Tuesday, June 06, 2006

why he's my best friend

Billy and I have been friends since I was 19. He was one of those people who I had to have in my life. I gravitated towards him. He and I worked at the same place; he worked on the floor with the handicapped children and I worked in the kitchen. I won him over with food and the ability to feed him for free. We've been friends ever since.
A few years ago he and I had a falling-out. We didn't talk for almost four years.
Last year, a few days after my dad almost died, I realized the fighting was stupid, senseless and I needed him back in my life. I called him up, explained what had just happened with my dad and asked to be his friend again. We talked for almost two hours that day.
Sure he and I are older, wiser, and slightly more mature, but we're still the same. No one makes me laugh the way he does. He and I laugh so hard when we are together that we are probably only audible to dogs. Maybe hyenas. Our conversations go from A to G to K to Z to F and somehow it all makes sense. We drink, we dance, we disco, we go out for dinner. We're a big fan of the D's. But more than that, no one, no one, get's me the way he does.

So, here is a slice of our friendship.
Phone conversations with my best friend, Billy.

Over the weekend:

(He has a wild rabbit that keeps eating his potted plants.)

B: You know that bunny I told you about?
PG: Yeah, did you kick its ass?
B: Mmm, no. I just spent $20 on it.
PG: (Laughing, but with a dry tone.) You just spent $20 on a wild bunny?
B: (Smoking a cigarette) Yes. Let me tell you why. Okay, so it was eating my plants right? Mmm, so I went to buy some pepper plants.
PG: Pepper plants to keep the bunny away?
B: Yeah. So, I go to plant the pepper plants and the dirt moves.
PG: The dirt moved?
B: uh-huh, the dirt moved. The dirt moved. Do you understand what I'm saying?
PG: Yeah, the dirt moved. Did you scream like a little girl?
B: No. So, the dirt moved and I wanted to see what was under there.
PG: You stood there and watched it move? In front of the pot? Or did you run inside? What was it? A snake?
B: NO. It was bunnies.
PG: You had a pot of bunnies?
B: Yes. Five little bunnies.
PG: You had five little baby bunnies in a pot that you tried to plant pepper plants over?
B: Yes!
PG: And you didn't scream?
B: No. But do you know how many times I watered those bunnies??

Last night:

B: I watched all of last seasons, "Queer as Folk," over the weekend.
PG: Jesus, did you just want to go out and drink, dance, drug and have anonymous sex afterwards?
B: No. (Beat) I was just really tired afterwards.
PG: You're getting old.
B: I know. Five years ago, hell, even 2 years ago I would have been out the door and down at the bar.
PG: You're not old. You're 38.
B: I'm going to be fabulous at 40.
PG: (Ladden with sarcasm) So, how's that diet and workout plan going?
B: Mmm, perfect. Couldn't be better.
PG: Not working-out at all are you?
B: Nope, not a bit. I do a lot of snapping.
PG: Are we talking the one snap or the three snap?
B: Three.
PG: Excellent. Workout plan is in full-effect. You're going to be fabulous at 40.


(He has very high blood pressure. He was telling me what his was for the day.)

PG: Good lord. Mine is always so low they usually have to take it two, sometimes three times, and I've been asked before if I'm breathing. I think the last time I went to the doctor it was 80/59. The nurse asked me if I was alive.
B: (Under his breath, but clearly audible) You're such a fucking bitch.
PG: Even when I'm stressed I think the highest its ever been is 100/80.
B: Fucking whore.
PG: I know. But that's why my blood pressure is so low. I'm working all of my frustrations out.


Bre said...

Good thing he wasn't feeding those bunnies plant food! He could have had some mutants on his hands!

Karl said...

Ha, now those are conversations of REAL friends. Tell you what, if I see my dirt moving around of its own volition, my ass is outta there. Curiosity killed the platypus, know what I'm saying?

Party Girl said...

Bre: Big bunnies. Healthy bunnies. Mutant bunnies.

Karl: They're hard to find, but when you do you need to hang onto them.