in the back of my head I had hoped. (I mean, c'mon.)
So, maybe that's why I was sad. That and all the bullshit from this past weekend with Fucktard and his comments, maybe all that combined made me sad last night.
Maybe.
Although during my bathroom breaks, I did tell myself in the mirror I am awesome, hot, and anyone would be lucky to date me. (Affirmations are the key to success.) (Just don't say them aloud, cause then you're seen as crazy and the other girls in the bathroom will tell their friends about you and they will point and laugh.) (Just fyi.)
I know part of the problem is that we never saw (London and I)(and still haven't seen) the worst of each other. It makes it easy to think two people should be together when you still believe the other person is perfect (or at the very least is virtually flawless) when you haven't seen (or had to put up with) someones flaws.
It's ridiculous, I know.
I feel slightly (or a little more than) pathetic about the whole thing.
I'm working on it, okay?
The date went well. Lots of conversation, lots of laughs, provided by me, of course. I mean, I am hilarious. Just fyi.
Oh, and an insistence, by him, that I sing along to "Ice, Ice Baby" in his car. I, of course, obliged without much forethought or worry of embarrassing myself. He did not sing along.
I harassed him about that.
I'm sure there will be a follow-up of a second date. I'm working on getting past my first date dismissing technique. (Old habits.)
I ended the date around 12:30 claiming I had a big day of homework ahead of me. Although true, the real truth is that I was sitting with a lovely gentleman, but wishing I was sitting with someone else.
I know, I know. (repeat a million-thousand more times.)
But when your sitting across from someone and wishing it was someone else, is that fair to either person? Um, no.
When there are lapses as to what the person's name is, because you want to call them London, yeah, probably not good.
So, even though the date went very well, I found myself coming home very sad. Sad and mad at myself. (This seems to be a theme as of late.) (I'm working on getting a knew theme.) (Perhaps a theme song??)
Maybe it's because London was supposed to come and visit me this past weekend, planned since March, but the trip had to be postponed. And although I knew (KNEW) it would not workout because this is the third time in less than a year where it has not worked out, still, in the back of my head I had hoped. (I mean, c'mon.)
So, maybe that's why I was sad. That and all the bullshit from this past weekend with Fucktard and his comments, maybe all that combined made me sad last night.
Maybe.
Although during my bathroom breaks, I did tell myself in the mirror I am awesome, hot, and anyone would be lucky to date me. (Affirmations are the key to success.) (Just don't say them aloud, cause then you're seen as crazy and the other girls in the bathroom will tell their friends about you and they will point and laugh.) (Just fyi.)
I know part of the problem is that we never saw (London and I)(and still haven't seen) the worst of each other. It makes it easy to think two people should be together when you still believe the other person is perfect (or at the very least is virtually flawless) when you haven't seen (or had to put up with) someones flaws.
It's ridiculous, I know.
I feel slightly (or a little more than) pathetic about the whole thing.
I'm working on it, okay?
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
random thoughts
I know, I haven't done very well at the "I will try to post everyday" promise. Although, if you count "try" then I have done well, you just aren't aware of it.
Anyway, I don't know if there is anything to report on the life of little 'ol me or not. There is a lot of randomness, so, randomness is what I will write about.
Classes started last week. Nothing to exciting there, except that no professor knows how to say my name and I have to repeat it several times in a row before they even get close to not butchering it. PAR-tee Girl. Say it with me. Say it with me at least 4 times.
Good, Professor.
This semester will be heavy on the papers. Lots of dead trees. I am taking 13 credits.
Nine credits is full time.
I went out nine days in a row. On the tenth day my liver rebelled against me.
I'm not sleeping. You know, something new and different.
I apologize for reading, but not commenting on all of your posts as of late.
I have the prospect of a date tonight.
Let's hope it goes well.
As a result of all my epiphanies from the summer I am still learning more about myself each day.
It has been an emotional and in many ways, sad journey. Oh, the thoughts I have forgotten to think and the memories I was successful at forgetting all come rushing back.
I'm not saying I have been sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, just saying I'm glad I've had a month to myself.
London emailed to say, after an official inquiry by the Royal Post Office, my painting is lost.
Poop stain.
In watching my best gal with her boyfriend it made me very sad. I realized over this past weekend that the reason why is because I miss that feeling. Particularly the feeling I had for London. Time to move on, I know this, but a person cannot always control their feelings.
Even though I practice female control and taking control over emotional, mentally, and physical abuse from their partners, I find I make excuses for people when they are verbally abusing me.
For example, a male who is in the MPP program says he is just being honest, but in reality he is just being down right mean. (I know that sounds very kindergarten-ish, but it's true) After confronting him, again, about this fact over the weekend, I was, once again, blasted by his "honesty."
This honesty contained comments about how sexy and beautiful I am, but apparently I am fat and need to lose weight.
I'm stuck-up.
My life goal, although admirable, is ridiculous and will never be fulfilled.
Walking out the backdoor of the bar and having him grab me and stick his tongue down my throat.
Being persistently asked to have sex with him.
My responses included:
the number on the scale does not dictate my self worth. (Fucktard.)
I am incredibly sexy regardless of the number on the scale.
Just because I do not wish to smell your farts or your belches does not mean I am stuck-up. You're an imbecile.
If I change one life, then I have changed the world.
Screaming, repeatedly, that I do not, nor will I, make out with him, nor have sex with him.
My excuses for him have been, that it's just Fucktard, and he is only like this when he drinks.
A fucktard is a fucktard regardless of the reasons behind it.
No more. I'm done.
Unfortunately, we are a group, we have classes, breaks, and we go out as a group every Thursday. Sadly, I may have to isolate myself in order to avoid him.
Yes, he is a fucktard.
Yes, it is easy to make excuses and fall into old habits. I realize this, I hate this, it will change as of right now.
Thanks to my apartment pool I have an awesome tan.
Thanks to going out nine days in a row all of my healthy eating has been contradicted.
Oh, well.
I've realized that when someone matters to me I am willing to fight for it, be open, honest, and let my guard down. With some coaxing, this can be done. Hey, babysteps.
I have a date tonight.
Let's hope the date goes as well as the phone conversation did last night.
Anyway, I don't know if there is anything to report on the life of little 'ol me or not. There is a lot of randomness, so, randomness is what I will write about.
