Monday, March 13, 2006

closure

Within the past week or so I've had several people mention closure to me.
The relationship has ended and they want, need, are desperately seeking, closure.

K.

Here's what I think about closure.
It's a myth.
You can try to seek out the closure with the other person, you can try to have the relationship ending conversation, you can try to not hurt the other person's feelings by having whatever imaginary conversation in your head only to try and have it replayed in an actual conversation with the person, but let's face it, that conversation from head to mouth never takes place.

"I need closure. I think if I just talked to him then I will get the closure I need and be able to move on."
Ka-plewy.
Never gonna happen.
Any 'closure' you may have already reached in your time apart is going to be sprung wide open and you will have to start all over again because you keep talking to each other.
You keep picking at the wound.
Let the wound heal.
Stop talking for a few months, then talk to each other. Move on from each other and then see where you both are after that.

Closure is a myth. Time. Time is what is needed for two people to move on.

I had a student who was talking about the need for closure and I was telling her everything she didn't want to hear, but it was the truth not some garbage she was hoping to have reinforced by someone older.
She asked me, "Well, how did you move on? You seem like the most independent person I know and like you don't need anyone. How do you do it."
(Internally rolling my eyes) "Well, I just ended something about a month ago, I just don't talk about it. And time. I've remained friends with all of my ex's, but not right off the bat. We didn't talk, we moved onto other relationships and then we became friends." The "closure" happened months, years later and not because of anything that was said, it was time."

Here's another thought. I don't talk about my ex's. I'm sure some people might think I never date or have sex, because believe it or not unless you are a close friend, I see no need to blab about it to everyone I encounter. (Obviously, the blog is my outlet.)
People who seek closure are perhaps the one who have done something wrong in the relationship. Maybe the people who seek closure are the ones who have the need to make-up, heal because of something they did wrong.

In all of my major relationships I was cheated on. I had no need for closure. I just needed to heal. The men, within a few months, all called me up and left some sort of message on my machine when they knew I wouldn't be home apologizing and wanting to talk to me. Within a day or two I would call. They needed closure, they were sorry.
K.
I've moved on. You messed up. You had a good thing and YOU messed up. YOU cheated on ME.
If you need to talk, then talk, but I'm not going to forgive you if that's what you're looking for. Deal with it. The "closure" you're seeking from me? It ain't gonna happen.

Maybe the ones who seek the myth called closure are really the ones who messed up in some way in the relationship.
I've never messed up, (seriously, cheating was the breaking factor in all of the realtionships. Dating, that's another story, but relationships I had no need for closure. No messing up on my part and all of the men will back me up on this. I'm a damn good girlfriend. I just choose badly. Anyway.)

Closure is a myth. Time is the reality that pain takes time to heal.

3 comments:

Mikey said...

Well said.

THE DUKE said...

Heh! That's funny! I've posted a lot about closure - It seems like every girl I've dated in the last 3 years has required it. I don't see the point, but I've perfected recieving the "closure" phone calls...

Party Girl said...

Mikey: thank you!

The Duke: Soooo, I'm guessing they are the ones who messed up then?

and yeah, I don't see the point of, 'closure' either. One person still leaves the conversation not being happy by how the conversation went not to mention probably hurt. Plus it just opens wounds that are starting to heal and sometimes leaves new ones that haven't broken open yet.