Tuesday, May 02, 2006

random ramblings: Healthy Choice dinners and internet dating.

While eating my Healthy Choice roasted turkey in gravy with a side of mashed potatoes, it occurred to me; it doesn't matter how long you cook a microwaveable dinner it will never, ever be cooked clear through. Part will be icy cold while the other half with be lava-ass hot.

While eating my Healthy Choice dinner at my desk I decided to browse Match.com for shits and giggles and to see what the male selection looks like.

As I was alternating between bites of turkey that were partially burning my taste buds off and at the same time cooling my tongue with there uncookedness I was besieged with ads that said something like, "I don't know what I'm looking for."
Really? Well, then what the hell are you doing looking for it?
"I'll know who she is when I see her."
Really? Cause um, you don't know what you're looking for so how will you know it's her when she's hitting you over the head with a frozen microwave dinner?

"Mm, describe myself? That's always the hard part."
Yes, yes it is. However, it's an ad, so sell yourself.

"Is this thing on?"
It is, but apparently you need to change something to get people to listen and pay attention.

As I took a bite of ice crystalized mashed potatoes I came across this one:
"I've been hurt, but I'm willing to get back out there."
I'll sum it up for those of you on the edge of your office chairs.
"I was in a long-term relatationship, (over three years) but I am finally ready to get back out there."
Wow, sentimental. Honest. Emotional.
"I was badly hurt. I didn't think I would ever be able to love again."
Okay, so my shitgar is going off, but I give this guy credit. He's putting himself out there.
"It's been three months and I'm finally ready to date again."
Yep, there it is. Three month. Huh, let's break that down. One month for every year you were together. Sure. You're healed. No longer bitter. No longer questioning. Go conquer the world.
Sure. You just want to get laid. Nothing wrong with that, but let's be honest.

As I dove into my fresh, ripe strawberries I am across one that made the whole frozen, chipped tooth, no longer can taste anything, experience all worth while.
I'll highlight the best parts.

"I'm very anti-social. I don't really like people and I like to keep to myself. I'm not much of a people person and I'm socially awkward as I tend to stay inside a lot and not socialize or talk to people. This includes family and co-workers. I don't have many friends. (To hell you say!) I play a lot of video games (Dungeons and Dragons?)
I have a cat who I'm surprised has put up with me for this long. However, it's amazing how much a cat is willing to put up with before it will asks for emancipation from it's owner. (I shudder to think)
I live in a dark, dank, windowless basement and the sunlight burns my skin. (Okay, I added that. Seemed fitting.)
I don't really know why I'm on here." (Me either)


Joefish said...

Well, damn! You don't have to rip my ad apart for everyone to see!

(sniff, sniff)

GirlGoyle said...

Oh hell...he sounds like a keeper! Hook me up. WTF...what is wrong with people?!