Classes started last week. Nothing to exciting there, except that no professor knows how to say my name and I have to repeat it several times in a row before they even get close to not butchering it. PAR-tee Girl. Say it with me. Say it with me at least 4 times.
Good, Professor.
This semester will be heavy on the papers. Lots of dead trees. I am taking 13 credits.
Nine credits is full time.
I went out nine days in a row. On the tenth day my liver rebelled against me.
I'm not sleeping. You know, something new and different.
I apologize for reading, but not commenting on all of your posts as of late.
I have the prospect of a date tonight.
Let's hope it goes well.
As a result of all my epiphanies from the summer I am still learning more about myself each day.
It has been an emotional and in many ways, sad journey. Oh, the thoughts I have forgotten to think and the memories I was successful at forgetting all come rushing back.
I'm not saying I have been sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, just saying I'm glad I've had a month to myself.
London emailed to say, after an official inquiry by the Royal Post Office, my painting is lost.
Poop stain.
In watching my best gal with her boyfriend it made me very sad. I realized over this past weekend that the reason why is because I miss that feeling. Particularly the feeling I had for London. Time to move on, I know this, but a person cannot always control their feelings.
Even though I practice female control and taking control over emotional, mentally, and physical abuse from their partners, I find I make excuses for people when they are verbally abusing me.
For example, a male who is in the MPP program says he is just being honest, but in reality he is just being down right mean. (I know that sounds very kindergarten-ish, but it's true) After confronting him, again, about this fact over the weekend, I was, once again, blasted by his "honesty."
This honesty contained comments about how sexy and beautiful I am, but apparently I am fat and need to lose weight.
I'm stuck-up.
My life goal, although admirable, is ridiculous and will never be fulfilled.
Walking out the backdoor of the bar and having him grab me and stick his tongue down my throat.
Being persistently asked to have sex with him.
My responses included:
the number on the scale does not dictate my self worth. (Fucktard.)
I am incredibly sexy regardless of the number on the scale.
Just because I do not wish to smell your farts or your belches does not mean I am stuck-up. You're an imbecile.
If I change one life, then I have changed the world.
Screaming, repeatedly, that I do not, nor will I, make out with him, nor have sex with him.
My excuses for him have been, that it's just Fucktard, and he is only like this when he drinks.
A fucktard is a fucktard regardless of the reasons behind it.
No more. I'm done.
Unfortunately, we are a group, we have classes, breaks, and we go out as a group every Thursday. Sadly, I may have to isolate myself in order to avoid him.
Yes, he is a fucktard.
Yes, it is easy to make excuses and fall into old habits. I realize this, I hate this, it will change as of right now.
Thanks to my apartment pool I have an awesome tan.
Thanks to going out nine days in a row all of my healthy eating has been contradicted.
Oh, well.
I've realized that when someone matters to me I am willing to fight for it, be open, honest, and let my guard down. With some coaxing, this can be done. Hey, babysteps.
I have a date tonight.
Let's hope the date goes as well as the phone conversation did last night.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Upon my return back to Small State U City
After being away all summer from my crappy-ass apartment, the thing I missed the most, aside from the freedom of living by myself, walking around naked, making a mess and not having to worry about cleaning it up, taking a shower and leaving the bathroom door open while getting soapy and wet, and living out my sexual fantasies; aside from all of that, the thing I missed most was my bed. I know, not exciting. But, after sleeping on an air mattress all summer, it loses its charm somewhere around 30 seconds into crawling into bed, my bed is pretty damn awesome right now.
Oh, and sleeping (almost) through the night. That was something that didn't happen this summer, either. That had something to do with a mother who works from home and starts her work day at 5:30 in the morning and her office is across the hall, a step-dad who hates his job and allows the alarm to go off several times, and a dog who dances outside my door with her dog tags clinking together awaiting my sleepy entrance into the hallway. Since I don't go to bed much before midnight, it made for a short night.
Since arriving back home, my apartment has rebelled against my reentry back to two-bedroom. Curtains inexplicably falling down, houseplants beyond dead, a shower head that sprays water everywhere but on me; however, I think after a few days, the ghosts of summer have left.
I have unpacked, cleaned (though not enough) redecorated my bedroom and bathroom (love the changes) Bedroom is lime, lemon, and white. Or white with lime green and lemon yellow accents. Clean, crisp, and the feel of tropical. Ah....
Bathroom, clean and simple in light blue and yellow.
Anyway...
Basically I've gone for a long walk everyday, worked on my tan, sat by my pool and been irritated by the 20 year-olds being obnoxious, gone out every night thus, counteracting my long daily walk. My guys missed me. The PG is back in town and they are determined to kill my liver. They're doing a good job.
Like the rest of the summer, this week has flown by. I start my volunteer job at the I Want to Travel Outside the Country Office next week (I really should look over the pamphlet I will be rewriting um, sometime before 9 a.m. on Monday) and I still need to find a job that will pay me; hopefully I will find one sometime before now and the end of the school year.
Still hoping for an assistantship.
...I probably shouldn't hold my breath.
Otherwise just enjoying the gorgeous weather, trying to suck every ounce out of the days before the grind of school starts on the 25th (ugh!)(Say it ain't so!) oh, and keep damaging my liver. It's good to have goals.
Oh, and sleeping (almost) through the night. That was something that didn't happen this summer, either. That had something to do with a mother who works from home and starts her work day at 5:30 in the morning and her office is across the hall, a step-dad who hates his job and allows the alarm to go off several times, and a dog who dances outside my door with her dog tags clinking together awaiting my sleepy entrance into the hallway. Since I don't go to bed much before midnight, it made for a short night.
Since arriving back home, my apartment has rebelled against my reentry back to two-bedroom. Curtains inexplicably falling down, houseplants beyond dead, a shower head that sprays water everywhere but on me; however, I think after a few days, the ghosts of summer have left.
I have unpacked, cleaned (though not enough) redecorated my bedroom and bathroom (love the changes) Bedroom is lime, lemon, and white. Or white with lime green and lemon yellow accents. Clean, crisp, and the feel of tropical. Ah....
Bathroom, clean and simple in light blue and yellow.
Anyway...
Basically I've gone for a long walk everyday, worked on my tan, sat by my pool and been irritated by the 20 year-olds being obnoxious, gone out every night thus, counteracting my long daily walk. My guys missed me. The PG is back in town and they are determined to kill my liver. They're doing a good job.
