Sunday, December 11, 2005


So, my friend who is thinking about (going to, maybe already has) having an affair on her husband has been weighing heavily on my mind. Not so much her situation in particular, more just cheating spouses/couples in general. As a single gal I see it, hear it, and am asked to join in it, far, far too often.

I think what is bothering me about my friend is the fact that she doesn't have any guilt about what she is doing. Which, that's on her. What is getting me about the situation is that what we do today will have ramifications for years down the line, possibly for a lifetime. And I don't think I am being dramatic about this either.

My dad cheated on my mom, which is ultimately what led to their divorce, which was a wonderful thing and which needed to happen. However, still affects her, even though she has remarried, and it still affects me. The divorce was over 15 years ago. Half my lifetime now.
I've been cheated on by three boyfriends that I know about. (there would be a key phrase in there, did you catch it?) Still affects me. I'm basically waiting to be disappointed by the person I am dating and I haven't been in a relationship for years. (years) I am all about dating. I am a serial dater. Wow. one step down, eleven more to go. However, I was left with and sometimes still wonder what I did wrong to be cheated on. The truth is I didn't do anything wrong. I know this. But, I've been left wondering. I was (am) a great girlfriend. I don't bitch, I don't whine, I don't nag. I never say, I'm too tired, I have a headache. I always will want sex. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But, I am still left wondering.
With the whole internet dating thing, I was on one normal or traditional site and then for shits and giggles and out of shear boredom when I broke my leg/foot/ and ankle (hey, I believe in doing something right)I joined an adult site. The same men who are on the traditional site are also on the adult site. Which makes me wonder what is it they are really looking for?
This leads into the amount of married men and women who are on the adult site looking to cheat on their spouses. They always had something in their profile about their spouse not giving them what they need sexually, or they're bored, or lonely, pissed off, and on and on and on. Not my problem. I finally had to put in my profile not to contact me if you're married. I can't deal with it and bad karma isn't what I need. What happened to communication?
I am so disgusted right now...
Why do people think sex is going to solve whatever it is that is wrong with their relationship? All it's going to do is break the other person and ruin your life in some way. Trust? Gone. Finding a new realtionship? Going to be tough. The other person will be bitter and you will have to (eventually) admit that you cheated. Or when that starts to back fire on you then you will start to lie about why the realtionship ended. You will always be the person who cheated or who was cheated on. Always.
For me, I cheated once. I was 16, in high school and cheated on my really shitty boyfriend with his best friend. The best friend made all the first moves and I just went along with it because I didn't care.
Immediately (no exaggeration) Immediately following the whole cheating episode, on my way home I was in a very serious car accident. Seriosuly, less than five minutes later. I rolled my car 3 times landed upside down in a corn field in the middle of BFE. My neighbor appeared out of nowhere (literally. I was in the middle of smalltown, farmland, nowhere and he appeared and basically rescued me. Cue the music) and ripped me from the car. I was in the backseat, upside down, and trapped inside. I absolutely should have died. The only reason I survived is because I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. This was the one and only time in my entire life (since it became a law) that I didn't have a seatbelt on. I should have been decapitated. Instead I was left with serious bruises, no car, the police at my mom's door at 2:30 in the morning (by the time I got home and such) a pissed off boyfriend and a conscience that will never allow me to cheat or think about cheating on anyone ever again.
I was 16. I had a shitty boyfriend who cheated on me all the time. Doesn't matter. I still don't feel great about what I did. There is still a tiny bit of shame and guilt associated with it. Could be because of the whole car and should have died part, but still.
Cheating, results in bad karma all the way around.
That's the end of today's lesson. Pass it on.

..also to clarify, to me cheating can be: kissing, sex, foreplay, shareing intimate thoughts, feelings, emotions trusting someone else with things you should be doing and saying with your partner. The men who cheated on me did all the above then some and a little bit more.


Kilt Trip said...

I'm actually going through some of the bad cheating stuff myself right now. I will not cheat. It's one of those things that can only result in hurt feelings. But I managed to catch someone that I was with recently, and yes, it's a complete mindfuck(bad way). Not the first time it's happened either. I wonder if there's a point where you ever just get over it, because It makes it incredibly hard for me to move on. I often catch myself wondering if I'm doing something to encourage it, because it's happened so often in my life. But when I realize I'm having these thoughts, I have to slap myself and remember that I wasn't the one doing the cheating.

Party Girl said...

Rob: that's awful. I'm sorry to hear that. And that is such a generic thing to say. However, I am and I certainly know what it feels like. It sucks and it hurts. And please, god please make it stop hurting.
I've also wondered the same things. Is it something I am doing? Am I causing this? Fuck that. No, it's not me, but again I can't help but wonder, which is what pisses me off. Why should I be left to wonder? See, still affecting me. Which, see, again it never ends. Never a good idea.

AeroAangel said...

Just wanted to say that I like the way you write things...reminds me of me, in A LOT of ways.
"They always had something in their profile about their spouse not giving them what they need sexually, or they're bored, or lonely, pissed off, and on and on and on. " Totally sounds like the way I would have put it...the yeah-so-what-heard-it-all-before droning over the same topic, and skipping all the stupid details that anybody with a brain would already know.

Party Girl said...

aeroaangel: Thanks, that was very nice to hear!