Tuesday, May 23, 2006

the art of listening, take two; this is the end my friend

It's amazing to me how one my friends has been able to absolutely dumbfound me lately.
Saying things to me that after I hang-up the phone with him makes me leave the phone in my hand for several minutes puzzleing over the, just-smacked-in-the-head-comment they threw at me.
It's the kind of comment that's left hanging in the air and makes me sit and puzzle over it for a few minutes, which then turns into days. I'm not the typical female that sits and over-analyzes everything. No, this is more of a few days to reflect on the fact that someone, who claims to be my close personal friend, could say something so callous to me. Which then turns into a reflection of, if they could say something so cold and callous to me, then perhaps I really don't want or need to be their friend anymore.
This is the same friend who has also not been listening to, pretty much, anything I've had to say or contribute to the conversation and has been cutting me off in mid-sentence since about January.
Same friend who has been giving me unsolicited advice left, right and center. I hate unsolicited advice.
I am beginning to side with his soon to be ex-wife a lot more since Janurary. I now am seeing both sides of the story.
However, same friend has also helped me out a lot when I have really needed help.
However, I also have felt that he has crossed a lot of lines with me lately.

The comment that was made that is making me write this post came when I told him about some unwanted attention that happened a couple of weeks ago. I am a natural flirt. Harmless, friendly, flirt. However, I am very clear in my well defined lines when I need to define them and I am always direct and to the point so that there isn't any confusion when dealing with just about anyone, let alone a man I've met recently. Lines, don't cross them unless explicitly welcomed in.
The line that was crossed was subtle, but nonetheless it was a line crossed with me and it was unwelcomed.
He (said friend) basically was blaming me for the line crossing because I quote, "Worked him into a froth and what do I expect? I am bringing it onto myself and in a way, I should be flattered."
Yeah, that just made my stomach churn.
The fact that he used the word, 'froth' makes me want to take a shower with a new luffa sponge. The fact that he said I am bringing it onto myself and I should be flattered? Well, that's the same defense rapists use.

As the conversation was taking place I questioned him, "You can't tell me you don't see my point, that you can't see where I'm coming from."
"I can see your point, but you can't blame him, you brought it on yourself."
After several go arounds I finally said, "You aren't going to see my point and I certainly don't see yours, so let's just end this conversation now."
"Fair enough."
After hanging up the phone I sat and thought about this remark and I was hurt and absolutely stupefied. To blame me for something I clearly didn't want and I was very clear about? Sorry, can't see the point. Not after some reflection. After some reflection I am absolutely dumbfounded that he could say something so incredibly insensitive and stupid.
After several days of reflecting I think the friendship is going to have to come to an end.
I've been honest with him when it comes to the listening, interrupting and simply not hearing me for the past several months.
However, I was willing to work on that.
But, to say something so mind-boggling insensitive to me.
I think that's a deal breaker.


Mikey said...

Were you talking to my ex Matthew? No matter what you say he will never see your point of view and only see's his point of view.

Karl said...

What a jerk. I don't know what changes sprung up around January that made him start acting like this. Regardless, I'd say drop him like a cold piece of turkey. No friend should treat another friend like he is. Ever.

Shon Richards said...

Some friends deserve time outs. You avoid them for a week and see if they have improved any. though being interrupted constantly is a pain. Being talk at is no fun, is it?

Leesa said...

I agree with you. Completely insensitive.

TrappedInColorado said...

Well... friendship is hard sometimes.. it relys on the ability to say something that you may not like about yourself. Only you can judge the level of malice in that comment but for me, friends are hard to come by. I suggest you just let the situation marinate for a while. Make sure you do not do anything you will regret.


Party Girl said...

Mikey: It could be a few of my ex's as well, but, no.

Karl: he decided to get divorced. After much and many loooonnnggg listening sessions by me.

Shon and trappedincolorado: I have been thinking about it for over a few weeks now. This came after another time-out from me a few more weeks ago. Also, after many mental timeouts and very explict conversations with him that things need to change.

Leesa: thanks for stopping by and for your comment.