Like the rest of the summer, this week has flown by. I start my volunteer job at the I Want to Travel Outside the Country Office next week (I really should look over the pamphlet I will be rewriting um, sometime before 9 a.m. on Monday) and I still need to find a job that will pay me; hopefully I will find one sometime before now and the end of the school year.
Still hoping for an assistantship.
...I probably shouldn't hold my breath.
Otherwise just enjoying the gorgeous weather, trying to suck every ounce out of the days before the grind of school starts on the 25th (ugh!)(Say it ain't so!) oh, and keep damaging my liver. It's good to have goals.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
inner dork: wild kingdom
Did you know...
There are fewer than 1,000 giant pandas left in the world.
The giant African snail grows to a foot long and reaches weights greater than a pound.
The giant flying fox, native to Indonesia, has a wingspan of nearly 6 feet.
Giant tortoises can live to be 150 years old or older.
The giant Pacific octopus can fit its entire body through an opening no bigger than the size of its beak.
The giant squid is the largest creature without a backbone. It weighs up to two and a half tons and grows up to fifty-five feet long. Each eye is a foot or more in diameter.
(Eck!)
A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule will not.
A single sheep's fleece can contain as many as twenty-six million fibers.
...and now you know.
There are fewer than 1,000 giant pandas left in the world.
The giant African snail grows to a foot long and reaches weights greater than a pound.
The giant flying fox, native to Indonesia, has a wingspan of nearly 6 feet.
Giant tortoises can live to be 150 years old or older.
The giant Pacific octopus can fit its entire body through an opening no bigger than the size of its beak.
The giant squid is the largest creature without a backbone. It weighs up to two and a half tons and grows up to fifty-five feet long. Each eye is a foot or more in diameter.
(Eck!)
A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule will not.
A single sheep's fleece can contain as many as twenty-six million fibers.
...and now you know.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I wish I had more time
...to spend with friends, family, just in general people I like.
One of the things I like about this break from real life (ha!) called grad school, is that everyone has time. Time to do things, time to hang-out, go out, volunteer, be together, be stupid, has a common mission to save the world. (raises fist into the air.)
Okay, so I'm the only one who really believes the world can be changed, but still, my point is that when you hit a certain age, say 22-23, definitely by 24, your time starts to slip away. Your life is taken over by life. Life no longer consists of going out and being with friends, or at least not much past happy hour, it now consists of jobs, careers, weddings, babies, and being in bed around 10:30 to repeat it all again the next day. You know, the real world. Opposed to the one MTV presents of sex in hot tubs and going out and getting plastered every night while staying in a rent-free penthouse suite. Sure, that's just a Wednesday night for me, but I realize this is not the case for most people.
But I digress. (You know, something new and different.)
The fact that my fellow public policiers not only want to, but also have the time to go out, time to give on a Saturday to a cause, well, that's awesome and it also makes me sad. Sad, because they are 23 years old and have no idea. No idea that all of that free time will be going away. That to be busy now isn't just a nuisance, but it will be their reality in another 10 months. More than half of the students in the program came to grad school to get away from the real world. Because, "...it sucked."
Um, okay.
Yeah, it does. Deal with it.
I don't have an extra 40 grand laying around to postpone the suckatude, but apparently they do....
Anyway, this summer I've had time. For the first time in a long while, I've had time to be with friends, go to movies, and just be. I stayed an extra week at the 'rents so I could try and be with friends back in home state, go out, and relive some old times while making some new times for just one more week.
Last night Billy and I hit the local brew pub for happy hour, then went to a local live music venue to enjoy six (some good, some bad) bands. We didn't plan to stay very long.
Famous last words.
We closed it down.
We laughed, remembered, talked of old and promised to make new times together. My dearest friend whom I've know since I was 19. The friend who knows my history because he was there with me when it happened. The person I am comfortable with, can be with, not feel judged, or misunderstood. That's an awesome feeling to have. When I told him I am guarded, he laughed. He doesn't know that side of me. In the end I am glad we had the time together we did, and that I had time with all of the friends, and former co-workers, because gosh, I had no idea how much I was missed and what kind of impact I had on people...but that's another day....
Time. We could all use a little more of it, no?
One of the things I like about this break from real life (ha!) called grad school, is that everyone has time. Time to do things, time to hang-out, go out, volunteer, be together, be stupid, has a common mission to save the world. (raises fist into the air.)
Okay, so I'm the only one who really believes the world can be changed, but still, my point is that when you hit a certain age, say 22-23, definitely by 24, your time starts to slip away. Your life is taken over by life. Life no longer consists of going out and being with friends, or at least not much past happy hour, it now consists of jobs, careers, weddings, babies, and being in bed around 10:30 to repeat it all again the next day. You know, the real world. Opposed to the one MTV presents of sex in hot tubs and going out and getting plastered every night while staying in a rent-free penthouse suite. Sure, that's just a Wednesday night for me, but I realize this is not the case for most people.
But I digress. (You know, something new and different.)
The fact that my fellow public policiers not only want to, but also have the time to go out, time to give on a Saturday to a cause, well, that's awesome and it also makes me sad. Sad, because they are 23 years old and have no idea. No idea that all of that free time will be going away. That to be busy now isn't just a nuisance, but it will be their reality in another 10 months. More than half of the students in the program came to grad school to get away from the real world. Because, "...it sucked."
Um, okay.
Yeah, it does. Deal with it.
I don't have an extra 40 grand laying around to postpone the suckatude, but apparently they do....
Anyway, this summer I've had time. For the first time in a long while, I've had time to be with friends, go to movies, and just be. I stayed an extra week at the 'rents so I could try and be with friends back in home state, go out, and relive some old times while making some new times for just one more week.
Last night Billy and I hit the local brew pub for happy hour, then went to a local live music venue to enjoy six (some good, some bad) bands. We didn't plan to stay very long.
Famous last words.
We closed it down.
We laughed, remembered, talked of old and promised to make new times together. My dearest friend whom I've know since I was 19. The friend who knows my history because he was there with me when it happened. The person I am comfortable with, can be with, not feel judged, or misunderstood. That's an awesome feeling to have. When I told him I am guarded, he laughed. He doesn't know that side of me. In the end I am glad we had the time together we did, and that I had time with all of the friends, and former co-workers, because gosh, I had no idea how much I was missed and what kind of impact I had on people...but that's another day....
