so, what the hell was that all about?

So last night's post where did that come from?

Well, the short story, James, (best friend) broke his word about something that he was pretty adamant about not breaking his word on. So, I thought, "fuck, if James can't keep his word and he's the most stand up man I know, then fuck. Now what?"

That was early yesterday morning when that happened.

Late afternoon I discovered something about Out-of-Towner, not a big something and he and I aren't together anymore, but it was enough of a something, that it made me slouch in my chair and say, "Huh, ok, so that was a lie."

Stir those two things in with the lies of The Dick (it's been shortened), my guy friends from last weekend, and all the married men hitting on me and well, yeah. I was feeling pretty disheartened by last night. The post that came out was not even close to the post I sat down to actually write it was just what came out of my fingers so I went with it. It was raw and truthful and how I was feeling and well, when I started this blog I told myself that's what I was going to be. The good, bad, ugly, sides of single life and being a single gal leaving in an undisclosed Midwest City.

When I spoke with James around 5 last night he could tell something was wrong and he read it as one thing and then I had to stop him and tell him, no this is why I'm mad. You told me you wouldn't do anything with any woman no matter how attracted you were to her until at least one year after your divorce was final and you haven't even filed for divorce yet and your dancing on a rainbow while talking about making out with a woman. Every time I called you on you claims you always said, no it wouldn't happen, you wouldn't do that to your wife (soon to be ex) or yourself. You were adamant about it. And you broke it. You broke your word. That's what your known for, keeping your word and if you can't keep it then...."

So, we hashed it out. (Without raising our voices and speaking in a calm tone and hearing each other out. The way discussions should be)

Then he called last night again around 8:30. More hashing out and I said why it upset me so much.
You broke your word, I just had an accidental affair with a married man, I realize you are not him, but...then the lies from The Dick, The Out-of-Towner added into my already pretty huge trust issues and well.....

We ended by being ok with each other. He saw he was/is wrong and he fucked up.
We spoke again this morning just to make sure we're ok.
Yep. Absolutely.

So here's where I'm at. I realized why The Dick has affected me, and not in a way that pisses me off, or makes me want to kill him, or seek any kind of revenge at all, but why I'm one way before he enters the classroom and another way when he gets there and it was really pissing me off that he could have that much power and influence over my personality. That's what was driving me crazy and pissing me off, he's my dad. Obviously not literally, but he's my dad. Dad had an affair, dad could bullshit with all the ladies and everyone in the room and make everyone laugh and bat their eyes at him and he would say what a stand up guy he was, while I sat in the same room and thought, "what a line of bullshit. You are not a great husband, or father and you don't do jack or shit for us..." and that's what The Dick does. He's my dad. No more control.

The Out-of-Towner, I have no hard feelings about what-so-ever. It was a year of my life and I don't regret it. I realized last night that it was almost exactly a year when it ended. It's ok. It was great while it lasted. I will still be friends with him and when he comes into town I will absolutely still see him.

Married men. Leave your wife if you're that unhappy. Stop looking for attention at the bars. God help the next one who hits on me.

James, he is still a stand up man. He just wobbled a little on Wednesday. He knows it. He thanked me for calling him on it. He thanked me for answering the phone when I didn't want to, but I answered because I didn't want to become that girl. The girl who looses all her faith in men and becomes bitter. I don't want to end up in a house with three cats and the kids triple dog dare the other kids in the neighborhood to run up on the porch and ring my doorbell and then runaway yelling, "She's a witch, she's a witch!"
I refuse to become that girl.

So, I am getting back out there. I was knocked down for a minute, or two, but after stirring in my brain for a little bit I realize my mistakes and that I'll make many more, but I need to stop the pattern and stop repeating the same behavior and going for the familiar. I need to get out of my comfort zone and be afraid. It's good to be afraid. I want to be afraid because I don't want to be that girl. I refuse to be that girl.