Time. We could all use a little more of it, no?
Sunday, August 03, 2008
rain check
Rain check is a baseball term. It originated back in the 1870s and was used when a game was canceled due to a rainstorm. The audience was given tickets, free of charge, to attend a game at a later date.
Fascinating, isn't it?
After attending a baseball game today, in what had to be tropical Sub-Sahara desert like conditions, (and no, I don't care that those contradict each other) I would have liked a rain check. Hell, just some rain. Or say, even a cool breeze would have been nice. Instead, my only comfort came from the bottle of beer between my breasteses. And, gee, that's really just counterproductive. Cold-ish cleavage, warm-ish beer. It's a lose-lose really.
The tropical condition was in terms of the brick wall-like humidity that I was slammed in the face with as soon as I left the house. Not to mention the suffocating, so glad I took a shower because that was completely unnecessary since I am now drenched in sweat and why do boobs and bras just seem to be reservoirs for moisture collection? Men, do your balls have this problem? I'm guessing they do, but I would like an answer on this. The heat was in terms of the ultraviolet rays of death that were rising from the sand, er field, to create parched I-want-to-die-or-crawl-up-inside-a-camel-and-drink-from-its-hump type conditions.
Baseball, good. Wilting, withering, and dying in the sun, bad.
That concludes today's lesson.
Fascinating, isn't it?
After attending a baseball game today, in what had to be tropical Sub-Sahara desert like conditions, (and no, I don't care that those contradict each other) I would have liked a rain check. Hell, just some rain. Or say, even a cool breeze would have been nice. Instead, my only comfort came from the bottle of beer between my breasteses. And, gee, that's really just counterproductive. Cold-ish cleavage, warm-ish beer. It's a lose-lose really.
The tropical condition was in terms of the brick wall-like humidity that I was slammed in the face with as soon as I left the house. Not to mention the suffocating, so glad I took a shower because that was completely unnecessary since I am now drenched in sweat and why do boobs and bras just seem to be reservoirs for moisture collection? Men, do your balls have this problem? I'm guessing they do, but I would like an answer on this. The heat was in terms of the ultraviolet rays of death that were rising from the sand, er field, to create parched I-want-to-die-or-crawl-up-inside-a-camel-and-drink-from-its-hump type conditions.
Baseball, good. Wilting, withering, and dying in the sun, bad.
That concludes today's lesson.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
just sayin'
I believe life works out the way it is supposed to, not necessarily the way we want it to.
I think this summer I was supposed to (try) and slow down. In (trying) to slow down I have realized a helluvalot of things about myself. I've remembered a crapload of things I've (conveniently) forgotten. I've taken time to breath (although not as much as I would have liked.)I've had way too many epiphanies about myself and why I react and do the things I do. (Eye-opening and mind boggling, really.) and with this new found knowledge I hope to lead a some what (but not totally) different life.
The last few weeks have been an emotional journey of rediscovering me and leaning about who I thought I was.
I have abandonment issues.
Therefore, as soon as I feel someone is going to leave, pull away, or betray be in someway, my brick wall goes sky high. Instantly, goes sky high.
I had no idea I reacted this way, or even more importantly, how quickly I react. As in, the person can still be talking to me.
As such, I've remembered numerous walls that were built and relationships that were never allowed to happen.
As a result of the above, I go into even more of a protective mode in that I also instantly over-schedule myself. I go into "...I'll show them" mode. Meaning, I don't need them, look how busy, popular, loved, and successful I can be without them.
This, in turn, keeps me from really having to deal with the hurt feelings, or being left.
Most importantly, I always, always leave first.
Mr. London left me. He was the first. I do believe this had a HUGE frickin' impact on how I reacted and also with how I didn't react.
Another thing I discovered last night about myself: I tend not to do random acts of kindness. Meaning, I don't like to buy things, give unexpected gifts, go out of my way in a showy way.
The reason, it will go unnoticed and will not be appreciated or the act will not be taken in the way I intended.
Here, would you like an example? Okay. I made (a really fuckingly awesome) painting for Mr. London for his birthday. I mailed it in May and it was delivered on May 22. As of today, I still have not received word that he has received it.
....
He called me in June to thank him for the e-cards I sent for his birthday, I asked if he received a package, no, but he would let me know the next day, as sometimes things were delivered to the restaurant below him.
.....
yeah.
So, two snarky emails from me later, and well, apparently he either died or he is seeing someone.
...which would be where my brain goes in situations such as these...
Um, yeah.
So, I am sure there are more, but you know, that's about all I can handle in one blog posting.
Here's to Summers of Possibilities and all the surprises they hold in store.
I think this summer I was supposed to (try) and slow down. In (trying) to slow down I have realized a helluvalot of things about myself. I've remembered a crapload of things I've (conveniently) forgotten. I've taken time to breath (although not as much as I would have liked.)I've had way too many epiphanies about myself and why I react and do the things I do. (Eye-opening and mind boggling, really.) and with this new found knowledge I hope to lead a some what (but not totally) different life.
The last few weeks have been an emotional journey of rediscovering me and leaning about who I thought I was.
I have abandonment issues.
Therefore, as soon as I feel someone is going to leave, pull away, or betray be in someway, my brick wall goes sky high. Instantly, goes sky high.
I had no idea I reacted this way, or even more importantly, how quickly I react. As in, the person can still be talking to me.
As such, I've remembered numerous walls that were built and relationships that were never allowed to happen.
As a result of the above, I go into even more of a protective mode in that I also instantly over-schedule myself. I go into "...I'll show them" mode. Meaning, I don't need them, look how busy, popular, loved, and successful I can be without them.
This, in turn, keeps me from really having to deal with the hurt feelings, or being left.
Most importantly, I always, always leave first.
Mr. London left me. He was the first. I do believe this had a HUGE frickin' impact on how I reacted and also with how I didn't react.
Another thing I discovered last night about myself: I tend not to do random acts of kindness. Meaning, I don't like to buy things, give unexpected gifts, go out of my way in a showy way.
The reason, it will go unnoticed and will not be appreciated or the act will not be taken in the way I intended.
Here, would you like an example? Okay. I made (a really fuckingly awesome) painting for Mr. London for his birthday. I mailed it in May and it was delivered on May 22. As of today, I still have not received word that he has received it.
....
He called me in June to thank him for the e-cards I sent for his birthday, I asked if he received a package, no, but he would let me know the next day, as sometimes things were delivered to the restaurant below him.
.....
yeah.
So, two snarky emails from me later, and well, apparently he either died or he is seeing someone.
...which would be where my brain goes in situations such as these...
Um, yeah.
So, I am sure there are more, but you know, that's about all I can handle in one blog posting.
Here's to Summers of Possibilities and all the surprises they hold in store.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
inner dork: 10 factoids about me
Yeah, I am being a bit lazy, but honestly, these little inner dorkings about me, they're sort of scary for me. I know, odd.
Anyway, here are 10 (previously unknown) things about me:
Did you know (and no, you didn't)
1) In the summer my toe nails are always painted candy-apple red.
My fingernails are rarely painted and usually go unnoticed by me and grow very long.
2) I was really hoping to work on some of my writing/short stories this summer. However, due to how fast and frantic the summer turned out to be, all I've had time to do is scribble some lines in a pocket-sized notebook I carry with me.
3)I have recently ( as in, just last week) discovered I have serious abandonment issues.
I HATE how hokey and "child of divorce" that sounds, but I have to admit, the issue is very real to me.
I am incorporating this into all of my other issues and I am working on it.
4) As a result of this issue, my guard has been in full-blown brick wall mode for the past three weeks.
I had no idea how fast I go into survival mode. Ah, issues, do they ever go away, or do I just become more aware of them?
5) I wish I had the time, energy, and creativeness to post on this blog everyday like I did in previous times.
I found it to be therapeutic, good writing practice, and great way to find my voice.
What number am I on?
6) I'm scared that I am going to end up living someone else's life.
Finish grad school, move back home until I find a job and stay in home state. As long as I am happy, that's fine, it's the, "not being happy, but my family is happy I am here" thing that scares me. That the sadness my family would keep me from living the life I want to live.
7) I have found that stories just seem to happen to me.
I go out, I mind my own business, before I know it, there is a story to be told somewhere about what happened to me.
Do the stories find me, do I create them, do they just happen?
8) This summer I have spent money like I have it to spend.
Which I do not.
I like to spend my money on going out with friends, going to restaurants, bars. So, basically on food and alcohol.
I've spent a lot of money this summer.
I do not have the money to spend.
August should be interesting when it comes to "so, how am I going to pay rent?"
If I had boundless amounts of cash I would pay of my student loan debt and travel the world as a free spirit. No ties, just go.
Perhaps this says something about me?
9) I go back to Small State U apartment next Friday. I am ready to be home, in my place, in my bed, but I am not ready to be back in Small State U city, nor am I ready to start back to school.
I need a brain break, a school break, a me break.
10) I've learned a lot of lessons this summer. I had no idea about what I didn't know.
I've grown-up, (some, not a lot) I've grown. I've listened, I've learned. There has been way too much needless stress in terms of Brazil, my internship with Grassroots org, (which, even though I resigned, just keeps on coming.) re-taking econ (and oy! that just plain sucked. Let's hope I pass, or there won't be a second year of grad school.) (Yes, this has been a real concern.) However, there has been real joy, accomplishment, and hand-prints left on my heart; with working for the state, working with my special needs students, taking a moment for myself, listening to my inner voice, letting my spirit speak, taking yoga classes, being with my family and many friends many of which I haven't seen in over a year.
The summer of possibilities has been just that, possible.
What about you?
Anyway, here are 10 (previously unknown) things about me:
Did you know (and no, you didn't)
1) In the summer my toe nails are always painted candy-apple red.
My fingernails are rarely painted and usually go unnoticed by me and grow very long.
2) I was really hoping to work on some of my writing/short stories this summer. However, due to how fast and frantic the summer turned out to be, all I've had time to do is scribble some lines in a pocket-sized notebook I carry with me.
3)I have recently ( as in, just last week) discovered I have serious abandonment issues.
I HATE how hokey and "child of divorce" that sounds, but I have to admit, the issue is very real to me.
I am incorporating this into all of my other issues and I am working on it.
4) As a result of this issue, my guard has been in full-blown brick wall mode for the past three weeks.
I had no idea how fast I go into survival mode. Ah, issues, do they ever go away, or do I just become more aware of them?
5) I wish I had the time, energy, and creativeness to post on this blog everyday like I did in previous times.
I found it to be therapeutic, good writing practice, and great way to find my voice.
What number am I on?
6) I'm scared that I am going to end up living someone else's life.
Finish grad school, move back home until I find a job and stay in home state. As long as I am happy, that's fine, it's the, "not being happy, but my family is happy I am here" thing that scares me. That the sadness my family would keep me from living the life I want to live.
7) I have found that stories just seem to happen to me.
I go out, I mind my own business, before I know it, there is a story to be told somewhere about what happened to me.
Do the stories find me, do I create them, do they just happen?
8) This summer I have spent money like I have it to spend.
Which I do not.
I like to spend my money on going out with friends, going to restaurants, bars. So, basically on food and alcohol.
I've spent a lot of money this summer.
I do not have the money to spend.
August should be interesting when it comes to "so, how am I going to pay rent?"
If I had boundless amounts of cash I would pay of my student loan debt and travel the world as a free spirit. No ties, just go.
Perhaps this says something about me?
9) I go back to Small State U apartment next Friday. I am ready to be home, in my place, in my bed, but I am not ready to be back in Small State U city, nor am I ready to start back to school.
I need a brain break, a school break, a me break.
10) I've learned a lot of lessons this summer. I had no idea about what I didn't know.
I've grown-up, (some, not a lot) I've grown. I've listened, I've learned. There has been way too much needless stress in terms of Brazil, my internship with Grassroots org, (which, even though I resigned, just keeps on coming.) re-taking econ (and oy! that just plain sucked. Let's hope I pass, or there won't be a second year of grad school.) (Yes, this has been a real concern.) However, there has been real joy, accomplishment, and hand-prints left on my heart; with working for the state, working with my special needs students, taking a moment for myself, listening to my inner voice, letting my spirit speak, taking yoga classes, being with my family and many friends many of which I haven't seen in over a year.
The summer of possibilities has been just that, possible.
What about you?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
inner dork: I fought the law, and the law won.
Okay, so it's not that I've forgotten about Inner Dork, it's more that I forget it's Thursday.
..and yes, I know it's still Wednesday, but I know I will forget to post it tomorrow. Thus, Inner Dork, Wednesday.
So,, without further ado:
Did you know...
In Kentucky it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket.
(Good to know. I'm guessing it would be a bit messy, mushy, and melty.)
In Athens, Greece a person's drivers license can be taken away if the driver is either "unbathed" or "poorly dressed."
(I think it is best that this law does not pertain to farming communities.)
During the reign of Queen Victoria, in England, it was against the law to be a homosexual, but not a lesbian. The reason? She did not believe a woman would cunnilingus another woman.
(Apparently believing a man would have anal sex with another man imaginable, but women going down on each other, not so much.)
In Hartford, CT it's against the law for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday.
(So, skip the kissing. This law says nothing about sex.)
In the U.K. there is no Act of Parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent.
(Okay, so what was the precedent and how where they murdered?)
In Sweden prostitution is legal, but it is illegal for anyone to use their services.
(Hmmm, how to get around this law... how...)
A British law passed in 1845 made committing suicide a capital offense. Attemptees could be hanged.
(um, slightly counter-productive, no?)
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
(Well, that's simply practical.)
In Michigan it is illegal to put a skunk in your boss's desk.
(Oh, c'mon. That's just a silly law.)
Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.
(well, that seems a bit excessive.)
In Bladworth, Saskatchewan, it is illegal to frown at cows.
(Yes, but what about yelling, "mow cow" when you see one?)
..and yes, I know it's still Wednesday, but I know I will forget to post it tomorrow. Thus, Inner Dork, Wednesday.
So,, without further ado:
Did you know...
In Kentucky it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket.
(Good to know. I'm guessing it would be a bit messy, mushy, and melty.)
In Athens, Greece a person's drivers license can be taken away if the driver is either "unbathed" or "poorly dressed."
(I think it is best that this law does not pertain to farming communities.)
During the reign of Queen Victoria, in England, it was against the law to be a homosexual, but not a lesbian. The reason? She did not believe a woman would cunnilingus another woman.
(Apparently believing a man would have anal sex with another man imaginable, but women going down on each other, not so much.)
In Hartford, CT it's against the law for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday.
(So, skip the kissing. This law says nothing about sex.)
In the U.K. there is no Act of Parliament making it illegal to commit murder. Murder is only illegal due to legal precedent.
(Okay, so what was the precedent and how where they murdered?)
In Sweden prostitution is legal, but it is illegal for anyone to use their services.
(Hmmm, how to get around this law... how...)
A British law passed in 1845 made committing suicide a capital offense. Attemptees could be hanged.
(um, slightly counter-productive, no?)
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
(Well, that's simply practical.)
In Michigan it is illegal to put a skunk in your boss's desk.
(Oh, c'mon. That's just a silly law.)
Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.
(well, that seems a bit excessive.)
In Bladworth, Saskatchewan, it is illegal to frown at cows.
(Yes, but what about yelling, "mow cow" when you see one?)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
so a girl walks into a bar
...After work or, volunteering, on Thursday I was feeling so amazingly awesome.
I made a suggestion about adding some items to my project.
They loved the suggeston, great idea, duh, of course, add that and run with it.
*pat on my back*
Leave work feeling amazing.
I walk around downtown and after some light perusing of the shops I went to the local watering establishment.
Saddle myself up to the bar, order a beer, stare at the muted TV, I had no plans to talk to anyone in the bar; I was simply there for a drink.
Two beers later, the guy two stools down and I start to talk. The basis bs banter: what do you do, blah, blah, blah. What do you do, blah, blah, blah.
Long story short: he told me human rights is bullshit, I'm wasting my time, I was talking about some of the stupidest shit he had ever heard of, why do we care about Darfur? (to which I pointed out that we don't care about Darfur because they do not possess any resources that we care to take, thus we are happy to not interfer in their genocide) just let them kill themselves. Somehow Iraq was mentioned, to which I asked if he wanted to debate over a fake war...he told me that white men need human rights protection more than anyone else..I sarcastically said, you mean because of affirmative action?
YES!
Oh, I was being sarcastic.
For the record, according to him, women absolutely do not deserve human rights protection, nor minorities, but perhaps, the disabled do.
Now.
He was VERY upset and VERY defensive about my life passion, that is apparently stupid-ass-bullshit (good to know.) I told him that I would not continue talking to him if he continued to yell, demean, and belittle me. He also needed to stop yelling. He apologized for making me mad. He did not, nor was he, making me mad. However, I would not be belittled.
He continued to belittle.
Using phrases such as: (human rights deal with) stupidest ass shit, (I am)waste of time, (I was talking about some of the) stupidest fucking things he ever heard of. And then my favorite: affirmative action: denied him acceptance to the first college he ever attended.
Really, affirmative action denied you acceptance to the first college you ever attended? That's amazing.
I asked if he could prove that. (the affirmative action, part)
No, but he also couldn't prove that it wasn't true.
Wow. That's an amazing argument.
This story ends with me telling him I would no longer speak with him, and turning to the muted TV. He continued to try and apologize for making me mad. (I wasn't mad. He was clearly a dumb-ass. I talk to enough dumb-ass people, no need to talk to one in a bar.) I ignored him. He left. I stayed.
I had a lovely conversation with the female bartender and I ordered another beer.
In the course of speaking with her, another gentleman came in and sat down next to me. We had a lovely conversation and as he heard me speaking with the bartender, he told me it would be pretty hard to be against human rights. I told him I was glad to hear he was preserving the human race.
New Guy and I had a nice conversation, but (oh, c'mon, you knew it was coming) when he asked if I went to local private college and I said, no, I go to Small State U, the flicker in his eye went out and I knew the lovely conversation would not lead anywhere.
This leads to the two middle-aged, upper-middle class men at the end of the bar who had been trying to flirt with me all night, but the visible wedding rings and the talking of kids, put an end to that.
However, in the course of me sitting at the bar, ordering, and buying my own drinks, they proceeded to mention what kind of woman comes into a bar by herself.
I'll cut to the chase.
According to them: that women is only there to be picked-up and to have drinks bought for her. "I mean, look at her (my) body language, look how she's dressed..." (stylish, yet conservative. Skirt that hit my knee, no cleavage, dress sweater over my dressy tank-top, hair was pulled up.) "... only a desperate women would be in here by herself..."
This went on and on.
Until I pointed out to them that I paid for my own drinks, and I even turned a drink down from the second gentleman.
..they shut-up.
However, by this point my rock star attitude that I had a mear four hours before when I walked into the bar, was gone by the time I walked out of the bar.
I hate when people have that power. No, I hate when I give people that power.
However, on another note. I've dealt with too many jerks. There's a good man out there somewhere for me, right? Somewhere out there soon, would be even better. Cause, this Party Girl is getting mighty tired of it all.
Also, this isn't the first time I've encountered men who have felt threatened/intimiated by a single woman, alone, in a bar; why? I do not understand this.
Insights?
I made a suggestion about adding some items to my project.
They loved the suggeston, great idea, duh, of course, add that and run with it.
*pat on my back*
Leave work feeling amazing.
I walk around downtown and after some light perusing of the shops I went to the local watering establishment.
Saddle myself up to the bar, order a beer, stare at the muted TV, I had no plans to talk to anyone in the bar; I was simply there for a drink.
Two beers later, the guy two stools down and I start to talk. The basis bs banter: what do you do, blah, blah, blah. What do you do, blah, blah, blah.
Long story short: he told me human rights is bullshit, I'm wasting my time, I was talking about some of the stupidest shit he had ever heard of, why do we care about Darfur? (to which I pointed out that we don't care about Darfur because they do not possess any resources that we care to take, thus we are happy to not interfer in their genocide) just let them kill themselves. Somehow Iraq was mentioned, to which I asked if he wanted to debate over a fake war...he told me that white men need human rights protection more than anyone else..I sarcastically said, you mean because of affirmative action?
YES!
Oh, I was being sarcastic.
For the record, according to him, women absolutely do not deserve human rights protection, nor minorities, but perhaps, the disabled do.
Now.
He was VERY upset and VERY defensive about my life passion, that is apparently stupid-ass-bullshit (good to know.) I told him that I would not continue talking to him if he continued to yell, demean, and belittle me. He also needed to stop yelling. He apologized for making me mad. He did not, nor was he, making me mad. However, I would not be belittled.
He continued to belittle.
Using phrases such as: (human rights deal with) stupidest ass shit, (I am)waste of time, (I was talking about some of the) stupidest fucking things he ever heard of. And then my favorite: affirmative action: denied him acceptance to the first college he ever attended.
Really, affirmative action denied you acceptance to the first college you ever attended? That's amazing.
I asked if he could prove that. (the affirmative action, part)
No, but he also couldn't prove that it wasn't true.
Wow. That's an amazing argument.
This story ends with me telling him I would no longer speak with him, and turning to the muted TV. He continued to try and apologize for making me mad. (I wasn't mad. He was clearly a dumb-ass. I talk to enough dumb-ass people, no need to talk to one in a bar.) I ignored him. He left. I stayed.
I had a lovely conversation with the female bartender and I ordered another beer.
In the course of speaking with her, another gentleman came in and sat down next to me. We had a lovely conversation and as he heard me speaking with the bartender, he told me it would be pretty hard to be against human rights. I told him I was glad to hear he was preserving the human race.
New Guy and I had a nice conversation, but (oh, c'mon, you knew it was coming) when he asked if I went to local private college and I said, no, I go to Small State U, the flicker in his eye went out and I knew the lovely conversation would not lead anywhere.
This leads to the two middle-aged, upper-middle class men at the end of the bar who had been trying to flirt with me all night, but the visible wedding rings and the talking of kids, put an end to that.
However, in the course of me sitting at the bar, ordering, and buying my own drinks, they proceeded to mention what kind of woman comes into a bar by herself.
I'll cut to the chase.
According to them: that women is only there to be picked-up and to have drinks bought for her. "I mean, look at her (my) body language, look how she's dressed..." (stylish, yet conservative. Skirt that hit my knee, no cleavage, dress sweater over my dressy tank-top, hair was pulled up.) "... only a desperate women would be in here by herself..."
This went on and on.
Until I pointed out to them that I paid for my own drinks, and I even turned a drink down from the second gentleman.
..they shut-up.
However, by this point my rock star attitude that I had a mear four hours before when I walked into the bar, was gone by the time I walked out of the bar.
I hate when people have that power. No, I hate when I give people that power.
However, on another note. I've dealt with too many jerks. There's a good man out there somewhere for me, right? Somewhere out there soon, would be even better. Cause, this Party Girl is getting mighty tired of it all.
Also, this isn't the first time I've encountered men who have felt threatened/intimiated by a single woman, alone, in a bar; why? I do not understand this.
Insights?
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
...and now a word from our sponsers
Okay, I have no idea what the title and this post have in common, it just popped into my head.
Basically this is a quick update on what has ben going on.
My best gal is interning with the governor's office and in speaking with the human rights people, they asked her to ask me for my resume. Twice. Maybe even three times they asked, finally I sent it over. Through the magic of Internet email, I was contacted within minutes...yes, minutes of resume receipt, for an interview.
Color me feeling special.
(It's a light shade of pink.)
After a few days of phone tag, I went in for my interview last week and yesterday (Monday) I started my internship with the states Human Rights department.
They mentioned several times how impressed they were with my resume (I tell ya, the next person who tells me this, I am going to ask the to tell me what exactly they find impressive...or maybe I am just bad at tooting my own horn.) So for the next four weeks, 120 hours I will be rewriting, the division that I will be working in, website. The English part, not the computer part.
On the same day that I was called for an interview by human rights, I went back to home city to talk to Small State U's study abroad office, as they offered me an internship as well.
Starting this fall I will be researching all countries visas requirements and putting it into a publication for the school. (appropriate, no?) Yes, I will be published. Sure, it will be boring and dry information, but still.
I really wanted to use the Study Abroad as my internship as 1) it was paid and 2) I could use that as a job and internship and I would not have to find a job this fall.
Of course, my advisor will not let me use it as an internship, so it will be on a volunteer basis. Cause apparently I have copious amounts of time to give.
This leaves the grassroots org that I have been interning with and (not really) been doing research for. I have not wanted to intern with this org since the whole Brazil disaster, but really did not have a choice at the time to get my requirement in...and oh, yeah, all that debt I went into for nothing...so, I've been continuing to "work" for her. (The air quotes, which I hate, are because I have been researching and sending her things, but the amount of energy I spend pissing and moaning about it, versus the amount of time doing, two different amounts.)
So, I need to tell grassroots that I will no longer be interning with her...only I don't want to. I don't want to tell her, I just want to stop. Yet, I think it is incredibly important for her to know why (ala, bad internship, mislead about Brazil, copious amounts of money lost for nothing) but I also don't want to. Not because I am scared, or a chickenshit, just...I don't care. I don't have the energy to do it. Bad? Maybe, but right now, that's right, I don't care.
I'm resentful, no longer angry, but still resentful. It will pass. It was all for the best and it has all worked out, but still.
For the remainder of July I will be working with my special needs students at former employeer college, running to my internship to get 120 hours in within four weeks, and trying to enjoy my summer of possibilities. The movie going and popcorn munching will slow waaaaaay down henceforth.
Your thoughts?
Update on the summer of possibilities:
Movies:
Get Smart (wait for DVD)
Kung Fu Panda (loved it, so cute and a great message.)
Wall-E (Wow, what a social commentary for the parents who got suckered in to see it with their kids. Great message, plan to see it again.)
Wanted (Awesome, brainless, spontaneous violent fun, that actually contains a storyline. Oh, and amazing eye candy throughout.)
Books:
The Dirt on Clean, an Unsanitized History (bathing habits throughout history)
The Omnivore's Dilemma (Not helping my "I don't like not knowing where my food it coming from, all the hormones injected into my food, and how the hell does Salmonella get into tomatoes?" dilemma, but interesting.)
The Miraculous Adventure of Edward Tulane (a kid's book. Read it in one hour. Want to feel like you accomplished something, read a kid's book.)
100 Ways America is Screwing up the World (really, just 100?)
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down (Poorly written, but cute story)
Currently reading:
The Day of Empire, Rise of the Hyperpower
A Splendid Exchange, How Trade Shaped the World
Follies, a collection of short stories.
I have several story ideas I am working on.
Oh, and I am taking yoga and going for very long walks each day. Both make me feel incredibly powerful. Good for the soul, good for the brain, good for the spirit.
Sorry that there aren't any links, it's getting late, I am lazy, and I need to study for my econ test, which is tomorrow, and get my required 4-6 hours of sleep to repeat what you just read and I just typed.
Good day.
Basically this is a quick update on what has ben going on.
My best gal is interning with the governor's office and in speaking with the human rights people, they asked her to ask me for my resume. Twice. Maybe even three times they asked, finally I sent it over. Through the magic of Internet email, I was contacted within minutes...yes, minutes of resume receipt, for an interview.
Color me feeling special.
(It's a light shade of pink.)
After a few days of phone tag, I went in for my interview last week and yesterday (Monday) I started my internship with the states Human Rights department.
They mentioned several times how impressed they were with my resume (I tell ya, the next person who tells me this, I am going to ask the to tell me what exactly they find impressive...or maybe I am just bad at tooting my own horn.) So for the next four weeks, 120 hours I will be rewriting, the division that I will be working in, website. The English part, not the computer part.
On the same day that I was called for an interview by human rights, I went back to home city to talk to Small State U's study abroad office, as they offered me an internship as well.
Starting this fall I will be researching all countries visas requirements and putting it into a publication for the school. (appropriate, no?) Yes, I will be published. Sure, it will be boring and dry information, but still.
I really wanted to use the Study Abroad as my internship as 1) it was paid and 2) I could use that as a job and internship and I would not have to find a job this fall.
Of course, my advisor will not let me use it as an internship, so it will be on a volunteer basis. Cause apparently I have copious amounts of time to give.
This leaves the grassroots org that I have been interning with and (not really) been doing research for. I have not wanted to intern with this org since the whole Brazil disaster, but really did not have a choice at the time to get my requirement in...and oh, yeah, all that debt I went into for nothing...so, I've been continuing to "work" for her. (The air quotes, which I hate, are because I have been researching and sending her things, but the amount of energy I spend pissing and moaning about it, versus the amount of time doing, two different amounts.)
So, I need to tell grassroots that I will no longer be interning with her...only I don't want to. I don't want to tell her, I just want to stop. Yet, I think it is incredibly important for her to know why (ala, bad internship, mislead about Brazil, copious amounts of money lost for nothing) but I also don't want to. Not because I am scared, or a chickenshit, just...I don't care. I don't have the energy to do it. Bad? Maybe, but right now, that's right, I don't care.
I'm resentful, no longer angry, but still resentful. It will pass. It was all for the best and it has all worked out, but still.
For the remainder of July I will be working with my special needs students at former employeer college, running to my internship to get 120 hours in within four weeks, and trying to enjoy my summer of possibilities. The movie going and popcorn munching will slow waaaaaay down henceforth.
Your thoughts?
Update on the summer of possibilities:
Movies:
Get Smart (wait for DVD)
Kung Fu Panda (loved it, so cute and a great message.)
Wall-E (Wow, what a social commentary for the parents who got suckered in to see it with their kids. Great message, plan to see it again.)
Wanted (Awesome, brainless, spontaneous violent fun, that actually contains a storyline. Oh, and amazing eye candy throughout.)
Books:
The Dirt on Clean, an Unsanitized History (bathing habits throughout history)
The Omnivore's Dilemma (Not helping my "I don't like not knowing where my food it coming from, all the hormones injected into my food, and how the hell does Salmonella get into tomatoes?" dilemma, but interesting.)
The Miraculous Adventure of Edward Tulane (a kid's book. Read it in one hour. Want to feel like you accomplished something, read a kid's book.)
100 Ways America is Screwing up the World (really, just 100?)
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down (Poorly written, but cute story)
Currently reading:
The Day of Empire, Rise of the Hyperpower
A Splendid Exchange, How Trade Shaped the World
Follies, a collection of short stories.
I have several story ideas I am working on.
Oh, and I am taking yoga and going for very long walks each day. Both make me feel incredibly powerful. Good for the soul, good for the brain, good for the spirit.
Sorry that there aren't any links, it's getting late, I am lazy, and I need to study for my econ test, which is tomorrow, and get my required 4-6 hours of sleep to repeat what you just read and I just typed.
Good day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
